My days are numbered (1197 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.65 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sassmasterr (View user info) at 2006-06-14 10:01:06 EDT
After my techie job screwed me over by cutting my hours, I got work at a medical staffing company near my house. Things went well for the first month and I excelled in every task I was given. By the middle of April, I had whipped that place into shape and my boss loved me for it.
Because I did so well in every other area, he put me in charge of the medical billing (for Medicaid/Medicare) and I gladly accepted the responsibility. In the first week, I became the fastest, most efficient person in the department. I kicked all the old women's ass(es?), mostly because of my knowledge of the the copy/paste functions...old people - they'll never learn.
Being a lazy person helps me in a few areas, I can quickly find the easiest M.O. to complete a given task. The less work I have to do, the happier I am. The more I worked with our billing program ("Zipbill" - made by "The Consult Inc."), the more I realized how inefficient it was. I complained day and night to my boss how this program would cost him countless amounts of wasted time and money. This went on for the next month or so (up to the last few weeks) until I took it upon myself to fix this problem. Surely my boss would reward me for my hard work and dedication, right?
Well, I finally fixed it and I was proud to present the solution to my boss. He was very happy and I was sure that I'd receive my reward by the end of the week (last week).
The bossman called me into his office...
Boss: Have a seat, David. I called you in here to thank you for efforts in the Zipbill program.
Nevermind, I forget how the rest of the conversation went.
I convinced my boss to switch over to an another program that would eliminate any input on our end of the process. It would be completely automated and we would have nothing to do with it. It would cost more money, but less money than it took to staff these people to input data all day.
Here's the catch - everyone else in the department has other things to do but that data input was my only job...with that job removed...I became...expendable.
Shit. I streamlined my own job.
<cue old guy from Home Alone>
LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YA LITTLE JERK!
Shit.
I have a kid on the way, and in a month, I'm out of work.
I could go back to Taco Bell - maybe they need a night manager.
Oh yeah, the Da Vinci Code is not worth $7.75, even if you have the whole room to yourself (and your ladyfriend).
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-24 18:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
update?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-06-14 19:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:15:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am sorry. Why are you not in school?
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kid on the way, struggling just to make rent...
there's a thousand reasons why not. for now, i'm just going to try to get A+ certified...
one step at a time.
also, i heard that i can financial assistance for college if i'm a single father, but i have to convince my woman to give me full custody of our kid...no easy task there.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-14 17:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please exchange this +2 for a WIC voucher to get some bread and milk.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-14 16:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks but I hope it taught you a lesson. Keep your mouth shut, never try to help the company you work for, and never do more than you have to. You don't benefit from putting in the extra effort and they may fuck you over in the long run anyway.
I'm a model employee and I don't give a shit about my job.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-14 14:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for a Sassy camwhore.
You should definitely go to the small business assistance department of your state's website and get in touch with an assistance consultant. Make sure you are extremely pleasant to him, because he has the knowledge to make starting a small business simple.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-14 13:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A breath of fresh air in the stinking miasma comprised by today's posts.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:06:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
I think what you have done is transformed yourself from a "data enterer" to a "Billing Software Efficiency Consultant" at ten times the hourly rate. That's what I think.
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Leave key points out of the instructional procedure for maintaining this system you've set up, and ensure nothing is annotated before you leave.
When they call you and say it's gone ape shit and their productivity is down, tell them your consultancy fee.
It's called covering your back.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
why don't you consider being a "mannie". it's all the rage.
then you could stay home with your own child.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
burn
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could always try your hand at this if you get a job that leaves you with lot of free time on your hands: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85777
Oh goddamn I loves me some uberversary linkwhoreage!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-06-14 12:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am sorry. Why are you not in school?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
c) but if you're really serious about becoming a consultant for this sort of thing, it's pretty easy. come up with a sweet title: "Sassmaster Incorporated: Process Simplification Consultant: We Save You Money" or something. get a sweet, very detailed ad in the yellow pages. stay on great terms with your future ex-boss, so that he'll be a sweet reference. get hired. do a good job. make a fuckload of money.
