I can't teach nobody nothin'. (1851 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.88 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-06-10 10:14:31 EDT
He never had a driver's license in Holland, you see - he never needed one. But here, where it's perfectly normal to drive two or three hours to find a nice spot for a picnic, you need to have a license if you want to get a decent job.
At least, the job he wanted. The job he applied for, and got, on the condition that he get his license in three weeks.
Three weeks. He has all the hand-eye coordination required to not to be able to catch a ball, and I'm supposed to help him get his license in twenty one days... hell, it took ME longer than that and I'm a fucking awesome driver - just naturally, you know? Instinctively awesome. I once forgot how to drive while I was driving - four hours into the trip from Kalgoorlie to Perth I forgot what the steering wheel was for.
"Yeah we're so fucked up, you and me..."
Mostly I'm lucky I'm not dead, but after the last few weeks oh, how I want to be.
"When you stop the car, put it in park, then put on the brake, then turn off the lights and turn off the key. Park, brake, lights, key. P, B, L, K. Pubulk."
"Pubulk?"
"Yeah! It's to help you remember."
"Pubulk."
"It's gonna catch on."
"Don't talk to me anymore, okay? You're not being helpful."
"FUCKING FUCK, MAARTEN, LOOK OUT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"
"What? Jesus christ, you scared me."
"You pulled out in front of that truck!"
"What truck? Stop shouting at me, it makes me nervous."
"Wrong side... wrong side.... honey, love, you're driving on the wrong side of the road."
"..... what side am I supposed to be on, again?"
"The one with no other cars, darling."
"You're a lot calmer today."
"I took some pills..."
"Oh. Really? What kind? No, never mind. As long as it's working."
"I love you so much.... let's pull over and touch each other."
Somehow, he passed the driving test. But, in the words of the Cat in the Hat, "That is not all! Oh, no, that is not all." We need to get twenty-five hours of driving logged into this stupid book - odometer readings, times, traffic conditions, destinations, the works.
Twenty five hours... in five days.
I want to die. It's physically fucking painful to sit in the passenger seat while he drives - I can't shut up. "Go now, go now! Stop! Overtake, no wait, there's a car, what are you doing, it's 80 here, hey look there's a winery let's go there, hey, can we stop for a drink, you're too far to the left, you're too far to the right, you're too slow too fast too cautious too impulsive too anything everything just for the love of god LET ME DRIVE MY CAR I HATE YOU."
So. We need 25 hours. We've been taking road trips to places I find on the state map by pointing with my eyes shut.
I need to start poking my finger closer to home.
To get to Wave Rock from here, you need to drive through miles and miles of fucking nothing. He can wax poetic about the stark and feral beauty of the Australian landscape all he likes; I'll be in the passenger seat flicking stale cheetos at his head from pure boredom.
So, the destination was decided. We dumped the kids with my brother and his wife and left at 4.30 in the afternoon.
Itinerary:
4.30 - midnight: Drive
Midnight - 7am: Sleep in shitty caravan at Wave Rock Caravan Park.
7am - 7.15 am: See Wave Rock
7.15 - drive home.
Complex, no?
Three hours into the trip we were playing I-Spy. I have to tell you, it's an interesting game to play at night in the Wheatbelt. After we'd used "dark", "truck", and "road" we were pretty tapped. So I smiled and said "Let's talk about our relationship."
That went well.
The caravan wasn't too bad, actually. I wanted to get a T-shirt saying "I fucking froze to death at Wave Rock in the middle of the night" but they didn't sell them at the kiosk.
The drive back was equally uneventful.
The final twelve hours of driving are logged, and we're inching ever closer to killing each other and hiding the bodies.
"This road looks too small for two cars," he said, puzzled.
"Oh it's totally too small for two cars."
"What do I do if another car comes along?"
"Drive on the gravel."
"I hate this country."
"Jesus! What was that?!" he screamed, about an hour past Corrigin (another of those shitsplat farming towns that grow along the road like carbuncles.)
"Hmm?"
"Something jumped across in front of the car!"
"Oh, yeah. Shoulda told you there are roos out here. Try not to hit 'em, but don't swerve."
"What if I hit one?"
"Meh. Might fuck up the front end."
