D-Prime Madness: From The Belly Of The Whale (770 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.64 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2006-06-21 15:09:47 EDT
Contest entry: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89324
So there I was, stuck in the belly of a whale. Some might claim that it's because I was naughty and that maybe I deserved it but they don't even know the whole story. All of that is inconsequential though. The story I want to tell you is how I helped save the universe.
So again, I'm sitting in the belly of this whale, nearly vomiting from the nasty smells and sights around me. I mean seriously, if you had had to hang out there you'd probably have gutted yourself, sadly being made of wood that wasn't an option available to me. As I sit there I see this guy crawl up out of the whale's intestine. This guy was huge, and ripped. He looked like he'd be a sure thing for Mr. Universe. So anyway, he stands up and brushes his robes off, lot of good that did him he was still covered in shit, and then he looks at me. "Pinocchio right?" his voice rumbled through the whale's stomach, it was low and the words he spoke came out slow with a heavy Austrian accent.
"Yah. I am Jonah. I need you to help me save the universe. First we will need to pump you up though; you are a puny little girlie man."
I couldn't help it, first of all I'm in the belly of a whale, the guy came out of the whale's crap factory, and he's telling me we have to save the universe, on top of all that he insulted me and is now standing there flexing his muscles. I'm sure you can understand I was a little rattled by the situation.
"Come on you puny little girlie man we have to go now. We will take the portal to the critical moment and then we will save the universe, oh yah we still need to pump you up."
He started to do the flexing thing again and that was finally enough to pull me out of my stupefied silence.
"Hey look man, Jonah? What the hell are you talking about and how did you get here?"
"We don't have time for this. I told them that I'd be back. We need to go now. But first let's pump you up."
He started flexing again and motioned for me to join him.
"First of all I can not be "pumped up" I am made of wood. Second, how are we supposed to go where?"
He looked at me then and finally comprehension dawned on him. "Hahaha. You are a little wooden girlie man."
"Hey, fuck you! At least I'm not wearing a dress."
"Enough Pinocchio. I am sorry I laughed at your puniness. We need to work together to save the universe. Come with me."
With that Jonah walked back to the entrance to the whale's intestine and started backing into it.
"Screw you man. I'm not going in there."
"Don't make me come get you puny little girlie man. I will break you like a twig, which is what you are. Hahaha."
Reluctantly I followed him, following his example and sliding feet first into the whale's bowels. I was astounded to find solid ground beneath me when I finally wriggled through the passage. I opened my eyes and took in the scene around me.
The first thing I noticed was that the sky was white. Not that pale blue you see on a cloudless sunny day but actually stark white. On the horizon were some hills with strange looking trees on them. Finally I looked at the ground and found myself staring at shag orange carpeting. I glanced at Jonah again and caught him flexing his muscles.
"Where the hell are we, who the hell are you, and what the fuck are we doing here?"
"I told you my name is Jonah. I too was swallowed by a whale though in a different time than yours. We are now in a parallel dimension to our own, one that is still tied very strongly to our universe. It is in great peril and we are here to save it."
"Ok, so we save the universe and then what?"
"Then you can go back to your whale."
"Come on, I don't want to go back to that cesspool. If I'm gonna save the damn universe I should be hooked up."
"You will help me and you will return to your whale. I will tell you how to get out of the whale before you go back though."
"Fuck me. Whatever, let's get this done."
Jonah told me then that he'd been visited, while in the belly of his whale, by a man from the future. This man appeared in front of Jonas and startled him. Jonah said he tried to tackle the man but instead fell right through him. He said the man said he was a hollygram and that he was not actually there. The man instructed Jonah to use the whale portal's he'd arranged to go get me and then return to this dimension. He said the hollygram told him that when we both reached this dimension further instructions would be provided.
Just as Jonah finished the recounting of his tale a figure popped up out of the ground.
"Ib. Glad to see you guys could make it. I was getting a little worried there. Introduced yourselves? Done all the catch up? Ib. This is what you'll need to do. Pinocchio, I'm told that when you lie your nose grows, is this true?"
"No. aww fuck!"
"Alright, ib. In the center of the temple there is a button that will activate the temple's force shield. The nasty little bastards that are trying to destroy it somehow managed to disable it but if we can get to the button they'll be destroyed and the universe will be saved.
They're protecting the temple vehemently while they work to destroy it but we believe using your nose we should be able to activate the shield from a distance. You're gonna need to lie like it's going out of style though because the ones trying to destroy the temple are termites."
"Fuck that noise. You do know that I am made of wood right?"
"You are our only chance. It is dangerous for you and surely will hurt but we think we've found a repellant to apply as your nose grows that will at least slow them down. Pinocchio, if there's anyone you've ever cared for you must do this for them, do it for yourself."
"I'll do it but I want to be a real boy when this is done and over with."
"You heard your fairy godmother, that is something that can only be attained by being a good boy. Perhaps this will be enough."
"Jonah, you are going to apply the repellant and keep any of the termites from attacking Pinocchio's body."
"That's it? I am a big manly man can't I do something cool instead of waxing the little puny girly man's wood?"
"Those are your tasks. If you will try then I will direct you to the place you need to be. I will also insure your tales of being trapped in a whale's body will be known throughout history."
