The Coincidentally First and Assumedly Last (Date) (1824 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by charminglybeef (View user info) at 2006-06-10 00:14:22 EDT
The restaurant. Filled with that inoffensive but unfashionable decor that seems to attract the elderly and disabled. There are five people within my line of sight, slobbering, moaning, thrashing about in their great equalizers. I am disgusted. Thoroughly. "Nice restaurant," I smile. "One of your favourites you said?"
"Yeah, my mom used to take me here when I was a kid. It's been ages since I've had a Franco's lasagna."
She is cute. Has to be I suppose, otherwise she wouldn't be here. Takes good care of herself, from what I can smell anyways. "Is that Cool Water Frozen you're wearing," I inquire, reminded of the previous girlfriend -- the one who masked her overpowering body odour with buckets of the stuff.
"Yeah, it is!" she exclaims, evidently impressed by my werewolf senses.
"I've never dated a girl who wears it, but I've always loved it. Every time I walked through a department store perfume section it called out to me. I was finally compelled to ask a clerk the name of that ethereal fragrance that captivated me so," I admit bashfully.
She blushes and looks to the table for something to offer her attention. Before the half-compliment can grow stale the waitress appears, an older woman with a boy's haircut and flawless skin. Her apron is filthy and I suddenly notice the plain paper placemat in front of me.
"How are we doing tonight," she asks with the typical false interest.
"Well, if the lady across the table feels anything like she looks, I think we're doing just fine, thank you." I curl my toes instead of farting loudly at that last remark. It was a good one. The waitress nods in approval and my date's face explodes into a radiant and entirely shocking smile. How did I not notice that enormous gap between her front teeth?
"Can I start you with some drinks," asks the waitress. I open my hand in a gentlemanly fashion towards the young woman across the table, who orders a long island iced tea. "I'll have a Budget Orthodontist," I declare innocently.
"Budget Orthodontist? I don't think we have those."
"Oh. In that case I suppose I'll have a rye and seven, but if you wouldn't mind, kindly ask the bartender if he knows a Budget Orthodontist -- I feel I might not make it through the night without one." She nods the solemn nod of a shitty maitre'd in training and wanders back to the kitchen.
I shift my gaze back to the breasts sitting across the table from me. Spectacular. I imagine my dick, covered in her saliva, sliding crudely between them. "So, do you read much?"
"Honestly, not books all that much anymore. I used to love V.C. Andrews. I think I've read every one of her's."
"Spectacular," I declare, "V.C. Andrews is truly the master of incestuous harlotry." The conversation stops for a moment and she moves her eyes from mine to the salt shaker which now spins in her hands. Those last two words clearly confused her. "I'm sorry -- what I meant to say was, it's rare to find a talent like V.c. Andrews -- someone who can take a story about brothers in love and turn it into something that speaks to everyone."
This statement seems to awaken something in her and she lets go of the salt. Staring me deep in the eyes, she confesses: "you know, I used to be in love with my cousin". And after a drawn and sheepish breath she adds, "I've never told anyone that -- let alone anyone I've just met." She laughs. "It's funny, it feels like I know you. I read your column on Skip Divided every week -- sometimes two or three times to get me through the work-day."
Skip Divided. That awful fucking e-rag. It would be better suited as a cum-rag, or perhaps an Indian tampon. "I pour my heart out once a week in there. I didn't think anyone actually read it though," I say with false modesty.
"Oh, lots of people read it!" she drools. "All of my friends read it -- we all wait for it," she adds as the waitress appears, carrying our drinks.
"Long Island for the miss, and a rye and seven for the gentleman. Sorry -- the bartender hasn't heard of a Budget Orthodontist. If you know what's in it, I'm sure we could make it," she offers.
"Oh, no thanks -- I'm sure after a few of these I'll forget all about it!" I joke, holding up my drink. They both laugh, sharing in my solitary fun.
"So, have you two decided on something for dinner?"
We look guiltily across the table, only her genuinely. "Honestly, with company like this I'll never be able to get a proper look at that menu. How about two shots of tequila," I ask, and without allowing a moment for protest I add, "and two shots of jager."
The waitress is dismissed with a nod, and I extend my open hands across the table, palms up. "Let's get drunk," I smile, and she takes my hands. "I meant it -- I'll never be able to get a proper look at that menu with company like you Janice."
"Jaclyn," she interjects.
"That's what I said."
Certainty -- not to be confused with arrogance -- is the key to bullshit.
I flip her hands over and lay them flat on the table. "Have you ever had a palm reading," I inquire, hoping to move to something erotic, and quick. Her eyes glow -- any trace of the apprehension visible at the forfeit of dinner or my misnomer a moment ago at least temporarily forgotten. "Not for ages! Do you know how!?"
"My great grandmother taught me how -- it was the last thing she ever showed me before she died."
"I'm so sorry to hear that!"
"Honestly, don't worry about it. We had a great relationship. She taught me all about spirituality and life. Her passing was just another lesson." I somehow manage to force out a cough over the laughter and excuse myself. I take a long pull of my drink, emptying half the glass. I gesture for her to do the same and she sucks back a third through a thin, black straw.
