Woodys adventures in the pubs clubs and schools of Great Britain, and Iceland now that I think about it. And Majorca. (1209 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.64 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DCWoody (View user info) at 2006-06-06 14:02:04 EDT
ALL OF THESE ARE BASED FIRMLY ON REAL EVENTS
TAKING MY TIME
Me:<insert long subtle bringing up of subject>
Her: 'I can honestly say that I DEFINITELY DO NOT fancy you.'
Me:<insert long subtle bringing up of subject>
Her: 'I like a guy who doesn't follow the crowd, but I don't mean an anti-sheep if you know what I mean.'
Me: 'I could say exactly the same thing.'
Her: *laughs* 'What? You like a GUY who doesn't follow the crowd?'
Me: *laugh* *foolish grin* 'Yes! I'm in, softly softly catchy monkey'
Her: *stares* 'Did you just call me a monkey?'
Me: 'Holy shit I said that out loud?'
NO POINT BEATING AROUND THE BUSH
Me: 'Hey, wanna game of pool, cos I've got a couple of balls and a REALLY long cue'
Her: *stares* '...That line was so bad I think it gave me cancer'
< NB: Women! Do not get your putdowns from TV>
Me: 'Oh my god you're hot! Can I take you back to my place and find new and inventive uses for king size mars bars...I have to warn you it could take some time, cos I know what you're thinking and trust me, that's been done before. Twice.'
Her: 'I'm allergic to chocolate.'
Me: 'Fancy a shag?'
Her:*turning around* 'oh fina-fucking-ly! ye...ah...erm, no thanks mate, sorry.'
Me: 'Could I buy you a drink?'
Her: 'I'm a lesbian'
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
She was wearing a T-shirt with a picture of and eye, a heart and a male chicken on it.
Me: 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?'
Her: *looks me up and down* 'I'd rather have the cash'.
Me: 'Oh I'm sorry I didn't realise you were working'
<NB: Women! DO NOT get your putdowns from TV>
Me: 'Aren't you tired? You've been running through my head all day?'
Her: (quick as a flash) 'I was looking for a brain cell.'
Me: 'Er, hi, me again...listen; are you actually allergic to chocolate or were you jus...'
Her: 'FUCK! OFF!'
Her: 'I can sit on anything and I'm comfortable.'
Me: 'That's cos you've got padding' *waggles eyebrows*
Her: 'You bastard!'
Me: 'Whaaaaat?'
Her: 'I do not have a fat arse!'
ITS NOT ALL ONE WAY TRAFFIC:
It: 'Hey...'
Me: 'ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH' *exaggerated dive under table* -pause- 'is it gone?'
It: 'Can I buy you a drink'
Me 'Er...LOOK AN EAGLE! *points theatrically* *runs away*
Her: 'Hiyah...you're really fit...'
Me: 'Well whatdaya know, a life size Barbie.'
My mate: *walks up wearing pink hat* 'H...'
Me: (very loudly) 'I don't care how big it is, I'm not gay!'
Her: 'Hey, we was, like, wonderin'...'
Me: (Shouting) 'MATTHEW!!! Fetch me my Chaving rifle!'
Unknown: 'Hey, fancy a game of pool?'
Me: Er, nah thanks...er...ooo, sorry mate...this is gonna sound really offensive, but for a second there I thought you were a woman.'
My mate: *chokes on beer*
Unknown: *Walks off*
My mate: 'Dude, that WAS a woman!'
It: *Walks up nervously, grinning, or at least showing its teeth*
Me: *leans down slowly to whisper (loudly) in a mates ear* 'Don't worry, if we stay perfectly still it can't see us.'
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-25 17:33:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by purpiiiie (user info) at 2007-07-10 01:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah you just made my day have some sort of worth!
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-05-07 00:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you made my night
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-07 00:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Her: 'Hey, we was, like, wonderin'...'
Me: (Shouting) 'MATTHEW!!! Fetch me my Chaving rifle!'
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OMG Priceless!!!!
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-09-19 22:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're pocketing too many free pencils from work.
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-15 06:11:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
not bad considering
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-15 05:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-07 06:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-07 05:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-07 05:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
c001
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-06-07 05:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: 'ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH' *exaggerated dive under table* -pause- 'is it gone?'
Mwahhh
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-06-06 18:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jonny...see above
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I heard Icelander chicks are an easy score...true?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:13:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
hehehhe looking for a braincell.
is there a count on those pencils?
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Yeah, lots.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Farking laughing my arse off, kudos!!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hehehhe looking for a braincell.
is there a count on those pencils?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice pencils
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sunLIGHT not sunset
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
4 months of continous sunset and more football pitches per person than any other country makes for good times.
Also longest life expectancy and lowest pollution in Europe, Rejavik (SP) has hell of a night life.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-06-06 14:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no talk about iceland :-(
I like iceland.