Unfamiliar Ceiling (1148 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.27 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by guiness (View user info) at 2006-06-18 00:22:46 EDT
Another day, another dollar. A hustle here, a hustle there. Lady luck was at best an unwilling associate to him; at worst, a dangerous siren trying to lure him in, only to leave him torn on rocky shores.
Which fool's money did he take this time? Which whore did he end up sharing a bed with last night? Who would sell him the batch of tainted smack and leave him in the gutter to choke to death on his own bile? Who cares? You only live once. And to hell with Luck, she'd never helped him before, why expect her to start now? He rolled over and went back to sleep.
***
Another day, another dollar. If she scored one more guy tonight she could go home. Well, at least after she took the pimp his cut of the profits.
She saw her mark. Decent car. Nervous eyes. He's not looking for someone to talk to.
Nice room. Nice bed. Plenty to drink. At least she would get to have a little fun with this one.
***
Another day, another dollar. After a while he felt comfortable with a gun in his hand. Took away his insecurities, at least for a while.
He looked in the convenience store he'd been watching for a week now and saw one man behind the counter. Good thing he smoked up a few minutes before. Hopefully it would ease his nerves a bit.
He was sure the clerk would never see it coming.
***
"Hey man, what's going on?"
"Pretty busy. Got three bodies in today. Nasty business."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, first guy got wasted and got his ass kicked by a taxi. Heh, I bet they're still scrubbing him off the pavement."
"Eww..that's a bad deal."
"Oh it gets better. Got a whore in, someone cut her a new smile under the chin. Dirty bitch won't be spreadin' HER shit anymore."
"Wow."
"Well, here's the kicker. Stupid ass stoner of a kid leaves home and starts bumpin' gas stations for cash. Get's himself so fucked up that he doesn't realize that the clerk at the one he's doing last night is his older brother that he hasn't seen for a year and a half. But he's wearin' a STUPID FUCKIN' HOOD and his brother doesn't know him. Brother pulls a shotgun from behind the counter, blows the dick's chest away and then recognizes him and holds him till the ambulance gets there. Little assholes get what they deserve. Let's see if they like their new sleeping accommodations."
"Jesus Christ. How do you stand this crap man?"
"Fuck it, I don't think about it. Another day, another dollar."
User Reviews
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-07-20 11:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This round ends in about 30 hours
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 19:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:41:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
this was a little light but i like the overall idea/effect you were chasing.
=========
I agree it cound have been more developed, but it was a really good effort and in light of your opponent's entry, this gets a +2 from me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was a little light but i like the overall idea/effect you were chasing.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-21 01:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too much whinning below........adds another +1...because i can
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-20 15:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, thus the comment the guy makes at the end "hope they like their new accomodations".
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-20 14:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it, but I'm not able to figure out how the title fits with the story...
...oh wait.
You're referring to the MORGUE ceiling?
If so, then I think I get the idea now.
The +1 still stands though as I think you could have drawn out each scenario in a little more detail; it was a tad too detached for my liking.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-19 21:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:17:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
so, you're a whore?
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, a giglo. Tell your mom I asked about her.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so, you're a whore?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-06-19 03:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cool
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-18 21:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 14:07:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 14:01:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-18 02:21:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
No offence to you guiness but things I hate at Ubersite:
- Catchphrases in stories, like 'another day another dollar'...why does repeating a phrase 3 times or more in a story make it 'good' necessarily? Personally I don't like it. Aside from emphasis I don't see why the repetition is needed or why it enhances the story other than to create a catchphrase, or the author includes it just because other people do it. It doesn't make a short story any better than what it already is.
- Paragraphs. In almost every story I read on Ubersite, no-one forms a paragraph like the one I have above (which comprises of 4 sentences). Virtually every sentence is made into a paragraph in itself. I'm fed up with people (like you guiness) spacing their text so wide in their story, in the fear that if their paragraph is properly constructed, too many people won't bother to read it. <average uber reviewer>"Oh no, there are too many words next to each other, it's too much for my tiny mind -2".
