UGR Round 1: A Perfect Morning To Pretend Otherwise (with bonus audio reading!) (508 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 0.87 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-06-19 09:28:39 EDT
Uber-Go-Round contest link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89285
Click on the MP3 below for the audio reading...
----------------------------
A dawning, like no other, glinted in the madman's eyes,
As he quite deliberately laid his fingers on each key.
For this, a perfect morning, yes, to pretend otherwise,
And he pondered as he typed away on whom he ought to be.
"Oh, the fools! They'll never catch me!" purred the evil genius,
"For I'm far too deft and cunning to be brought to shame on here!
"All right then, I'll click 'Submit,' and make them guess who THIS is,"
Chortling, snorting, and cavorting as he chugged his sixteenth beer.
And the sparks, they flew online, all purported by one man,
Not the Lord of Alters, nay, for he was nowhere to be found;
But this one, a child in rank, but swift with pen and crayon,
Was new to those of ancient days, whom he most preferred to hound.
He turded up the front page, MVA, and Heated, too;
Leaving droppings most unpleasant in the posts of Uber-cliques.
Users' cries rang true and loud, "Hey, Mister Ghey! Yeah, I mean YOU!"
Though he swore he'd had his way with ev'ry semblance of a chick.
After all the jam had vanished, Mr. Greening hollered,
"Join me in this epic battle! We'll de-mask the myst'ry man!"
But there were a few good men that plainly just weren't bothered
By the antics of the joker razing through their cyber land.
With resolve, Jay licked his lips (to clear the sticky filling),
As he saddled up his horses to round up a motley crew.
Scourge, Leilani, Bart, O-Man, and 'Licious were those willing,
And they formed the Uber Justice League, with Bart as Number Two.
"You all know your mission, right?" Jgreening asked each member.
They all nodded in agreement - Leilani flashed her boobies.
"We will find the man behind the shitstorm plaguing Uber,
"And tear his ass a new one," vowed the league. "Now let's find Doodies!"
The Uber Justice League searched high and low, in every post,
For the identity of Doodies, but to no avail or luck.
But one day, the alter, well, he almost gave up the ghost,
Leaving clues in several places that made Bart say, "What the FUCK?!?"
For he knew now just what was going on with Doodie's case,
And so the Justice League cried, "Greening, FOUL!" at their Number One.
"Hey, Mister 57 Flavors, is this your new face?"
Hollered O-Man in a fit of rage as he withdrew his gun.
Yes, it seemed that someone else named Doodles was the scapegoat,
And this leader's alter, vying for attention, used his handle,
Changing one ambiguous letter, under which he wrote,
Taunting all the rest. Next to him, no one could hold a candle.
The jam-filled traitor knew that he was caught, and turned to flee,
But was stopped cold in his tracks by Doodles, who stood facing him.
"Mocking me, big Jay?" the quiet giant chuckled with some glee,
For he knew the fat man's fate would be quite grisly and quite grim.
"Just give me one more chance! I'll never pull this stunt again!"
Greening begged and pleaded with his comrades to forgive his ways.
"I know you won't," said Bart, "because I can't deny this sin."
And so the Uberlord doomed Doodies to buttsecks with the gheys.
What we've learned, from this event, is that alters are abhorred,
So best watch what you do with them, or risk being banned for life.
However, this might not be so bad, all things considered,
Because it leaves you more time for fornicating Shlongy's wife.
A Perfect Morning To Pretend Otherwise.mp3 (2 MB) [audio/mpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2006-06-21 12:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
What? I really do.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-20 14:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-06-20 13:13:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-20 08:05:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-06-20 00:02:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
If you have to explain how to read a poem, that's a problem.
--------------
STFU n00b
What a childish response to a valid criticism. Art is what you make of it, be you the artist or the consumer. If I didn't like it, I didn't like it. If you really thought for a moment about my criticism, you might find you could use it constructively the next time you attempt poetry. Or any literary work, for that matter. I mean, I'm certainly not going to critique the thing line by line, although you might benefit from that as well. One sentence summed it up pretty well, in my opinion.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and hope you're just having fun with that response. It would be sad if you really were hurt by my critique so much that you felt the need to lash back in such a vulgar, knee jerk manner towards a complete stranger.
I realize this is the internet, but seriously. Aren't you posting literary work? Or is this just a chatroom? If that's all it is to you, my apologies. But it seems much more to you.
I assumed you posted the thing for a response. I gave you an honest one. Had your work been better, I would have rated it as such. Being a n00b, as you call it, I'm not yet familiar with your particular personality quirks; your strengths and weaknesses as a writer are as yet, unknown to me.
Or are they?
