New York needs its bums. (1272 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.91 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by katy (View user info) at 2006-06-22 15:06:19 EDT
No, seriously. Getting directions from a New Yorker is near impossible.
I've been to New York a bunch of times in my life but not enough times, or for more than a day trip, so I'm fairly unsure of where I'm going just about all the time. I'm currently setting aside funding for the weekend I'll be spending there just so I never have to ask for directions.
I went to Manhattan yesterday and it was fairly pleasant. I had one very shitty map at the back of someone else's guidebook and some mapquest directions. So I got lost for an hour. Somewhere between turn left on W 14th and right on Washington I made a mistake. This is not the first time I've gone the wrong way but this was definitely the first time I was driving alone without a decent map.
Traffic wasn't bad at all going in. There was one smash up on the Cross Bronx but it only knocked out one lane and we were still flowing along at a good pace. Clear day, good weather, not too hot. There were a couple full stops that allowed me to get in the car on the way there so even those didn't bother me. Apparently though I wasn't too bad at holding my own and looking at my crappy map at the same time though because I only got beeped at once and only got called a cunt once. I consider that not so bad.
But either way, I got lost, I didn't have the money to buy a map because the last of it had basically gone into my gas tank until today. I live paycheck to paycheck so bribery was outta the question. Yeah, yeah laugh at teh loser at least I pay my bills and taxes. I had no one to call because I don't own a cell. I hate them but I'm guessing I will be purchasing one shortly after I find a new job.
This is what I've discovered about trying to get directions in New York. All of this has happened to me at one point or another so tourists take heed.
1) Never ask a white cop. They hate you and don't want to help you. Even if you're an english-speaking american and white as well, they still hate you and will not give you directions. They will either a) ignore you, b) tell you to go away (or get the fuck outta here coloquially) or c) point you in the opposite direction.
2) Never ask a blonde. For some reason any blonde person ever asked directions of turns out to be a recent polish/russian/hungarian/eastern-iron-curtain type european who tells you dirty things in their language or also tells you to get the fuck outta here in broken, accented english. If you're a chick and you ask a blonde chick, she thinks you're scum and unworthy of her time and attention because you don't have a penis and you're not flashing money and/or bling. There are no blonde lesbians in New York, even in the village, so playing that card doesn't work.
3) No one in Chinatown will help you ever. It's an unspoken rule aginst outsiders or something. Whatever it is you need, you can get spit on for asking. They're like oriental camels. Bad attitude with projectile body fluids, don't do it. Unless you're on fire, then they won't spit on you.
4) If every single window at grand central is currently occupied but not fielding any requests they will not give you directions even if there's no one at the info booth. I've actually never seen someone at the info booth in grand central. Seriously I don't understand why they don't just set up a little train schedule kiosk and leave it at that because it's unmanned anyway.
5) None of the national guard dudes know where anything is. It doesn't matter if they've been stationed there for the five years since 9/11 they're all from Albany and they have no idea what you're talking about. They are scenery.
6) Bike couriers will ignore you and roll away so don't bother, but you should carry a stick to put in their spokes after they do this or spit your gum into their hair. They won't notice the latter until later and you'll feel better about that.
7) It's hard to find an english speaking cab driver. Those that do know where you want to go will offer to give you a ride there but not actually tell you how to get there. Any cabby that will help you will still not help for free and if you don't have money they have other payment plans that you really don't want to commit to.
8) Rich people's doormen never help. Nor do hotel bellhops. If they're in a uniform and not being paid they don't know what you're talking about.
9) Anyone on a cellphone is useless. I probably don't have to explain why. This isn't so much a rule of New York it's more of something that just applies to everyone on a cellphone.
10) Anyone with a popped collar will lie to you or try to rape you. Lying is for day time, rape is for night.
11) No one in the MTA outside grand central will help you either and waking them is a bad idea. If you get directions after rousting them from their 8 hour nap they will send you to Harlem or New Jersey.
12) Anyone with a map in hand is probably also a tourist and therefore is just as lost as you.
13) Women walking toy breeds in small packs are cunts. If they're carrying their dogs they're even worse and if someone else is doing the carrying or walking for them they're the worst by far. "The help" has been trained to ignore your pleas so don't bother with them either.
14) A map of the city won't help you, at least not driving. I've never seen a map that has all the one way streets' directions written on them and because of this if you miss a turn you're fucked for the next 45 minutes trying to get back where you started from.
15) Business type people are always in a hurry. If you actually get in their way they will run you over or elbow you in the face. If they stop to acknowledge you it's only to yell at you for stopping them.
16) This only applies to women with big butts: DO NOT ask a Puerto Rican or black dude for directions. They are easily distracted by "booty" and will not hear anything you unless it's followed by a quick hard shove or a shot to the nuts.
17) Street vendors only give directions if you buy something. Kinda like the "for customers only" sign in restaurants.
So after all those things this is the conclusion I've come to. There are only two people who will ever help a tourist in New York, female Puerto Rican traffic cops, and homeless people.
I've only had the PR chick cop help me this past venture but homeless people have helped me many a time and all you have to pay them with is pocket change. You could give them six cents they bless you, pray for you, and give you quick and easy directions. Plus they actually take payment after services rendered and you can apologize for not having anything after saying thankful and they will still have told you the truth.
