What Do A Flounder And An Asshole Have In Common?? (990 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.18 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-06-08 02:58:05 EDT
I have a co-worker that bothers me.
I know we all have co-workers that bother us, but I need to describe this person in hopes that you can avoid them in your future endeavors, at all costs. It's the long-and-pointless story teller.
If there is one thing I will not stand for, it's giving a shit about a story which has no point other than to glorify one's self with exaggerations, hyperbole, and downright lies. I try to portray this fact by giving quizzical expressions, staring around blankly, or silently praying for the sweet sound of a dying elk while having it related to me, to no avail.
I must have been blessed with a face that betrays no emotion (in which case, I should really look into professional poker as an alternative to the mute occupation that I have opted for), because I can stare daggers at the perpetrator, with murderous thoughts running through my head and they just keep babbling on about their worthless lives.
A good example of this happened to me just today at work. I was checking the gauges on some instrumentation, when I heard the voice from my nightmares.
"$1000 an hour <insert generic company name> is going to pay me to travel around the globe and do a few hours of work." He exclaims proudly.
Great. I'm pretty sure this means that the next two hours of my life are going to be booked with a plethora of information about this turd-burglar's successes. I often wonder though, if he was such a big shot at his other career, why would he give it all up and stoop to the level of being a common Nuclear Engineer?
He continues with his ramble, jumping from subject to unrelated subject like a surgeon at the E.R. and I continue to stare at the same spot on his face until his all other features but the tip of his nose seem to swirl into one.
This is how a typical conversation goes. Keep in mind, the whole time I am nodding and saying things like, "Yeah", "Hm hmm", and "Really? That's fucking crazy."
Guy With Unbelievable Story: Yeah, I used to take clients out deep-sea fishing in my old boat. Had to sell it though because the Coast Guard found out I was using it to peddle smut magazines down the Atlantic seaboard...
Me To Myself: This guy's eyes sure are close together. I'll bet you if it wasn't for his nose, he'd look like a flounder.
GWUS: ...of course that was before I single-handedly wrestled to the ground a sasquatch that had been terrorizing a small Indian village...
MTM: Man, it's fucking cold in here. Why the hell is it always so goddamn cold in the Spring, but when Summer gets here it's like the A/C is a chronic smoker trying to run a marathon, it stops about half-way through?
GWUS: ...then my son won a Pulitzer award, which is pretty impressive because he's twelve and mentally handicapped. You see, he's got Paranoid Schizophrenia-
MTM: Did he just say Paranoid Schizophrenia? My brother has that. Hell, I can jump in on this one.
Me Out Loud: You know, my brother also is afflicted with that. I never really thought about it growing up, but he DID have the tell-tale signs. He was introverted-
GWUS: HEY, MY SON ISN'T ONE OF THOSE GAYS.
MOL: What are you talking about?
GWUS: Maybe your brother was all "Introverted", but that has nothing to do with my family. No one in my family is gay!
MTM: What a dumb shit.
The only reason my sanity was saved, was because someone had to call me over the intercom thinking I had turned-up missing.
YOU CAN'T "TURN UP MISSING"!!!1
Yeah, I know.
Thinking I had gone missing, someone paged me over the P.A. speaker, saving me from this maniacal retard.
HOW'S THAT?! NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE IS THERE?
I don't know if I will make it through another encounter. It seems the more I avoid him, the more he feels the need to use me as an audience for story time. What can I do? I could avoid him, but I'm sure he'd just wait outside by my car, swearing and scratching at my paint job. I could kill him, but I have what's come to be known as a "Sweet Ass", and my anal virginity would surely be in grave peril, which would be flattering if I was, in fact, a ghey menz, however, I am not of the ghey demographic (No matter what that bitch said about me).
I suppose I'll just have to find a new job that doesn't suck as much, but there is one everywhere you go.
I am so completely fucked.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-28 18:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fishy.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-06-17 14:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YO I'M AT TECH WHATCHU WANT?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-09 15:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
e-mail sent, darling.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 20:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
email me lishy and show me t3h way.
average.dan.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-08 20:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88234 <------ Hitwhore.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-08 20:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 20:29:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
*sigh*
I'm a pirate, but I worry more about killing, looting and raping than getting disks of PS. I guess times are changing?
=========
I'm a modern pirate. It's still looting (programs like PS), and the murder and debauchery are now done via gaming and cybersex, you see.
I can show you the way.
IF YOU DARE.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 20:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*sigh*
I'm a pirate, but I worry more about killing, looting and raping than getting disks of PS. I guess times are changing?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*coughs
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:03:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Feel free to play with me whever you please Lishy.
Also, can you send me your photoshop disk so that I don't have to continue to use paint?
==========
Oh, I do..you'd blush if you knew where the image of your face has digitally been.
I would send you my PS, but I don't have disk..I'm a pirate.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Deepthroat X-Factor to Anansie*
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:12:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's all I get?
No masked wrestlesex while cueball watches on and cries/cheers?
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That's not a prize, that's a given.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Masked wrestlesex?!