what's absolutely bullshit is going to work for another consulting company. why? your job is going to be looking at a situation and finding a way to make it go cheaper/faster. what's the point of having someone else collect 75% of your earnings? you don't need an office, you don't need a management structure. all you need is you and the knowledge you have.
as your own consultant, you can make $100/hour. starting out. if you do well. working for a consultant company, they'll bill at $200/hour, and you'll get $20/hour. the only benefit is that they have a built in client base. one of which you can easily grow on your own.
so to summarize: being sweet at something + yellow page ad + web site = $$$$$
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a) how big is the company? if it's a tiny office with 10 people in it, you're probably fucked with your current job. but if there's a big company behind the tiny office, you're money. here's why:
b) most medium to large sized companies with ethics standards policies, have a policy on this sort of thing...look into it. if you save the company X dollars, the company will give you a bonus of Y% of X. you saved the company your salary, plus a percetnage of all the old fart's salaries, because they don't have to do something any more. what's right is to give you a percentage of the money saved. your boss knows this. if he's not acting on it, go over his head.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outsmart them. Play the game better. Either create another issue for you to streamline or suggest that you need to manage the auto system in order for it to continue it's efficiency and develop as a knowledge management tool. Further to this, you seem like an energetic guy that has a good attitude, so don't worry.
Submitted by BigD (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a good site is soyouwanna.com it has a whole article on how to become a consultant. I'm 21 myself and I look possibly 16. You can get books on the topic as well. The main thing you have to do is find a consulting firm and ace the job interview. They look for creative people who have a knack for solving problems in unique ways. In a way its kind of a "think tank" job. I am hoping to get into it myself. Good luck.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my original plan was to get some things in Zipbill automated. it would make my job 25% - 50% easier - allowing me to do more (which means more direct income for the company)
i figured that he'd remember this effort when promotions/raises came around.
dammit.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And don't forget, the military will take any ol' douchebag and give them housing.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-14 11:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was always taught that at work I should keep my head down. It won't get cut off that way. Apparently no one ever told you about that. I mean, being a good employee and being a person that automates things in order to do very little work is two different things. It's like you were acting like a consultant or some shit and we all know consultants have sunset contracts.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BigD (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:44:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sure your boss can find some other use for you, or maybe you should become a consultant or start your own consulting firm, it sounds like you have the talent, companies will pay big bucks to find somone who can save them time and money.
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well, i'm 23 (I look like I'm 18) with no experience in that field.
where would i begin to get started in that kind of thing? i honestly have no idea but it sounds interesting.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:24:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did the bossman already tell you that you're gone? See if he could find/create you a new job, I mean hell if you saved the company money then that would be hte least he could do.
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I have a month or so until the new system takes effect. He feels awful about it but that's not paying my bills. He said he could scrounge up about 15-20 hrs/week of work for me but that won't cut it.
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Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:43:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you do a little forensic freelancing?
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nowhere near enough experience...i'm still working on getting A+ certified - which is still a ways off.
Submitted by BigD (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sure your boss can find some other use for you, or maybe you should become a consultant or start your own consulting firm, it sounds like you have the talent, companies will pay big bucks to find somone who can save them time and money.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you do a little forensic freelancing?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever seen Office Space....you need a virus.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No loss.
The rest of the office staff hated you anyway.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great pic.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did the bossman already tell you that you're gone? See if he could find/create you a new job, I mean hell if you saved the company money then that would be hte least he could do.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Self-inflicted outsourcing auto +2
Good luck.
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm a people person God Dammit! What the Hell is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:08:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
I want to fornicate with your ears.
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will do.
$2.99/minute
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh hey Bob. Bob."
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I want to fornicate with your ears.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
outside consultants?
like the "Bobs" from Office Space?
neato
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I HAD TO PAY 9.50 TO SEE DA VINCI.
I AGREE WITH TEEPHAPH. YOUR LIFE SUCKS
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think what you have done is transformed yourself from a "data enterer" to a "Billing Software Efficiency Consultant" at ten times the hourly rate. That's what I think.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. Your life sucks.
I'm sorry.
Have a +2.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-06-14 10:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weezer t's + jack black = world domination