Spiders suck (another army story with hot spider on spider action) (1136 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Military
Rating: 1.51 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Skatch (View user info) at 2006-06-22 09:22:40 EDT
Overnights in Afghanistan usually consisted of me sitting in the office watching TV and eating beef jerky. My purpose was twofold: To keep an eye out for any major happenings in the country which I would have to wake up people for, and to get me away from my commander.
One fateful night I was actually charged with work, consisting of me taking the tapes recorded by the Army broadcasters and digitizing them. Basically I took the tapes and recorded them onto the computer. While this was not a difficult task, it did incarcerate me onto the one computer without the internet.
While watching the General talk about something on the computer, I noticed a blur out of the corner of my eye. I have been convinced for many years that I am slightly insane, and this wouldn't be the first time my eyes played tricks on me, so I ignored it. I didn't even raise my head to look.
About a half hour rolls by. I've discovered that I don't have to stay at the computer for digitizing while it actually recording, and have got the TV on. Surfing, watching and...there it was again. That blur, but this time I got a closer look at it. Not enough to be completely sure about it, but just enough time to be freaked out that it's a spider. I don't like spiders. Small ones not crawling on my face don't bother me, big ones behind glass at the zoo don't freak me out, but one the size of my shoe running around my office gave me the willies.
It also had ran and hid near my only exit.
So now I have a conundrum. Do I pretend it's not real? Do I try to flush it out into the medical officer's office?
Or get my smoking buddy from the personnel office to come over and see if it attacks her?
The walls in this particular structure are made of thin metal, so I walk to one of the walls and bang on it.
"Rupert, are you in there?" (I have no idea what her first name was)
"Yeah, you want to go smoke?" came the muffled reply
"Sure, come over to my office first, I got something I have to finish up." I waited, and she came in. A small smile on her face and an ignorance I wish I possessed. But luckily, nothing.
We went to smoke, and I told her of the spider, leaving out the fact that she was my spider bait. She laughed it off and told me that the spider was probably as scared of me as I was of it. I hate when people say this. How many frightened snakes have bitten the shit out of people this year? I choose to not find out.
So back to the office I go, and for a good hour, nothing happens. I go to the two a.m. meeting and decide to get back to my work, making sure to keep my feet off the floor to protect me from a sneak attack.
Now, once upon a time, we had a Marine captain in the office, and if you know anything about officers, they all need a desk. Since he left, the two little cubical walls were used to cordon off our mini fridge and microwave with a right angle. This is when the spider decided to make it's second move, running in between the walls and stopping, one leg sticking out and waving at me.
Spider: hello little one
Me: (girly scream)
I toyed with the idea of letting a few rounds go at it, but remembered the floor was that thin gray carpet that comes in square feet nailed to plywood. There was an Air Force Captain a few weeks earlier who ended up putting a hole through a wall, a computer and imbedded into a desk. This is why you UNLOAD YOUR FUCKING GUN before you clean it. This is why I really don't put much stock behind the diploma thing.
But anyway, I'm screaming like a girl while a spider waves at me. This is traumatic because just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't all out to get you.
And this is how it went all night. The spider would scare the shit out of me every half hour or so running across the floor, and I would freak and have my pulse raised a few beats per second while I imagined it laying eggs in my brain. At one point, I thought I could hear it running across the floor. Eight legs thwacking on the floor as it decided it's best plan of attack on my fragile body with its psychological war on Skatch.
About four in the morning, the spider decided to hide out and not show again. It hid near some of the video camera bags, and though I knew the broadcasters had to go out and shoot that morning, I decided to allow the spider his sleep. Maybe it was a figure of my imagination. Perhaps God thinks it's funny to fuck with me. Both are possible.
That morning the Major came in and I gave my report and went into the morning briefing. Once I came back I listened to her babble about something for a good five minutes while I decided if going to the gym was a good idea, or if I should get to those South Park bootlegs I picked up earlier that day.
She stops talking. I grab my shit and make for the door. She and PFC Sims, also a female put their heads down and prepare for the day. I would have stepped on it if I didn't think it could have grabbed my boot and WWE'd me through the wall. But I'd still leave the body if I had killed it. I'm not clean up, I'm just the hunter
Skatch: By the way, there's a huge fucking spider running around here somewhere. I think it's a tarantula of some kind, maybe a camel spider.
Both freak. As I run out the door, I hear a feeble "Wait, where is it!?" but it's too late. Smoke on the wind and I'm gone.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-23 05:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scene from Aliens with the sentry guns.