"Fine, whatever, let's get it over with."
So he directed us to the temple and when we arrived there we found it surrounded by millions of termites. We went to the spot where he told us to look for the button and saw that the guard was heaviest there.
"Nothing to it but to do it eh Jonah? Start slapping that polish on my nob."
So we took our positions, Jonah below me, waxing my nose as I started telling lies. My nose slowly grew until it was above the perimeter guard around the palace. As soon as my nose cast a shadow over them they sent a scout to figure out what it was. I could hear the scout yelling to his command that it was wood. I involuntarily shuddered as I saw the little bastards break rank and rush for my nose.
"Jonah, help me man! They're attacking me! Help!"
"It's ok girly man, look they can't get through the repellent, keep lying."
So I lied some more but it was taking forever and I could swear I could feel some of the termites getting through.
"Jonah, I think they're getting through. Isn't there anything we can do?"
"Tell bigger lies?"
"That might work. Alright, let's see...... Got it. I am not a liar."
"That's not a big lie."
"Fine, I like boys."
"Why didn't it grow?"
"Fuck you, stupid nose that's not funny. Hmmmm....... I never touch wood?"
With that my nose grew at an astounding rate so I stood there repeating it. As my nose got ever closer to the button the termites began to regroup. Half of them were headed straight toward us and the other half were assaulting my nose with a new energy. I could feel them penetrating the repellent now and it hurt like a bitch. I shook my head and sent many of them flying but as soon as I resumed my new mantra it seemed as though millions replaced the ones I'd shaken off.
And then they did it. They penetrated the repellent near the tip of my longest appendage. I screamed in agony and Jonah gently reminded me to keep lying. I wailed the words now willing it to be the biggest lie in the world, which it was; I'm always touching my wood. Suddenly Jonah stopped slapping the repellent on my ever growing nose. I thought he was dancing for a second before I noticed the swarm of termites he was jumping on. He couldn't stop them all. I felt them biting me and realized it was now or never.
With one last effort I shouted for the world to hear. "I DID NOT FUCK OUR GOAT!"
My nose exploded and covered the remaining distance. Everything stopped then. The termites and Jonah were all staring at me with their mouths open. "What? It was only one time. Aw shit." My nose was now too long.
I backed up as much as I could trying to position the tip of my nose to hit the button and finally managed it. The termites screamed in unison as they were obliterated and I felt my nose break as it was cut in the middle by the force shield.
"Good work girly man, you just saved the universe."
"Look, this is a little awkward. Can we keep it between us?"
He sniggered then and I could tell he was trying not to laugh, he finally managed to gasp "yeah, sure".
"Shut up fucker and get me home."
Jonah took me back to the portal and told me how to return to the whale and then how to escape him. I guess you know the rest. I returned to the whale to find my maker looking for me. We escaped the whale and eventually I became a real boy. I've never told this story to anyone but you and I'm sure you might understand why but I figure someone's got to know that I once saved the universe from the belly of a whale.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This round ends in about 30 hours
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-06-29 10:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 19:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:55:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
I'm amazed neither of you went all "Mariner's Revenge Song" with this title.
==========
"Find him, bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave.."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
I'm amazed neither of you went all "Mariner's Revenge Song" with this title.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My competition's piece: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89547
Nice job
Submitted by JoeQuinn57 (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was funny and did make me smile.
P.S. - the fact that it's a blog on a non-blogging site is sorta the point. Also I love the ridiculous salutations. I'm really not all that religious. An example salutation would be like "inside of you always" or whatnot. It's just always something you wouldn't see coming from the person writing the blog. I also didn't know it was bad form to rate yourself. Live and learn. I'm new here.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not to be considered a 'non-rating user'
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit mang.
Now stop badgering me, I'm trying to beat off.
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 05:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was ok.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah...... you probably won this. I'm still debating about how I'm going to approach this.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it was going to be a +1.5, but you can thank the asshole below for the +.5 bump-up
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-21 20:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My hand slipped and hit -2.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-21 20:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Look, this is a little awkward. Can we keep it between us?"
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-21 20:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-21 16:10:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
very entertaining.
doesn't look like you proof read it though. good deal of errors.
still entertaining enough to warrant a +2.
=====
At least he didn't swap 'breaks' for 'brakes', miss wannabe
grammatical snob with no education. :)
............
Great story!!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-06-21 20:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-06-21 19:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-06-21 16:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I DID NOT FUCK OUR GOAT!"
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-06-21 16:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very entertaining.
doesn't look like you proof read it though. good deal of errors.
still entertaining enough to warrant a +2.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking wow.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
read it the first time, and it was absolutley fucking incredibly money.
read it a second time, and jonah started to sound like arnold swchwartzanigger.
even better.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You are a little wooden girlie man"
+2 just for that!
Funny stuff.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Look, this is a little awkward. Can we keep it between us?"
Man, oh man, how many times have I said this?
This was fun to read.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't intend this to be this long but i started writing and it just went. thanks all for reading.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A little long for me but enjoyable none the less...
Submitted by TJJOB (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Completely random. Perfect.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They haven't come, by the way... but I have faith they will.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-21 15:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wwwooooo uberbooks!