UFC For You And Me (1119 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.34 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2006-06-06 00:02:58 EDT
The other week I paid good money to watch grown men kicking the shit out of each other. This was a new experience for me. Growing up, all you had to do if you wanted to watch a brawl was hang around outside the pub at kicking-out time, shout "Your girlfriend looks like Frankie Howard" and then duck behind your friend. But these are more civilized times, so we handed over our money and filed into a venue before baying for a strangers blood. Apparently the de rigeur term for it is UFC, but I believe EVWASHC (or ev-wash-kuh, for the under-fives, who by the way shouldn't be reading this so go to bed) would be more apt - Extreme Violence With Some Homoerotic Cuddling.
Before the evening got under way, two small girls were ushered into the octagon and proceeded to butcher the American national anthem in that "awh, that's cute...but also exceptionally painful and I desperately want it to stop" way that small girls do. Everyone magically moved to face the speaker system, turning their back on the girls. Not having noticed the flag hanging just above it and assuming everyone in the arena was a hillbilly who had never encountered an amplifier before ("Look ma, dat dere box be singing"), I nearly choked trying to suppress a giggle. This probably didn't endear me to the crowd, but what prompted the evil eyes I received from the balcony had more to do with the fact that I was still sitting down. A venue packed with bloodthirsty muscle-shirted violence seekers (or 'sports fans') is probably not the safest place to refuse to stand for the national anthem, but my associate and I had a plan.
"Ok, if we get any hassle, you're English and I'm mute."
"No, no, you should be retarded. I'll drop some matches on the floor and you can count them.....except I don't have any matches so I'll just throw down my lighter and you shout "ONE!"
Foolproof, I think you'll agree.
The first fighter came out, took off his shirt and one thing became abundantly clear - I could watch this man file a tax return and still be entertained. The next similarly ripped guy came out, disrobed and made me very happy indeed. By the time they started kicking each other in the head I was mentally calling for baby oil and soft cushions. Maybe some pudding. Kittens. A live squid. Suddenly they were on the floor in something approaching the missionary position and it all started getting surreal. Some stereotypically noisy American jock type standing behind me was shouting "MOUNT HIM! MOUNT HIM!" and it was all I could not to counter with a chant of "SUCK HIS COCK! SUCK HIS COCK!"
The next two fighters quickly burst the erotic bubble that had built up over the octagon. The young guy had enough fat on his hips to baste a thousand Christmas turkeys (all of which he would have eaten) and his middle-aged opponent had titties. Not just a hint of man-boob - full on pendulous breasts. These were two men who had no business wearing lycra, as one of the old guys mammaries proved when it burst forth from his unitard and proceeded to swing freely for the remainder of the match, at one point dangling dangerously close to his opponents mouth. I don't know how many points you get for making another man suck on your teat, but that's not really something that needs to be investigated in a public forum. Let's keep that shit safely in the churches and grade schools.
User Reviews
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2006-08-13 20:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"I like Shamrock. I kind of hope he wins. Or at least makes a better showing of himself that he did in the last fight. You can't win a fight if you don't mount an offense, Ken."
Well so much for your wish. But don't worry, you'll get to see pt. 3 this fall, and if we get a later ref stoppage this time maybe he'll just die. Good fucking riddance.
author - you didn't watch UFC, UFC is a specific organization not an entire genre. You probably saw something like tryouts for Gladiator Challenge or some lesser org.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 19:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I suppose you could hope your oppenent has a heart attack, but that hardly ever happens.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 19:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Shamrock. I kind of hope he wins. Or at least makes a better showing of himself that he did in the last fight. You can't win a fight if you don't mount an offense, Ken.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-06 19:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cage fighting rocks. Those guys are completely insane, in a strangely attractive way. I think the pic you have up must be boxing, or maybe kickboxing, or some shit..cause that's not an octagon a la UFC. I'd like to see Ortiz and Shamrock kill each other..or should I say..Ortiz kill Shamrock.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-06 19:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
(yawn)
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-06-06 18:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is an awesome post and I thoroughly endorse it. I could never construct something so entertaining and erudite. I am truly in awe of the poster and would like to publically declare that she is superior to me in every way.
She even has a larger penis.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:24:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
---
wow, you made Bickerstaff speechless.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-06-06 10:44:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
The fact that you are projecting your own homoerotic sexual fetishes on to a
brutal and merciless sport speaks volumes. God knows what you would have been like
at a Roman gladiatorial arena 2,000 years ago.
===
Bah, you're just mad because I used to do it while we were watching rugby. I can't help seeing sexual overtones in a bunch of toned and taut guys rolling around with other, getting sweaty....hot...muddy....oh god....I'll be back in a moment...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:24:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Look ma, dat dere box be singing!"
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how many points you get for making another man suck on your teat, but that's not really something that needs to be investigated in a public forum.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I approve of this post. There are a few UFC guys I'd let grapple me.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did not picture as the UFC fan type.
You just had to try and fag it up didn't you?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
errrr, I could make a huge collage again....I had quite a hit recently with a post that wasn't entirely pictures stolen from other sites, but you might not appreciate the vague ETS bashing it contains.
I was just saying...you do the same joke over and over and over and over.
The sexual deviancy one
"The first fighter came out, took off his shirt and one thing became abundantly clear - I could watch this man file a tax return and still be entertained. The next similarly ripped guy came out, disrobed and made me very happy indeed. By the time they started kicking each other in the head I was mentally calling for baby oil and soft cushions. Maybe some pudding. Kittens. A live squid."
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was funny as hell and I guess I must have missed it the first time, so, lucky me I guess.
