Erase and Rewrite: The Life of Pliny the Chode (999 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: competitions
Rating: 1.53 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-06-08 11:19:51 EDT
I worked with all of my posted poems, in chronological order, taking at least one and at most two lines from each one. Verb tenses and pronouns have been changed for readability. Beyond that I only cheated and changed one word. God have mercy on your soul if you can spot it.
CANTO I: IN WHICH PLINY THE CHODE NARRATES HIS ACTS OF DEBAUCHERY IN THE BATHROOM
Nobody likes an uptight pussy,
And you're really taking this too far,
The stupid birds are stirring, ok?
Which only serves to remind me that you're not eyeing my junk.
My doublet hides a single, roving eye,
My unsheathed knife, my trusted spy,
What the fuck is that burning? Why do I smell brisket?
Why does cock diesel feel like a tasket? a tisket?
It spouted out a fluid, a fluid thick and green
At first I thought it orange juice, from its consistency and sheen
All over your face,
It's a pirate's disgrace
It just makes me constipated,
Like a fat man at a Denny's knee-deep in his third plate of breakfast meats.
This holy fart so proud and ripe a-heaven did it shake,
In hell it rolled the rafters, and earth it did a-quake
I feel the fragrance myself and know it and like it,
The scent would intoxicate my bishop, but I shall not let it;
All over the boquet of your face,
O prostitute! I cover you over with roses and early lilies.
In the bathroom patrons come and go,
Dealing with gastric overflow.
She watched me and trembled and soiled herself
And shudd'ring, began to suck her thumb,
Mentally writing her suicide note
She wondered if anyone'd care if she died.
I must say, I can't wait to have the feel of your metal on my meatus later,
Because, after all, I *am* paying for dinner:
Humble vintages stir inside my cask
Pearlescent wines of my progenators,
One, an ember begging me for blown breath,
One, a purple-lipp'd inferno, raging.
The moist stench of wet cock and vaginal air,
Even the strongest of men would despair
My hair is full of vomit, some not mine!
Sweet mercy, save me from this men's room stall.
Her legs, like a hairline, I spread like preserves
Game, set and match with my one-eyed ace serve,
And though her rolls jiggled when I gave her my love
When she rolled on top it was death from above
-
CANTO II: IN WHICH PLINY THE CHODE REFLECTS ON HIS BATHROOM EXPERIENCE WITH FATHER AQUAMAN, BUT GETS FED UP WITH THE WORLD AND FREAKS OUT
"Bless me, Father, I have sinned - this is my last confession
For no future act of violence could match tonight's transgressions."
"Have a drink," said Aquaman - in green scaly pants and a shirt that resembled a white
Mark Henry unitard,
"Tell me your troubles."
"She ate the poisoned ba-na-na before I started rapin',
And died just as I entered her denying me the taking,
My filthy hands of bone white flesh they ripped her clothes off as if mesh
And soon revealed her body, naked, skin so warm and soft,
Physicist pupils scanned space for black holes
And penos filled with rich Ferengi slime
I spiked it in the water, watched the sparks burst as she twitched
The baffled coppers figured that her sex toy'd merely shorted..."
"Is this the way you treat all of your dear and trusted friends?
You lay their wives atop you while they masturbate all day?"
"I met a girl who sang the blues,
I asked if I could see her boobs,
My corndog - breaded, plump, and fitly fried
Yearned to couple with hairy onion ring,
Fortune had smiled upon me twofold, like siamese twins grinning at a hydrocephalic
lemur at the San Diego zoo."
"Wife run out on you?
How did you come to this? How did you trade
A lifetime of justice for decades of waste?"
"There I was when Pol Pot killed two million poor Cambodians!
There I was when Double Dare was big on Nickelodeon!
Fuckface, Nkd's ex, and y halo thar buttsecks?
One per day! Verse? No way! All these fucking rules are gay!
