D-Prime Madness: Stand On Your Seat (878 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.45 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-06-22 00:17:14 EDT
"Dan", Tiffany yelled from across the apartment.
"Yeah", I respond with the frustration that a man feels when he is trying to focus on a world cup game. It's not every year the games happen, and I was savoring every second.
"Could you tell me again why there is a chair in the bathroom?"
"It's because I'm tired of getting my cock wet when I take a piss, and the last time I tried to stand on the seat, the moisture from the hot shower I took caused me to slip and hit my forehead on the sink, after which I invented the Flux Capacitor"
The silence afterwards told me one of two things: she was either thinking of a witty response, or, she was sick of my juvenile antics. The latter was manifested in the fact that when I looked up towards the bathroom door, she was staring at me with her eyes squinted, waiting for a real answer. Apparently she isn't a big fan of huge cocks. Or "Back to the Future".
"I was changing the light in the ceiling", I amend and I turn back to the business as hand, which was USA getting their asses handed to them.
Shit.
At least the evening wouldn't be too disappointing; I still had a beautiful woman to sleep with. It's funny how much I missed the company while lying in bed drifting off to sleep. For a while, I thought that it would never happen again. The last few years, companionship was the last thing on my mind. There was work, study, starting a business, plenty of other things to keep me occupied; but when I walk into the room and see my beautiful seductress in her negligee, everything else is put on hold. At least for a few hours.
Not only was she drop-dead gorgeous, but she was also an adventurer. A photo-journalist, she had been covering news in Afghanistan for the last two years. She had been to twenty-one countries in the last three years and she had the ambiance and attitude of a traveler, if there was such a thing. She had seen more of the world than I could ever hope to and I liked that. There really is something to dating someone who can discuss things other than Hollywood breakups, or the latest sexual compatibility quiz in Cosmo.
I walk into the bathroom that is in my room to get ready for bed and see the chair in question. I chuckle to myself at my smart-assed comment from earlier. She sure didn't have much of a sense of humor, but I was working on that everyday. Besides, she had to develop one, I don't know if I could be with someone who didn't like to laugh.
I turn the water on and get my toothbrush from its holster, right next to hers. It makes me somewhat nervous having her moving her toiletry items in, like she's going to throw a coup d'Etat in my bathroom. Next thing I know she's going to put one of those stupid, frilly toilet seat covers on. (You know the ones, which make sure that you have only one hand to hold your wang because the other one is occupied with the task of holding the lid up while you're taking a piss. God I hate those fucking things.) I'm brushing my teeth when she hollers at me.
"What are you doing?"
"Bruffing my teef" I reply over a mouthful of Colagate with those little breath strips in it. (as if there is any other kind)
"Well could you move faster? I'm cold" she teases me.
I spit the toothpaste out, rinse my mouth out with cool water and take a deep breath of minty goodness before replying.
"I'll warm you up baby, but my name is Dan. I'm not a character from 'The Lion King'"
"I said, 'Move Faster', not, 'Mufasa' Jack-ass."
I climb into bed and under the covers, snuggling up to her. "Jesus, you're in a mood tonight". The closeness of her body makes me pitch a man-tent in my pajama bottoms.
"I'm sorry babe, I'm just horny and I'm leaving in less than a week for Kabul."
I squeeze her buttocks gently. God it's so nice to grab some ass every now and again. "Where do you stay when you go there, in a tent?"
"Actually," she replies, starting to tease at my incredibly engorged member "I'm staying at the Mustafa Hotel. We have phones and internet there, so you can reach me whenever. I'll give you the numb-"
"Wait, the little fucking Lion has his own hotel there? Terrorists sure must love Disney!"
She puts her unoccupied hand over my mouth. There are no more words.
*Unfortunately, the next scene cannot be written, as the English language could not do justice to the sexual escapades that ensued. Kanji might, but I dropped out of it freshman year.*
Fifteen seconds later and I'm out like a Che Guevara T-shirt.
"Wake up Dan; I want to talk to you". The words every man hates to hear as they are trying to drift off into post-coidal slumber.
"But sweetie" I reply sluggishly, "You know I have to get up early to play golf with some potential clients".
"Pshh, what's early?" She questions, knowing my propensity to sleep in.
"It's the opposite of late, but that's not what's important here". I smile, making sure to face away from her.
