Closed Eye Judgement (348 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: Poetry
Rating: 0.7 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2006-06-13 06:53:45 EDT
Close your eyes please stare no more,
Ugly as I feel I am,
Open up please swallow me floor,
I cannot stand your gaze
You do not know how they look
Eyes forever open
Eyes streaming at me like a brook
People close your eyes
Judgement, judgement everywhere
And not a drop to drink
Liars' lies who say they care
Close your eyes you're blind
My skin is death my soul tortured
You cannot know
Dear beautiful friend how fortunate
But close your eyes
Don't touch me or you're next
I cannot save you now
My skin is death and you are hexed
I will close your eyes
Judgement freely given and passed
On those we do not know
I will judge you swift and fast
You must close your eyes
Cry no more please dear friend
I am here to help
One quick snap and one slight bend
Your eyes forever closed.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-05 09:54:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to rate every one of your posts with a +2 without reading them.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-13 10:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Completely agree with you. Damnit we need an 'emphasise', 'atmosphere' and 'emotion' button on the keyboard.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-13 10:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm the same way in that aside from maybe three or four pieces here I just tend to write them through in an hour or less (depending on the length), so I completely know where you're coming from. The trouble with rhymeless, atmospheric poetry - here, anyway, but somewhat in general as well - is that as the writer you totally know how it should be read, where the shifts are, what you're pointing towards, etc. The reader may just read each line bam-bam-bam-bam without giving a lot of attention to the subtleties or pauses you expect from/in each line. Something like this might be better read aloud, or hammered out a bit more so that the audience 'gets' everything you want them to.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-13 10:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-13 09:57:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
I could dig the overall sentiment, but this was hard to stick with because of the change in beats per line. It's as if you used the shell of a structure but didn't keep the meat. Some of the word choices were a little strange - hexed, "swallow me floor," and brook just didn't seem like they fit, you know? - but beyond that this was enjoyable.
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I appreciate the good review.
I read a shit load of am poetry recently and got so fucking fed up with two things.
1. Rhyming. Every line does not need to rhyme ( i know that line does, but you get the idea)
2. This plodding structure that seems to be making itself far more apparent. Thought I would try something a bit slower and more macabre.
Not really sure if it worked. I think I rush alot of my work, and if I slowed down and took a step back then it wouldbe better. Every single one of my pieces is written in less that half an hour, and the only place it is saved is on Uber site.
If I planned better I might be able to start getting better reviews, but then when I do plan work, I get shit reviews becuase it either gets to formulaic or 'wannabe'.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-13 09:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could dig the overall sentiment, but this was hard to stick with because of the change in beats per line. It's as if you used the shell of a structure but didn't keep the meat. Some of the word choices were a little strange - hexed, "swallow me floor," and brook just didn't seem like they fit, you know? - but beyond that this was enjoyable.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-13 09:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-13 09:42:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
where did that pic come from?
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I googled it to be honest and I just thought it looked awesome. I think I searched under images for 'closed eyes'. It was either this picture or the one in the top right titled 'drawing 1'
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-13 09:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where did that pic come from?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-13 08:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-06-13 07:43:34 (#)
Ranking: -1
Is it difficult to be so unhappy? Seems like it would be.
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Oh dear. Once again another misguided statement. Unfortunatley it is not about me. Mainly becuase I don't kill people etc. This poem is simply about someone (or a 'character' if you will) who is unhappy with the judgemental views of others around her.
I read your post and I didn't enjoy it. It would have been a -2 from me, but I did not want you to think I was bitter, so I just let you have the hit instead. It was once probably because it was somewhat egocentrical (sp?) and even a little self indulgent. I will however credit you with the way in which it was written, and I respect the fact that you FINALLY wrote something of value. For that, I applaud you.
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-06-13 07:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Is it difficult to be so unhappy? Seems like it would be.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-06-13 07:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone told me once
that there's a right and wrong,
and that punishment
would come to those
who dare to cross the line.
But it must not be true
for jerk-offs like you.
Maybe it takes longer to catch a total asshole.
but I'm tired of waiting.
Maybe it's just bullshit and I should play GOD,
and shoot you myself.