Bah and humbug.
-------
You don't know how to paragraph.
Pick up a book. You'll find that most books are "paragraphed" in the manner you've been criticizing. The spacing just looks odd on uber. It is correct.
============
Good story, guiness.
The only time paragraphs are spaced in the manner criticized by PAS is when each paragraph
contains a phrase from a different speaker. Books containing prose without conversation
are paragraphed in the manner proposed by PAS.
-------------------------------
Yeah, this definitely wasn't prose. And for me the story really doesn't start until the conversation. All the stuff before is just crude background information. The story IS the conversation.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-18 18:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-18 18:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My rating stands. Worth reading.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 18:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guys, please remember that guiness' entry is part of a contest.
Please rate accordingly. Thank you.
The story and presentation were both fine, and our arguing here should
not detract from his chances. . .
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:54:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I had put a faux tab before each paragraph in the second bit - but uber seems to have removed them. Thanks for that Bart.
===============
I almost did the same thing, only it was meant for ETS's post and was almost put on this post.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had put a faux tab before each paragraph in the second bit - but uber seems to have removed them. Thanks for that Bart.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:51:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
I entirely blame computer screens.
As a brief example (and I actually find Robinson Crusoe to be a bit of a capitalist allegory actually)
"I MENTIONED before that I had a great mind to see the whole island, and that I had travelled up the brook, and so on to where I built my bower, and where I had an opening quite to the sea, on the other side of the island. I now resolved to travel quite across to the sea-shore on that side; so, taking my gun, a hatchet, and my dog, and a larger quantity of powder and shot than usual, with two biscuit-cakes and a great bunch of raisins in my pouch for my store, I began my journey. When I had passed the vale where my bower stood, as above, I came within view of the sea to the west, and it being a very clear day, I fairly descried land - whether an island or a continent I could not tell; but it lay very high, extending from the W. to the W.S.W. at a very great distance; by my guess it could not be less than fifteen or twenty leagues off.
I could not tell what part of the world this might be, otherwise than that I knew it must be part of America, and, as I concluded by all my observations, must be near the Spanish dominions, and perhaps was all inhabited by savages, where, if I had landed, I had been in a worse condition than I was now; and therefore I acquiesced in the dispositions of Providence, which I began now to own and to believe ordered everything for the best; I say I quieted my mind with this, and left off afflicting myself with fruitless wishes of being there.
Besides, after some thought upon this affair, I considered that if this land was the Spanish coast, I should certainly, one time or other, see some vessel pass or repass one way or other; but if not, then it was the savage coast between the Spanish country and Brazils, where are found the worst of savages; for they are cannibals or men-eaters, and fail not to murder and devour all the human bodies that fall into their hands."
As opposed to
"
I MENTIONED before that I had a great mind to see the whole island, and that I had travelled up the brook, and so on to where I built my bower, and where I had an opening quite to the sea, on the other side of the island. I now resolved to travel quite across to the sea-shore on that side; so, taking my gun, a hatchet, and my dog, and a larger quantity of powder and shot than usual, with two biscuit-cakes and a great bunch of raisins in my pouch for my store, I began my journey. When I had passed the vale where my bower stood, as above, I came within view of the sea to the west, and it being a very clear day, I fairly descried land - whether an island or a continent I could not tell; but it lay very high, extending from the W. to the W.S.W. at a very great distance; by my guess it could not be less than fifteen or twenty leagues off.
I could not tell what part of the world this might be, otherwise than that I knew it must be part of America, and, as I concluded by all my observations, must be near the Spanish dominions, and perhaps was all inhabited by savages, where, if I had landed, I had been in a worse condition than I was now; and therefore I acquiesced in the dispositions of Providence, which I began now to own and to believe ordered everything for the best; I say I quieted my mind with this, and left off afflicting myself with fruitless wishes of being there.