I know this is a rather long response, but somehow, I feel you'll read every word of it.
========================
You're absolutely right that it was a knee-jerk response...this was for a contest entry, and seeing two -2 ratings right in a row off the bat is usually good indication that those users are somebody's alters (alternate accounts, if you're not familiar) being used strictly for gain to influence rating on a post. Was I hurt by the rating? Absolutely not, I don't take the rating personally. Frankly, I agree that this is one of my worse contributions in a while. I was just annoyed because you rated negatively, particularly in a competition entry, without elaborating on why...your response "If you have to explain how to read a poem, that's a problem" didn't offer any constructive criticism, it just seemed like a slam without substance or reasoning to back it up, and typically that is indicative behavior of an "alter." Your response makes it evident, however, that you are not an alter. That's my bad assumption, and my response was an attempt to draw out a reply indicative of the owner of the alter if you had been one. If there wasn't a giant problem with alters on here, I wouldn't engage in that type of response by any means, and you got the brunt of it...my apologies for that.
So, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're not an alter, and would truly honestly love to hear your constructive criticism on where to improve...line by line, if need be. It's really a rarity to get any of it on Ubersite nowadays, as you have probably already seen if you've looked more than a dozen posts since joining.
As you said, poetry comes in many different forms, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to do it; rather, it's just a matter of personal preference. I tend to lean towards non-traditional forms of meter and organization in my poetry. From what I can tell, you seem to prefer more standard conventions. Fair enough?
So, please accept my apologies, and feel free to elaborate...I'm truly interested in what you have to say. (Incidentally, apologies are rare on here too...you may not believe it now, but I'm one of the nicer regulars around here, at least nowadays.) Look at some of my older material, in particular my "Antidote Bear" series (http://www.ubersite.com/m/70467) and a few other poems (http://www.ubersite.com/m/83939, http://www.ubersite.com/m/81967, http://www.ubersite.com/m/84607). You might also check out my song material, that's really more of my forte anyway. Give it a look over and you'll get more of a feel for my style.
Incidentally, Paloma, is your name taken from the soap opera character on "Passions?" Just curious...that's the only place I've ever heard the name before.
~ Captain T.
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-06-20 13:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-20 08:05:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-06-20 00:02:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
If you have to explain how to read a poem, that's a problem.
--------------
STFU n00b
What a childish response to a valid criticism. Art is what you make of it, be you the artist or the consumer. If I didn't like it, I didn't like it. If you really thought for a moment about my criticism, you might find you could use it constructively the next time you attempt poetry. Or any literary work, for that matter. I mean, I'm certainly not going to critique the thing line by line, although you might benefit from that as well. One sentence summed it up pretty well, in my opinion.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and hope you're just having fun with that response. It would be sad if you really were hurt by my critique so much that you felt the need to lash back in such a vulgar, knee jerk manner towards a complete stranger.
I realize this is the internet, but seriously. Aren't you posting literary work? Or is this just a chatroom? If that's all it is to you, my apologies. But it seems much more to you.
I assumed you posted the thing for a response. I gave you an honest one. Had your work been better, I would have rated it as such. Being a n00b, as you call it, I'm not yet familiar with your particular personality quirks; your strengths and weaknesses as a writer are as yet, unknown to me.
Or are they?
I know this is a rather long response, but somehow, I feel you'll read every word of it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-20 08:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-06-20 00:02:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
If you have to explain how to read a poem, that's a problem.
--------------
STFU n00b
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-06-20 00:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you have to explain how to read a poem, that's a problem.
Submitted by ThoreauMe (user info) at 2006-06-19 23:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It makes it hard for one to get into the thing when you are so specific about others on the site about whom the reader may know little or nothing.
Actually wasn't very good as poetry, either.
The other guy's story was a lot better, just as an example of writing skill.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-19 15:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, I'll be stupid...is Doodies = Jaypeg?
I really am asking.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-19 14:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This "0" probably won't count.
God, and Brkn Nkd only knows why.
the world waits to see which Phil shows up in a month in England.
"This one is going to take a little while to get over," Mickelson said Sunday after collapsing on the 72nd hole at Winged Foot. "This one is pretty disappointing."
Mickelson's transgressions made a winner of Geoff Ogilvy and brought back memories of the Lefty of old, the happy-go-lucky guy who took too many chances and made too many mistakes.
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Those were the days before Mickelson won his three majors, before he acknowledged that you can't simply grip it and rip it, no matter how much fun that may be and how much the fans might love it.
He lost this one by hitting driver on No. 18, when he desperately needed to keep the ball straight. Then, after that shot went far to the left, he went for the green, hoping to save par, instead of taking a safer route that might have resulted in a bogey and a playoff.