-
CANTO III: INTERLUDE 1 - FROGGIE WENT A-COURTIN' (TRADITIONAL ASSPLAY)
"I've heard curry really burns
Your asshole it makes tighter,"
The duckling bottomed for the frog
And dealt well with the pain-o,
In the darkened bedroom, all around he saw red eyes
Of turkeys filled with hate and rage, and he began to cry,
And blood dripped like oil from the bottom of a Buick Skylark
From where about half the male clientele of the Black Hills Shopping Centre has stuck
his fist, finger, tongue, pud, or toes,
He jammed his hangdown in her rump and brained her bobbing skull,
Her butt it tightened, pleasure grew, he came and had his full.
What good are the holidays
If everyone can't share it?
-
CANTO IV: IN WHICH PLINY THE CHODE ATTEMPTS TO DEAL WITH HIS SIN, AND MEETS A TRAVELER
He locked himself away and set about his epic task
Accomp'nied by his iPod, Maxim mags and whiskey flask,
Spring, it passed, and summer passed, and quicky ran the fall,
And soon, on winter's doorstep, Wenceslas he heard a call:
"I need a steed" said Trainman Buttsecks to the man in white,
"For I must get to Puddintown and see my wife tonight,"
Thirty piece of silver tosses he, bag
Thrown between his feet, forcing him to knee.
"Seasons greetings from the depths of this here jail!
This concrete land of bar and brick that causes men to wail!
When December with her snowfall, white
The death November brings has hid from sight,
Buttsecks, when the blood came, I'd have sworn I'd start to float
The river, hers, had stained the floors, and for that I am sad,
And thereupon her ankle, ink on skin:
'Apudne te vel me' in cursive thin"
("I wanted her to know how consonants make whoopie," he whispered to herself,
Blushing at his language),
"As I, a roving bee, did taste her buds,
Sweet bouquet! Colon musk potent, well groomed!"
Looking to his cards he spied black aces over eights,
"A dead man's hand" he mused, and cursed the gods, bad luck, and fate,
The Man did covet most that fruit, forbid,
Yet understood the sin in what he did.
-
~ A BRIEF WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR ~
Status quo with all conforming, free thinking, free drinking,
Reasons all for sip or shot, check my picture am I hot?
I drive a car that's quite unique, it's slick just like Scott Boras,
My ride of choice these days: my lovely Ford C.L.I.Taurus™
-
CANTO VI: IN WHICH WE RECEIVE A GLIMPSE OF PLINY THE CHODE'S PAST
There's a time in life when every man must make his stand,
Decide to put his foot down and to draw a line in sand:
Once upon the rocks and crashing waves of Salerno the sirens
Tolled their wicked songs across the distance of the seas -
Malcontent whores with two or three mortgages,
Slutty Swiss chefs with rank smorgasbordgages -
Lived they then for years and years, till ages came and went,
Never growing older, never time in daylight spent,
Nameless children with blood in their eyes
All things may live, all things must die,
For they can do some things your lovers can't do
Seek out eyeless chicks, believe you me.
I have seen the depths of blackened hell
Sucked the thick resemblance of its breath,
From Halifax to Whitehorse, man, I've seen them, loved them all
Bar-hopped in Saskatchewan and shown the girls a ball,
Lighting up my cigarette and easing back in seats,
Running my nimble fingers through my hair,
In the mornings my lovers were gone
Not a trace of their presences found
Because I'm beaten up, beaten down
Praised and cursed, king and clown,
I loved them, truly, though unknown
To me completely, they. In time I will heal,
Rid me of this tyranny - right this crime.
Mine head is puff'd: its throbs a pulsing drum:
My will, my way. The harmony shall not
Be broken again - the choice is hers: rot.
-
CANTO VII: INTERLUDE 2 - TWO MEN THROWING TAUNTS WHILE SLAP-FIGHTING AT THE OPERA
"Wash thine undies more than once a month, k?"
"After you stop drinking vaginal blood."
-
CANTO VIII: IN WHICH WE READ AN ACCOUNT OF ONE OF PLINY THE CHODE'S LOST LOVES
The dance of the courtesan, the paramour's song,
These and more but the prestige of a magic act,
Your money won't be good there, for they take no bill or coinage
Pleasure is their currency, in short,
Baited traps set six moves in advance
Would snare opponents - nothing left to chance.
