Dear Dan (1602 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: bestofsteve
Rating: 1.95 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's HOP of St. Awesome (View user info) at 2006-06-18 06:28:21 EDT
Dear Dan,
So, here I go. This is one of those things I put off all the time because people just don't write other people actual letters anymore. It's stupid to think that I'll sit here and put down all the words in my head in between 'Dear' and 'Goodbye.' It's like the filler in an Oreo and I know you always liked the cookie part best.
Your mom told me to write you. I talk to her from time to time. Your dad too. They like talking about you and I like listening. I can hear the same story a thousand times and I'll still sit back and smile and say 'Yeah, that's Dan.'
Smiles and silence. I'll get up and drive back home, just thinking. I won't turn on the radio. I'll just sit and try to make sense of the quiet. I'll sort out the unspoken and try to hear it, although I know there's a reason it wasn't said. I feel like I'm holding my ear to a door. Whispers through wood are all I'm getting with everyone but your mom and dad.
I try to forget about those busy silences when I'm alone.
But I also forget about the little emptiness in my heart when there isn't a face to remind me that you're not here or there.
Sometimes it feels good to forget.
Not always. Some one will ask me about what happened to you and I'll just blank out. I'll look away, focusing my face. I'll pretend to remember. I can feel the images ghosting across my eyes but I can't see them. Just pretending makes them back away. They don't want to touch it and I can't seem to reach it.
I moved. I'm sure your mom let you know. Things had to change. I started to miss home, although home wasn't always a place I could easily find. I got a little closer, I think. Closer than before. Things are better. Made some changes.
When I see you again, I'll bring my girl. She puts up with a lot. I guess that's the best way to put it. She reminds me of the girl you used to see. The actress. I still can't believe you dated an actress. Sometimes I'll get the urge to talk to her about old times, but her number has long since disappeared.
I picked up the phone to call some one the other day and dialled your old number. I stared at the phone for five minutes after it told me it had been disconnected. For some reason, I had expected to get your voicemail. To hear your voice.
I didn't realize I missed it until then.
This is the part where I say how much I miss you, but you know that already.
I know I'll have a nightmare tonight. That's another reason I've avoided writing this. I don't want to put the words down onto paper because I know that will make them real. Seeing is believing, and all that. In my head, they're just random images that bump into each other. When I see the thoughts, I realize what's happened to us and how much I want to close that distance.
You're the one who remembers what happened. I'm the one that pretends until the person asking gets too uncomfortable and leaves.
I want to remember.
I hate the nightmares because I can't remember.
I'm clawing at the blackness. I feel, I smell and I hear but I can't see anything but the blood in my eyes and the ache of an erased memory.
It hurts more not to know than to have one second of recollection.
I make up things to fill the gaps.
I pretend that you got to see the sky. I imagine that the grass was soft and you saw something beautiful. Maybe you talked to God. Maybe you tried to talk to me. Tried to tell me that it will be okay and that things will get normal.
Your voice is in my memory. Maybe you did say something. I want to remember what you said so I can keep it in my mind when things get bad again.
That's why I moved. So they wouldn't get bad again that fast.
But they will.
And I'll just have to deal with it.
That's what life is about. I deal and keep going.
When I was unpacking in the new house, I found some of your things. Your parents didn't take it all when they moved you out. Pieces of you blended in with pieces of me. That's what being roommates was about. We used the same plates and pots. Your guitar sat next to my stereo just fine. My television, your television stand. You don't realize how little you have until one half of your life is gone. Maybe your dad left that box on purpose to remind me that I have to find new things to fill that half.
I think I have that with her. Like you thought you did with your actress.
I guess I took away half of her life too.
So many halves.
Maybe I'm whole now. Maybe I am.
Or maybe I'm just pretending.
I promise to come see you this summer. And I'll bring my girl and she'll put some flowers on your grave. They'll be nice ones. I know shit about flowers, but hey she knows.
I'll bring you this letter then. And I'll apologize again for the things I can't remember and the things I can't forget.
Bye.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 02:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goood post
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-19 23:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was very inappropriate of me to say on this post, I apologize.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-19 22:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't have to die!!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-06-19 10:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2006-06-18 18:06:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching n shit.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-06-19 05:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not really quite sure what to say.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-19 04:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-19 03:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-06-19 03:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2006-06-18 22:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-06-18 21:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-18 21:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-18 20:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus...
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-06-18 19:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, lots of 'No comment' comments on this.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 19:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-18 19:00:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT, my bad.
===
Doodles, IMO track you down and hand you an ass whoopin'.
Pay a little good attention now, Mr. Chitlin.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-18 19:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT, my bad.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-18 19:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Almost on the MVA, only 20k hits to go.
Don't go all ETS on us now.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-06-18 18:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-18 18:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, Steve.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2006-06-18 18:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching n shit.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-06-18 17:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 16:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bump
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-06-18 10:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-18 10:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-06-18 10:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-06-18 10:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-18 10:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-18 09:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-18 09:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-06-18 07:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...
Is this about that Heatley accident a few years ago?
For some reason, that pic brings that into my head...
Anyway, I'm turned around enough as it is, because Stevie wrote something that both started AND ended seriously. Which I don't believe has ever happened before in the history of history.
Oh, and Balitmore Stallions, 1994 Grey Cup Runners-up.
I believed.
:-)
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-06-18 07:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
correction it was the Thunderwolves.
That's even WORSE than a Seawolf.
You see...I've been drinking.
And I can't type rights about now.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 07:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I start rambling to myself about the CFL I know it's time to go to bed. Goodnight.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-06-18 07:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The Eskimos get shortened to Eskies. And the only name WORSE than the Tiger-Cats is the Seawolves...I forget which university team that is but WTF is a Seawolf?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tiger-Cats is the worst team name ever. So people don't confuse them with the Tiger-Dogs?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How often do people refer to your team as the Edmonton 'Mos?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the Argonauts when Flutie was playing for them, but nowadays I have no allegiance. I just don't spend as much time watching cbc it seems.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The Roughriders challenged twice in a game they were losing by more than 20 points.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We have challenges now. Big fancy clock and everything. The ref disappears into an orange cone of truth, then emerges to bestow his wisdom from centre field.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The CFL is craaaaaaazy
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've given up all hope and bough a lawn chair for the cup parade.
I hope they don't have it in the indoor mall like they did when our football team won the Grey Cup.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good. I'm holding out hope that carolina will rebound.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You promised to come kill me and I'M STILL WAITING.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
filename
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-18 06:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you haven't died yet.