Besides, after some thought upon this affair, I considered that if this land was the Spanish coast, I should certainly, one time or other, see some vessel pass or repass one way or other; but if not, then it was the savage coast between the Spanish country and Brazils, where are found the worst of savages; for they are cannibals or men-eaters, and fail not to murder and devour all the human bodies that fall into their hands.
"
Hmmm - I tend to quite like the bigger paragraphs actually.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola, I called my buddy Steve King and told him you said
he was "grocery store trash." Keep a close eye on the bushes
around your house. . . :)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:44:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Just grabbed an Asimov off the shelf - where it is not conversation, there are some fairly large paragraphs. But then, Asimov does tend to use a lot of conversation.
mmmm prepositions.
=======
Asimov, Heinlein, and most in that genre use conversation. Fiction requires
conversation as opposed to exposition. However, when the author needs to fill
in the back story or give technical explanations, multi-sentence paragraphs
are required and proper.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just grabbed an Asimov off the shelf - where it is not conversation, there are some fairly large paragraphs. But then, Asimov does tend to use a lot of conversation.
mmmm prepositions.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
also, i've read everything you've just listed.
I'm probably one of the better read 22 year olds you'll come across.
That's just because I'm a hermit and I don't do much.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:33:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure what we're arguing about. I read through your stuff and you paragraph correctly. This guy didn't do it wrong. He just didn't expand on anything or include any descriptiveness.
It's just sort of bare.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more... stuff.
So I guess you could just say it needs MORE, and leave it at that.
Good intro to a novel, but missing the novel bit.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:28:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
+ stephen king doesn't count.
It's grocery store trash.
Rabble rabble.
=========
My, aren't you jaded at such a young age.
OK, how about "Great Short Works of Stephen Crane?"
"Grapes of Wrath" by Steinbeck.
"Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen.
"Frankenstein" by Mary Shelly.
Are those trash, as well? Perhaps you should read more and
pontificate less, because you are still WRONG.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+ stephen king doesn't count.
It's grocery store trash.
Rabble rabble.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:10:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Any book? OK, "On Writing'" by Stephen King. For example, pages 96-99.
You are wrong. At the risk of being crude, I have read more books than you
have ever seen. Again, you are wrong.
I picked up another five books, and they all prove what I said.
:)
-----
Every book I own proves what I've said.
This is a common misconception and I suppose I shouldn't argue about it with you. Age equals wisdom, I know, I know.
I don't care that much. Paragraphs are just my pet peeve. That's okay, aren't you the person that keeps correcting me about saying "breaks" or "brakes" and "taut" or "taunt?"
We all make mistakes. Rabble, rabble.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any book? OK, "On Writing'" by Stephen King. For example, pages 96-99.
You are wrong. At the risk of being crude, I have read more books than you
have ever seen. Again, you are wrong.
I picked up another five books, and they all prove what I said.
:)
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 16:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 14:07:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, guiness.
The only time paragraphs are spaced in the manner criticized by PAS is when each paragraph
contains a phrase from a different speaker. Books containing prose without conversation
are paragraphed in the manner proposed by PAS.
---
Incorrect. You start a new paragraph for any new idea. IF there is a new action, you create a new paragraph. If there is a new motion, idea or article of speech. Anything requires a new paragraph.
Peoples' brains have been rotted from the inside out. They seem to think that every paragraph should have 4-5 sentences. That should actually almost never happen. If you have several paragraphs as such, you have probably done it incorrectly.
Pick up any book, ANY book, and you will find a series of one sentence paragraphs. This is correct.
It doesn't look good on a computer screen though. Way it goes. It doesn't mean that you should sacrifice being correct and writing properly to make a few uneducated people happy.
Nice piece though.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-18 15:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 14:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The phrase "Another day, another dollar" was used here with
great effect. It could have been the title of the piece.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 14:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 14:01:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-18 02:21:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
No offence to you guiness but things I hate at Ubersite:
- Catchphrases in stories, like 'another day another dollar'...why does repeating a phrase 3 times or more in a story make it 'good' necessarily? Personally I don't like it. Aside from emphasis I don't see why the repetition is needed or why it enhances the story other than to create a catchphrase, or the author includes it just because other people do it. It doesn't make a short story any better than what it already is.
