The Uberia Wars - 3 - A Fist in Time Saves Nine (973 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-06-20 01:51:01 EDT
continued from
Part 2: 'Shlong Train A-Runnin, All Night Long' - http://www.ubersite.com/m/89232
Part 1: The Uberia Wars - http://www.ubersite.com/m/89138
"Hey Katy, pull that gasoline-powered vibrator out of your steeze and place a call to JonnyX, PRONTO!"
Katy reluctantly pulled the toy out of herself and set it beside the phone. The thick mixture of her mucous and lube pooled below the cradle as she drew the receiver and dialed JonnyX's secure line. After two rings, he answered and was promptly patched through to Shlongystan's leader and namesake.
"What do you want Shlo--"
"DON'T YOU 'WHAT DO YOU WANT, SHLONGY' ME, DIPSHIT! Do you have any idea what's going on? Do you know who's been calling me? Are you on the level? Are we still on schedule? Can you possibly fath...wait. WAIT. What the fuck is that noise?"
There was silence on the other end of the line. Then, a muffled moan. Shlongy heard a hand cover the receiver and someone's voice hushing the others in the distance. Finally, JonnyX got back on the line.
"Um, look man. This really isn't the best time for me to talk. The Cyst Master and Caulaincort are...well let's just say they're not taking it easy on the male fluffers we brought in. We've taken some casualties, sir. There's blood all over Cyst's dick and Caul keeps insisting he bottoms for the other men."
Shlongy felt his face redden with anger. There was no way this mouth-breather was telling him this. "There is NO WAY you're telling me this, mouth-breather! You need to get the boys in line, and quick. I fear some of our neighbors might be catching wise."
"Aye aye, sir. We're about to break for lunch, and I've made sure the poutine that's being served is drugged. The photo shoots will continue to go as planned, and soon enough we'll have more than enough ghey porn to blanket all of Uberia twice over. PROJECT FRANK STALLONE WILL BE A REALITY! It'll be th---"
"Just get it done, dipshit." Shlongy hit the 'END' button and flung the phone against the wall. He sat at his desk in silence. MistressFist was totally going to get it raw tonight. There was no doubt about that now. "I might even have to choke a bitch," he thought. He smiled. But first: business.
"KATY!" he yelled through his office wall. "GET THAT 'MOE ORGASMATRON ON THE VIDEO PHONE!"
-
The Kingdom of the Fisted Shamone was a kingdom in name only. It was governed by a king, certainly, but over the years it had lost much of its royal tradition, swagger and heritage.
Originally, kings - or "shamones" as they were referred to by those of the country's Golden Age - were not born into their thrones but were rather selected in an odd and intense endurance test. Would-be rulers would gather in the town square after the death of a king and bare their asses to the public. Whoever could take the most fists inside them before sundown was crowned the new king. This practice is still referenced in the popular present-day rhyme: "Ninety hands in your o-ring/Take them, son, and you'll be king."
Thankfully in the 60s hygeine and cooler heads prevailed as the nation adopted a more casual and less intestinally-disruptive form of monarchy - the bloodline. King Monty "Montpelier" Orgasmatron III, having purchased the country outright from
Abe Froman (the Last of the Fisted Kings AND the Sausage King of Chicago), set about to bring culture and, well, general awesomeness to the land, and did so through the unassuming commodity of poetry.
(The truth is Monty was a bit of a hack, and had merely won the muse Calliope in a card game with Tommy LaSorda. So, really his commodity was Inspiration, but he'd never admit to it. Not even on his death bed. Which, incidentally, was shaped like a pair of Reebok Blacktops.)
By the 90s - thanks to the efforts of Achilles and Ajax Orgasmatron - poetry had become the kingdom's main export, followed closely by bottled manstink and FetusWear™: Clothing for Fetuses. The Kingdom of the Fisted Shamone enjoyed a stability and prosperity never before witnessed by a king born of woman or fisted by all. It was this peace and prosperity that King Mars "Fuck Clark Bars" Orgasmatron I inherited when his father Achilles, and it was this bowel-calming peace in particular that King Orgasmatron was experiencing when the phone rang in his royal bathroom.
The caller ID display read "HARRELSON." It could only be one man.
"Make this quick, I'm on the can. Speak to me, you large nosed man."
