Lonely Douchebag Seeks Lovin' (770 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.81 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-06-06 15:13:51 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/60102
In the essence of the referenced post, here goes.
The fiance and I are on the outs. I'm probably moving out of the house we bought and she's got some new song on her Myspace page by Julie Roberts titled Wake Up Older. Read the lyrics and see the symbolism for yourself. I fucking hate women. I fucking hate Myspace.
So, since I'm at work and drinking is absolutely out of the question I'll throw myself out there to the masses.
I'm a 22 year old North Carolina boy that's become jaded by lousy women. Live near the Outer Banks of NC. Brown head hair, red everywhere else. Somewhat antisocial at times. Gets drunk and watches Fight Club or plays video games, regardless if I just woke or not. College Degree. I Thai box and grapple but hate the phrase "mount him" when grappling. Will do any sort of yard work and house hold chores for blowjobs and sex (with a female preferred, Alain). I complain. A lot. Especially when not given promised sex although services were rendered. I'm a Velveeta guy, not a Kraft blue box toxic orange macaroni and cheese kind of guy. Quickest way to my heart is through my stomach....or a bullet. Whatever. Seeing as Blondes and Red Heads have turned batshit on me, I no longer have any preferences. Just a pulse. I have asthma so you'll probably think you did a really good job but alas, no, it's just my asthmatic weezing, not your backing that thing up. You're more than welcome to try though. Must like camping, giving road head, and of course, serving beer in high heels and a bikini. Well, jeans and a t-shirt at least.
I'm thinking I need a foreign chick. They want to get into the US, right?
Any takers?
User Reviews
Submitted by URMY_bitch (user info) at 2006-08-12 10:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-06-07 07:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And yes, foreign girls kick ass, especially Brazilians and Eastern Europeans. My current gf is French, they can be really sweet too.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-06-07 07:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take the lead and just fucking leave. Find someone else, fuck her. The last sentance can be interpreted many ways, and YES to all of them.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-07 01:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I'm a 22 year old North Carolina boy"
i don't know about you, but when i look south...I KNOW, a boy doesn't have one of these
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-06-06 18:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:07:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Good title- For once3, 100% accurate.
On the other hand, why doesn't it surprise me that your broad decided that you weren't worth hanging around for?
I'm not even in the same STATE as you and I can't stand you, either. Imagine sharing a house.
Here's a tip: Try getting a "new personality" and do something about that body odor, while you're at it.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're gonna have to dump your pink anused boyfriend first, you flacid effeminate faggot.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good title- For once3, 100% accurate.
On the other hand, why doesn't it surprise me that your broad decided that you weren't worth hanging around for?
I'm not even in the same STATE as you and I can't stand you, either. Imagine sharing a house.
Here's a tip: Try getting a "new personality" and do something about that body odor, while you're at it.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr. Jeanneee prescribes at least 1 year of sloppy, meaningless revenge-sex before attempting to get into another relationship. Be your own best friend!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:17:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
PAGING MANDI SMOAK
MANDI SMOAK TO THE WHITE COURTESY PHONE PLEASE
____________
+2 for this.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMBULENCE AHOY!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go to brazil. all you have to do is stand there and be american.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry about it, I will love you up.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:38:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Sucker! You shoulda been smart like me and saved all of your sperm from whenever you masturbate in a bucket in your fridge.
___________________________
My roommate last year wanted to do this, except on a smaller scale and unrefrigerated, then pay someone an unfathomable (and inexistant) sum of cash to drink it. Guess who his first offer was made to.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:20:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
I dont have asthma but I cant have kids.
----------------------------------------
Sucker! You shoulda been smart like me and saved all of your sperm from whenever you masturbate in a bucket in your fridge.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You pay airfare and I give you special super numba one boom boom.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I have asthma so you'll probably think you did a really good job but alas, no, it's just my asthmatic weezing, not your backing that thing up. "
That right there earned you your +2.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
R U LEIK HOT N STUF?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey i've been married once, what once isn't good enough for you????! WELL FUCK YOU THEN!!!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would have guessed a lot older than 22.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:24:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:20:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
shouldn't live with someone before ya marry em it doesn't usually work out.
----------------
I'm starting to believe this is very, very true.
----
yeah, but it makes escaping a LOT easier if you need to - trust Jonny on this, I've been 'married' TONS of times.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i''ll buy you a hooker :) or a drink whatever's cheaper now that i know you're old enough to drink.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:20:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
shouldn't live with someone before ya marry em it doesn't usually work out.
----------------
I'm starting to believe this is very, very true.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA. Tell that fat bitch to stay away. No wait, tell her oink oink oink, soooweeee sooooweeee, oink McOink.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a pair of lesbian neighbors I've been trying to unload on someone for months. They weigh in at a nice combined 987 lbs. They collect cats. I think they may shower ocassionally, as the stench is sometimes less than others.
They've been interested in trying out a guy for a while now. They told me right before I ran inside to puke.
You want me to forward your info to them?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shouldn't live with someone before ya marry em it doesn't usually work out.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, is Ubersite turning into a dating service? Might as well throw in my two pence then.
TTOM is 26 and angry.
Im 5 foot 8 and weigh about the same as a 6 year old child, count the ribs. I havent got any preference about the women I date as long as theyre breathing and not a total swamp donkey Im cool...breathing is optional.
Im a 10th level magus.
I have superpowers.
I dont have asthma but I cant have kids.
Jesus hates me. One time he came up to me in a shop, told me so then bitch slapped me. I was 11 years old.
The psych doctors say Im "probably" fine.
I like macaroni cheese.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd sell you my friend, but she complains a lot. Although, that might not be a problem since she loves giving head, and her mouth will be full at all times.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PAGING MANDI SMOAK
MANDI SMOAK TO THE WHITE COURTESY PHONE PLEASE
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:16:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mail order bride