D-Prime Madness: From The Belly Of The Whale (922 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.8 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2006-06-22 21:46:20 EDT
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4642722.stm
http://www.ambergris.co.nz/index.htm
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From: "Matt Maiorano" maiorano84.at.hotmail.com
Sent: Sunday, June 18, 2006 8:54 PM
To: info.at.ambergris.co.nz
Subject: Stomach Scents Inc.
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To Whom It May Concern,
I have recently read a story on the BBC involving an Australian couple finding whale vomit that was reportedly worth $295,000 (£165,300). Inspired by this article, I have started my own business exploring beyond strictly the belly of the whale, involving the trading and marketing of animal vomit which is used in other lesser-known perfumes. I am contacting you because of the blatant disregard for the services I have been offering you people for the past 3 months.
On April 12, 2006 I sent an email inquiring about the nature of your business, and to the extent of your dealings with smaller companies such as my own. I had offered free samples of several of my perfumes including:
1) "Odeur De Chameau" - Using a unique blend of water found in the rare Sahara Euphorbia (the equivalent of the North American Cacti) and camel vomit, we have created a solution that will whisk your mind away to the afterlife where you are surrounded by the scent of 70 virgins.
2) "La Chupacabra" - This scent will surround you with an air of mystery, using the oils from the Blue Agave (a South American plant used in the production of Tequila) and what we believe to be authentic Chupacabra vomit.
3) "Sex Panther" - You ever see Anchorman? Yo.
We have developed a wide range of selections, and I feel that it would be in both our interests to work together. PLEASE respond ASAP.
I am looking forward to your favorable reply.
Matt Maiorano
Stomach Scents Inc. CEO
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From: info.at.ambergris.co.nz
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2006 9:25 AM
To: "Matt Maiorano" maiorano84.at.hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Stomach Scents Inc.
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Dear Mr. Maiorano,
We apologize for any inconvenience, but to be perfectly frank we could not take your emails seriously. The subsequent package you shipped to our address led us to believe that everything was nothing more than an elaborate prank. Due to the nature of your latest email, we feel that it is necessary to explain to you why we have not responded to you in a timely fashion and we would like to reassure you that it is also important in maintaining an amicable relationship with all of our clients and customers.
It is at this point that I regret to inform you that we are unable to do business with your company after reviewing the most recent samples you've sent. Here are the unedited comments from those who tested your products:
1) "Odeur De Chameau"
TEST SUBJECT 1: "Just because the name is French doesn't make it smell nice. It smells like...... oh, right. Camel vomit."
SCORE: 0/5
TEST SUBJECT 2: "The only redeeming quality about this was the sand you've included in the box. Even that smelled like ass."
SCORE: 0/5
TEST SUBJECT 3: "PRAISE ALLAH!!"
SCORE: 3/5
*Subject disqualified: Article #0794 - Religious Bias
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AVERAGE: 0/5
RESULT: FAIL
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2) "La Chupacabra"
TEST SUBJECT 1: "Why would you send a vial of Ammonium Sulfide overseas?"
SCORE: 1.5/5
TEST SUBJECT 2: "I just had a miscarriage."
SCORE: 0/5
TEST SUBJECT 3: "Was this made with real Mexicans?"
SCORE: 0.5/5
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AVERAGE: 0.33/5
RESULT: FAIL
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3) "Sex Panther"
TEST SUBJECT 1: "LOL U SUXXORZ!!!1"
SCORE: -2
*Subjct Disqualified: Article #0056 - "-2" not a score
TEST SUBJECT 2: "Smells like Bigfoot's dick."
SCORE: 4/5
TEST SUBJECT 3: "Aw HELL NO!!"
SCORE: 0/5
*Subject Disqualified: Article #0004 - Subject is black
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AVERAGE: 1.33/5
RESULT: FAIL
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We thank you for your interest in doing business with us, but please stop sending us your samples and emails. Please.
Michael Hunt
Ambergris Co. R&D President
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From: "Matt Maiorano" maiorano84.at.hotmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 7:46 PM
To: info.at.ambergris.co.nz
Subject: RE: RE: Stomach Scents Inc.
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Dear Mr. Hunt,
You guys are dicks.
Matt Maiorano
Stomach Scents Inc. CEO
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From: info.at.ambergris.co.nz
Sent: Thursday, June 22, 2006 3:34 PM
To: "Matt Maiorano" maiorano84.at.hotmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Stomach Scents Inc.
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Dear Mr. Maiorano,
Eat it.
Michael Hunt
Ambergris Co. R&D President
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User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This round ends in about 30 hours
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-06-26 14:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TEST SUBJECT 2: "I just had a miscarriage."
SCORE: 0/5
Auto chupacabra +2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 19:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, this is funny.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-23 16:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the other one was better I think
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-23 16:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because apparently, I live in a whale's vagina
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me impregnate my pants.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent!!!!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more people should rate this
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I was soooo totally rocking it until shlong came and shit on my cake. oh well. win the comp.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff, looks like you win. Congrats.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-06-23 10:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey i think this was one of my titles. woot.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-23 09:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Was this made with real Mexicans?"
AHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-06-23 08:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So +2 worthy. Nice job, man.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-23 01:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking hilarious!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-06-23 00:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-06-22 23:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-06-22 21:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crap. The second score should be 0.66
In other news, here's Brd_Nkd's take: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89482