"So what do I do?"
"Slow down as fast as is safe. Don't swerve. Lock your wrists and hold the car in a straight line - you might break your wrists but we won't hit a tree and die."
"You're joking, right?"
"Would it make you feel better if I was?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-30 10:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-20 12:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, here's something to read.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-13 12:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-13 12:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-06-13 10:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can send back my book now by the way. That mutation of the book club is well and truly dead. Maybe get the Dutchman and the neighbours to sign it so the inside cover doesn't look so pathetic. It would look weird in secondhand bookshops - Nelson Mandela's autobiography: signed by white Perth housewife we can only assume doesn't actually favour apartheid. Actually you're probably the closest person I know to Nelson Mandela, given your geographical location.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-12 20:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this rock were in American there'd be skateboarders ALL over it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of heat, the damned Heat got blown out last night. Shaq you let me down, you let me down so much.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heat too.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And hits.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more reviews.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awsome pictures.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-12 10:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-06-12 01:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-06-12 00:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I first looked at the pictures taken on the road I found myself wondering why you had pulled over on the shoulder and walked into the lane of on-coming traffic just to take a picture.
Then I realized it was in fucking Australia.
+2 because the Socceroos take on Japan in 8 hours and 23 minutes.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-11 12:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't supposse anyone feels like heating this up?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-11 11:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice enough
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-11 10:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha good luck!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-11 09:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As part of the Australian driving test, one is required to change a tyre, while poisonous snakes are flung at you. True.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-06-11 08:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still want you to clone the Dutchman so I can have one f my very own....
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-06-11 08:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you must be the bravest person I know...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-11 02:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-10 22:07:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm guessing a photo taken from a bad digital camra, in a jeep going at at least 60 mph (I can't change miles into kilometers)
*****************************************
1 mile = 1.6 kilometres.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-10 23:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-10 19:23:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sandstone and feldspar joedaddy eh? Cos It looks almost exactly like granite to me.
***
along with my reading skills, my eyes seem to also be shot to shit
and...it's seems i wasn't even on the correct continent
swing and a miss
strike 3
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-06-10 22:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe - thanks! It was taken through the windscreen at 100 km/h(as was the bottom one. It turned out surprisingly well, actually. The branches look strange because of the speed.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-10 22:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-06-10 22:03:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
That first picture is fantastic. Perfectly captures every highway ever.
Is it a photograph? The branches on the tree on the left kinda look like an oil painting. And there's no reflection or streaks or anything to indicate it was taken through a windscreen.
---
I'm guessing a photo taken from a bad digital camra, in a jeep going at at least 60 mph (I can't change miles into kilometers)
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-06-10 22:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That first picture is fantastic. Perfectly captures every highway ever.
Is it a photograph? The branches on the tree on the left kinda look like an oil painting. And there's no reflection or streaks or anything to indicate it was taken through a windscreen.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-10 21:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Randomly going through your labels Circe, I have deducted that almost everything you write, in a post or review is better than pretty much every thing on this site.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-06-10 20:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-06-10 20:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doodles, there are signs all along the walkway there. After you've looked at the rock for twenty seconds there's nothing to do but read the damn things.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-10 20:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-06-10 20:47:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
It's granite, and it's 2700 million years old. It's eroded that way, and the stripes are caused by water dissolving minerals in the rock in the wet season.
---
So who shoved that particular bit of knowledge down your throat?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-06-10 20:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's granite, and it's 2700 million years old. It's eroded that way, and the stripes are caused by water dissolving minerals in the rock in the wet season.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-06-10 19:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know Mars had roadways. Good to know.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-10 19:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sandstone and feldspar joedaddy eh? Cos It looks almost exactly like granite to me.
I've never seen large scale...streaks liek that though.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-10 19:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
are all of australias tourist attractions rocks?
pretty wierd rock though, looks like its been...dribbled on, like when dirty water overfolws the bath and leaves black trails down the side.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-10 19:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"When you stop the car, put it in park, then put on the brake, then turn off the lights and turn off the key. Park, brake, lights, key. P, B, L, K. Pubulk."
"Pubulk?"
"Yeah! It's to help you remember."
"Pubulk."
"It's gonna catch on."
