UFC For You And Me (367 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2006-06-06 00:01:56 EDT
The other week I paid good money to watch grown men kicking the shit out of each other. This was a new experience for me. Growing up, all you had to do if you wanted to watch a brawl was hang around outside the pub at kicking-out time, shout "Your girlfriend looks like Frankie Howard" and then duck behind your friend. But these are more civilized times, so we handed over our money and filed into a venue before baying for a strangers blood. Apparently the de rigeur term for it is UFC, but I believe EVWASHC (or ev-wash-kuh, for the under-fives, who by the way shouldn't be reading this so go to bed) would be more apt - Extreme Violence With Some Homoerotic Cuddling.
Before the evening got under way, two small girls were ushered into the octagon and proceeded to butcher the American national anthem in that "awh, that's cute...but also exceptionally painful and I desperately want it to stop" way that small girls do. Everyone magically moved to face the speaker system, turning their back on the girls. Not having noticed the flag hanging just above it and assuming everyone in the arena was a hillbilly who had never encountered an amplifier before ("Look ma, dat dere box be singing"), I nearly choked trying to suppress a giggle. This probably didn't endear me to the crowd, but what prompted the evil eyes I received from the balcony had more to do with the fact that I was still sitting down. A venue packed with bloodthirsty muscle-shirted violence seekers (or 'sports fans') is probably not the safest place to refuse to stand for the national anthem, but my associate and I had a plan.
"Ok, if we get any hassle, you're English and I'm mute."
"No, no, you should be retarded. I'll drop some matches on the floor and you can count them.....except I don't have any matches so I'll just throw down my lighter and you shout "ONE!"
Foolproof, I think you'll agree.
The first fighter came out, took off his shirt and one thing became abundantly clear - I could watch this man file a tax return and still be entertained. The next similarly ripped guy came out, disrobed and made me very happy indeed. By the time they started kicking each other in the head I was mentally calling for baby oil and soft cushions. Maybe some pudding. Kittens. A live squid. Suddenly they were on the floor in something approaching the missionary position and it all started getting surreal. Some stereotypically noisy American jock type standing behind me was shouting "MOUNT HIM! MOUNT HIM!" and it was all I could not to counter with a chant of "SUCK HIS COCK! SUCK HIS COCK!"
The next two fighters quickly burst the erotic bubble that had built up over the octagon. The young guy had enough fat on his hips to baste a thousand Christmas turkeys (all of which he would have eaten) and his middle-aged opponent had titties. Not just a hint of man-boob - full on pendulous breasts. These were two men who had no business wearing lycra, as one of the old guys mammaries proved when it burst forth from his unitard and proceeded to swing freely for the remainder of the match, at one point dangling dangerously close to his opponents mouth. I don't know how many points you get for making another man suck on your teat, but that's not really something that needs to be investigated in a public forum. Let's keep that shit safely in the churches and grade schools.
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Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, you should be retarded. I'll drop some matches on the floor and you can count them.....except I don't have any matches so I'll just throw down my lighter and you shout "ONE!"
GOLD.
Though I'm confused as to what you actually attended. That picture doesn't look like UFC to me, but I SUPPOSE it's POSSIBLE you got lazy and just swiped a poor quality shot from the interweb, but why would you want to deceive us so?
So what kind of UFC event was this?