A day in the life of a hardworking man (1120 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.53 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spacegrass (View user info) at 2006-06-08 09:52:19 EDT
Tuesday, 6/6/06, 7:00 PM
Today was just a typical day at the office. Jimmy and I had been hard at work, standing around looking pretty. We were getting ready to turn in for the night. A hardworking boy needs his beauty rest. Suddenly...
"Ahhhhhh! FUCKING OWWWWWW!!!! Jimmy! Jimmy buddy! What the hell is going on! JIMMMYYYY!!!!"
Cut off at the knees, Jimmy and I ended up immersed in a soothing liquid, stopping the bleeding and temporarily providing relief from the searing pain.
"Jimmy, are you OK? What the fuck was that? Where are we? Who the hell was the crazy bitch with the surgical instruments?"
Exhausted from the ordeal, Jimmy and I collapsed against each other, a dull ache throbbing where our knees used to be. Finally we drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, we awoke to find ourselves...
"Jimmy? JIMMY! Wake up! Jesus man, you gave me a hell of a scare there! Where the hell are we? What is up with those fucking lights?"
The pleasant heat from the sun that had gently woken us every morning since before I could remember was gone. It was replaced by a harsh, cold, glow. Our knees still ached and the soothing liquid was becoming rancid as we slowly bled to death.
"What's that Jimmy? We should make the best of it? Goddamned right my friend! Let's show that crazy bitch she can amputate our legs, but she cannot take our spirit!"
Determined to stand taller and look prettier than ever, Jimmy and I thrust ourselves erect, fixing smiles to our faces and ready for another day at work as traffic picked up and more people came by to watch us do our thing.
"Jimmy my brother, this is tough! My back is killing me! I know, I know, I miss our support system, too. But hey, we gotta make the best of...HOLY SHIT! Will you check out the jugs on that one! Jimmy, Jimmy! Check it out. She's staring right at us! Oh man, did you see that? She smiled at you, man. I think she likes you. Oh SHIT dude! Here she comes!"
A goddess of a woman came by, rubbing her perfect breasts against us.
"Oh yeah baby, take some of this. Mmmhmmm. Oh yeah OH YEAH!"
Again and again she stopped by, shoving her breasts in our faces until we came all over them. Every time we thought we could not muster up the energy, she stopped by again for just a little more discharge.
"Jimmy, man, can you believe this? This has got to be the greatest day EVER! Oh wait, here she comes again. Man, she looks PISSED. Hey wait! NOOOOOO!"
Yanked from the soothing liquid, Jimmy and I were once again exposed to the harsh, cold air. Pain shooting through our legs, we were unceremoniously dumped on the floor. As the last of our life blood seeped from our bodies, I heard,
"Thanks for the goddamn flowers, you asshole!"
Inspired by: http://www.ubersite.com/m/88915
User Reviews
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-09 08:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We'll give him a cut!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-08 18:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:06:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Pent? What do you say? We could make a mint on this one!
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Hmmmm...I think the fiancee would have a problem with that one.
He's the only one who can pollinate my jubblies.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-08 16:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-06-08 16:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Today was just a typical day at the office.
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very interesting read....
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well...I've got some pollen, all we need now is some uberboobs.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We could give it a test run here -- The Boobs of Uber: Pollen Edition.
If it draws, we open the site and charge $3 a month in membership fees. Cha-ching.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pent? What do you say? We could make a mint on this one!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It can be as soon as we get one or two shots of Pent with her jugs all pollened up.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
I FUCKING GET IT!
I FEEL SMART NOW AND STUFF!
WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS?
WHO CARES?
yay.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:40:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
www.girlswithflowercumontheirtits.biz
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That's not a real website >:O
Submitted by Ogg (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really amzingly fucking cool.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
www.girlswithflowercumontheirtits.biz
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I gave myself a +2. I am thorougly amused with myself right now.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only with Jesus on the dashboard ;)
I will always +2 YOUR love of Clutch! I even love the people I hate if they love Clutch. As a matter of fact....damn :( They have no US tour dates planned for the rest of 2006. Great, now I'm sad.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha hahahha I get it!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like the kind of guy who would want to drive a 1973 Dodge Swinger.
I will always +2 you because of your love of Clutch.
You rule.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 13:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D'oh!
Field DAY! We'll have ourselves a field DAY! *sigh* I need to start drinking at lunch.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 13:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey kid, are you going my way?
Hop in, we'll have ourselves a field.
We'll find us some spacegrass
Lay low watch the universe expand.
I could go on, but I'd keep having to go back and un-capitalize "spacegrass". Anyway, the name has EVERYTHING to do with the Clutch song. They're my favorite band and I've seen them numerous times (where 10 < numerous < 30).
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does your name have anything to do with the song by Clutch?
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-06-08 10:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i don't get it
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-06-08 10:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done on short notice
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-08 10:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NO that was pretty funny man.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 10:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ah good. Glad you liked it. I can never tell if these things are a good idea unless I'm drunk (when I KNOW it's a good idea). I actually had to show up to work sober today :(
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-08 10:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Muah!
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-06-08 09:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A cautious +1 while I try to work out what the fuck this was about.
First I thought babies, then I figured, no.
Then I thought snakes, but that's just silly.
Then I thought, "Moooooo Shit!" and laughed again, like a goof.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-08 09:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh the pain of living life when you're just not funny!