The Crystal Part 1 (693 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.42 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <guiness1975.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-06-09 04:09:50 EDT
Men fought for it. Blood was shed over it. Yet those who held it never truly possessed it. It possessed them.
***
Wednesday December 13, 54 BC:
A cold winter sun awoke to see the fields of northern Gaul red with stale blood. A terrible battle had raged the day before and only now were the last of the wounded succumbing to Death's call.
"The last of our men have been collected m'lord", said the young soldier. The armor he wore was flecked with skin and bone that had once belonged to his Averni enemies. His captain gazed at him with a look somewhere between comraderie and pity. "Well done Pliny. See to their horses and then load the weapons and armor." He knew that the greatest of odds were against the boy reaching 25 years of age. The seige of Alesia had taken much longer than any of his superiors could have imagined. Who would've thought the Averni would be so well-supplied and so adept at killing his men? He was becoming anxious over the number of casualties. But of course he didn't regret them. Any sacrifice made by those so loyal and willing was well-pleasing to the gods, and more importantly, the Emperor.
"There's somethin' else you may want to know about m'lord.", Pliny reported. "The men found something..strange."
"What is it?", the captain asked.
"You'd may want to see it for yourself sir."
***
"See the way the light never seems to reflect off the surface sir?" Pliny asked.
Heroditus had examined the artifact for an hour but still had not come to any satisfying conclusions regarding it. "Yes. It's as if this witchcraft pulls in everything that touches it. Even the warmth of my skin is robbed by it." Comments of that nature always made Heroditus' men, especially Pliny, uneasy.
"Witchcraft sir?", Pliny asked with notable anxiety.
"Just an expression, lad. I'm of the belief that it's simply another trade of the Averni that we weren't aware of." The Averni had been shown to be creators of some of the finest metal and jewelry work that the Roman Empire had ever seen.
Unfortunately, for Heroditus and his men, his assumption was incorrect.
Still holding the crystal in his hand, Heroditus became aware of a lone voice in the distance wailing a soft but macabre song. Suddenly, as the song finished, Heroditus noticed a strange sensation in his hands and felt the crystal gain weight to the point of becoming uncomfortably heavy. And as the battle cries of the attacking Averni forces began and the first flaming arrows came falling over the walls, the crystal shone and Heroditus felt as if his head was going to heave open. "Pliny! ..Help me!", he cried, but was struck with horror when he looked and saw Pliny already lying on the floor, face slightly misshapen and a slight trickle of blood coming from his eye.
"He almost made 23", was the last thought that went through his mind.
***
To be continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by Zanatos (user info) at 2006-06-11 20:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
At least I rated your story and gave you some constructive feedback instead of just being vindictive and giving you a negative 2 for no reason.
I was trying to help you improve and spare your feelings, since you're obviously in junior high school. But here's the truth: You're a no-talent hack. Your writing totally sucks, and you're an ashsole.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-09 14:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-06-09 13:55:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
lojope got raped
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wtf douchebag
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-06-09 13:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lojope got raped
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-06-09 13:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for potential
Submitted by eleanor_rigby (user info) at 2006-06-09 11:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not sure why it's rated so low... but I enjoyed it. Something a bit different than what we normally encounter here on Uber.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-09 10:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try again. Don't do part 2.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-09 09:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i have a next part with the main character already but i decided not to include it because with all their background info, it would've been too much for one post. anyway see if you like the next one
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-09 06:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can see the potential though. Oh and for the love of God don't make it a cliche sci-fi thing. Link the crystal to the Gods or something. Not Lord of the Rings style.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-09 06:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Heres how I see it. You can't start a new series with a short story. I have no idea whats going on here becuase what the fuck does the crystal do? I know its an air of suspence you were trying to create, but it was more of a 'What the fuck is going on?", if your going to kill off characters make sure theres one left for us to focus on.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-09 06:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I lied, I read it. meh.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-09 06:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got 4 sentences in and I'm not reading any more. m'lord. bah.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-09 04:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My other posts were shit maybe i'll do better with this one.