Doing Our Part For Democracy (754 hits)
Category: Politics -> IraqRating: 1.52 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by John Galt <UberJohnGalt.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-06-06 11:35:53 EDT
Today I'm posting to applaud the Bush administration for the ongoing "War on Terror". It took me a while to come around, but now that I finally see what they're doing, I'm completely behind it. I hope that when I'm finished explaining you will be too.
To start off we need some common ground to work with. Hopefully, we can all agree that Democracy is a wonderful idea. People should be allowed to govern themselves, or else they're nothing more than slaves to the ruling class, whatever group that might be. Therefore, we should find a way to spread democracy to all the people of the world, in order to prevent injustice, slavery, oppression and the occasional genocide.
Unfortunately, democracy is not contagious. Citizens in non-democratic countries don't look at the democratic ones and go, "Man. I wish we had that." Well, maybe they do, but when it comes to overthrowing dictatorships, talk is not nearly enough. If you want democracy, you have to fight. The problem is that fighting, by its very nature, leads to death. Also, it's really hard work. People will not fight unless they're unified in their cause. In other words, they have to each be fighting for themselves.
Now, if you want people to fight for themselves, you just have to have something that all of them can hate. A totalitarian dictator is enough sometimes, but not always. And it seems that oppression and injustice alone are too hard to rally against. So, if you want people to fight, you're going to need a catalyst. Freedom and democracy as ideals just won't unify people to the point of fighting. However, if the oppressor is of a different race, socioeconomic class, religion, etc., or it could just be really far away (see US Revolution for an example), people come together and fight.
Using that philosophy, Bush saw that in Iraq, Saddam just wasn't enough. In order for the people of Iraq to fight back, they needed a cause. So, The United States, led by the Bush administration, 250,000 million paranoid, xenophobic citizens and Toby Keith, has decided to give them just the catalyst they need. It may take a few more years, but with enough mismanagement and under-funding in postwar cleanup efforts, we'll have given the people of Iraq just the cause they need to unify and fight for themselves. Sure, they'll all want to kill us, but that's the price you pay for doing the right thing.
Personally, I think it's brilliant. It's unfortunate that we'll have to be the ones to take the fall for it in the end, but I think it's worth it. Freedom isn't free, they say, and who better to foot the bill than the richest country in the world?
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As an add on to this message, I've decided to put together a little list for all of you who would like to join in the cause but are too fat, lazy, uncoordinated or gay to join the military and kill some terrorists on your own.
1. Don't vote. Now, I know it may seem like it would undermine our own democracy, but the truth is, no one will notice. Just stay at home each November and show the world that the citizens of the US can't be bothered with running our own government and we don't care what that government does to them either.
2. Support our new initiatives to ban gay marriage, deny rights to non citizens we think might be terrorists, to make English our real official language, and maybe even one day we can sneak God into a Constitutional Amendment. We have to make sure that EVERY group is isolated from us, and theocracies are notoriously easy to rally against. Remember, the more people who hate you, the better chance they have of coming together against you.
3. Buy American...where American means the company's ownership is here, but the parts come from Taiwan or China, it's assembled in Mexico, and sold at Wal-Mart, all under wages and working conditions even the Burmese junta wouldn't condone. If you have the money, you could even start your own sweat shop in a 3rd World country. There's no better way to show the world that we don't care about their plight. We just want cheap goods and services, and we're more than willing to take advantage of those we're claiming to help to get them.
4. Send care packages to Iraq and Afghanistan with US flags included. We've been dropping food/bombs/food/bombs/food for so long now that they have to be board with it. It's time to mix it up a little, and at the same time make them think we're claiming the land for ourselves.
5. Watch all of those "towel heads" with the same suspicion and intensity that you used to reserve for black people. Black people, you can join in too. Isn't it about time you created your own blind racial prejudice to get justice for the one you've always had to endure?
6. Drive an SUV. Whether the war is or isn't related to oil is completely irrelevant. So long as we stubbornly refuse to end our dependence on it, there will still be reason for some to believe that it is. And as long as they can believe that, they can hate us.