"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, LESLIE NIELSON?" she snaps like a bullwhip (which, by the way, is a little unorthodox. I mean, its intent is obviously to whip bulls, and they are made of leather. It's sort of like beating someone with an arm that was ripped off of someone else). She is obviously pissed at my repetitious attempts to make her laugh.
"Whoa. Maybe you should just stay at your place tonight, I really don't need this shit right now"
"Maybe I will", she says.
She gets out of bed and packs her negligee into her overnight bag, switching them out for jeans and a halter top. She then walks to the door and opens it.
But wait, there is hesitation. She closes the door and turns to me.
"You know, I was really having a good time with you. I thought that we were working out just fine. Then you go and do something like this. What am I supposed to do now?"
Her eyes are wide with question those luminous eyes about to burst with salinity. I feel bad now.
My reply is full of care, and understanding, "Just go home, take a nice long, hot shower....and stand on your seat"
The door slams.
Meh, single life isn't that bad.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This round ends in about 30 hours
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-27 10:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-26 15:07:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
OH NOES BOB, we are pitted against each other with a title of; New World Order?
WTG?!!?!?
I wonder what kind of pun you have brewing in your mind.
---------------------------
I dunno, I am actually going to have to sit down and come up with something. The last one just came to me when I read the title...
Good Luck
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-26 19:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-26 15:01:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
New World Order?
How cliche!
5HOULD I7 B3 ABOUT TEH WRESTLING OR AN ANTI-CLIMATIC-POST-APOCYLYPTIC TALE OF DEATH, DESTRUCTION AND MAYHEM?
Any thoughts?
------------------------------
Write about all the planets getting in a argument with their neighbour so they realign. Then show the effects on different planets.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-25 20:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, good luck in the second round...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 16:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not up to par with what you're capable of, but you're also usually not dealing with ridiculous titles like this.
So +2 for that.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-22 20:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's actually a little of both Dr. Weasel.
Hi Anansie, I'm sure I'll come up with something better when this contest is finished.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-22 19:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad you posted, however.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-22 19:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In the interest of being completely honest, this had a couple of good lines in it, but compared it to your usual stuff, it's just not as good. I can tell you were having trouble.
Now check your email.
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-06-22 19:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't like the ending... too: "I'm the feminism-backlash woman-hater tryin to be THE MAN" for me, made you sound like a fucking idiot.
If this is real, you really are a moron.
If it's not, then you write like a moron.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ssspunkstaa (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:33:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha "Mufasa"
"do it again"
"Mufasa"
"Ooooh"
"Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa"....
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I loved this line...
You know the ones, which make sure that you have only one hand to hold your wang because the other one is occupied with the task of holding the lid up while you're taking a piss. God I hate those fucking things.)
But I wasnt a big fan of the ending.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-22 06:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I felt it kind of lost itself towards the end.
US did very well against Italy. Hopefully the filthy play will have thrown the wops off their game and ruin their ability to compete with the big names.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-06-22 03:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Funny, Thanks for a good start to my day.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-06-22 02:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You managed to salvage a good piece out of a shitty title. I like your humor.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-22 01:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:36:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
let me know when the writers block ends...
-----------------------------------------
Will do.
I'm thinking by the end of the Summer.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:47:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's because I'm tired of getting my cock wet when I take a piss, and the last time I tried to stand on the seat, the moisture from the hot shower I took caused me to slip and hit my forehead on the sink, after which I invented the Flux Capacitor"
GOLD.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's because I'm tired of getting my cock wet when I take a piss, and the last time I tried to stand on the seat, the moisture from the hot shower I took caused me to slip and hit my forehead on the sink, after which I invented the Flux Capacitor"
GOLD.
Now..can you harness this lightning for me, Dan?
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
let me know when the writers block ends...
Submitted by ssspunkstaa (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha "Mufasa"
"do it again"
"Mufasa"
"Ooooh"
"Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa"....
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
_, this made me laugh my ass off.
Why am I in my office right now?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you ThoreauMe. Glad you had a good time, because I almost passed out from the pain my brain was putting me through.
Writer's block has been hovering over me for months.
Probably because I never leave the house, thus there is no fuel for a post.
I NEED SUNLIGHT!
Submitted by ThoreauMe (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-22 00:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I drew a blank too Bubba.
Fuck