From ahead by one on the 18th tee to losing by one in the clubhouse, tied for second with Colin Montgomerie and Jim Furyk.
From a chance for a third straight major to a spot next to Jean Van de Velde in the pantheon of major meltdowns.
Mickelson said he would go home and rest for a while; majors have always taken a lot out of him. He conceded it will take a lot of healing to be ready for the British Open at Royal Liverpool a month from now.
"The biggest reason it's disappointing is that this is the tournament I dreamed of winning as a kid, that I spent countless hours practicing, came out weeks and weeks and months early to get ready and had it right there in my hands," Mickelson said.
Ogilvy, meanwhile, got his first major championship not only thanks to Mickelson's mistake, but to his own solid play through four days on a brutal Winged Foot course that yielded only 12 sub-par rounds all week.
The 29-year-old Aussie shot 2-over 72 to finish at 5-over 275. He became the first U.S. Open winner not to break par since Andy North in 1978 at Cherry Hills.
"I think I was the beneficiary of a little bit of charity," Ogilvy said.
AP - Jun 18, 10:10 pm EDT
More Photos
But make no mistake. Ogilvy did plenty of solid work to get in position to have this handed to him.
On the 17th hole, he chipped in from the gnarled greenside rough to save par and stay at 5 over. On 18, he hit a perfect drive up the fairway, only to see it come to rest in a divot -- the ultimate bad break on a course that was already tough enough. His approach lost power as it reached the green, tumbled down the hill, but he made a great up-and-down to save par.
Then, from the clubhouse, Ogilvy saw Mickelson make the kind of mistakes most people thought were behind him.
He chose driver over his 4-wood on the tee, feeling that a driver that would curve a little to the left had been his "bread-and-butter shot" over the last 2 1/2 years, during which he has morphed from the 0-for-42-in-the-majors guy to the primary threat to Tiger Woods.
That shot sliced so far left, it landed near the hospitality tents called The Champion's Pavilion, into the matted rough. Instead of hitting a safe shot and trying to guarantee at least a bogey and a playoff with Ogilvy, he went for the green and hit a tree. A branch knocked down his ball and it advanced only 25 yards.
From there, desperation set in.
Mickelson's third shot sailed left of the green and buried in the bunker, plugged so badly that all he could do was hope to get out, not get close to the hole. He blasted out, across the green and into more rough. Then, with one last chance to save the tournament, he chipped 8 feet past the hole.
The last putt gave him double bogey and dropped him to a tie for second with Jim Furyk and Montgomerie.
"I just can't believe that I did that," Mickelson said. "I am such an idiot."
Before Mickelson gave it away, it appeared Montgomerie would be the tournament's poster child for missed opportunity. Like Mickelson, Monty headed into 18 at 4 over, tied for the lead. Unlike Mickelson, Montgomerie hit a perfect drive before his decision-making went awry.
Sitting perfectly in the fairway from 172 yards away, the 42-year-old Scot decided at the last minute to swap his 6-iron for a 7.
"I thought the adrenaline would kick in and I hit it about 10 yards further in that circumstance," Monty said.
AP - Jun 18, 9:23 pm EDT
More Photos
The ball fell about 10 yards short, into the rough short of the green. Four shots later, Montgomerie had double bogey. He fell to 0-for-58 in the majors.
"Other chances I've had, other players have done very well," Montgomerie said. "This is the first time I've really messed up, which is OK. You're entitled to a couple of mess-ups along the way."
This Open, however, will be remembered more for Mickelson's late foul-up than for Montgomerie's.
And now the debate will begin over whether Mickelson outdid Van de Velde, the Frenchman who made triple bogey on the last hole of the 1999 British Open at Carnoustie to fall into a tie.
Van de Velde at least got to a playoff before his hopes were officially dashed. Mickelson had no such luck. He simply cupped his hands over his cap and walked away in defeat, knowing there's only about a month to get over it and tee it up at the British Open.
"I had it right there and I let it go," Mickelson said, "and I cannot believe I did that."
Updated on Monday, Jun 19, 2006 2:50 am EDT
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Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-06-19 11:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep...
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-06-19 11:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody good stuff.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-19 10:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i reserve the right to later knock this down a notch to a +1.5 depending on your competitors piece but this was entertaining and creative so +2.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-19 09:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For those of you wondering, "what the hell is this poem structure?" - it's alternating lines of 14 and 15 syllables as follows:
Line 1: 3 + 4 + 7
Line 2: 2 + 6 + 7
Just a little form of meter I've been experimenting with, nothing more.
Oh, and the background music is "Ustad Usman Khan" by Raga Hansadhwani. From a CD I picked up whilst in India this past week.