They always know where you're allowed to pee too. If you've ever tried it, finding a place to piss that actually involves a toilet and paper after 3am is really hard in the city unless you know it really well. They always knows which places will let you just take a leak and be on your merry way. They will always tell you where to get a good cup of coffee at 4am before most places open and after every where else, even DD's, has closed.
Case in point: Two fridays ago - the signs for I95 are wretchedly small. Even if you're walking you can't find them so a one inch stick-on of the interstate symbol at any decent pace, especially at night, is near impossible to see from a car.
Me and my friend Erika went to White Castle at probably 2-3am a couple fridays ago. We got there, got our food, ate it, after which she promptly passed the fuck out. So much for not that drunk. Dammit. So now I'm in the Bronx at like 3am trying to figure out how the fuck to get back to I 95 with my navigator completely wasted. There's no one on the road. The cars that do pass me with their windows rolled down just go "Hey mami what's goin on...." yada yada yada. Useless. They do this even when they're in CT actually. Fuckin New Yorkers. Anyway...
After about 20 minutes of looking for an open gas station I find one. A cop pulls someone over about 10 feet from me so he's useless. But lo and behold, there's a homeless dude right there with "lost?" coming out of his mouth as soon as I get out of the car. He gives me quick easy directions back to 95, turns out it was like 2 turns and a half a mile. It cost me about $1.25 in spare change that I had floating around in my pockets.
New York needs its homeless denizens because otherwise idiots like me would never know where we were going and then there'd be useless herds of tourists wandering around bawling inconsolably out of fear and ignorance of where the onramps are.
I also need to remember to not keep my toll money in my pockets cuz it turned out that's what the $1.25 was for. Oops.
Also, White Castle is a natural laxative. I don't yet know if the taste was worth the pain later.
I <3 New York.
Assholes.
User Reviews
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-27 12:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When i was in NYC on my own I found it really friendly and helpful.
Maybe because im English and my accent was commented upon being a cross between Michael Caine and Hugh Grants.................doubtful.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-27 11:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so that is what the bums are used for....directions
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-08 14:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was last in new york the police were very helpful and polite.
i was impressed.
perhaps you are just a cunt?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-08 14:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-08 13:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. You should do more like this.
Loved the bike messenger bit.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-05 13:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-26 22:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-06-23 08:31:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
You drove into NY and are not familiar with it? Ever heard of Subways, trains, fucking rickshaws?
I don't know if I should -2 you for stupidity or +2 you for balls.
I am not a big fan of the city walking, but in a car? Fuck that, I would either run some asshole down or get my car booted and drive out with it ala simpsons.
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yeah cuz i'm gonna carry a computer tower and monitor from the village, to grand central to fucking bethel, in my hands, just so i can take a train.
trust me driving isn't my first choice on the way to get around nyc.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-23 17:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-22 13:06:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:42:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
Main Entry: penis envy
Function: noun
: the supposed coveting of the penis by a young human female which is held in Freudian psychoanalytic theory to lead to feelings of inferiority and defensive or compensatory behavior
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i only want a penis because i'm not a squirter. although i'm sure a turkey baster and some vinegar would fit in my plans too.
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I'll trade you, katy....
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-06-23 08:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You drove into NY and are not familiar with it? Ever heard of Subways, trains, fucking rickshaws?
I don't know if I should -2 you for stupidity or +2 you for balls.
I am not a big fan of the city walking, but in a car? Fuck that, I would either run some asshole down or get my car booted and drive out with it ala simpsons.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-06-23 07:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I though NY was easy peasy to get about but then I was looking for all the shite touristy stuff...huge building and huge parks and places where a mad American shot our John.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-06-22 22:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:30:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
west 14th....go to west 17th and to Red Rock West Saloon.
great bar.
________________________________________________
How did you find that bar praytell?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-06-22 20:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate people
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-06-22 19:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goodness.
And I want to visit my friend near Long Island.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-22 17:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
White Castle isn't a laxative. What else were you on, honey?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-22 16:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For once, I won't break the streak.
...as long as you blow me later.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-22 16:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-06-22 16:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-06-22 16:15:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHA
NY was just voted the world's most courteous city
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-06-22 16:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHA
NY was just voted the world's most courteous city
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just for being cool.
Submitted by pastacheese (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Email, take 2.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
6) Bike couriers will ignore you and roll away so don't bother, but you should carry a stick to put in their spokes after they do this or spit your gum into their hair. They won't notice the latter until later and you'll feel better about that.
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If they are anything like Philly couriers, they won't notice. Ever.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish chicago bums were useful. funny stuff
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i went to go pick up a $5 computer and a decorative teapot for my mom haha. this photographer (yes porn) that my boss is friend's with moved to california and was basically liquidating all her nyc stuff to sell the apt or clear it for the next tenant or something. it was like two feet from the west side highway. nice lookin neighborhood.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
west 14th....go to west 17th and to Red Rock West Saloon.
great bar.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
re: new york city white guy cops: http://www.ubersite.com/m/77556
but i agree - bums are the BEST for directions.
where'd you go in nyc?
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We get constantly lost wherever we go on holiday... an added issue with asking for directions as an English person in the USA is that half the people you ask can't fathom my accent.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
badonkadonk...
i cry because of this. alot.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-22 15:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As metioned elsewhere, you've got mail.
So in #16 are you saying that you have a big ass? If you don't, how would you know? Unless you roll with at least one fat girl, in which case I hope you refer to her as the Anchor.