- Paragraphs. In almost every story I read on Ubersite, no-one forms a paragraph like the one I have above (which comprises of 4 sentences). Virtually every sentence is made into a paragraph in itself. I'm fed up with people (like you guiness) spacing their text so wide in their story, in the fear that if their paragraph is properly constructed, too many people won't bother to read it. <average uber reviewer>"Oh no, there are too many words next to each other, it's too much for my tiny mind -2".
Bah and humbug.
-------
You don't know how to paragraph.
Pick up a book. You'll find that most books are "paragraphed" in the manner you've been criticizing. The spacing just looks odd on uber. It is correct.
============
Good story, guiness.
The only time paragraphs are spaced in the manner criticized by PAS is when each paragraph
contains a phrase from a different speaker. Books containing prose without conversation
are paragraphed in the manner proposed by PAS.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-18 14:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-18 02:21:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
No offence to you guiness but things I hate at Ubersite:
- Catchphrases in stories, like 'another day another dollar'...why does repeating a phrase 3 times or more in a story make it 'good' necessarily? Personally I don't like it. Aside from emphasis I don't see why the repetition is needed or why it enhances the story other than to create a catchphrase, or the author includes it just because other people do it. It doesn't make a short story any better than what it already is.
- Paragraphs. In almost every story I read on Ubersite, no-one forms a paragraph like the one I have above (which comprises of 4 sentences). Virtually every sentence is made into a paragraph in itself. I'm fed up with people (like you guiness) spacing their text so wide in their story, in the fear that if their paragraph is properly constructed, too many people won't bother to read it. <average uber reviewer>"Oh no, there are too many words next to each other, it's too much for my tiny mind -2".
Bah and humbug.
-------
You don't know how to paragraph.
Pick up a book. You'll find that most books are "paragraphed" in the manner you've been criticizing. The spacing just looks odd on uber. It is correct.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-06-18 12:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really liked this.
the 'catchphrase' repeated through out the story, i thought, strengthened and reinforced the idea that you explained a little below. i thought this was rather well planned and executed and showed a quick glimpse of the lives of like 3 people all on the same track, so to speak
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-18 10:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-18 09:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Catchphrases in stories, like 'another day another dollar'"
That was put in there more for irony than anything. The drunk, whore, and robber all considered what they were doing to be just making a living thus "another day, another dollar". Then the morgue guy at the end considers the nasty work of cleaning and storing these people to be just making a living thus the same phrase.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1.5
-Dave
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I disagree with PAS on the repitition aspect of this.
I think it works here.
The story was good, but could have used a little more depth and perhaps a little clearer definition of the charecters. I struggled to realise who was who in the early part.
-Dave
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-18 02:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Regarding paragraphs, this one is a worse offender than you Guiness...the following is awful (in terms of spacing) - my eyes, they bleed! http://www.ubersite.com/m/89319
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-18 02:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No offence to you guiness but things I hate at Ubersite:
- Catchphrases in stories, like 'another day another dollar'...why does repeating a phrase 3 times or more in a story make it 'good' necessarily? Personally I don't like it. Aside from emphasis I don't see why the repetition is needed or why it enhances the story other than to create a catchphrase, or the author includes it just because other people do it. It doesn't make a short story any better than what it already is.
- Paragraphs. In almost every story I read on Ubersite, no-one forms a paragraph like the one I have above (which comprises of 4 sentences). Virtually every sentence is made into a paragraph in itself. I'm fed up with people (like you guiness) spacing their text so wide in their story, in the fear that if their paragraph is properly constructed, too many people won't bother to read it. <average uber reviewer>"Oh no, there are too many words next to each other, it's too much for my tiny mind -2".
Bah and humbug.
Submitted by Dr.Midget (user info) at 2006-06-18 01:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great work
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-06-18 00:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-06-18 00:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D-Prime Madness
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89102