Oh dear, I have to tell you O, I don't know if I could contain myself to only being a spectator in that situation. While I may cry when it was over, I would be all business during. Something about the feel of latex covering my nostrils just does something for me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's all I get?
No masked wrestlesex while cueball watches on and cries/cheers?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
He may have won a lifetime supply of vitriol from Lisa.
I rather like her for being so caustic.
*ducks
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Feel free to play with me whever you please Lishy.
Also, can you send me your photoshop disk so that I don't have to continue to use paint?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan-
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88530#1997152
to answer your question- it's CLEARLY former French president Francois Mitterand.
He knew how to have a good time.
And I had a great time playing with you in photoshop.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ding ding ding!!
We have a winner folks, Anansie, tell the O-Man what he's won!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To answer the question posed in your title: they smell like Lisa's genitals?
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are never average Dan.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CAN'T "TURN UP MISSING"!!!1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:11:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like 0's.
---
You'd better.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I forwarded it. Thanks for letting me know you changed your email, turd.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm on now, or use my gmail addy, I hardley ever check the hotmail one.
average.dan.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just noticed Shlongy's review as well. Amusing. Can you get on aim?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like 1's, hell, I like 0's. Most importantly, I liked Shlongy's review. I just got it, I was thinking, "What the hell does that mean?" and then i remembered the title.
See, that proves I am retarded.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I knew that was why you posted. Well, dear, if you want to keep your Uber popularity going, you have to keep posting. And we all know that Uber popularity is so very important, right. I mean, there can't possibly be anything in your life more important.
I gave this a 1 because it made me smile. There's nothing wrong with a 1.
I am about to write you an email. Check it.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Agreed Kim, but guess what?
DID YOU GUESS YET? IF YOU DID YOU WERE PROBABLY WRONG.
1.) you made me feel bad about posting, and here you have what happens when you rush mediocrity.
2.) i just got photoshop, so there should be some REALLY waste-of-time-posts in the future!
3.) Axo, you made me go back up to the top and see if that typo was in there. Thank you.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are quite a few long and pointless stories on ubersite. If we all recognized how ironic we are, it would be the end of uber.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have I a worker that cobothers me?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-08 07:58:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-08 04:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I know we all have co-workers that bother us, but I need to describe this person in hopes that you can avoid them in your future endeavors, at all costs. It's the long-and-pointless story teller.
------------
Oh the irony.
-------------------
I was thinking the exact same thing when I clicked "hook me up", but it's been so long since I've posted anything, I felt obligated to submit something. Besides, while it may have been pointless, at least it wasn't that long.
:( <---------------Ghey emoticon
Submitted by ripopotmus (user info) at 2006-06-08 10:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Keep in mind, the whole time I am nodding and saying things like, "Yeah", "Hm hmm", and "Really? That's fucking crazy." "
-------------------------------------------------------
The story of my life...the end.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-08 10:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I approve of this post.
I have the guy who stands in the door of my office telling how everything he does is the best example of how that particular thing should be done.
It's a fantastic opportunity to continue reading and typing and emitting the ocassional grunt in his general direction.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-06-08 09:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid +1, but thanks to TTOM's Educational Corner, have a +2.
I love having a resident zoologist. It makes us cooler than the rest of the websites.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-08 08:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe you should hide his pocket protector
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-08 08:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
an anal fin is the fin on a fish closest to the anus, surprisingly. Not all fish have them, some fish have all the types of fin, some just have a select few, the Sunfish for example.
Strangly, flounders and indeed all flat fish, start off with eyes on either side of the fish like a normal fish does but, as the young fish matures, one eye moves round to join the other.
Zoology rules!
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-08 08:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed the sasquatch reference.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-08 07:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-08 04:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I know we all have co-workers that bother us, but I need to describe this person in hopes that you can avoid them in your future endeavors, at all costs. It's the long-and-pointless story teller.
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Oh the irony.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-08 07:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-08 07:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anal ~fin~=happy ending?
I'm sorry. I just woke up.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-08 07:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
They both go good with tartar sauce?
How the hell do I know...?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-08 07:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There were lots of little humorus gems in this post!
Plus, if I actually read an ENTIRE post it must have something going for it.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-08 07:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm begining to realize that most people don't confront the annoying work people. Perhaps this is my problem.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-06-08 06:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-08 04:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I know we all have co-workers that bother us, but I need to describe this person in hopes that you can avoid them in your future endeavors, at all costs. It's the long-and-pointless story teller.
------------
Oh the irony.
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hahaha, i had the exact same comment in mind
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-08 06:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy shit! An Average_Dan post without a perfect score.
Submitted by Boon (user info) at 2006-06-08 04:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
0, because im a sheep
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-08 04:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anal fin saved this from a -1.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-08 04:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-08 04:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know we all have co-workers that bother us, but I need to describe this person in hopes that you can avoid them in your future endeavors, at all costs. It's the long-and-pointless story teller.
------------
Oh the irony.
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-06-08 03:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-08 03:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bukkake.