UGR - One More Shot At The Quiet (703 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Uber-Go-Round_2006
Rating: 1.07 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2006-06-19 15:56:49 EDT
One more shot at the quiet, that's all I wanted, that last chance to prove myself and thereby secure my future. I've been a heavy all my life and lately, as a hit man, I've been paid well for my services. I can nearly retire but I needed one last heavy job and then I'd have it, the chance to disappear and just live for me. One more shot at the quiet.
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As I entered my apartment I caught the unmistakable blur of motion in time to put my forearm up to receive the blow. My attacker had waited behind my apartment door and had just broken my arm trying to hit me with a baseball bat, fucking hurt like hell.
I slammed the door shut and looked at the kid still holding the bat. He was probably in his early twenties, well dressed, and obviously scared shitless. He stood there staring at me holding the bat loose, this obviously wasn't what he'd had planned. I took a moment to survey the damage to my arm, "fuck me. Kid you're gonna have to pay for this".
As I said it the kid kind of came to life, he dropped the bat and grabbed the door handle.
Taking a good swing, I kicked him right above the knee and was satisfied to hear a loud crunching noise before the kid fell to the floor wailing. "Who sent you kid?"
"I can't tell you. I can't, I'm sorry about your arm. Can't you let me go?"
God damn, kid's already groveling. "I don't think you understand what you just tried to do to me. I am however sure you were sent here to kill me, so who was it?"
"Please. I can't."
"Fuck that, you'd damn well better learn how." This time my foot connected with his ribs.
"Can't, he'll kill me."
"What do you think is gonna happen if I let you go and you go back? You think you're gonna get a second chance?" I stomped on the kid's fingers splayed out on the floor and singling one out start to grind on it with the heel of my boot.
"PLEASE!! Oh, come ON, THAT HURTS! PLEASE!!"
"Look, you don't have much of a chance at continuing life right now but if you tell me what I want to know I may decide to work with you." I pulled my foot back again and made like I was gonna drive it into his face. I pulled the kick at the last second and tapped him on the chin.
"OK! OK! IT'S FUCKIN MARCUS MAN! PLEASE!! PLEASE DON"T KILL ME"
"What the fuck am I sposed to do with you then? I can't send you back; I really like the fact that, at least for a little while, Marcus'll think you toasted me."
"Come on man, please don't kill me." The kid's begging was too much. I've made it as far as I have because I don't compromise. I picked up the bat with my good arm and kept swinging until his head was a mushy pulp.
As much as I wanted to pass out I forced myself to push through it and get to work. The time I'd bought myself wouldn't last long. I arranged to have a medic friend of mine come to fix up my arm and while I waited I worked on cleaning up the kid.
I put a glove on and searched the kid. I didn't find anything that identified me and I stripped everything that identified him. I tried to roll him up in the front hall rug since it was all fucked up anyway but I couldn't do it with just the one hand. As I tried again there was a knock at the door. Carefully, keeping my body to the side of the door, I looked out the peephole and saw my buddy standing in the hall.
I opened the door. "Get in here, Quick!"
He stepped in and catching site of the kid said "Oh, you fucker! I told you I never wanted anything to do with things like this."
"I know, I'm sorry but my arm's fucked and I need some help."
He looked at my arm then and I heard him mutter under his breath but he stopped looking like a horse with a snake underfoot and settled in to do his work. I watched as he deliberately worked on my arm and as he finished up I asked if he could help with one other thing. He looked up at me and must have seen what I needed help with.
"I'm not here, never was, and you're on your own."
"Alright, thanks Doc."
I saw the doc out and set myself to cleaning up after the kid. I was finally able to get him rolled into the rug and then dragged him to the kitchen window, the one facing the alley. With a lot of effort I was able to get the kid up on the sill and finally out the window into the dumpster below. Time to make a phone call.
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I took my shot and ultimately got what I was after, the quiet, but it wasn't what I had planned. I got the quiet I wasn't ready for yet.
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"Antonio! What's the going rate on Marcus? Are you serious? Sign me up. Usual arrangements? Alright, I'll wait till I see the first half hit my account."
I set to work to get the gear I'd need. This would have to be a clean kill and since my arm is fucked up I can't really afford any personal altercations. After getting everything together I signed in to my bank's website and checked my balance. I wasn't surprised to see the money was already there, if nothing else Antonio's straight up about getting me paid.
Grabbing my gear I made my way to the end.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
The rest is inconsequential really. I went to kill Marcus and instead was set up by Antonio. It seems the price on my head far out grossed Marcus's. They found me setting up my rifle in anticipation of Marcus's regular visit to his favorite club. They took me, not without a fight obviously, to a warehouse on the bay. I'm teetering on the edge of consciousness and it galls me to know I'm beat but I do. I know it as surely as a person knows the words to their favorite song.
One more shot at the quiet, that's all I wanted, that last chance to prove myself and thereby secure my future. I've been a heavy all my life and lately, as a hit man, I've been paid well for my services. I can nearly retire but I needed one last heavy job and then I'd have it, the chance to disappear and just live for me. One more shot at the quiet. I took my shot and ultimately got what I was after, the quiet, but it wasn't what I had planned. I got the quiet I wasn't ready for yet.
