A Holy War (part 4) (366 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: Holy-War
Rating: 1 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2006-06-22 06:39:43 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89377 part 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89413 part 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89455 part 3
Dan quickly got to settling himself within his new quarters. He jumped onto one of the beds expecting it to be made of cloud, and cushion his fall appropriately. It was not like the books said. He landed with a thump on the heavy set bed, suddenly gasping for air. The fall had knocked all the wind out of him.
He got up and rubbing his back methodically said
"This is going to be a long trip."
"It only gets worse from here on out." Dan spun on his heels as a young man entered the room. He looked the same age as Dan, but he had a presence, an aura of knowledge about him that made Dan feel incompetent or inadequate. He just made Dan feel inferior.
"Sorry man didn't see you come in," with an out stretched hand Dan went to shake the young mans hand. "I'm Dan"
"Ah yes Dante. I have heard a lot about you." Dan suddenly felt important. "Not much nice I'm afraid though. People are some what reluctant to entrust the forces of Heaven to one so young, especially one...human." The word human was uttered like a curse word. Dan was about to pick up on this when the young man spoke first.
"I am Jonah. Before you ask let me just say that I hold no prejudice against...your kind. I am of course, born of Angelic holiness and as such have never been to earth. So I only know what I have learnt from books."
"Sure man whatever. That's great. Do you have some wings?" Dan instantly felt like a child asking to see a new toy.
"In Heaven you have to earn the privilege to have wings. I have not had the opportunity to choose my profession as of yet. Therefore I do not know whether or not I need wings." Dan was shocked that even in Heaven people had jobs.
"So even though this is meant to be the most blissful place ever, you still have jobs. Dude, that's kind of weak. Next you're going to tell me there is a currency!"
"What's strange about us having jobs, or currency for that matter? In Heaven currency is...well it's hard to explain. I guess you will just have to find out. Now as far as professions go, it's pretty simple. You have the people of Knowledge who research constantly seeking too expand their minds. Then you have...what's a word you will understand...maintenance Angels? Yes, well they look after the general running of heaven and make sure everything is balanced."
"Do you have any musical or cliché Angels? You know harps, tunics, halos etc. Any of those guys kicking around?"
"No we abandoned the classic look because it became more of a joke than anything. So as I was saying, there are Politician angels, but it's more of a voting senate. Finally the warrior Angels, they posses great strength, and years of training to achieve the level of powers they do. They are commanded by an Angel called Nathaniel at the present, but he is also a Keeper of the Knowledge."
The Angel looked at Dan as if he should know what this meant. Dan clearly had no idea. Jonah let out a sigh,
"A Keeper has Unfathomable power and a Warrior Keeper is amongst the most powerful in Heaven. However through their research they believe there is someone who can save Heaven."
"Surely it would be an Angel?"
"No. Definatly not an Angel."
"Benedict said-"
"Benedict was joking. Not many people with whom to joke with around here. No there are only two possibilities as to who the supposed 'one' is, you and the other human."
"So explain to me why you're here man?"
"Simple, I'm your Guardian"
"Dude I'm twenty. I don't need a Guardian."
"You do. Trust me. Don't worry, I'm here to help not hinder."
"Seriously man that's fucking weak-"a hand slapped Dan across the face, he instantly threw a strong well aimed punch and hit Jonah on the nose. He didn't even flinch.
"You have been told the rules. No swearing was one of them. Please respect them." Blood was dripping from Jonahs nose. It was strange, it didn't look right, it wasn't flowing out...it was flowing into his nose.
"Ok look I'm sorry I hit you back, but what the fu-...what on earth is going on with your blood. It's going back into your fu- into your nose."
"Your punch was mortal. You don't have any real power, strength or talent yet. In time you can do this" he motioned to his nose, " and much more...if you follow the rules. You are basically clay waiting to take shape, I will help mould you.
"What are we waiting for? Mould me!"
"I think it's time to start your lessons, don't you?"
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-05 09:54:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to rate every one of your posts with a +2 without reading them.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-26 16:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo brings up a good point. Maybe you should finish the entire thing first. Then post the parts to it.
Dan says dude and man a little bit too much. I mean i know stoners and they say it alot. But i know they act up when in the prescence of something superior( i dunno maybe an angel?)
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this series
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-06-04 22:38:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story, and I had a good time reading it. Did you write this and post it right away? Maybe you should let your stories sit for a few days and read them again... some of the sentences were really awkward, and some basic sentence structure errors took away from the story.
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I received this review on one of my posts and it holds sound advice methinks.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It might be interesting to compile your story line into a few paragraphs and stick it out there as a contest (after the current ones are over). Best story based on the idea, ratings decide the winner.
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I like this idea.
I also agree with previous comments so +1 for effort and sticking in there, I would also be interested to see where it goes eventually.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not a contest sort of person. I think DC raises a really good point and I think I am writing this as a book as opposed to a collection of short stories. I will definitely take this into consideration. I will start writing the next bit now. What do you want to see though? I'm happy to progress as you guys want. I just realised I'm stealing this almost formulaic writing from Feist. Hmmm. Well I appreciate the criticism and if you stick this series out hopefully by the end I might be a better writer.
C/ Hour_man
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-06-22 08:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"This is going to be a long trip."
"It only gets worse from here on out."
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So very true, unfortunately. The idea could be made into something but it's just not happening here.
It might be interesting to compile your story line into a few paragraphs and stick it out there as a contest (after the current ones are over). Best story based on the idea, ratings decide the winner.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-22 08:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
DC has a valid point. But I still like the story and want to see where it goes.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 07:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'this entire section of the post'=this entire post/section of the series
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 07:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you read this back as if someone else wrote it and then edit it?
Look I'll change a bit quickly.
[
Dan quickly got to settling himself in his new quarters. He jumped onto one of the beds expecting it to be made of cloud. It wasn't.
He got up rubbing his back methodically
"This is going to be a long trip."
"It only gets worse from here on out." Dan turned round to see a young man enter the room. He looked the same age as Dan, but he had presence, an aura of knowledge about him that made Dan feel humble and inferior.
"Hi" Dan went to shake the young mans hand. "I'm Dan"
"Ah yes, Dante. I have heard much of you."
]
I'm definately not happy with that either...the big point, or one of them is that you write too much for each event, when each section of the series is so short and each event used so many words half the problem is that theres nothing happening. This entire section of the post is less than 2 minutes if you act it out in your head.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 07:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep bashing your head against a wall for long eno...wait that metaphor isn't going anywhere.
If at first you fail try again. and again, and again.
*counting*
And again. ask for con crit, it will help you improove, look at me....okay bad example. Look at shakespear, he could barely spell, stoned off his face all the time...now he gets taught to kids.
Can't help thinking we can't really complain about kids not using correct grammar and spelling these days.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-22 07:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahh fucking hell. I might just give up.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 07:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I sort of admire your persistance, but not really.