No one will click here, but I wrote a poem..: (990 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.11 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (View user info) at 2006-06-17 04:33:04 EDT
OW, my sense of meter.
I am tired but cant fall asleep.
I think that I'm thinking to much
My eyelids are HEAVY, my thoughts are deep
Love and life and death and such
Laying on the hardwood floor
And contemplating what?
The light is on, I've closed the door
I have no lock, but it stays shut
And "she" comes to mind
That dreaded lovely "her"
Closing my eyes, I'm stricken blind
Watching the computer screen turn to a blur
I read and re-read my words
I wonder what I mean
But love is so absurd
And love is so obsene
And I wonder what she would think
If she kew it was for her I wrote
And suddenly I blink
And my heart cant stay afloat
If you were with me
If you were here
I'd hold you to me
And in your ear
I would whisper the song that my heart is singing
The one that I cannot write
Love is all that I ask you to be bringing
To brighten this darkest night
And so, I think I'll lie down and sleep now
Or maybe just stare at the wall
I'll walk to the edge and swim ever deep now
If you promise to catch me when I fall.
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
User Reviews
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-06-26 15:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
for me, I thought this was good. I love poetry and anyone who tells you it has to be metered such and such a way, is living in the long lost past. Your poem simply needs to flow well. I think the ending is a little weak, maybe because it doesn't seem to mesh in well with the rest of what's going on. I don't know.
I want some eggnog.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-18 04:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too cliched and unoriginal. But well done for writing a poem and trying. I won't -2 in retaliation, because I'm better than you are and we all know it.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-17 13:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Auto +1 Poem (cause i don't read them)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-17 12:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When you're using a rhyming scheme, don't over think the meter, just COUNT, and make sure it makes sense. Decide on your rhythm, pick your number of syllables, and make sure the number of syllables in each line fits the scheme you chose. It's the free for poetry that's tougher.
Here's one I wrote for FUPA.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85538
A-B-A-B/syllables 8-6-8-6
I'm not exactly a poet, but following the scheme makes it foolproof.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2006-06-17 12:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i dont know much about poetry, but from the looks of it, neither do you.
for the record the one uber thing i hate the most is when untalented uberusers try to do something artistic. nobody on here is talented. noooobody. i could take a shit on a canvas, or film my self jerking off and if i post it with some degree of seriousness everybody will plus two it. but alas. i take comfort in the fact that no one on uber will ever go anywhere with anything artisticly in the real world.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-06-17 12:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My sense of meter hurts too, bud. But it wasn't truly negativeworthy
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-06-17 08:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounded like a song rather than a poem
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-17 07:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-06-17 05:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i clicked, i read, i conquered.
honestly? it's boring. its structure is fine, but the topic and language used is just... not merely pedestrian, but mundane. it reads like it would work better as song lyrics than as poetry meant to be read.