Things I learned in the Army: drunk and horny don't make smart Marines (666 hits)
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Rating: -0.12 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Skatch (View user info) at 2006-06-01 10:57:14 EDT
Many people know what it is to not sleep, weather from cramming for exams to waiting in a hospital or just drinking until class starts the next morning. This little tidbit of knowledge forever injected into my stores of useless information started out with a plane ride.
My departure from Afghanistan started at night in mid December. I grabbed about six hours of sleep during the day and hopped on a C-130 to go north to the Manas Air Base in one of those countries that formed after the USSR fell. The C-130 is the most horrible airplane to ever be in. It's a cargo plane, not one for people, but there are seats that descend from the ceiling, but they're made of plastic crash webbing and force you to sit sideways.
After leaving the relatively temperate climates of Afghanistan, we touched down in a snowy mountain area and proceeded to stand outside and smoke for three hours freezing our asses off and not being offered anything to eat. By the time we leave, it is roughly three in the morning and everyone is cold, hungry and tired. Except the smart PA specialist who brought a pair of long underwear, a few cereal bars and went the sleeping pill route to pass out during the day. The long underwear was mine, though the pills were "illegal" (over the counter Unisom, but for some reason we couldn't have them) and the cereal bars stolen from the mess hall (again, they put them out and let you have as many as you want during meal times, but don't take them out for a snack or something). When thinking ahead isn't enough, you gotta break a few stupid rules.
So we load up again on a C-17 to take the ten hour flight to Germany. Ear plugs in the entire time, flying sideways again and this time accompanied by two HumVees strapped into the center of the plane. It's impossible to fall asleep and was beginning to wish I smuggled another sleeping pill with me.
But I didn't, and we land, local time about noon in Germany, and we move into a holding area. And proceed to sit for about four hours waiting for a commercial flight out of Germany. It's been about 24 hours since most of us slept or eaten, so we do the one thing you can do. We start to bitch.
One by one people were called to take flights until about five P.M. local. Finally the last five or so of us are told there were no more flights and we would be put up for the night. We were given flight info for the morning, told when and where to meet the busses in the morning and pointed towards the mess hall.
I think to myself that I was finally catching a break, but during the four hour bitching session, I had befriended a Marine on his way home on emergency leave. He tells me that we are in Germany (obviously) and that we can do what we haven't been able to do for the last many months: Drink. Not heeding my own advice earlier with the dysentery, I go with him to find a bar on post and the adventure begins.
The beers were Bud and Bud Lite, but after the dryness of the previous country, we would swill anything down our throats and at a buck and a quarter a bottle, we were more than willing to relieve their shelves laden with the fine imports.
So the Marine and I begin to drink and play pool. A few others with us on the trip came down to, but decided to leave a little early due to the fact that they were pussys. The drinking was glorious.
Then we met two very cute Army medics and decided to keep them company. I, three sheets to the wind, hit it off with one of the girls because she is originally from DeSoto, Missouri which is an hour away from my hometown of St. Louis. We talk of fun places, what I plan on doing when I get home and all manner of things.
I want it noted right now that I wasn't trying to get into anyone's pants. The Marine was trying to get DeSoto and I was just having fun. The conversation the Marine and DeSoto had was something along the lines of:
DeSoto: Yeah, being a medic is kinda cool, but...
(Marine holds up a finger and she stops)
Marine: You have really beautiful eyes.
This is something that works great on high school girls and chicks in their first semester of state university. It dosen't work on women who have seen what a grenade can do to a person fifteen feet away. I berate him accordingly and he has now lost out on DeSoto as she slides up on some Air Force guy (So really she has no taste at all.)
Then her friend comes. I can neither remember her name, nor pick her out of a lineup the next day, but I'm fairly sure I thought she was hot at the time. She was also about an inch taller than me, topping out at six feet.
Marine keeps trying to get at DeSoto, be she's made her decision and he sops out at about midnight. The rest of the evening is spent playing Nelly and showing off my dancing skills. Imagine a rabid moose being raped by an epileptic kangaroo and you'll know just how I look dancing. Tall girl and DeSoto however, loved it and we closed the bar down.
I walk with them back to the place we were staying and found they were staying in the same building as myself (we had the few empty rooms.) Air Force guy says there are empty beds in his room and we go. Unfortunately the other beds have people in them who are trying to sleep. I do not perform well around others, nor am I very sexually able with a twelve pack in me, so we move to the bathroom.
Had I been sober, had I slept in the last 36 hours and had this girl not been the towering inferno she was, I may have been better. But being as dehydrated, drunk and tired as I was, I can't guarantee she had a good time. We did go at it for a good two and a half hours with myself never actually getting off until the end when I took manners into my own hands and gave her something to remember me by, so maybe. The only thing that keeps me going it the fact that I probably won't ever meet her again, and the lies the drunks tell themselves.
I got about two hours of sleep, and the Marine was pissed, but not at me. I told him it was probably for the better since he was going home to see his wife who miscarried their baby.
I don't know what exactly I learned, other than put down a towel when screwing on linoleum or your knees will hurt like a bitch for a week. And Marines aren't smart when drunk, horny and tired. I on the other hand, am slicker than goose shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-06-02 04:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So you're in the are huh?
How many pregnant Iraqi woman have you killed so far?
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-06-01 20:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
After reading what you marines do in Iraq I believe absolutely nothing can make a marine smart.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-01 16:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OK framework, but you need to put more meat on the story. Give me a few more adjectives, fer chrissakes...
Submitted by phels97 (user info) at 2006-06-01 11:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
" I do not perform well around others, nor am I very sexually able with a twelve pack in me"
Pussy
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-01 11:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I want it noted right now that I wasn't trying to get into anyone's pants."
liar.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-06-01 11:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
blah blah blah boring army story
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-01 11:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
according to microsoft, both uses of pussy are incorrect spellings. plus two for loving myself
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-06-01 11:08:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lesson?
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-01 11:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining.
By the way, how the fuck are you going to pluralize pussy with 'pussys'? It's pussies, chicken fucker.