I'm on my way . . . I'm on my waaaaaay . . . Home Sweet Home. (800 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Teephphah (View user info) at 2006-06-06 15:37:31 EDT
"Never stand between a pregnant woman and what she wants."
That's my motto and so far it has kept me alive through a total of seventeen months of my wife's pregnancies. So far, so good. As long as I don't stray from the formula the odds of my survival are, I would say, better than average.
But most of the time I'm not faced with keeping my silence on something this big. Or long-term.
I'm buying a house today.
Yeah, my wife has taken "nesting" to the next level and beyond. Cleaning our quaint little starter split-level isn't cutting it and now she's decided that we're moving.
She's found the perfect place and as soon as I leave the office in an hour, I'm going to go fill out the paperwork.
I have some concerns.
First, and this is typically HER area of concern, I think we may be buying too much house. It's something like 4,000 square feet. Sure a lot of that will come from the attic that's been converted, and THAT will come in VERY handy once the kids are a little bigger. It can be an entire play FLOOR instead of a play-room.
I think I saw in interview with Chris Rock and he had one of those. Pretty cool, really.
Anyway, so, yeah. I'm buying a house and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I was raised Catholic. In case you're keeping track at home, that makes me the kind of person who sees the holy image of the Virgin Mary in the burn marks of a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe grilled ham and cheese if you're feeling like something a little less bland.
So here I am, looking for signs that God, the Universe and anyone else with a potential non-vested, springing future interest might have a "yea" or "nay" on the deal. What do the chicken bones tell me? You know?
It's been easy in the past. With our CURRENT house, we decided to move JUST as I was getting out of school. That meant that my broke ass was unemployed, which meant that we were POOOOOOOR folk. Which meant that we qualified for this nifty little first-time homebuyer loan. Cool. Low, low, low interest rates.
Then, when we found the "perfect" house, the former owners were a couple in the middle of a particularly vicious divorce. The house had been on the market for a couple months and neither former owner was living there, which mean that they were both paying rent somewhere else PLUS paying on the mortgage for the house we wanted.
We had them over a barrel and we raped them savagely . . . just as the Lord had obviously preordained.
Wait. That probably could have been expressed better.
Anyway, in the current situation, there haven't been any of those little pieces falling into place "just so" so as to make me think that this is a big cosmic "JUST DO IT."
It doesn't help that today is 6/6/06. If it wouldn't make me such a superstitious pussy, that would probably have been either a deal-breaker, or at least a deal-delayer.
But I'm no superstitious pussy. I don't believe in any of those omens and shit like that. I'm going to skate it off. I'm going to muscle through. I'm going to tough it out. I'm going to bravely NOT stand between a pregnant woman and what she wants.
After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?
User Reviews
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-06-07 10:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-07 09:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:24:00 (#)
Ranking: -2
___________________________________________________________________
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
<wipes tears away>
Oh Bradley, how full your life must be. If you wanted my pity, you've got it.
Come here. I think SOMEONE needs a great big hug.
In other news:
I DID NOT BUY A HOUSE YESTERDAY!!!
I pulled some lawyer shit on them, so now I'm buying a house TODAY! Ha! Take THAT 6/06/06. Not that I was skeered or nuthin'.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-07 03:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:09:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't Scott Peterson's wife want to move?
=================
thats hardcore
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-07 03:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck you
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My question is: when you try and chop up your family after the spirits of tortured indians drive you insane, will you still be as hot as Ryan Reynolds? Because I have never wanted to jump the bones of an axe-weilding psycopath with crazy facial hair as much as I did when I saw him. Running around in those low-riding sweatpants... that belly.... oh... ooooh god.
Alone time.
Submitted by scoobybri (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
4000 square ft. is a pretty damn huge place for 4 peeps. You WILL have rooms you never use. Believe you me.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't Scott Peterson's wife want to move?
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one
of my livers. I can get by with one.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. Patty and Selma
Ok TEEP...you HATE being a lawyer. A 4000 foot house commits you to
lawyering for life. The house, then college for the kids, then save
for your retirement. You will never be free. I say fuck it..don't buy.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-06-06 19:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We just got our starter place (also a split level) just a year ago. Looking at getting something with acreage a few years down the road. Since I was an intern then and a global manager now, it should be fairly simple.
For what it's worth, here's I've learned from living in a less-than-ideal situation:
* If you own anything shy of 40 acres, beware the neighborhood. Drive through it ten or twelve times. Run background checks. Plant bugging devices. Impersonate gas meter readers. Stake a tent in a prospective neighbor's backyard and see how things run at all hours. Perform guerilla theater in public areas and gauge the local's reaction. Know what you're getting yourself into.
* Figure out if there's an association, and if so how intrusive they're allowed to become.
* You don't want to be the "new guy" any longer than absolutely necessary. To this end, take on an abrassive edge. Be the paranoid, militant native American in a neighborhood of laid-back, small-town, everyone-knows-and-likes-everyone rednecks. Remember, you'll hate your neighbors sooner or later, so you may as well get it overt with.
* If you're going to mount artillery on your porch and aim it into your neighbor's son's window, I would recommend culverins. Don't go cheap on the limber; I'd recommend solid oak stock.
* Sprinklers are a great way to keep children off your yard. Especially if you run them directly from the septic tank.
* Lemme know if I can help. The person in the office across the way moonlights as a real estate agent (not sure if this is also what your wife does?)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:06:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you going to leave behind that shed you made with your own tool and are so very proud of?
