Casualties in a War Against Underwear (728 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.89 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-06-12 11:56:38 EDT
I am boycotting underwear. There's no real reason behind this picket line. It's summertime and it's cooler for the guys to feel a bit more of the breeze.
The positive points to not wearing armor far outweigh the detriment. It takes less time to get ready in the morning without having to seek out suitable undergarments. If I want someone to pay attention to my crotch, a swift pelvic thrust makes my unit more visible. When I do it, it looks like that scene from "A Nightmare on Elm Street," when Freddy's face comes through the wall. Don't ask me why my penis looks like a face pressed against the restriction of my khakis. More disturbingly, my penis carries the facial expression of G.W. from my last post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/88894).
There is less to tear off when my girlfriend decides that she wishes to rape me. She is so hot when she rapes me. Oops, off topic.
A man's drawers serve as a buffer layer between his pants and the elements. Now any man that has had sex with a yellow hole in the snow can tell you that it's no substitute for the real deal. It's cold and uninviting and snow never returns your phone calls, even if it says that it will. A cold pair of nuts and a wiener is an unhappy pair of nuts and a wiener. Shit, they hide when it's cold. I for one don't want to employ the services of a treasure map to jerk off.
Not only a buffer against the elements, underwear is a barrier against unintentional messiness. First of which, being overflow. Dabbing the tip with shit-tickets just never suffices. The tap is turned off by time. The moment that you dab the tip, another drip hits the tip, and then you're all like, "Oh shit." I'm done.
But while wearing clothes that are lighter in color, the dark patches of dampness are evident to others. I use the, "oh, I must have gotten water on my pants whilst washing my hands, silly me." They know that it's piss. I know that it's piss. The real problem is that I get piss on my pants. That pisses me on. I ought to just buy a hose clamp. Or a rubber stopper. Maybe I'll try this:
Asshole Nosey Person: "Hey, is that piss on your pants?!"
Me: "No, it's either semen or puss. I just don't have time to check."
That'll learn 'em. I hope it grosses them out too.
Darker colored clothes do not experience this problem, or the other problem. The other problem is this:
Consistently, I am a meticulous wiper. Sometimes I wipe until my asshole hurts, for fear of skidmarks. Skidmarks just happen sometimes regardless of how anal you are about wiping. You like that? You're only kidding yourself if you say that you don't.
Skidmarks in my underpants never seemed to get me down. Skidmarks in your drawers are a symbol of manhood, personifying a man's journey from the hairless asshole of his youth to the Amazonian rainforest hair jungle of adulthood.
It's just that skidmarks in my PANTS do NOT bide well with me. It kind of feels like it's a sin. It hasn't happened yet, but I feel that when it does I will be obligated to go to a Confessional to ask forgiveness. We supposed Catholics think that everything is a sin.
Five Hail Mary's and wipe your ass better next time.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-06-13 22:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pus and semen make a good dip.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-06-12 19:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
when I was little (maybe 4 or 5)
my dad told me that if I didn't wipe after each time
"it" would fall off....
not exactly sure which "it" he was referring to...
I was terrified!!
remembering all the times I hadn't wiped!!
I NEVER failed to wipe after that!!
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-12 16:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-06-12 14:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
exercise extra caution when zipping up
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-06-12 13:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:29:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
I bet you wear clothes after sniffing them and deciding "it's not that bad". You where raised poorly.
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I definitely do that with my shirts. Not me undies, just my shirts.
meh, post made me laugh.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-12 13:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I don't wear underwear, the chum-balls roll out on top of my tennis shoes and I squish them flat
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And how dare you make implications as to the way that I was raised?! I'll have you know that I was never raised at all. I merely came into being.
You had your first love stolen from you by a man that was free-balling, didn't you?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My balls don't sweat as bad when I'm not wearing drawers.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty,
I don't wash clothes. When they're soiled, I merely purchase new ones. Why are you so angry? I thought that you British were supposed to be cheeky or something.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
makes it easier to stand there and wiggle your hips back and forth to air your balls out doesn't it?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:16:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm all for most guys not wearing underwear. only young guys though. it's kinda cool when you can see the outline.
plus sometimes if you stare and they catch you and you smile at them they have to then cover up the front of their pants for fear of the outline moving on its own.
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If I caught a broad staring, I'd do it on purpose then.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I bet you wear clothes after sniffing them and deciding "it's not that bad". You where raised poorly.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
feel free to be who you ARE.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is nothing wrong with free-balling. Tom Petty wrote a song about it.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't be so suburban. Try it out. Unless you were molested by a man not wearing drawers. Then, I recommend wearing underwear and also seeking counseling.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You don't get skidmarks if you clean your ass regularly...
Submitted by zoot124 (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for rape.
-1 for free balling.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, you don't wear underpants. It's like you live on the streets or are unable to dress yourself properly. It's not a good thing in any way.
Sort it out mate.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm all for most guys not wearing underwear. only young guys though. it's kinda cool when you can see the outline.
plus sometimes if you stare and they catch you and you smile at them they have to then cover up the front of their pants for fear of the outline moving on its own.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:08:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
You don't wear underwear? That's repulsive! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have no self respect?
Your girl could do better. I am actually appalled.
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I have zero self-respect. I used to think that I was an ostrich.
But your opinion of me is no matter; you're only British, right?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You don't wear underwear? That's repulsive! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have no self respect?
Your girl could do better. I am actually appalled.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-12 12:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to hold off a while for posting, but you may have just convinced me to tell my story of when I shit myself this past friday.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-12 11:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Parts were amusing, parts were kind of stupid.
I too like a good thorough raping.