"I just gotta get a picture of this shit man. I've never seen a fatty shit themselves before!" (687 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.27 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-06-12 11:33:15 EDT
Pushing a Saint Bernard into a pool is only funny until the realization that he's got to ride home with you in an hour hits. It wasn't so funny then. Some little old ladies with New Jersey tags obviously on their way to the Outer Banks stayed next to me on the highway for 15 minutes just waving and taking pictures of the big sloppy mess in the back.
While trying to pretend that they weren't staying half a car length behind me to my right making faces at the dog I got a phone call.
"Hello?"
"Dude, is this Dustin?" the voice asked with a slight Mexican accent.
"Yeah, who's this?"
"It's been fucking years man. It's Luis, remember?"
"Mexican Luis? What are you doing in town?"
"Dude, I'm hangin' out with a bunch of people from school. Why don't you come out and meet us?"
"Where at?"
**Cue Ominous Music, Maestro**
"Gayle's house man. Me, Josh, Stephen and Gary are over here. Come on over dude."
"Dude, I gotta know something first. How did you get this number? Gayle doesn't have it, right? That bitch better not have my fucking number."
"Nah man, I called your Mom and talked to her for awhile and she gave it to me. Trust me man, she doesn't have it."
"Alright, give me an hour or two."
Fuck, it was a conundrum. On one hand, I never wanted to see that bitch Gayle again. She's nuts and used to try everything she could to wedge herself in between any girl I was with and myself. On the other hand, Luis had been in Germany for awhile after Iraq and took a couple of bullets and shrapnel in the legs. I hadn't seen him and the other guys since I was 17. I figured that if he's hanging out of there then he's probably dating her or some shit so maybe he can stifle her craziness.
I pulled up to the house and scoped out the situation. Josh's truck was out front so he really was there and I wasn't being lied to. I wasn't going to assume anything until I saw the guys' faces because that crazy bitch would try anything to get me over there. All four come piling out of the front door and we do the standard hand shakes, "You've fucking changed!", and then shit talking. Amazingly Luis didn't have a limp or anything and even showed a fragment of what they pulled out of him. He kept it on a chain around his neck. Strange, I thought.
"So where's the crazy bitch?" I ask.
"She wanted some McDonald's. She'll be back soon. Look, there's something we've gotta tell you about her......"
"Nah, let's do some shots first." Josh interrupted.
I declined the shots and sucked down a beer instead. Some lights shown through the windows and my regret for being there began to well up again. I chucked the empty bottle in the trash and grabbed another as I watched the other four finish another set of shots and bang their chests. A shadow came up to the screen door and I craned my neck around to see who it was.
"Who's this? You guys order a pizza or something?" I said.
"Dude, that's......."
A short woman in what seemed to be a fat suit came waddling through the door, wiping sweat off of her forehead with one hand and clutching a behemoth of a McDonald's cup in the other.
"Fucking shit." was all that I could say, think, and mutter. "Gayle, what the fuck happened to you? Are you pregnant or something? You gotta gland problem? The fuck?"
She shrugged her little, nay, big shoulders and an extra chin or two appeared in the process. Her arms didn't go all the way down because she was so round. Envision the little brother from A Christmas Story. The shit was sick. What was once a normal looking chick was now a 5'4", 225 lb rolly poley.
One of the guys snickered, "YOU'RE TURNING VIOLET, VIOLET!".
We all laughed our asses off but she didn't get the joke. An hour later and they've gotten her to do one shot and have a large glass of Rum and Sprite. I'm sitting on the couch getting my ass beat in cards when Luis comes into the living room with a look of terror on his face.
"She's fucking puking all over the place dudes. I need some help. She's too fucking heavy for me man."
It took all 5 of us to get her fat ass into the bathroom. Gary grabbed a pillow from the couch and threw it under her head just as she was came flopping down onto the floor from another vomiting session in the toilet. We stood around the bathroom door still catching up from the missed years when she started grunting. Grunting is not a good sign, even if sober.
"Oh no fucking way!" I said, shaking my head.
"What's up?" Luis called from the kitchen, where he was getting her a glass of water.
Gary's gagging, Stephen walked out the front door and Josh and I are just staring at each other. "The bitch just pissed all over herself and the floor. Oh fuck, I think she's actually TRYING to shit now. Oh fuck, this is fucking sick." I said.
My buzz was gone and I was officially done dealing with this bitch. I already didn't want to be there with her around and now she's acting like a stupid drunk, cussing at us and telling us that we're "stupid fools-heads". Absolutely amazing. I wasn't the only about to leave either as the jingling of keys told me.
"Are you alright or what?" Luis asked the drunk, tubby bastard.
"Fuck off and leave you guys! Get out of my fucking house! I'm calling 911 right now. I don't need you guys here to take care of me. I have cats for a reason!" she said, pulling a cell phone out of her shit and piss covered pink sweat pants.
"Fine, bitch. We're fucking gone." Josh said.
We stood in her drive way for another minute talking about how stupid shit got in a very small amount of time.
Just as I was backing up out of the drive way, Luis came running past me towards the house.
"Hey! What are you doing man? Leave that crazy bitch alone!" I called out.
"I just gotta get a picture of this shit man. I've never seen a fatty shit themselves before!"
Now I remember why Luis and I were friends. I'm currently waiting for him to email me the picture.
User Reviews
Submitted by URMY_bitch (user info) at 2006-08-12 10:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-06-13 00:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Goddamn you suck.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2006-06-12 18:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-12 13:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How many alters are on this site again?
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have. And then I saw that fatty (you) wipe his shit all over this website.
Quit your day job.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you just like arguing. Pick a better topic and post on it if that's the case.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:30:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
I must have missed the post where you tell everyone on the internet how great you are and how rich you are and about all the hot chicks you get
----
thats shlongys thing, not mine.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i dont say that because i dont think that. i dont know what age has to do with it but i'm 25. what are you, 30? in that case let me bow down and apologize.
its just that i think this story is lame and you are lame for thinking its cool and participating in it. problem? and you continue to solidify your lameness every time you post/review.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must have missed the post where you tell everyone on the internet how great you are and how rich you are and about all the hot chicks you get. What are you, like 21? 24? Yeah, you're the man and I forgot. Sorry.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get hits, i get to make fun of your pitiful life. its a give and take.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, not the weekend. Just a couple of hours on Saturday night. Camp on my post all you want, Retro, I'm getting hits.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
so you spent the weekend hanging out with 5 dudes and a fat woman who shits herself. I'M JEALOUS!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have shit on her while she was passed out and then taken the picture.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You get a +1 for the picture.
That is all.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've been out of the office this morning at a couple of meetings...did I miss your call or are you just typing shit because you "like the sound of your own voice"?
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 Wlly Wonka, but you actually said this to a girl?
"Gayle, what the fuck happened to you? Are you pregnant or something? You gotta gland problem? The fuck?"
no matter the history, thats just wrong. i hope you embellished that part
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Did you call the dog a "fag", and then start babbling on like some sort of retarded grade school ruffian?
If not, I don't believe a word of it.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahha!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am glad of the computer screen that insulates me from the bleak white trash horror that is your existence.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A glorious display.