--
Holy shit. Now that's talent.
"Margie, lookit that. That boy's driving nails with his dingus."
Congrats on the house.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41991
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-06-06 17:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS IS COMING BACK!
YAY!!
HE'S BACK ON THE GRID!
WOOHOO!!!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha.....@ETS
someone is jealous of your success Teeph
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Has anyone at your church named their kid Nevaeh?
It's heaven backwards. I read something in the paper about how it was really catching on with the Jesus crowd. Kind of goes along with the 666 thing doesn't it?
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey if you want a big sign with a bible verse on it as a house warming present, let me know. I think I know where I can find one.
One of Sam's friends from high school's dad (get that) is on a round the world sailing trip right now. I've been out in the catamaran. It made me glad I'm a good swimmer.
The Jesus pan is awesome.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhahahhahah good luck with that. you could always let me move in, i'll live overseas for a while.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bought a Jesus pan last week.
I should be getting it in a few days, I hope.
And Teeph, for the love of all that is holy, you're going to make the OCD woman live in a 4K sq ft house?
That's mean, but humerous.
Take it.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and the shed will stay behind. I'll re-build it. Bigger, stronger, faster. Like Lee Majors.
The half-pipe has been reduced to it's individually labeled components and will be moving with us.
I bet the new neighbors are going to LOVE it.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
TToM - Is that a vote FOR or AGAINST?
Loki - Just this weekend my buddy from Alaska took me SAILING! Real wind and sails and shit sailing, not sitting in the bass boat drinking warm Old Milwaukee Light (not that there's anything wrong with that) and I had a freaking BLAST. I got to yell "Jib Ho!" and say, "Sully's catches of the day!" all day long.
So I decided I wanted to build a cabin on one of the lakes around here and buy a sailboat.
I was voted down before it even made it to committee. =(
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:50:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://jesuspan.com/
------------------
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SO, youre moving house, your wife is pregnant and its 6/6/6..are you INSANE?! Have you never SEEN a horror movie?!
You know the house is gonna be haunted, right? and the kid will communicate with it. I tells ya, is that what you want? cos thats whatll happen!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you going to leave behind that shed you made with your own tool and are so very proud of?
Interest rates are going to kill you, but then again you can refinance when it goes back down.
I'm seriously considering building a cabin up in the sticks. I had this idea of getting a couple of acres of land first and camping on it while fantasizing about building a cabin. I want just the perfect little spot of land, near a ridge but not at the top of the ridge, sort of tucked into a hollow and maybe with a stream on it, not hell and gone from civilization but far enough away that I don't have to hear/see/smell civilization. Something very much like the land my parents own. See where this is going?
yup
The best part is that while we were pouring over survey maps, my dad said that he has a right of way to go in over the other side of the mountain to the ridge that I so so desperately want as opposed to building the road up there past their house.
meaning
That we wouldn't have to drive right by my parent's house to get there.
I think we're going with a simple 900 square feet open floor plan split log design with a big porch that goes all the way around it and a centrally located fire place.
I tried to explain to dad how I saw something in the southern home show that was a hot tub built inside a walled in garden complete with a waterfall.
While tis true that I am the favorite, based on the look I got and the fact that my dad said that if I wanted to go sit in a waterfall I could plant my ass in the middle of the river, I'm thinking that it's a no go with the hot tub thing.
I mentioned the geodesic dome thing and damn near got kicked off the cabin design team.
Clearly my wants and needs are not properly addressed by my cold, heartless family.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:50:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://jesuspan.com/
_____________________________
I need this.
Anyone know what the US RDA is for JESUS?
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, 4,000 sq. feet? Can I move in or what?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:53:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
We're moving house because I'm pregnant too. I've had an irrational urge to sell our 3 bedroom house and buy another 3 bedroom house. It's all taking far too long for my liking!
_______________________________________________________________
OH! And I'm sure it's all TERRIBLY exciting! PAY NO MIND to all the WORK that your husband/partner/illegal migrant love slave will have to do to get your CURRENT house in shape to sell. EVEN THOUGH YOUR GIGANTIC BEACH-BALL ASS WILL BE OF NO HELP WHATSOEVER, YOU JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING!
Got it?!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
George Lutz just died a few weeks ago.
That means there is an evil spirit casting about and looking for someone to fuck with.
heh-heh-heh...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solidarity Brotha
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:50:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://jesuspan.com/
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love it.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We're moving house because I'm pregnant too. I've had an irrational urge to sell our 3 bedroom house and buy another 3 bedroom house. It's all taking far too long for my liking!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://jesuspan.com/
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:46:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
It's actually less than 1,000 square feet a piece once you count the dogs and the cat.
Actually, the cat may suffer an unfortunate accident during the moving process. I have foreseen it.
-----
WOOOOOOOOOO!
ALEISTER!
HAIL SANTA!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your house looks scary.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's actually less than 1,000 square feet a piece once you count the dogs and the cat.
Actually, the cat may suffer an unfortunate accident during the moving process. I have foreseen it.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH NOES, Teeph's gonna Amityville his family
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Damn that is a lot of house. You'll have 1,000 square feet a piece.
Are you sure really really SURE you want to let the kids have a whole floor for a play area, up stairs, where they could hear you coming because of that creaky step about halfway up?
I'm just sayin'
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats a samll house...
I like the upsidedown cross