Shit man - that would be scary.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-23 05:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-23 05:29:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
ONLY 10mph is all well and good, but I probably top out at about that, and I bet those fuckers can keep it up for longer.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-23 03:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Camel spiders (so named because, like camels, they can be found in sandy desert regions, although they aren't technically spiders) grow to be moderately large (about a 5"-6" leg span), but nowhere near as large as dinner plates; they can move very quickly in comparison to other arthropods (a top speed of maybe 10 MPH), but nothing close 25 MPH; they make no noise;
I'd rather the bastards made the shrieking sounds. Then I'd throw grenades at it.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-06-23 03:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ewwwwwwwwww...I can't even look at that picture without feeling physically ill
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-23 02:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:06:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to freak out when I saw a spider and I'd call my mom to come over to kill it. Now I only freak out if a spider is on me. It's strange because I've always been afraid of small house spiders like daddy long legs but I'm totally fine with tarantulas.
I think I'd die if I saw one of those things crawling around on the floor unless it was behind glass. I bet they're pretty fast huh?
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Apparently they explode if the fall from a small hight. My friend used to own one, it jumped off a shelf and he was finding bits of tarantula in his room for days.
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-06-22 13:50:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess the military can't prepare you for EVERYTHING.
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I can kill a man with little hesitation, but cannot, for the life of me, ever deal with this.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn good photoshop.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-22 14:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet that it is good eating.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-06-22 13:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess the military can't prepare you for EVERYTHING.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Here, have a +1 and leave me the fuck alone.
Also, a somewhat live-action demonstration of a camel spider courtesy of Kracka:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72447
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now I watched the video. Pimptastic.
Still gross little fuckers though. Who uses their face as a shovel? Crazy people and camel spiders apparently.
Submitted by sealclubber (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:45:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.snopes.com/photos/bugs/camelspider.asp
watch the video at the bottom. scorpions are pussies compared to these things
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1. Spiders are mostly harmless. Most of them have very poor vision so they can't even see you.
2.Camel spiders are NOT spiders. They ARE Arachnids but they are not spiders, theyre Order Solifugae, wheras 'true' spiders are order Araneae.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent read.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:35:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Giant Camel spiders make baby Jeebus SCREAM AND CRY LIKE A TRANSVESTITE WITH A BROKEN NAIL.
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hahahahaha
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to freak out when I saw a spider and I'd call my mom to come over to kill it. Now I only freak out if a spider is on me. It's strange because I've always been afraid of small house spiders like daddy long legs but I'm totally fine with tarantulas.
I think I'd die if I saw one of those things crawling around on the floor unless it was behind glass. I bet they're pretty fast huh?
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That should do it
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Accimadently -2'd ya
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit, sorry
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:48:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:45:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
"But anyway, I'm screaming like a girl while a spider waves at me"
Classic!
*shudder* I've heard stories about those things.
Apparently they make a noise like a small high pitched scream or summin.
Well, they love the shade and if they're ever out in the open and you happen to walk past, they'll make a break for the shade (your shadow) screaming all the way. I'm not sure about anyone else but that would pretty much be enough for me to torpedo my colon through my ass.
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That's all just something they tell the FNGs when they get into country. There's a Snopes article lower in the comments that links to the truth.
They're still nasty
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Oooh look at my pretty bubble everybo.. *POP*
Damn, burst
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:53:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
When my husband was in Iraq, they caught scorpions and made them fight.
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they do that in texas.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When my husband was in Iraq, they caught scorpions and made them fight.
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:45:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
"But anyway, I'm screaming like a girl while a spider waves at me"
Classic!
*shudder* I've heard stories about those things.
Apparently they make a noise like a small high pitched scream or summin.
Well, they love the shade and if they're ever out in the open and you happen to walk past, they'll make a break for the shade (your shadow) screaming all the way. I'm not sure about anyone else but that would pretty much be enough for me to torpedo my colon through my ass.
-----------------------
That's all just something they tell the FNGs when they get into country. There's a Snopes article lower in the comments that links to the truth.
They're still nasty
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But anyway, I'm screaming like a girl while a spider waves at me"
Classic!
*shudder* I've heard stories about those things.
Apparently they make a noise like a small high pitched scream or summin.
Well, they love the shade and if they're ever out in the open and you happen to walk past, they'll make a break for the shade (your shadow) screaming all the way. I'm not sure about anyone else but that would pretty much be enough for me to torpedo my colon through my ass.
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think fighting spiders would be good. Apparently, the one on the bottom of the picture is eating the other one.
Oh, and I'm scared to death of anything like this, so you go catch them. I imagine it would be like Pokemon
Submitted by sealclubber (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you're ever bored someday catch 2 of those fuckers with a box or bucket or something, and make them fight. Then post a video.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my GOD!
ew ew ew ew ew
I just got shivers looking at that. Must go smoke now.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MyNameIsTime is such a floppy vagina.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:15:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:12:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love england. The worstest monster we have is the bumblebee.
I reckon a cat could kill that thing. Cats are hardcore.
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What about the triple striped townie?
