D-Prime Madness: Anything But Mine (988 hits)
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Rating: 1.2 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-06-23 12:31:06 EDT
Anything But Mine - a Drama
Dramatis Personae
THE POPE.
THE CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY.
DON JOHN, noble.
WHORINA DE LABIA, woman of Souffle.
PIMPASTICKIO, employer of WHORINA.
Chorus.
~ CHORUS ~
Upon the sea Man has tamed with wooden
Vessel and cannonshot the water's rage,
Shattered Neptune's trident with industry
And mastered the waters of his children,
But while nothing brings pleasure to a Man
As victory, and its trappings of gold
And laurel, reputation and good fame,
Nothing so satisfying to the soul,
Nature's prickish grin and winking eye move
The loins and stir a hunger somewhere else,
Not the head or the beating heart below
But in the depths of lusty undertow.
A noble docked and ported from his trip
Escaping closéd quarters of his ship
Now walks the streets, historic, of Souffle
To see if he can score himself a lay.
DON JOHN discovered on the street.
~ DON JOHN ~
Oh me! Long hours away from woman's touch
Do move me now to purchasing a throw
From some unwashed and unsavory thing
(Yet do not think this does not me excite),
And though I am a noble and am rich
In pocket, knowledge and experience,
I must admit, I do not know quite how
To pay for milk but purchase not the cow.
But soft! I see a woman approaching.
Courage now, John.
WHORINA DE LABIA enters, in fishnets
~ DON JOHN ~
Y HALO THAR BUTTSECKS??
~ WHORINA ~
Perchance, sirrah, are you in fact a tard?
Why now the yelling and the childish grin?
Mine ears ring now as if a singing monk
Had marked vespers with some Latin prayer,
Or if a bull had farted by my head;
Buttsecks you say? You did come off a ship
And I know how you sailors like your rears,
For many times have I referred them to
A secret place called Sausage Avenue
Where they get their jollies. Is that for you?
~ DON JOHN ~
Madam, please, I meant you no offense with
My outburst; I am in town for hours
And was looking for some company to
Pass the midnight with, in lust, in comfort,
For long will I be upon the water.
I have been sailing enough as it is:
My legs rock on dryland as if shifted
By swell or storm, I reek of salt and fish,
And I fear my pince is rightly chafféd
From too much flogging on the Mannish main.
Do not mistake me - I'm all about clam,
But now at least I know where my crew went.
~ WHORINA ~
So you wish to have a go with me, then?
~ DON JOHN ~
If you and your noonie are free to rent.
~ WHORINA ~
I am, and it is always for sale sir.
But first: are you a sergeant of the law?
You're required to tell me.
~ DON JOHN ~
I am not, miss.
A noble, I am peaceful by design.
I carry but one weapon; it hangs low.
~ WHORINA ~
Come, let's to the alley for our bumping.
WHORINA and DON JOHN walk to the alley.
PIMPSTICKIO enters, from behind a barrel of dead cats.
~ PIMPSTICKIO ~
Shitteth, ho, thou hast scored a man with bling!
This truly beateth the score of men you
Serviced for candlewax and coal last week,
For while the payment warmed my tawny heart
It did nothing to buy me gin and juice!
~ DON JOHN ~
Excuse me, midnight. I was here first.
~ PIMPSTICKIO ~
Midnight? Didst thou just... AW HELL NO! IT'S ON!
Fie, nigga! FIE! Tasteth my backhand, fool!
PIMPSTICKIO slaps the taste out of DON JOHN'S mouth.
~ WHORINA ~
Settle, pimp, settle! He is new at this.
Sir, this is my employer, to whom I
Am obligated to serve.
~ DON JOHN ~
I thought him
A competitor dressed in zebra print
And pluméd hat. Forgive, darky, forgive.
Your kind to me is known only as a
Commodity to sell to the West, I
Had no idea you brokered sex acts too.
How much for the woman?
~ PIMPSTICKIO ~
It will cost you
Now, honkey. Triple the charges for your
Disgraceful behavior. I get a cut of
What she makes, but as the chef she pulls the
Pork and sets the menu. I will return
In one hour's time.