The memory of the last time he saw her:
Bruises on her skin, deep cuts marring her beauty,
He could not see inside her windows - climbing was too hard
So Corky gave a boost - he was hoisted by his own retard,
The minutes trickled by
Dribbling like sperm from a dead gigolo's eyebrow.
Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
He went pale and started shaking as he watched them piss
All across his lover's smiling face,
Down they fell tumbling and fumbling together
Off went their clothes as they rolled in the night
Well with quick, small hands she cut and diced
Hacked up their shirts, their belts she sliced,
One last hour together while he watches from above.
Will the past absolve him if he turns my hand for love?
This love, his yolk, his heart she has enchained,
He knows her not, and she knows not his name.
-
CANTO IX: INTERLUDE 3 - THE BEAR FUCKER AND THE PIXIE (A FABLE)
Up and down and up again, the streets he walked and paced
Skulls of livestock on his head and paint upon his face
To nature defy-ish and lay an'mals wild-ish
He gets almost high-ish from sex in the woods
Awake he turns his tired eyes
From comfortless and empty skies
To the promise of the ages so foretold
In plain and in part by an angel's tongue,
Cause he's got the blues
Yeah, yeah those fistfuck blues
In the air a fairy took him, death in both her eyes
So he grabbed her by the wings and pulled with all his might
The punishment exclaimed, and in an instant all was fire
The skies swallowed them and they clawed against the flames.
The world will never know about the sex, though oh the sex,
The grateful rocking hips of a contestant before her flight home,
A wet wheeze ripping the night in two. These,
The hopeless drownings of the gutted dead
While warm tears her eyes shed
Then she came, her stumps spread...and, exhausted, she died.
-
CANTO X: IN WHICH PLINY THE CHODE, LATER IN LIFE, IS FOILED BY GOING COMMANDO AND BEFOULING HIMSELF
Leave a man in love long enough and
I will show you the pain of memory:
My son and wife, their trust dried up - to me their hearts were hardened,
And in this fashion I lived out my days, unloved, unpardoned,
Employees, not a one, were wary of my wicked wiles
Though now I bet they wished they'd shown an interest in my plan.
Bound by something greater than bond,
Oath or tether, greater than history or the will of God,
Before the pillars touched with history
I woke to find the world outside alive with deepest red
The burning skies and crimson clouds all honest in their shade,
"A new stretch and span, every inch born from that before it and every passing
Inch connected to that which took its place, ticking on the face of the water,"
I said as I undid the latch of the box,
And pulled out the dynamite, wires and clock,
Like an overanxious Mohel with a pair of rusty garden shears
Clipping off foreskins like overgrown leaves.
Pop.
Oh Shit.
Like ladies in that place in France
I've got no underwear.
-
CANTO XI: IN WHICH WE SEE THE MEETING OF PLINY THE CHODE AND HIS NAMELESS BATHROOM VICTIM
She showed the world her bare vagina
Their eyes fell all upon her as her hand
Was flushed and full, unlike their luckless stacks,
And I called her friend and we joked for a while
And I came away with a different point of view.
From her gaze the dark held no protection.
An instant passed and, with it, too, my life,
She changed and tuned and prepped and prayed
The lights went down, she took the stage.
I almost stepped on little crabs that might have circumsized
My toes if not for drunken walking saving sole and heel,
I kicked the bathroom door down and I found her lying there
Decked in jewels and bangles with a serpent in her hair.
The man toils, buckles, falls and cannot
Come to her assistance, the walls are closed
As are all hearts
As are all mortal hearts.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-14 15:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember O--man, we were so young and Nubile.
</nastalgia>
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-14 15:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and that clearly calls for a linkwhore:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89072
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-14 15:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssh..like hits are some measure of your value as a person or something. *grumbles, has <30K*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-14 15:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, remember when we used to slap fight over having 50K?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-14 14:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
200K?
WTF?!?!?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-14 14:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's why you're a wife, ghola...I dig the older ladies.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-14 14:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy uber thingum.
i didn't know i'd been here longer than you. (two days, yesssss)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We'll go with charminglybeef and Stagger_Lee, darko.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-14 00:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Which two people do you want me to rate?