"Let's see what we have here," I begin, examining the creases of her hand. I furrow my brow as if having discovered something of considerable interest. Picking up on this, she immediately confronts me: "what is it; what do you see?"
"Well, I'm not entirely sure. Just give me a second." Holding the ends of her fingers in one hand, I use my index finger to delicately trace the meaningless contours of her palm. I notice a barely perceptible shiver as I reach the center of her hand. "Yeah, it's funny -- I got that impression the moment I met you."
"What? What!?"
"For starters, all of your lines are deep and strong. You're a strong person. You're a strong-headed person. You're a confident person. But of course, strength of this sort can also be a weakness, and for you it brings both joy and agony."
"Yes, yes!"
"And this line here," I say, caressing the pronounced crease distinguishing the thumb, "is your family line. In you, it is rough and disconnected. If I had to guess, I would say that this observation, coupled with the strength of your lines indicates some strife between you and certain family members, most likely your parents."
"My dad and I don't get along," she admits solemnly. And then: "We haven't spoken in years." I grip her hand tightly between mine and look her deep in the eyes, fighting off the urge to piss down her throat. The waitress saves me or rather, her, by returning with our drinks.
She places them awkwardly in the middle of the table and it occurs to me that not many people drink shots in a place like this. I re-absorb the banal surroundings, and smiling uncomfortably, catch eyes with the elderly fellow to my right with the oxygen tubes in his nose. Raising my tequila to him, I nod and shoot it back. At this, the waitress shuffles away without a word.
"Don't you use salt and lime?"
"Nah, not normally. And I do apologize for doing it without you, it's just that -- don't look now -- that guy to our right with the oxygen, I just felt something in his eyes. That vicarious hopefulness, you know? He saw me with it -- the liquor -- and saw something brilliant of his past that he could no longer have. I think, in a strange way, I have given it back to him."
"Wow. You're so in touch with all of that. The undercurrents -- the things that other people can't feel," she beams.
Somehow, I have disguised my alcoholism as another vein of my intense spirituality. "Undercurrents -- I like that expression." And I really do. But no credit in my mind belongs to her. "Will you still drink that tequila my dear, even without the proper company?"
She answers with a sultry look as she licks slowly at the back of her hand, revealing a shining silver tongue-ring. Eyes narrowed and still fixed upon me, she pours salt on her now-glistening skin. My dick stiffens at the thought of semi-consensual sex.
"Uhh!" she chokes, squinting hard and sucking on the lime. When finally open again her eyes are wet and red and she takes a long gulp of her long island. "How did that treat you," I inquire with a knowing smile.
"Good," she coughs.
"Glad to hear it," and after a momentary pause: "I think I need to use the washroom; be right back." I finish my rye and seven and rise to my feet, enjoying the warm buzzing sensation creeping from my chest outwards.
In the cheap bathroom I do almost everything but relieve myself: blow my nose, pick my nose, pet roughly at my cock, wash my face, wash my hands, and wipe beneath my eyes -- all for the purpose of occupying the time of a man in a washroom who needs neither to wash, nor room. All I really need is for that intoxicated uncertainty to set in on my date. For the tequila to take hold as she sits alone in a cheap restaurant. I know what will happen when I return, and it does:
"I just need to go to the washroom too," she asks more than declares.
"Please," is my chivalrous reply.
Cheeks reddened, her eyes sparkle the odd gaiety of fresh intoxication as she moves unsteadily from the booth. I admire her gorgeous ass as it sways expertly towards the washroom, separated from the open air by nothing more than a few millimeters of elastic denim.
She re-appears quickly, and with new life. "I'm kinda hungry," she admits. "Jager," I suggest. Her response is nothing more than picking up the glass. I do the same and she is about to tilt it earthwards when I stop her with a widening of my eyes. Leaning across the table I interlock our arms, pulling our faces close together. "To future love, as soon or as late as Love designs," I recite, and put the glass to my lips, never losing that critical eye-contact. Her cheeks turn redder still and the sweet concoction slips down our throats.
"Let's get the bill," I decide, "I need some fresh air."
"Me too."
"Tell you what: you go grab the car and I'll take care of this and meet you out front." She smiles uneasily at the suggestion of driving, especially her driving, but stands up and throws her purse over her shoulder anyways. "Are you sure," she asks.
"Don't worry about it -- you're fine to drive."
"No, no -- I meant the bill. I'll pay for half."
"Darling, I insist -- this one is mine. Next time, you can pay,"I say, thinking that if there is a next time, it will be steak and lobster. She smiles back and agrees, picking up her jacket and walking purposefully to the front door. Watching her leave, I motion towards the waitress with the universal sign for 'cheque please', and wait patiently, cheerful in the knowledge of just how easy it shall be to walk out on this bill; disturbed by the knoweldge of how necessary it is.
The waitress returns a short while later with a tray of drinks and slides the bill out of her apron, placing it quickly on the table. She leaves without a word, off to serve an elderly table their tonic water and prune-juice. I slide out a few coins and continue to rummage through my pockets, wondering if my hole-to-fill has made it to the car and back yet. The waitress walks by, her tray empty, and disappears back into the kitchen. With a deep breath I stand up and make my way to the door.