User Reviews
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-11-12 19:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-22 14:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could see this turning into a Sin City-ish tale (the title sounds appropriate), but it was tied up so quickly at the end that I feel cheated in a way. All the attention was paid to the interaction between the main character and the kid, and I think the double cross mentioned at the end would have been much more compelling.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-21 10:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-21 07:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-20 18:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought it sucked by my opinion doesn't count, for some pathetic reason.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-20 12:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought your writing was good here, brdn, but I think you spent a little too much effort trying to incorporate the title- made it awkward. It's still a good story. I'll adjust my rating if need be, once your opponent has posted.
Thanks for doing the comp. It's like an oasis in a desert of shitposts sometimes, I swear.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-20 08:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look Brdn, this wasn't very good, but deserves higher than the shit that was dropped on it.
Along with that, if you take out Shlongy's -2's, then make this a +1.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-19 23:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is better than a 0.43 on 20 reviews. I don't see reviews by anyone
who can do better. . .
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-19 19:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-19 18:36:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, some people like Shlongy can't get any attention in real life and resort to having fun on the internet ;) Don't believe it? Trust me its probably to close to the truth, and I'm sure he'll shine that inner proof with a nice insult back, enjoy stain.
YEAH! You nailed it! You got me!
I guess I'll just recede into the corner and count my money.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-19 19:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, at least you got Shlongy to get semi-erect for a change...lately all that dude does is drops a 'nice job, dipshit', and fades back to flaccidity...
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-19 18:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, some people like Shlongy can't get any attention in real life and resort to having fun on the internet ;) Don't believe it? Trust me its probably to close to the truth, and I'm sure he'll shine that inner proof with a nice insult back, enjoy stain.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2006-06-19 18:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Likewise!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-19 18:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Good response!
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2006-06-19 17:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nyah, Makhnov. Nyah.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-19 17:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who the fuck are you?
Don't ever address me unless you're "spoken to" first, Mussolini.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2006-06-19 17:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy, people like you love to throw around the word nazi -- you use it for anyone that disagrees with you. What, you're some kind of hip avant garde anarchist who just can't be bothered to follow rules 'cause rules are just the man keeping you down?
Pathetic.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-19 17:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My wisdom allows me to see the incredible humor in my reviews...while an immature Nazi parasite like, well, you, only sees the....ummmmmm, I'm not sure what you're seeing or thinking.
Your strategy on censoring ratings has me so confused that God only knows what you're thinking at any given time.
You act (like a baby) like I don't want your contest to be successful.
That is totally NOT true; I just can't believe that you have convinced yourself that your elimination of specific ratings from asshole raters, like myself, is a "good thing".
You're fucking nuts.
Does THIS -2 count?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-19 17:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wasn't super, but it was ok. probably a hard title to work with.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what amazes me most about you shlong is that you're sposed to be the older, wiser, more mature man.
You are older.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For those of you wondering, "what the hell is this poem structure?" - it's alternating lines of 14 and 15 syllables as follows:
Line 1: 3 + 4 + 7
Line 2: 2 + 6 + 7
Just a little form of meter I've been experimenting with, nothing more.
Oh, and the background music is "Ustad Usman Khan" by Raga Hansadhwani. From a CD I picked up whilst in India this past week.
She pulled the bike into a small corner behind a dumpster, after checking that no human scum was residing in her "parking space." she began to pull some bags from the dumpster that began to afford her some cover. As she pulled the garbage from box, she placed them all around the bike, beginning to conceal the easily seen Ducati silhouette.
After two minutes of pulling bags, and placing them on the bike, she was soon pleased with the results. Nothing was seen, save for a dumpster that seemed to leak its contents onto the street behind it. She began to back out of the alley, watching where she stepped. As she turned to face the street, one face was staring at her, through a pile of boxes.
"Tough shit, for you tonight." She said, as she pulled her knife from it's holster on her side. She advanced on her prey, as a cat would a tiny mouse. The man seemed frozen in fear as she brought her face next to his. The sharp tip of the knife soon found its way to his face, as she began to play with the bum.
Anyway, that's what I'm thinking.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yea? good for you fucker! I hate you and you stink like doody.
Just kidding. I didn't particularly care for the title. Maybe I should have stewed it a bit more but I didn't want to. thanks again for reading and thanks for the input. B
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the action was sweet...and the characters were developed well...but the usage of the title slash whole point of the story sucked.
the "all i want is one more shot at the quiet" was vague and weak and not powerful. \
finishing mine up tonight.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. I see the connection just fine.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmm. i guess I didn't sell it well enough. the idea was presented in the beginning middle and end to show his one last shot at peace, at least that was my intent. thanks for the feedback.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That said, I enjoyed the story and the whole ALL CAPS thing (which usually pisses the hell out of me to see anywhere) didn't really bug me.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree with JonnyX.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-19 15:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
story
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shoehorn in title here so as not to get DQed
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