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-06-13 19:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If nothing else, (no sorry -- Nothing else) this was a happy skip down memory lane.
Damn you've written a lot of poetry. And from reading this, it would appear almost every poem has a reference to a one-eyed somethingerather.
Which of course pleases me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-12 17:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-09 13:47:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
Woo 200K hits!
==
WOO INDEED
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-12 17:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Froggie Went a-Courtin +2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-09 13:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Woo 200K hits!
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-06-09 12:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron you said mine was getting more hits than yours but dear love it's only because people love to bash others and I just give them what they want. It's the beauty of this site!
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-08 23:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's lived a good, long life. Who am I to deny him a bit of this youthful rear?
Good point.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's lived a good, long life. Who am I to deny him a bit of this youthful rear?
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba4523
And Doodies, you wouldn't make a wart on Gasmo's skinny ass
btw
Very territorial about the young man's ass, huh bubbaloon?
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh boy, doodles, and bubbalicious!
The three stooges.
Doodles, I still can't fight with you because you're just too young.
Sorry. I won't.
But grampa munster and the hardest working penis in show business?
Yeah, baby!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If anyone confuses my for the dipshit below, I will castrate them with tooth floss.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and Doodie, .... BOOGER!!!
Where is that from, you young, stupid asshole????
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:13:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
You also reply too much to your reviews.
But they're better than your posts, so keep it up!
________________________________________
When I was a child. Doodie meant SHIT!!!!
And Doodies, you wouldn't make a wart on Gasmo's skinny ass, so why don't
you just shut the fuck up, you stupid dipshit? OK????
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Forgive me for attempting to provide an open line of communication between myself and you, the Consumer.
You know, in case anyone ever actually feels like reading anything into a work they see.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-08 22:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You also reply too much to your reviews.
But they're better than your posts, so keep it up!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-08 21:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please provide a drawing of Pliny.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 21:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-08 19:10:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You try too hard.
Must...keep...giving...+2s...to everyone...regardless...of quality...
mgngngngngngngngngngngngngnggngngngngngnnnahhhhhahhh!!!
---
I try too hard? The point of this 'exercise' of darko's was to create something from previous posts. As I don't have prose to draw from, taking about fifteen words from all of my poems wasn't that big of a deal. And I'd much rather have done it the way I did - zipping through each one and pulling the first two lines that struck my fancy, given the semblance of the story that was unfolding - than pouring over everything, or a handful of what, I've done in order to concoct some tight, meaningful piece.
If anything, I don't try hard enough. It doesn't get much more phoned in than this, seeing as how there's no original material.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-08 20:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:21:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
look, poetry is still gay okay?
it was tolerated briefly, a bit like Electro.
Now go away.
_______________________________________________________
Says the transplanted, steak-eating Texas Brit. Poetry is not gay,
only guys with big heads are gay. Lighten up, Francis.
Gamso, CANTO this!! Whatthefuckeverhappened to Uberbury Tales? Huh???
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-08 19:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You try too hard.
Must...keep...giving...+2s...to everyone...regardless...of quality...
mgngngngngngngngngngngngngnggngngngngngnnnahhhhhahhh!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 16:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Surely you've purchased my hit album of the same name, Jonny Ten.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-08 16:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wouldst thou taste thyself where thy pee, O noble and humble fool...
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-08 15:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wait....wait...I SEE IT!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found the word you changed, of course, I will withold it for everybody else.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-06-08 14:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh. my. word.
this just reeks of effort
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Ethereal."
Fuckbeans.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Etherial +2 for a humblefool sighting.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-06-08 12:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for all the work. Chaucer rolls in his grave.
You changed a an to an and. Right...right....!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the darkened bedroom, all around he saw red eyes
Of turkeys filled with hate and rage, and he began to cry,
And blood dripped like oil from the bottom of a Buick Skylark
From where about half the male clientele of the Black Hills Shopping Centre has stuck
===
Oh dear.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tad long
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I...
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I appreciate silly randomness when I can see the effort that went into it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And the windows.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't leave, dear. Your head keeps blocking the door.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-06-08 11:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
look, poetry is still gay okay?
it was tolerated briefly, a bit like Electro.
Now go away.