"Oh for Christ's sake, Orgasmoe! Again with the fucking rhy---" Shlongy paused and drew a breath. "I mean, how's it going? Been a while since we talked, huh?"
"Yeah, I think it was back at Apollo's funeral. I still can't believe they built a casket large enough for his head."
"Ah, good times. Well look, I was just, ahem, going through my phone book and making some calls, seeing how everyone was doing. You're sure everything's cool? Nothing out of the ordinary going on?"
"Nothing to speak of, nope." He twirled the gold phone cord around his fingers. "Why, is there something going on?"
"No, no of course not. I was just...checking. Say you want to get together and golf sometime? It'll be on me. My slut'll call your slut. It'll be great."
"Sure, Woody. Whatever. Look, I'm gonna drop these last two pounds and then get on with my day ok? I'm sure you're billing me for this call." Orgasmatron replaced the phone and, to his surprise, lost three pounds instead of two. Must have been all that corn.
Having washed his hands he strolled out to his veranda and took in the cool breeze blowing through the jasmine trees. "At some point today I really should get dressed," he thought. "But not yet."
He walked naked through the ante-chamber that lead to the main salon of his royal chambers. Bound to a chair in the middle of the room, and seated above a dropcloth, sat Paul Blakeford. Standing beside him were Queens Sacrilicious and Ghola - who shared duties as wife and bodyguard, respectively. Female assassins were so chic, and The Kingdom of the Fisted Shamone LOVED being chic.
Orgasmatron circled the man for a moment, then bent down and whispered in his ear. "So you're the one who was looking to kill me, hmm? No, it's ok. I've already been told. Funny that Shlongy would send someone so...incapable. It's really not his style. Though I guess there's no profit to be had in skill assessment, huh?" He turned to Ghola. "What else'd he have on him, besides the Rancid hat?"
The little woman extended a small, gloved hand and handed him a bag. "Nothing much. A pen knife, some condoms and a handful of really terrible poetry."
Orgasmatron looked Blakeford dead in the eye, visibly shaking. "Is this true?" He ripped the tape off the prisoner's mouth. "Is. This. True?" His jaw clenched. "ANSWER ME!" Quick, kingly fingers tore the bag in half and spilled its contents on the floor. He picked a scrap of paper from the tile and scanned it.
Holding back a gag he held it in front of Blakeford. "Read it."
The restrained man began weeping.
"Read it or I'll see to it you'll never speak again."
Blakeford began reading "He Treated Her Like a Man." "He stuck a foot in her back 'cause shEHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHGUGHHG." His voice died and became a bloody garbled thing as Orgasmatron jammed the pen knife into his throat and tore it from left to right. His forearms, chest and face were painted red as Blakeford's arteries exploded all over them. The women stood by stoically as eventually the dripping ceased and the room was once again silent.
"I can deal with a plot against my life. I can deal with the duplicity of a head of state. Hell, I can even deal with how all the statues of me wind up looking like Neo from that Matrix movie. But I will NOT tolerate shitty poetry existing in my kingdom!" He turned to his wives. "Did he say anything else before you brought him here?"
"He just spilled the bit about Shlongy and then he peed himself," replied Sacrilicious, eyeing his bloody frame. "I think he was working alone." She patted the curved blades on her belt. "Whatev."
"Can't be too sure. Ghola dear, double the security around the castle. Send word to General Lemmy to keep the troops on alert - especially the jet fighters. Have him play some Kenny Loggins if that's what it'll take to get 'em rallied. And send emissaries out to our allies. I want to know if anyone else is dealing with that bean-nosed prick or if I've somehow managed to draw the bulk of his ire."
With a turn and a wink, Ghola was gone.
Orgasmatron eyed Sacrilicious. She knew she had a much more important - and immediate - job to do.
"Well, this blood isn't going to clean itself off me, is it dear? Let's go paint the sheets."
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-10 13:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss THIS?!?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-06-27 23:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sweet, official recognition.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-27 18:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-06-27 18:47:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
My contribution has STILL recieved zero mention.
Hence, I desire part four.
Nay, I DEMAND part four.
----------
There you go. Fungah has part 4. Don't repost your other one though.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-27 18:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-23 18:19:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave me out of your fantasies.
=====
No.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-06-27 18:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My contribution has STILL recieved zero mention.
