How to survive economy on an overseas flight (NSFW) (1367 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.94 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonovanMD (View user info) at 2006-06-05 05:47:58 EDT
Typing on a laptop that you're balancing on your pulldown tray in economy class is hard. Especially when the asshole in front of you has had his seat back since the pilot turned off the seat belt sign seven hours ago. I fucking hate the Sydney to LA/Vancouver/San Francisco leg sometimes. No first class for me.
Tonight its Sydney to San Fran, the first time I'll have seen the city that brought us the Golden Gate Bridge, Barry Bonds (at least the mutant version of Barry Bonds) and gay pride parades. It should have been Sydney Vancouver, but those bastards at Qantas fucked me around and made me spend 10 hours jerking off in Sydney before catching the red eye.
The coolest thing about intercontinental flights is the free booze. Sometimes just beer is free, spirits are extra, but that's cool by me. If you're every flying to Australia and get offer a Victoria Bitter, say no! Hell, even Bud is better than VB, and that's not saying much. The alcohol hits you faster in a pressurized cabin though, 5 beers later and you're wondering if you're balls retracted into your stomach and why you feel so buzzed. The free booze is great, but you never want to be the planes token obnoxious drunk. On this flight I see at least three Australian guys already vying for that title.
Theres this tall skinny chick with big tits and a low cut shirt sitting across the aisle to my right from me, I'm totally getting wood under my blanket as I type. I may be engaged but a guy still has the right to look.
I lucked out and had a vacant seat next to me on the flight. Seat selection on such a long trip is huge. And to survive economy you have to be smart. Pick the seat in the very rear of the airbus, next to the emergency exit. Usually its just two seats next to each other, I have a window seat and space to put my feet up. Plus the big tits to stare at. Not bad. Never get stuck as one of those douchebags in the middle seat in the middle aisle. You know, the middle aisle of 4 seats each. I'd shoot myself on a 14 hour flight.
Bring food. They serve decent meals, but not often enough. My menu tonight says a green leaf salad with balsamic dressing with the choice of mediteranian style chicken, sliced potatoes and steamed veggies, or braised beef with horseradish potatoe mash. I'm picking the chcken. I have no fucking clue what braised beef is.
I like the airplane bathroom. I go in it even if I don't have to go. Its like a little surprise party every time you turn on the light. If they had an internet connection in there I'd never leave. It's a great place to go when you were an idiot and didn't choose your seat wisely.
Whats with all the male stewardesses? I know its stewards, but they lost the right to a male title when they started wearing aprons and handing out warm face clothes. They just get lumped in with the women. I guess its to be expected on a flight to San Fran.
I hope my plane crashes during my cross pacific flight like in Lost. I could see myself being the Jack of this group of pansie asses. And I know who my Kate would be, but with bigger boobs. I guess if we do crash you'll never read this. Unless they have dial up in the hatch. I've got all of season two downloaded on my laptop, so when I'm done this its time to catch up on my favourite show. They'd better throw us a bone pretty fucking soon though.
You know how they always tell you that in the event of a crash, you're supposed to put your head between your legs and brace for impact? The real reason they say that is so that when the plane crashes, you're neck breaks instantly, death is quick and painless, and so your dental records are preserved. People don't survive plane crashes in real life.
The Weather Man - fucking sucked. Horrible, horrible movie. Nic Cage must be getting desperate. 2/10
Capote - It was ok, a little slow getting started, but I can see why it got so much Oscar hype, 8/10.
March of the Penguins - You get what you expect from a documentary. 7/10
Good Night and Good Luck - Not bad, the actor who played Edward R Murrow was fantastic. I didn't think I'd get into this movie, but I enjoyed it. 8/10
Overall: airplane movies blow. Everything has to be PG for the kids.
--
My battery died in the middle of writing this, it's now 2 am and I'm sitting in the empty halls of the San Francisco International. Luckily they have wireless broadband streamed all through out the airport here, to keep me from dying of boredom.
Any San Fran uberers want to buy me some McDonalds and come hang out at the airport? Everything's closed and I'm hungry... :(
And now for some gratuatis nudity (this is what I'm sitting here surfing for as little old Mexican ladies clean all around me.)
User Reviews
Submitted by slapsticky (user info) at 2006-09-07 15:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-06-07 19:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sealclubber (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:49:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Free booze?!
They always fucking charged me $5 a drink on my flights from chicago to london.... ""
Continental perchance?
I always fly BA.
But then I always go business class so this doesn't apply to me.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-06-07 19:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the girl.
I've never flown overseas (I've been too poor, until recently), but I know all about cramped spaces for too long...
San Francisco to Calgary is only a 24 hr drive.....
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-06-05 20:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more nekkid Donovan
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2006-06-05 19:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-05 18:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post. Long periods cooped up in small spaces suck.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-06-05 18:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah that sounds pretty harsh, you're literally flying half way around the world. Its surprising how far Perth really is from Sydney, Australias way bigger than those North America influenced maps I saw as a kid.
Most isolated capital city in the world geographically Perth is. I fell for a girl in the ass crack of the world. Lovely.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-06-05 14:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Try Perth to Sydney to LA to NY then bitch.
I used my personal DVD player, with a back up battery, mp3 player, game boy, laptop...and benedryl.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-06-05 14:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a Poison fan, cockley. I grew up in the '80s and I recognize them just like I'd recognize that fool Fitty Cent. But this is good. +2.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-05 13:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-05 12:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:57:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
March of the Penguins gets 10/10 from everyone everywhere. Not only is it awesome, it's got penguins in it.
PENGUINS, MAN!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-06-05 12:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I went to the psych conference in Toronto in November, I was so fucking bored I wanted to cry. I flew from Kansas City to MN and then to Toronto. I swear to god, the plane from MN to Toronto was only 2 steps up from a cessna.
Toronto was just like downtown Kansas City, in other words, boring as shit!
The weekend we were there, everything was closed it seemed.
I couldn't find diet Mountain Dew ANYWHERE.
The professor got lost in the underground metropolis and we spent 2 hours trying to find him.
I was writing a postcard in the lobby of the Hilton and 2 Japanese businessmen (who didn't speak English) thought I was a hooker. I finally had to hiss at them to scare them away. As they ran, one kept hitting his associate with his briefcase.
2 Aussie researchers attending the conference and also staying at the Hilton adopted me and decided that I needed protection from horny Japanese businessmen.
They also tried to feed me an assload of food and black beer.
It was interesting to say the least.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-05 11:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't think The Weatherman was all that bad.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-05 09:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Braised beef is ok. Tender. Good post, not enough attention.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-06-05 07:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Time to go through security and check my bag.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-06-05 07:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Penguins was ok, like I said, 7/10, well done, I liked it. But not spectacular.
As for the free booze, both with United and Qantas my Sydney-North America flights have always had free beer, and some free spirits.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
March of the Penguins gets 10/10 from everyone everywhere. Not only is it awesome, it's got penguins in it.
PENGUINS, MAN!
Submitted by sealclubber (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Free booze?!
They always fucking charged me $5 a drink on my flights from chicago to london....
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were at Dubai airport, I could give you the number for delivery.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Weather Man had maybe 2-3 funny bits, and they were very obvious and dull. Nothing about that movie wowed me. It didnt even do fucked up right.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought weather man was alright. 6 stars, at least.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-06-05 06:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah thanks. But no matter how bad SF to Edmonton is, its no where near as bad as a Sydney-anywhere leg. The only positive is those airbuses have more amenities than your typical 757.
Seriously, some Uberer in the greater SF area please bring me some food! I'll pay double! Everything is fucking closed here!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-06-05 05:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad.
Have a nice second leg.