I wish it would have been longer, because it was a lot of fun while it was happening. Well, except for the part where you completley homo-fied the UFC for me and ensured that I would never be able to enjoy it again. That part kind of sucked.
Other than that, flawless victory.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-06-06 10:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The fact that you are projecting your own homoerotic sexual fetishes on to a
brutal and merciless sport speaks volumes. God knows what you would have been like
at a Roman gladiatorial arena 2,000 years ago.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Molari (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:26:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
I agree violence is bad. I agree in these events people can get seriously hurt without a good enough reason. And I wouldn't wanna be in a fight myself.
But if you're a man, then there's a good chance that there is a primal instinct inside you to excel in hand to hand combat, or atleast to recognize those who have excelled. To make the most of the body that has been given to you. That is why so many guys watch UFC or Pride or other fighting sports, and so many take up martial arts and try to join themselves.
But ignorant people fail to realize the skill and complexity involved in hand to hand combat. If you don't like it, thats fine, but then why do you go? Why PAY MONEY?! Most UFC fans don't even pay to watch, and those who do really enjoy it. You on the other hand spent money on something you don't even like.
===
Uh, what? At what point did you get the impression I didn't enjoy it? Was it the part where I was practically ejaculating at the spectacle? Hell, the admission price was worth it for tittyman alone.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:22:48 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha. its your same tired material...
===
This is uber dude - I don't need to bring out the big guns. Tell you what, you write something that makes me sit back and say "damn" and I'll put some effort in. We'll go head to head or something. Handbags and pencils at dawn.
Submitted by Molari (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I agree violence is bad. I agree in these events people can get seriously hurt without a good enough reason. And I wouldn't wanna be in a fight myself.
But if you're a man, then there's a good chance that there is a primal instinct inside you to excel in hand to hand combat, or atleast to recognize those who have excelled. To make the most of the body that has been given to you. That is why so many guys watch UFC or Pride or other fighting sports, and so many take up martial arts and try to join themselves.
But ignorant people fail to realize the skill and complexity involved in hand to hand combat. If you don't like it, thats fine, but then why do you go? Why PAY MONEY?! Most UFC fans don't even pay to watch, and those who do really enjoy it. You on the other hand spent money on something you don't even like.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha. its your same tired material, but with a slightly different angle.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 07:36:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
i like cock
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-06-06 08:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-06-06 08:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
2003? Did I miss something?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-06 07:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And thus ends the great 'do girls like cock' debate of 2003.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 07:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i like cock
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-06 07:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your girlfriend looks like Frankie Howard"
ah yes, those were the days
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 07:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Filthy has gone insane.
WHAT WILL CRAZY FILTHY DO NEXT??
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, for the record, those last two responses were courtesy of someone who is both not me and is also now in very big trouble. dhsreqw4raSZ
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That motherfucker!
For thel/kp][t0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:51:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many lines to quote, all gold, blah blah.
Let's touch each other inappropriately.
---------------------
Oh, honey, you know I'd let you lick my juicy pussy...
It's just a matter of time.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many lines to quote, all gold, blah blah.
Let's touch each other inappropriately.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UFC is fucking awesome, but the way you wrote this made it even better.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 04:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-06 04:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember the first time I was in America and the national anthem started playing. Everybody suddenly stood up and whilst I had witnessed the phenomenon on telly it still took me completely by surprise. I honestly didn't know what to do. I didn't know the words so I just sort looked around in confused horror, awkwardly got to my feet and gawped at the other people in the audience.
Americans really don't realise just how surreal they really are.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2006-06-06 02:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god damn i love UFC
pfc too
damn
Submitted by Candyapple (user info) at 2006-06-06 01:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...as one of the old guys mammaries proved when it burst forth from his unitard and proceeded to swing freely for the remainder of the match, at one point dangling dangerously close to his opponents mouth."
Lovely wording--the mental image will take months to erase now.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-06-06 01:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, you should be retarded. I'll drop some matches on the floor and you can count them.....except I don't have any matches so I'll just throw down my lighter and you shout "ONE!"
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-06-06 01:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd pay to see a titty-twisting match.
"Let's Get Ready To........"
i got noth'n
as usual
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm, this is why i love the gym i go to..
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:20:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
I reposted it because I forgot to resize the picture the first time. I have no idea what event it was - I'm claiming the female disclaimer on this one.
***************************
Cop out.
I'm going to bed.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:09:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:06:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, you should be retarded. I'll drop some matches on the floor and you can count them.....except I don't have any matches so I'll just throw down my lighter and you shout "ONE!"
GOLD.
Though I'm confused as to what you actually attended. That picture doesn't look like UFC to me, but I SUPPOSE it's POSSIBLE you got lazy and just swiped a poor quality shot from the interweb, but why would you want to deceive us so?
So what kind of UFC event was this?
************************************************
Did you repost? Uber just did something that hurt my brain.
====
I reposted it because I forgot to resize the picture the first time. I have no idea what event it was - I'm claiming the female disclaimer on this one.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute. UFC guys are gay. Nobody has ever pointed that out.
In other news, you did this in the least contemptible way possible, which wins you a +2.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:06:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, you should be retarded. I'll drop some matches on the floor and you can count them.....except I don't have any matches so I'll just throw down my lighter and you shout "ONE!"
GOLD.
Though I'm confused as to what you actually attended. That picture doesn't look like UFC to me, but I SUPPOSE it's POSSIBLE you got lazy and just swiped a poor quality shot from the interweb, but why would you want to deceive us so?
So what kind of UFC event was this?
************************************************
Did you repost? Uber just did something that hurt my brain.