BREAKING NEWS - Gay Pro-Life Rally Ends in Violent Riot and Missing Immigrant (789 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.88 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2006-06-16 14:33:29 EDT
<with special guest reporter, Shlongy>
"Good afternoon. I'm Silver J. Wolf. Thank you for joining our broadcast.
"Welch, West Virginia, quiet community of 308 people was shaken to its core Friday when a riot broke out as an anti-abortion rally adjourned for lunch. Planned Parenthood, the village's largest employer, was ransacked and razed in the unrest.
"Early Friday morning, a large crowd of 11 people gathered on the freshly poured sidewalk in front of the Planned Parenthood building. Having given up on several previous attempts at organizing a rally, the group, FAWRGWTWBTEI [Fuck Abortion, Welfare Rats Get What They Want Because They Earned It], collected the full force of their ten members to protest the new sidewalk. The 11th member, an illegal Guatemalan hippy immigrant the group found smoking pot by a culvert is still missing and presumed dead following the violence. Ophelia Kunt, a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood stated she had no idea what the group against the sidewalk."
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"We don't even know what caused this recent outrage. It's always something new with them. They protest every November because the sun sets over our facility on the horizon. Yet, every single year they act like it's a brand new hot-button topic. We can't change the rotation of the earth, people! Personally, and off the record, I think they're a little light in the pants, if you know what I mean."
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"While breaking for lunch, a disagreement over eating Bologna sandwiches or going to Taco Bell escalated into a fistfight when someone called the immigrant hippy a "beaner". Elroy Sweetwater, 43, struck the hippy with a rock after he politely protested Mr. Sweetwater's toothless guffawing upon overhearing the derogatory term. When three members of the group rushed to the immigrant's defense and a full-fledged brawl erupted, the Guatemalan native found a tree and sat down to roll a spliff. He hasn't been seen since.
"The West Virginia National Guard was deployed to quell the situation, but got lost on the way there. The FBI is investigating.
"Further details are developing at this point. For more: we go live to our special guest correspondent, Shlongy:
"Shlongy, what have you learned on the scene?"
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"Well, dipshit, I've learned that this entire town should be euthanised. In my extensive investigations (I said 'How's it going?') I've discovered that 305 of the people in this village are in fact blood relatives, and the other 3 are adopted from the next town over. The 3 have agreed to mitochondrial DNA testing to see if they're also, in fact, blood related to the rest of the town. My money's on 'yes'."
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"Interesting, and what else have you learned?"
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"Homos... They're all a bunch of 'mos."
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"I see. Is that smoldering outhouse in the background part of the chaos from today?"
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"Uh, no, that's the Planned Parenthood building."
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"Are you sure? I swear we can see a crescent moon on-camera cut out of that door still smoking to your left."
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"Look, jackass, I know how to do my job. I'm not a fucking amateur here. That is the Planned Parenthood building, not a damned outhou- Wait, I'm getting an update here... Ok, yes, that is in fact both Planned Parenthood and the community's only outhouse.
"No one in this town would agree to an on-camera interview, citing concerns that 'them thar vidya camries steals ya soul.' I called them fags and they politely disagreed.
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"Fascinating... Thanks for your spot-on reporting, as always, Shlongy. We'll be right ba-"
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"Whoa there, skippy. Did I pause as if to say, 'Take over while I catch my breath'? I don't believe I did. I tell YOU when to take it away, tardo. Now shut up and sip your latte while I finish my segment."
"The sidewalk, the only one of its kind in this once-peaceful town, did not return my calls for comment, so I suspect he's gay, too. However, he did issue a press release:"
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"You fucking people are nuts. Why the hell are you fighting over me when they're killing babies forty feet away? And you're fighting yourselves, you goddamned troglodytes! Oh wait. You were fighting the hippy? Christ, I'm going to play golf. Thank you."
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"You know what? Screw this, screw this job, and screw you! This is the last time I feature in one of your posts, wee-tard. You haven't even mentioned how insanely wealthy I am. I'm hitting the links, shitbrick. I wonder if the sidewalk wants to get in on a foursome. And don't you even think about trying to queer up the term 'foursome', Silver, you fairy asshat."
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"Thank you, Shlongy. As always, we enjoy having you onboard. We'll have more on this and a performance by Squiggles, the waterskiing lemur, on our 11:00 broadcast. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming here on WUBR."
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-25 13:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOW did I miss this?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-06-18 22:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-06-16 18:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:12:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
But his content was actually original.
I just ripped off some dead white(-ish, does Greek count as white?) guy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They were so lily white that even the Romans kicked their asses.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-16 18:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yessss... this is going splendidly now.
Lemme see: I've covered camwhore, virgin, teen, titty, sex, fuck, pro-life, gay and immigrant - all in two titles. That ensures the hits will roll in from google. Next perhaps, I shall tackle some kind of controversy (I'll create one, if necessary) and linkwhoring. I might even toss a bit of trolling in there, as well.
If needed, I'll dig up IHAKF's Holy Grail post and Razor's tutorial and combine all their tactics into one post, creating something so asskissingly fantastico that it may very well tear a hole in the fabric of space. That should create a micro-singularity as the awesomeness of the post collapses in upon itself. Theoretically, it should start generating hits on it's own and an inescapable gravity vortex that will draw in unsuspecting hits from neighboring systems. It's all coming together now.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-16 17:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-06-16 16:32:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:12:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
But his content was actually original.
I just ripped off some dead white(-ish, does Greek count as white?) guy.
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Speaking as a Greek. Yea. We're white.
_________________________________________________________
Well sure. But what the fuck would you EXPECT a fucking GREEK to say?
"Uh, no, we're more of a beige. Maybe a taupe. Kind of off-white."
Your opinion on this does not count Therasmacus.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-06-16 17:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The West Virginia National Guard was deployed to quell the situation, but got lost on the way there. The FBI is investigating.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-16 16:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wasn't terrible.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-16 16:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't read this, but +1 for the topic title
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-06-16 16:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:12:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
But his content was actually original.
I just ripped off some dead white(-ish, does Greek count as white?) guy.
-----------------------
Speaking as a Greek. Yea. We're white.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-16 16:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was funny and all, but you reported something that was supposed to be off the record :(.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy: It's was the golf bit, wasn't it? I thought I might have been pushing the envelope there. Don't worry - from now on, I think I'll just have you drop in every once in awhile for highly-paid one-lined cameos.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I lied. I'm back for a minute.
For more on this story and a short dance number by Shlongy, click here: http://www.newsyoucantuse.org/fakefolder/cheapattemptatbackbuttonhits/click_this_fake_link_then_come_back.asp
Oh, Teeph. I feel so... liberated.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for shorter-ness, although you were really pushing your luck here, Mister.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But his content was actually original.
I just ripped off some dead white(-ish, does Greek count as white?) guy.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like a duck to water.
Can anyone tell me why I suddenly feel all Emperor Palpetine-like?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-06-16 15:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shorter than Teeph's last post featuring Shlongy.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ophelia Kunt.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh man...
This was in poor taste...
.
..
...
Nope. Still don't care.
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You're right, Teeph: It does get easier with time.
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I'm out, kids. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All in all not bad.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Boooooooooooo
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-16 14:35:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it...I enjoyed myself.