"So where are we headed now," she asks as I settle into the car.
"Let's walk to the video store and get ourselves a movie." Surely she knows what this means.
"Sounds good. Your place?" Her response is quick, the affirmative sliding easily from her liquor-lubed conscience.
"Absolutely," I respond, desperate to give us a destination so we can get moving away from the front of the restaurant.
She begins driving and the moment we've made a right turn I throw my head back and wipe my face with my hand. "Actually, my place is in a bit of a state right now -- renovations and such," I lie. "Perhaps we could do it at your place?"
"I'd love to," she says, and we both smile.
User Reviews
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-19 09:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was tops. I'm looking forward to UM.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-19 03:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only read this 'cause I saw you were highly seeded in UMIV, so evidently somebody thought you were good. Evidently, somebody was right...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very smart man. The girl was easy tho. you could do better.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-09-11 16:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never rated this....
It reminds me somehow of American Psycho.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-13 04:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-21 02:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank O-man
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge, my love -- you probably thought I was condescending and obnoxious because I am condescending and obnoxious.
I must say though: it's admirable to hear someone who doesn't like me acknowledge my enormous and undeniable talent. On that topic, humour me will you? Why did you feel this post to be unworthy of a +2?
Your brother in virtuous ranking,
-charminglybeef
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-16 13:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved the writing but hated your character instantly. He gave off a Ted Bundy-ish vibe. I'd like to read more. More importantly, I'd like to see him get his in the end.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-06-16 13:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-06-16 13:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. The only thing lacking was cheesy porno music in the background. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-16 12:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78668#2018385
This is what we call a backhanded compliment.
Which is something I would expect from you based off of my assessmnet of you on this site. Rest assured, because of your reviews on this place I never liked you either. I found you to be condescending and obnoxious, but I never let it make me assume that you couldn't write well (you can), because the two things are not related.
And who, do tell, have I shamelessly and pathetically flirted with? I'm really at a loss on this one...
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-06-15 00:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too sociopathic for me to say I like, but it's still "good".
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-15 00:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Need to get happy? More travel, perhaps?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89072
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-06-15 00:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-06-14 23:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never been happy.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-14 23:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-06-14 23:18:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I only comment so people will rate my posts.
------
Happy?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are perfectly good answers to those questions, but they'll have
to wait for another night.
-- Homer Simpson
Homers Barbershop Quartet
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-13 12:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-06-13 12:21:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
i usually don't +2 alters but fuck it, this was great.
=======
Alter?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-06-13 12:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Certainty -- not to be confused with arrogance -- is the key to bullshit"
i usually don't +2 alters but fuck it, this was great.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-13 12:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-12 19:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
J-DATE FOR THE GOYIM, I APPROVE
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-06-12 13:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-12 10:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2006-06-12 10:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by pope_ridiculous (user info) at 2006-06-12 03:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My dick stiffens at the thought of semi-consensual sex."
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-11 09:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thoroughly enjoyed this
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-10 19:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good, but the conversation wasn't beleiveable. Very close to a 2.
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-06-10 19:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2006-06-10 18:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like my beef
well done.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-06-10 17:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You, sir, need to write a book.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-10 14:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-06-10 03:25:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:44:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I logged in just to +2 this. Nice.
--
Yeah, what he said. This is the stuff I read ubersite for.
----------
I's a she.
and you are welcome, Mr. Beef.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-06-10 14:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed reading this
Submitted by Brandnamecommercial (user info) at 2006-06-10 13:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliantly executed.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-10 13:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
charminglybeef, along with phallic-cymbals, is one of the best uber names ever
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-06-10 13:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-06-10 13:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by Snalty (user info) at 2006-06-10 12:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Chapter 2?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-10 07:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-06-10 06:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-10 04:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2006-06-10 03:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster. So lazy and surly.
-- Homer Simpson
Radioactive Man
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-06-10 03:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:44:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I logged in just to +2 this. Nice.
--
Yeah, what he said. This is the stuff I read ubersite for.
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-06-10 02:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-06-10 01:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just was reading Bickerstaff, so this had a lot to live up to. You made it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-10 01:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh, it was alright...
Submitted by ChaosTheorySD (user info) at 2006-06-10 01:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Seriously.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-06-10 01:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What an asshole.
Great writing.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks coley...
Sacrilicious, I write lots of stuff on pen and paper, but none of it is really uber material. It takes too long and costs too much to hammer them out in the internet cafes.
Must admit, I do miss it though...
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I logged in just to +2 this. Nice.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Long trip, eh? Well it's great to see you. I just got back from a week away and it was good to sleep in my bed. Could you figure out a way to submit stories in your travels? 'Cause uber could sure fucking use it these days.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Travelling! Just came 'home' to renew my stupid passport.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He saw me with it -- the liquor -- and saw something brilliant of his past that he could no longer have. I think, in a strange way, I have given it back to him."
===
This was wickedly and thoroughly amusing, and is probably the best thing on the front page right now. Where have you been?