7. Listen to and buy albums by Toby Keith and Alan Jackson which take the opportunity to capitalize on tragedies and war under the guise of caring and patriotism while simultaneously boycotting artists that speak out in unpatriotic ways, like the Dixie Chicks. It's the perfect combination of bad musical taste, missing the point of everything and focusing on completely asinine details.
8. Hate France. It's not like they ever did anything for us, right?
9. Make a Top 10 list making fun of the whole thing while you sit at your nice comfy chair in your air conditioned office, ignoring the guy up in Marketing who keeps calling to complain because his Outlook isn't working AGAIN, because he insists on keeping every email he ever received.
10. Ignore it all. Fuck it, why should you care anyway?
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On a side note, I know some of you might be thinking, "Why start with the Middle East? Why not start with something like Darfur, where it's much more urgent for the people involved?" Well, I'll tell you why. It's true that we could have started with the worst places and worked our way down to those in less need, but...that seems really hard. Plus, Africans didn't blow up any buildings in the US, so they aren't a direct threat to us yet. US citizens are people too, you know. And, as I've mentioned already, people won't even fight for their own freedom without a catalyst. What makes you think we'd fight for someone else's? Besides, if we spread democracy in the Middle East now maybe it'll trickle across to Africa on its own.
As this picture clearly shows, the plan is already working. We've successfully unified Germany, France, the UK and even ourselves against us. Maybe one day they'll all be Democracies too.
Vive la Démocratie Contagieuse
User Reviews
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2006-08-30 09:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for paid vacation giving me a minute to catch up on my wasting time.
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2006-06-07 09:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-06-07 08:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, this wasn't a serious political post?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-07 08:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let India retain the world's largest democracy. We all KNOW the USA deserves to be objectivist.
Right, Mr. Galt?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-07 04:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THERES ZIPS IN THE TREES, BUT I GOT CHARLIE ON THE MUDDA FOOKIN GROUND
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-06-07 03:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy dogshit, it's John Galt!!
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:43:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
unifying yourself against yourself...avant-garde
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says the master
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 13:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think we can use the word avant-garde anymore either.
que lastima
oops
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-06 13:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew this was satire before I even read it. I've missed you, Mr. Galt.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-06-06 13:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i've heard enough about politics.
why dwell on it if you won't make a single difference?
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great, well done.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I watch too much Colbert Report.
By the way Loki, I spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how "Starbucks" was based on a foreign word before I realized you were talking about the size henceforth known as "WICKED HUGE" or "FREEDOM SIZE" and formally referred to by the Mexican word for big.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh noes! moneyshot called me a name! I'll be sure to wipe away my emo tears after I angrily bang out this reply on the keyboard, shattering keys and ensuring that I can't retort against such literary mastery as the word, "dipshit".
If you didn't miss the point, would you care to clarify it for everyone then since you obviously know so much about the author's intent?
You forgot your helmet today, didn't you?
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by eleanor_rigby (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:02:11 (#)
Ranking: -2
Media based knowledge
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So, did you just not read it or are you fucking retarded?
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:07:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to completely miss the point, moneyshot.
Is it just me or is reading comprehension slowly spiralling into extinction?
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I didn't miss the point dipshit
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I NEARLY missed the point and -2ed this.
*dies*
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to completely miss the point, moneyshot.
Is it just me or is reading comprehension slowly spiralling into extinction?
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Media based knowledge
Submitted by keitsith (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly, i think that the best answer to deal with terrorism is a massive nuclear campaign. Of course innocent people might die in the process, but the people mourning them will unify and will stand proudly for their life! Plus, some terrorists will die too..
Let's start with Europe !!!
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Starbucks is the Great Satan of the west...
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:43:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
unifying yourself against yourself...avant-garde
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all part of the master plan.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also think that we should refuse to allow our children to learn any foreign language or really anything about any foreign culture. It also might help to purge all words from the American language with roots from foreign languages. Let's start with Starbucks, goddamnit it's SMALL, MEDIUM, LARGE, and WICKED HUGE. Who's with me?
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, funny and insightful
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
satire is fun
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
unifying yourself against yourself...avant-garde
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scoobybri (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny how so many people can state the obvious truth so many times and it makes no difference to US policy makers. On second thought, it's not funny at all.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-06-06 11:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment