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Americans With No Abilities Act Debated By Congress (456 hits)

Category: General

Rating: -1.66 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by Quartermain (View user info) at 2006-06-13 13:43:31 EDT

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer (D-CA). "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retails sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%), The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilites Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy(D-MA), "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Speaking of being incompetent and irrelevant, United Nations Day is approaching once again. I plan to celebrate it by being completely useless and ineffective and getting someone else to pay for it. But, hey, at least I'm not trading starving children food for sex.

unhq.jpg (31 kB)

User Reviews

Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Rad, you've been duped

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-14 06:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

notbad

Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Please remove yourself from the gene pool

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I'm done.

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

One more

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Co Nomment

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

never return to Uber ever again

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I think this will get heat

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

heat?

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

suck

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I'm up at like 6 AM, to check this nigga
He work the nightshift, and I gots to check them figures
Knock on his door, peoples talkin bout, "He ain't there,"
but the house is packed, shit I know he here somewhere
See money get high, I don't knock what a nigga do to get by
Just make sure you gettin by don't FUCK with you gettin mine
Ain't the first time he ran off, shoulda split his shit then
Hate to think of what he's did and if I catch him slippin
won't be an ass-whippin, I can tell you that
I keep it real with this cat, he go and sell two packs
and run off (damn) tell me, he was locked down, up North
and you out a week later? That's bullshit!
I bust off, I need this dough
Fuck you think I'm here for my health?
I need this wealth, because I feed myself
You play with my life, when you play with my money
Playin around but this'll be the last time you think somethin's funny

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Ann Coulter raped Lojope, pass it on

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

system of an up

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

downsystem

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

emo

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

-2WHY?

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 17:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

-2DIE

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

DERP

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

wooooops

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

-2side

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

everwrosuy

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

axolotl

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

poiuyt

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

qwerty

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

kjhgfdsa

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

fdsa

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

shoot yourself

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

WORST EVER

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

r

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

v

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

e

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

t

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

s

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

o

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

w

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

kyfkuyfk

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

ydjrtyd

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

gdsagsagsd

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

dsafsa

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

No Comment

Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-06-13 15:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Oh man. Thanks for saving me the trouble of going to two different websites. Now I can read The Onion on Uber!

Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-06-13 15:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1

Grundlemuncher

Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-13 14:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Turns out that personal responsibility doesn't quite extend to plagiarism?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83646

Why this, why pull this out of what is to cyberspace pre-history and resurrect it as though it were your own? There are thousands of things out there that are funnier, more though provoking, interesting even so why this one?

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

I made that up just now. I'm thinking of turning it into some kind of speech or perhaps legal document.

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-13 14:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

You deserve 10 more of these at the bare minimum.

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 14:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Well, I'm back, and I see your post was TAKEN OFF THE FRONT PAGE.

Nice going. Too bad it won't get more -2s.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-13 14:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

*drops my -2 in the bucket and has a fabulous day*

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-13 14:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Thanks for that brilliant return.

Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Auto -2 Plagiarism

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

No Comment

Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I cut and paste this -2 FUCKER

highlight
ctrl c
ctrl v
submit

Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

NO

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I hope you're castrated by a rampaging bull's horns.

Anyway, I must leave. Enjoy your ass-ramming, scumbag.

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I knew this was plagiarized from the Onion without even reading it.

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:48:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

hahahahahahahahaha

busted out in under 3 minutes

now that is funny, like shitting your pants in church funny

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act
June 24, 1998 | Issue 33•24

WASHINGTON, DC—On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

Enlarge Image

President Clinton signs the Americans With No Abilities Act into law.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans—through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Holy shit, dude GUESS WHAT? This post of yours was so unbelievably funny that a bunch of other websites stole it off of Uber - JUST NOW - and posted it as their own!!! No kidding!! This is SO much better than getting a post on B@W! Congrats!!!

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 13:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Plagiarism from The Onion.