Hence, I desire part four.
Nay, I DEMAND part four.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-27 15:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-23 18:19:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave me out of your fantasies.
---
If there was a Part 2 you'd be left out of it, considering you'd still be servicing demons and gumming Foppage's dick in the depths of hell.
Unless, of course, Chuck Norris and Christopher Walken were to free you from the devil's grasp.....
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-23 18:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave me out of your fantasies.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:34:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-06 20:12:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-06 18:57:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Decon...don't have this post worry you about cliques.
To be honest, it's about a third of the length I orignially wanted it to be (stupid work forced me to cut it short).
I had a whole sub-plot where Mephishlongalys conjured Caulaincort and TigerLilly to show scourge and Voltage what a real back-and-forth is supposed to look like.
A whole bit with good and evil angels.
The spirits of Richard Simmons, his paramour, the Marquis de Sade, and Rasputin were set to make an appearance too.
The cast of characters was much larger. Who knows...you may have made an appearance.
-----------
<chanting crowd in crowded arena>
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-06 20:12:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-06 18:57:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Decon...don't have this post worry you about cliques.
To be honest, it's about a third of the length I orignially wanted it to be (stupid work forced me to cut it short).
I had a whole sub-plot where Mephishlongalys conjured Caulaincort and TigerLilly to show scourge and Voltage what a real back-and-forth is supposed to look like.
A whole bit with good and evil angels.
The spirits of Richard Simmons, his paramour, the Marquis de Sade, and Rasputin were set to make an appearance too.
The cast of characters was much larger. Who knows...you may have made an appearance.
-----------
<chanting crowd in crowded arena>
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
PART....TWO
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-21 11:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-20 11:37:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Part 4 is up for grabs folks!
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-06-21 00:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey man, blood on my dick..........................................ACES!
Submitted by ThoreauMe (user info) at 2006-06-20 21:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jumped the shark. Truly.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-06-20 21:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fisted shamone.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Having washed his hands he strolled out to his veranda and took in the cool breeze blowing through the jasmine trees. "At some point today I really should get dressed," he thought. "But not yet."
===
clean hands..jasmine..naked O..
You did this all for me, didn't you darling?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-20 18:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have another for PROJECT FRANK STALLONE
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-20 13:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:49:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you all.
------
now's your chance C1ndy!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-20 12:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The Sox won, the Yankees lost AND I got this started and done before bed last night?
Fabulous day.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-06-20 12:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Highly involved for a Tuesday, nice work.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-20 11:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Part 4 is up for grabs folks!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-20 11:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who's next in line.
The Borderlands of Scourgistan will certainly play a part in this tale, once I decide to write a bit of it.
Hrrm.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-20 10:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fun
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-20 10:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHEM:
"He Treated Her Like a Man" by Paul Blakeford
He stuck a foot in her back 'cause she
Ain't know how to act
He treated her like a man
She talked on her cell too loud, so he
Slammed her on the ground
He treated her like a man
She bucked at a cop, so her
Body got dropped
He treated her like a man
The cop ain't care that a
Fetus was in there
He treated her like a man
All on the news
Many people are confused
Why treat that pregnant woman like a man?
But the Police Department's policy stresses
Gender neutral equality
They treat a pregnant black woman like a man
Here are the real questions:
Did the cop treat her like she's a man
Or
Did he treat her like she's black?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-20 06:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha..fisted shamones..aww, fetus wear..HAHAHAHAHA PAUL BLAKEFORD'S EXPLODING ARTERIES..HAHAHAHAHAHA..(stoically? really? that's funny)..HAHAHAHAHA..mmm...HOT.
Whatev. Shamone.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-20 05:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
As a rule I'm not very keen on stories centred around characters from uber, it causes too much head-swelling and it's just hit whoring really. But I found myself giggling a few times, so you get a +1.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-20 04:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
c1ndy don't worry you will have a cameo sooner or later.
Nice job orgasmo. I like the part where the guy was talking to the one guy and he said something funny and we all laughed. hahaha. Good times.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you all.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DONE!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I best finally get started on shoving a bunch of +2s up your ass.
Submitted by ssspunkstaa (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops ! meant to plus 2 this
Submitted by ssspunkstaa (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ninety hands in your o-ring/Take them, son, and you'll be king."
Thats gold ! lol