The Uberia Wars - Mobilization (547 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.45 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2006-06-14 09:01:19 EDT
"Sir, sir Fungah."
"What is it!?" I yelled, pulling my head from the bowl of Grolsch that was serving as my morning Breakfast.
"Shlongystan, it is a shadow that is rising on the above-world-" As my minion, and son, Cricketus Imperatus II said this, my royal court was momentarily awoken from drug induced and temporary coma.
"Gasp!" They all cried out in unison before succumbing again to the effects of their steady diet of alcohol, hallucinogens and opiates.
"Then we shall rise to the aid of those who are threatened!" I boldly cried, lifting myself from the throne and quickly falling on my face on the rich marble floor of my throne room.
"Fuck" I said. "What of our allies in the above world-" Another gasp "How long has it been since I have spoken to any of them?"
"Well sire" Said cricketus, pulling at his shirt collar and rubbing his legs nervously together, playing one of Beethoven's symphonies, "You see, you don't actually HAVE any allies up there."
"Blasphemer!" I cried from the floor.
"Well, sir, your: 'Go up to the surface and make allies using the magic of showtunes' plan seems to make more enemies than friends.I mean, you've DECLARED yourself allies with people before, but that's usually proceeded by" Cricketus cleared his throat "Well, by things like the rotting meat incident of Gholaton last year"
"ah yes. Remember this, nothing cements an alliance like sixteen dump trucks fulled of spoiled schnitzel. How much did they shit again Cricketus?."
"This much" He said spreading his... claws? Wide.
"Ha! Ha! Oink!" I trumpeted.
"Very well!" I said lifting myself from the floor "Here is what you will do. Firstly - you shall bring me my wife"
"Your wife sir?"
"Yes"
"You mean that giant cookie headed thing?"
"yes, yes whatever. Then... uhh... deliver ten freshly killed Yaks and a metric tonne of spoiled sauerkraut to the kingdom of Awesomeface as a token of my good will."
"Very well sire."
"Oh, and, tonight, assemble my army Cricketus! Throw open the gates of Fungahzan's many insane asylums, and let the plebs fornicate in the streets."
"Very well sir."
"And, let it be decreed" I said, sitting back down in my throne, shaped like Morgan Freeman's head. "That all those who call themselves my subjects shall be granted unto them threescore quarts of vodka, and we shall call this day from this day forward: Tubular awesome party day: part six. FOR ON THIS DAY CRICKETUS, WAR WILL BE JOINED, AND MY LEGIONS WILL POUR FORTH FROM THE EARTH LIKE-"
I promptly passed out.
"Uh, sir?" Cricketus was poking me. I promptly vomited.
"WHO DARES DISTURB THE MOST DIGNIFIED RULER OF FUNGAHZAN, APPOINTED BY DIVINE RIGHT BY THE GIANT CRACKER HIMSELF - Oh it's you Cricketus"
"We also got this - from a messenger."
He produced from the folds of his tuxedo dealy a plunger. It glimmered faintly in the torchlight of my subterranean throne room. It was intricate as if braided from pure, luminous sunlight. A tear came to my eye as I saw this, for this was the horn of a noble, and mythical beast, one of whom many of Fungahzan's bards had spent many a lonely night composing lays and odes to.
"There shall be no rejoicing this night" I said, clutching the plunger in hand. "Tonight will be spent in mourning. Extinguish all light in the kingdom. Tomorrow, at the break of dawn, we march forth, to the surface. Drain the armouries. Strip the farms of all that we can bring. We are the whirlwind Cricketus. War will be joined."
"Aye aye sire" Said Cricketus, a note of fear creeping into his voice.
"And it will be bloody."
Cricketus bowed and walked away, as I sat there in the darkness, clutching that plunger.
"War, will, be had"
User Reviews
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-14 21:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:00:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
MUCH better written than the first one.
This could possibly turn out to be something like 'After the Pandemenic'
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Arghhh go fuck yerself
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-06-14 20:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE FUNGAH
the insectile children are swarming
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-06-14 15:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't really consider this a part two, it's more like, my own contribution to what hopefully will be part two, a side story of sorts, the mobilization of my kingdom.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-14 15:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but I wanted to be IN IT!
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-06-14 15:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-06-14 09:43:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
Wasn't JohnnyX going to write Part 2?
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Beats me.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i am not amused
it was just excessively corny
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah
totally bosh
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know of a country that's free from such trivial things as war and politics: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83731
The uberversary linkwhore train just keeps a-rollin'...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
weet
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MUCH better written than the first one.
This could possibly turn out to be something like 'After the Pandemenic'
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-14 09:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
We need to get a better system of handing out sections to people...hopefully JonnyX won't have to rewrite much because of this.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-14 09:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Supremacist.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-06-14 09:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
'twas alright.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-06-14 09:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wasn't JohnnyX going to write Part 2?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-14 09:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
giant cookie headed thing...ha.