Beyond Salvation (1010 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2006-06-20 19:11:26 EDT
Raises are being handed out this week. That means that everyone in the office will look nice all week. There are two dozen of us, all female. Everyone will come to work in a skirt, with too much makeup on and their hair will be pulled back into a tight bun that probably restricts any facial movement whatsoever. That's probably a lie though, because they can damn sure smile. I'll be the only one that keeps wearing blue jeans. I'll try not to wear the ones that are unraveling at the bottom and I'll spray some of that de-wrinkling spray on my t-shirt after I dig it out from underneath my bed. Those shirts are probably clean. I know the ones in the corner aren't, because I spilled spaghetti sauce on them last week.
Our boss's favorite game (my least favorite game) is to pretend that every decision isn't already made. He has everyone running really odd errands all week. Any other time they'd refuse, because he really is a sleaze.
"Kay," he'll call out from his office.
The chipper, busty girl scurries from around her desk to go stand in his doorway and see what he wants.
"Will you go get me a diet Dr. Pepper?" The goddamned soda machine down the hall has diet coke. What the fuck is the difference? The convenience store is probably a fifteen minute drive. I know the cheap fucker isn't going to reimburse her for gas either.
"Sure," she answers, grinning so hard that I expect her face will explode cartoon style, leaving remnants of Barbie girl all over the wall.
While she's gone he walks down the hall, buys a diet coke and drinks it. He throws it in the trash can next to her desk where she'll see it. She'll know that it was his and he'll know that she sees it. She'll still bring him his diet Dr. Pepper, smile, curtsey, and go sit back at her desk.
Later that afternoon he'll call Sissy, the newest girl in the office. "Sissy," he'll say, drawing out the sound of the "e" in her name. "Will you get something to clean off my keyboard? It's filthy." This is likely because he spilled diet Dr. Pepper all over it earlier. Sissy hurries over, leans over the bastard to clean his keyboard, and says thank you when she's done. What is she thanking him for? The privilege to clean his desk?
I know it'll happen. I'm waiting on it to happen. Just before the end of the day he calls me into his office. I finish what I'm doing (a suduko puzzle in the newspaper) and stroll in. He motions for me to shut the door behind me and have a seat.
"I've noticed that you've had a few attitude problems here lately," he begins. Damn straight I have. He's a fucking moron. I hope he dies. I picture my cats devouring him, groin first. My cats are so happy while they're eating. It's one of the few times I actually hear them purring. They don't actually like me, so they don't let me pet them or hold them.
"Uh." That's all there is for me to say. I stare at him and wait on him to expound upon his statement.
"I've also heard some whispers about your attire."
I'm sure he has. Those goddamned bitches wear the same thing that I do every other week. Can I help it if I don't own skirts and twelve tons of blue eye shadow? Did you know that some cultures are labeling blue eye shadow as the mark of the beast? Tammy Faye started it.
"Yes?" He's got to say more than this.
"Well I just wanted to let you know that if you're gay, it's okay with us. We don't discriminate against anyone for any reason. We have a black girl working down the hall too."
Wait. He thinks I'm gay? And he thinks that being black and being gay is roughly the same thing? I stare at him.
"I just wanted to let you know," he adds.
I stand up, nod at him and go back to sit at my desk. While I was gone one of my coworkers (oh how I love them) threw my suduko puzzle away. What the hell am I going to do with the rest of my day? The phone rings, I answer it, and I spend twenty minutes explaining the difference between white paint and Navajo white paint.
"Sir, you cannot paint your apartment white."
"Why not?" he whines into the phone.
"Because your apartment is Navajo."
"My apartment is what?"
"Navajo. White."
"Yeah. I said I was going to paint it white."
The conversation went pretty much like that and by the time it ended I was in desperate need of a cigarette. Normally we all take about seven smoke breaks a day. We go sit on the back porch of the office, chat and have a smoke. No one has done this all week. I'll be damned if I'm not going to have a goddamned cigarette.
Ten minutes later my feet are stretched out in front of me and I'm inhaling. I'd look for another job if I cared more. Hell, apparently my boss thinks I'm mean and poorly dressed because I'm gay. That's how gay people are. Mean and poorly dressed. Obviously.
I finish my cigarette and go back inside. Two girls are chatting in front of my desk. Oh hell, I guess they want to talk to me. I sit down and peer up at them, waiting on them to impart some bit of information to me.
"Feingold just gave out paychecks. Yours is right here," she says waving a smudged and bent envelope in front of my face.
"What happened to the envelope?" I ask.
"I dunno." They both glance at each other. It's the sort of glance between two children who have just eaten cookies they knew they shouldn't have. Their mother is questioning them and they know if they stick to the same story she has to believe them.
"Whatever." I tear open my envelope. I got a two dollar raise. Bitches. That was without blue eye shadow, diet Dr. Pepper, or skirts. Maybe it's because my boss thinks I'm gay. I bet the black girl got a raise too. It helps to be a minority, whatever that means. After twenty minutes I notice that everyone in the office is sans eye shadow. They must have washed it off after they didn't get a raise. It'll be the same thing next year though. Maybe it'll be green eye shadow next year. Maybe Feingold won't be drinking diet sodas. It's not like it helps the fucking lard ass anyway.
User Reviews
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2007-07-29 11:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This round ends in about 30 hours
Submitted by desipalen (user info) at 2006-06-25 17:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm printing and framing this one!!
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-06-23 20:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 16:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sure," she answers, grinning so hard that I expect her face will explode cartoon style, leaving remnants of Barbie girl all over the wall.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-21 18:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU DON'T SMOKE.
THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A LIE.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-06-21 18:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you'd got a raise for serious so i could take off and we could go to atlanta...
Submitted by Nie_ein_Engel (user info) at 2006-06-21 17:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic. Captures office life perfectly.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-21 16:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well I just wanted to let you know that if you're gay, it's okay with us. We don't discriminate against anyone for any reason. We have a black girl working down the hall too."
Wait. He thinks I'm gay? And he thinks that being black and being gay is roughly the same thing? I stare at him.
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why can't loki write stories about work they way you do?
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-21 10:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-21 08:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 for...
I'm not ashamed to say I demanded that they prove it.
Best thing I'd seen all day it was.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-21 08:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sacrilicious wins the joke of the day award. It's the first time a woman has won the award since 1999 when Lindsey Lohan accidently told an Italian chap with dysentry that she was going 'ruin his shit'.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-21 07:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are we supposed to drink from? I'm a big fan of teh gheys, but just because I like a pint and am married to ghola and pay random women to sleep with me every now and then doesn't make me a lesbian.
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Dainty flutes. Nothing you can put your fist inside of.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-21 07:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:54:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
A gay woman drinks from pint glasses. Apparently that's how you tell.
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What are we supposed to drink from? I'm a big fan of teh gheys, but just because I like a pint and am married to ghola and pay random women to sleep with me every now and then doesn't make me a lesbian.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-21 06:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-21 06:13:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
so being surly and poorly dressed makes you a Lesbian?
Well, damn, I guess I must be a lesbian too.
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Film something with Ghola. You'd have to subtitle it though, coz you have a gruff scots voice, and Ghola sounds like Penelope Pittstop from Wacky Races.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-21 06:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so being surly and poorly dressed makes you a Lesbian?
Well, damn, I guess I must be a lesbian too.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-21 05:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
redskieslookfake - If that's the case, I must be a lesbian: http://www.ubersite.com/m/10469
I'd better ask my husband if I'm a lesbian :p
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-21 05:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know if this is a true story or fiction but either way it was brilliant, really funny and well written. Crikey Nora, pull your curlers out and have a butchers at this.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A gay woman drinks from pint glasses. Apparently that's how you tell.
I've only really ever met two lesbians. I've met plenty of dykes - and they're totally different - but goodness-to-honest-just-like-on-the-internet-lesbians - just the two.
I'm not ashamed to say I demanded that they prove it.
Best thing I'd seen all day it was.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think of any more ways to define a woman as un-gay.
When other women give her a friendly hug it makes her cry?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not that I think you're gay of course. You're a total murder ho. I'm sure your boyfriend spends 16 hours a day in bed because he simply is too exhausted to move.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she's not gay?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lets be honest with ourselves. Your boss is doing things, nasty things, that some of us can only dream of doing. It's probably bad management but then again I'm not an expert.
Incidently, he probably thought you where gay because you have short hair.
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes?
Yes.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-21 01:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-06-20 22:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you rule
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-06-20 22:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is actually a fiction piece. I'm a student. I work full time during the summer but this is really nothing like my job.
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my apologies
Submitted by ThoreauMe (user info) at 2006-06-20 22:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-06-20 21:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's because you're useful unlike half the people you work with.
That's why I get raises.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-06-20 21:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The other week I got a raise too. $10/billable hour. It was due to my direct contribution to the profitability of the company. Go me, but still...
...
What company works that way? I didn't understand either. Smile, nod, take the money, keep the resume in pocket for now.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's how gay people are. Mean and poorly dressed. Obviously.
_______________________
Well, only teh ghey wimmenz. Teh ghey menz are always charming and well-kempt.
Be sure to remember your boss's "black = lesbian" equation. What he said is screaming to backfire on him.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are smoking vicariously, through your first person narrative characters, then?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:27:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG!!!!!!!!!! You started with a paragraph that had like 9 sentences!!!!
Now I'll read the story. :)
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actually that's two paragraphs i grouped together so it'd look pretty. just for you. i swear.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is war.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG!!!!!!!!!! You started with a paragraph that had like 9 sentences!!!!
Now I'll read the story. :)
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:55:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
"And he thinks that being black and being gay is roughly the same thing?"
I like that sentence. Otherwise you remind me of my brother: you're poorly dressed, possibly homosexual, and you're too dumb/lazy to get out of a shithole job. On the other hand my brother likes his shithole job so he's actually one up on you. Actually he's not nearly as smart though (I dont particularly know how smart you are mind you, I just know he's not nearly as smart) so I'll call it a draw.
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This is actually a fiction piece. I'm a student. I work full time during the summer but this is really nothing like my job.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"And he thinks that being black and being gay is roughly the same thing?"
I like that sentence. Otherwise you remind me of my brother: you're poorly dressed, possibly homosexual, and you're too dumb/lazy to get out of a shithole job. On the other hand my brother likes his shithole job so he's actually one up on you. Actually he's not nearly as smart though (I dont particularly know how smart you are mind you, I just know he's not nearly as smart) so I'll call it a draw.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on the raise. You should buy some new flip flops to celebrate.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:20:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
6 days..since last..cigarette..keep reading..reminders..of sweet smoke..
I think I'm losing my shit, wifey.
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You can do it. Seriously. I hate cigarettes. I loathe them. Yes i do.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking blue eyeshadow. Renders you soulless, you know.
6 days..since last..cigarette..keep reading..reminders..of sweet smoke..
I think I'm losing my shit, wifey.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-06-20 19:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
most jewish post ever, please gas yourself and dispose of your own body in an unmarked grave