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-06-10 18:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-06-10 12:43:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Darling, my admiration for you grows ever stronger. Whilst I was learning how to drive, my favorite tactic was to argue with whoever was criticising me. As in,
"DEAR CHRIST YOU ALMOST HIT THAT TRUCK LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING WHEN YOU PULL OUT INTO TRAFFIC!"
"I did not almost hit that truck, and I looked."
"Did not."
"Did too."
*repeat*
----------
I preferred directing my chilish revenge towards the car: pumping the clutch, braking with the handbrake, doing 40 in second gear et cetera
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-10 17:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pictures... Didn't even read this tho.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-10 17:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
o, i almost forgot
the smokes there said it was bad medicine or voodoo to climb on the bitch
so i pee'd on it instead...
but i back-scratched sand over the wet spot with my feet so it's all good
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-10 17:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:20:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
What the deuce caused that rock to form in such a manner?
***
YD, the rock is made of sandstone, feldspar and is magnetic
it's like a piece of cap rock that has been turned, folded and lifted up a bunch of times
if you dug it up it would look like a snake with a length of 1 or 2 miles and a diameter of
a 1/4 to a 1/2 mile
because of erosion(wind/rain/etc) you are only able to see its "head"
***
that's all i remember from my trip to Alice
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-06-10 16:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was supposed to take my test on Thursday. Goddamn battery died in the car park at the test centre.
My husband feels your pain.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-10 16:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you were my mommy sometimes.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-06-10 15:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely told
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-10 14:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Fiery Automobile Fatality Avoidance
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-10 13:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't suppose anyone knows where Stagger has run off to?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-10 13:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more heat and more hits.
Circe needs to learn when to post, so people will actually see her stuff.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-06-10 13:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I love you so much.... let's pull over and touch each other."
_______________________
...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-06-10 12:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Darling, my admiration for you grows ever stronger. Whilst I was learning how to drive, my favorite tactic was to argue with whoever was criticising me. As in,
"DEAR CHRIST YOU ALMOST HIT THAT TRUCK LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING WHEN YOU PULL OUT INTO TRAFFIC!"
"I did not almost hit that truck, and I looked."
"Did not."
"Did too."
*repeat*
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-06-10 12:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mom: "Spill my rum and coke and the driving lesson is over. Go."
Me: "Fuck." (stickshift)
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He should thank God "Pubulk" wasn't on a bumper sticker.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:20:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
What the deuce caused that rock to form in such a manner?
Geology tends to make me snore, so an explanation in two sentences or less would be much appreciated.
___________________________________________
Aliens. . .
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the deuce caused that rock to form in such a manner?
Geology tends to make me snore, so an explanation in two sentences or less would be much appreciated.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife sporadically breaks anything that contains electronic, pneumatic, or hydraullic components.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-06-10 11:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know how you can tell that rock really IS in the middle of nowhere?
No skate punks. Not even a sign that says "no skateboarding". I have a newfound, visceral appreciation for the sheer isolation of western Australia.
Deepest empathy for having to teach the dutchman how to drive. Two things: 1) every time he complains you should remind him how lucky he is not to have to drop the absolutely insane amounts of time, money, and humiliation involved in getting a dutch drivers' license, and 2) just think how much worse it would be if he was a woman!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-06-10 10:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You survived this mission, agent circe, for now. Just remember the boy will need teaching soon enough. Good luck.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-10 10:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Brad's sister was trying to teach me the rules of the road while she was driving me home one time. So involved was our discussion of yeild signs and speed limits that it took 15 minutes for us to realise that the reason the windscreen kept fogging up because the fucking engine was on fire.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-10 10:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my bad
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-10 10:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Any smart person would just make up the driving log to avoid this event. In fact it sounded mundanely like everybody else who has gotten their liscence.
"hell, it took ME longer than that and I'm a fucking awesome driver - just naturally, you know? Instinctively awesome."
But you used awesome twice within a short period of time +2.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-10 10:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay! I love new driver stories! My dad tried to teach my sister and me to drive a stick at around the same time. I picked it up on my second try. She pulled the head off the stick. I immediately winced for all her ex-boyfriends.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-06-10 10:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha earth tsunami!