The Chord of 88 Notes (528 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.7 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lee & Tan (View user info) at 2006-06-06 04:25:49 EDT
Standing at opposing ends of the stage were two grand pianos, waiting silently with their keyboards and resonators covered. Dimly lit by stray rays intended for the centre stage, the pianos gleamed softly, their edges glinting where they caught the light. Each of the colossal Steinway Model D concert grand pianos were finished in the blackest and shiniest of black, the sort of black one would find on a well polished black BMW 745iL.
"We better get started quickly," a male voice came from the darkness, "I need more practice on our duet."
"Lets get the pianos in position and we'll be ready to go," another male voice replied.
They each approached a piano, and walked around their instrument, bending down at each leg to unlock the castors' shiny pair of brass wheels. Having removed their brakes, the half-tonne instruments could now be moved with ease, if at a pedestrian pace.
The first pianist smelled a momentary fragrance of inspiration, "Let's see who can get his piano into position first."
"What the..." the other pianist was lost for words. Never had he heard of such an absurd proposition.
"Come on, the sooner we get them in place the earlier we can start."
"These things weight 500 kilograms!" the second pianist mounted a feeble protest.
"That's the challenging bit isn't it?"
Each of the pianists stood ready, prepared to lean into their ponderous engines of music. At the collective count to three, they both heaved at their grand pianos. Owing to the inviolability of the natural laws of the universe commonly ascribed to the second holder of the Lucasian Chair of Mathematics at Cambridge University, the pianos accelerated at a slow rate due to their sheer inertial mass.
The pianos accelerated from mere inching to crawling speed, then to walking pace before approaching the speed of a brisk walk. By then, the pianos were about three quarters of their way to their destination spots, but the two competing pianists remained very closely matched. As 6 pairs of brass castor wheels rolled across the wooden stage floor, they emitted a gentle rumbling as a reminder to the world that they were rolling.
"Shit. Stop! We're going to crash!" A spark of realisation hit one of the pianists.
He was right. What was in their eyes a scene of two racing pianofortes was now a scene of the impending collision of two steam locomotives out of control, or two raging bulls arguing over fertilizing rights to a particularly fetching cow, or two colliding stars just doing what colliding star systems usually do. It was about as heart wrenching as seeing in slow motion two shiny black BMW 745iL luxury saloons rushing to plough into each other head on.
On the stage, two hearts suddenly increased their pumping frequencies from a sedate 95 beats per minute to 170bpm. The panicked pianists did their utmost best to restrain their pianos' progress, but it was to not much success at this stage of the race. Due to the sheer inertial mass of the instruments, the pianos could only be decelerated at a slow rate, again owing to the inviolability of the laws of the universe commonly ascribed to the second holder of the Lucasian Chair of Mathematics at Cambridge.
The two Steinway Model D concert grand pianos approached each other with hardly any mercy. In hindsight, it was not really surprising since pianos were not known to be sentient creatures capable of emotions. It was true that an expertly played piano, like a deftly wielded katana, is capable of stirring various emotions. However, it is also true that the piano and katana themselves are unfortunately excluded from this business of emotions.
The pianos collided at an angle, the rear portion of one driving into the keyboard of the other. Upon impact, cracks developed in the birch wood casing, propagating at the speed of sound and fracturing the casing. Each of the lovingly finished cast iron frames which held the piano wires under tension received a terrifying jolt, causing each and every wire to vibrated wildly, transmitting their vibrations to the sounding board and thus 'playing' a tremendous super-chord of 88 notes simultaneously on both pianos. This feat was not bested until 23 years later when a group of similarly inclined pianists managed to crash a trio of 9-octave grand pianos to create a 108 note mega-chord on 3 pianos.
At first glance, the damage did not seem overwhelmingly bad. There were only a few cracks along the piano casings, some failed keys and actions, maybe a misaligned soundboard and extensive mistuning. The cast iron frame which held the wires appear to be intact, and no wires were broken.
However, a US$100,000 grand piano is not expensive only because of its premium material parts, but mainly because of the care taken to make sure the thousands of components are matched together perfectly.
At second glance, the damage was horrific.
User Reviews
Submitted by fclo002 (user info) at 2006-12-21 12:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was awesome!
there are many posts that are awful,
and a few that are hilarious.
but you managed to make one that is
hilariously awful.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someday I'll own my very own Steinway Model D. Really.
I was reading this with growing horror and could feel the terror of the pianists.
One time in youth orchestra, I had 3 clarinets going, and I put my B-flat (my baby) on my chair, and went to go put the E-flat (orchestra's clarinet) away. My leg caught the B-flat, and I watched in complete horror as it fell off the chair, landed on its keys and bounced on the floor.
Complete horror. It was okay though after I got it repaired. I still play on it.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CENTER
"These things weight 500 kilograms!"(1100 pounds. weigh)
BMW 745iLWe have all seen luxury cars, Mr. Pretentious
Them thar pianys wuz ruined fer no gud rezon, dude. . .
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 13:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
COOL.
How are things in China, or Indonesia, or where that place is that you are?
Write about local stuff, that's always interesting.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-06 08:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-06 08:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-06-06 07:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too technical. Could be good if filled out humanized a bit. Do like the title, though.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-06 05:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
the elusive -1
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-06 04:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh. The rating says it all.