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aka "El Chupechavra"
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!
i read the snopes article, but i dont' care one bit. if i had a gun, and saw one of those things, i would empty whatever quantity of bullets i possessed in it's general direction regardless of the ramifications.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh, I hate spiders. I was there, living in the desert, during the last "war" and thankfully I was not subjected to seeing those. I'm sure they were around and of course we were warned about them. If I had seen one, I'm sure I would have packed my bags and made my way home regardless of an AWOL status. I'm a pussy when it comes to spiders!!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:12:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love england. The worstest monster we have is the bumblebee.
I reckon a cat could kill that thing. Cats are hardcore.
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What about the triple striped townie?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love england. The worstest monster we have is the bumblebee.
I reckon a cat could kill that thing. Cats are hardcore.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I once got attacked by a Camel Toe
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking HATE spiders!
When was this. I think my Dad was out there at the time.
You didn't a have a bunch of RAF personnel out there setting up an airfield or something on your base did you?
That's a fucking horrible sentence.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cut off their heads and put a fleshlight attachment on the throats
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so i woulda just pissed myself and fainted. you have more balls than i do. which of course is a good thing cuz i'm a girl. i flipped out over these two daddy long legs that were chillin near a photo box i was going through. one of them twitched a leg and i spent half an hour macing them with lysol. lysol does not kills spiders instantly but you can drown them and irritate them to death. i think i got a little lack-of-oxygen high from that.
*shudder*
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So what you are saying is that he jizzes on the ground and the impregnates his bitch via fisting? Man, spiders are kinky mofos.
By the way, why the fuck are you gonna scream like a girl when I'm damn sure you've got access to a gun or a heavy object that could kill this quasi-spider? Seriously man, if I was a King Cobra or something slithering around that's one thing, but a freakin' spider?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:44:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:42:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solifugae (I loathe quoting Wikipedia, but hey, it's thursday)
"The most distinctive feature of Solifugae is their large chelicerae. Each of the two chelicerae are composed of two articles forming a powerful pincer; each article bears a variable number of teeth. Males in all families but Eremobatidae possess a flagellum on the basal article of the chelicera. Solifugae also have long pedipalps, which function as sense organs similar to insects' antennae and give the appearance of the two extra legs. Pedipalps terminate in eversible adhesive organs."
"Reproduction can involve direct or indirect sperm transfer; when indirect, the male emits a spermatophore on the ground and then inserts it with his chelicerae in the female's genital pore."
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English mudafuker?
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Good point... It says "It has big pincer jaws, the males having teeth. It has 2 extra legs at the front that aren't used for walking, but as antennae like an insect."
Fuggin biologists and their long words...
The last bit I already explained...
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.snopes.com/photos/bugs/camelspider.asp
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:42:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solifugae (I loathe quoting Wikipedia, but hey, it's thursday)
"The most distinctive feature of Solifugae is their large chelicerae. Each of the two chelicerae are composed of two articles forming a powerful pincer; each article bears a variable number of teeth. Males in all families but Eremobatidae possess a flagellum on the basal article of the chelicera. Solifugae also have long pedipalps, which function as sense organs similar to insects' antennae and give the appearance of the two extra legs. Pedipalps terminate in eversible adhesive organs."
"Reproduction can involve direct or indirect sperm transfer; when indirect, the male emits a spermatophore on the ground and then inserts it with his chelicerae in the female's genital pore."
____________________________________________________________________________________-
English mudafuker?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solifugae (I loathe quoting Wikipedia, but hey, it's thursday)
"The most distinctive feature of Solifugae is their large chelicerae. Each of the two chelicerae are composed of two articles forming a powerful pincer; each article bears a variable number of teeth. Males in all families but Eremobatidae possess a flagellum on the basal article of the chelicera. Solifugae also have long pedipalps, which function as sense organs similar to insects' antennae and give the appearance of the two extra legs. Pedipalps terminate in eversible adhesive organs."
"Reproduction can involve direct or indirect sperm transfer; when indirect, the male emits a spermatophore on the ground and then inserts it with his chelicerae in the female's genital pore."
You get that? HE LICKS UP HIS OWN CUM AND RUBS IT INTO HER VAG.
New fetish for Berty?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mumble mumble mumble mars bar mumble mumble mumble banned from portsmouth mumble mumble mumble can't eat spaggheti anymore mumble mumble mumble bastard spiders mumble mumble
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
they technically aren't because they have the wrong body parts. Spiders have three while the Camel Spider only has two. and that picture is kinda force perception. The things don't get any bigger than your hand
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is easily the most horrifying thing I've ever seen.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Giant Camel spiders make baby Jeebus SCREAM AND CRY LIKE A TRANSVESTITE WITH A BROKEN NAIL.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good point.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:29:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard those things aren't really spiders . . . technically.
So you're a dirty fuckin' liar.
How you like them apples, HUH?!
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If it wants to be a spider I'm not going to argue with it
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Run for the hills, the fucking spiders are attacking.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard those things aren't really spiders . . . technically.
So you're a dirty fuckin' liar.
How you like them apples, HUH?!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I THINK I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH A WHOLE LOT
I FUCKING HATE SPIDERS
THANKS DICK