PIMPSTICKIO exits.
~ DON JOHN ~
Now that we are alone,
How should I presume to go about this?
~ WHORINA ~
The cock will get what he crows for, sirrah,
For a price.
~ DON JOHN ~
What will a ducat get me, streetwalker?
~ WHORINA ~
Anything but mine nethers, sir, and eyes
And ears and hands and feet and heaving breasts,
For such a piece of gold you can rub it
Against my skin, or in my flowing hair
Or stroke it while you sniff my underwear.
A pittance gets you pity loving.
~ DON JOHN ~
Oh.
What will ten ducats get me, Box of Eve?
~ WHORINA ~
Anything but mine nethers, sir, and eyes
And ears and hands and feet, but heaving breasts
Will now enfold your sliding shonce, snowbanks
For your skeeting sled to steer it to my
Neck where it will deposit pearls, or to
My chin where you may batter my pimples.
The choice is yours.
~ DON JOHN ~
Now we're talking! Yahoo!
What will twenty ducats get me, meathole?
~ WHORINA ~
Anything but mine nethers, sir, and eyes
And ears and feet, but as a knotted tree
Makes a hummingbird a home so too will
My leathery hands work the codpiece, firm,
Twin walls around the little man, a pool
For you to fill with white water which I
Will quickly smear upon my backside and
Then sit upon your face, sidesaddle-like,
To grind and spread your own love upon you.
~ DON JOHN ~
You are such a little tramp. My pants bulge!
Pray tell, for thirty ducats what then? Hmm?
~ WHORINA ~
Anything but mine nethers, sir, and eyes
And ears, but I can promise you footjobs
Guaranteed to bust your bodkin, for I
Know the old art of footalatio,
How to scrub the babies out of your jib
With bunions, to trap sperm in my blisters
(Later to break them open with my teeth);
There are many preparations and feats
My twin legs could astound you with, sirrah,
For five ducats more you can pee on them.
~ DON JOHN ~
[Aside] I must find a way to take her to sea,
For she's the wanton, willing girl for me.
[to WHORINA] A moment, please! I feel my head grow light!
The blood is pooling somewhere else, I fear.
Will forty ducats purchase your pink trap?
~ WHORINA ~
Nay, anything but mine nethers and eyes
Good sir, but you can totally cum in
My ears if you would like.
~ DON JOHN ~
Giggity goo!
And fifty ducats, my sweet guttertrash?
~ WHORINA ~
Anything but mine nethers, sir, but my
Fingers will pry eyelids open for you
To roll your mighty head against the ball
Or inseminate my orbs with your juice,
Salty and thick with noble blood, a flood
And more I will take upon my blinkless
Eyes while I fingerbang your prostate's port.
~ DON JOHN ~
Yes! Sixty ducats, bitch! What then say you?
~ WHORINA ~
Oh sir at that price anything is yours
And no more mine, for gold will bring my skirt
To raise and rest upon my waist and let
You have your way with either hole to taste
Or prod or shave or scratch as you desire,
For sixty you can set my snatch on fire
If it suits you, do whatever you please
I'm barren so you can shoot in my steeze
And riddle my noonie with your he-shots
As none will take root and make a fetus;
Now make your choice and whip out that penis!
~ DON JOHN ~
At last! My heart's desire has named its price!
Here's a hundred twenty - let's do it twice!
Bend over this here crate and raise your dress
So now my skinflute can your holes caress.
PIMPSTICKIO enters, eating chicken.
~ PIMPSTICKIO ~
Hour's up, fool, I trust you got your jollies?
~ DON JOHN ~
We've just begun, surely this is folly!
~ PIMPSTICKIO ~
Thou hadst one hour to wet thy needy cock,
Methinks thou wasted time with all the talk.
~ DON JOHN ~
This will not do! I paid, I shall take it!
Open up slut, I'm coming in!
~ PIMPSTICKIO's KNIFE ~
SNIKT!
~ DON JOHN's THROAT ~
GAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHHG!!!
DON JOHN dies, immediately consumed by street rats.
PIMPSTICKIO and WHORINA exit.
~ CHORUS ~
Men, be warned, and learn from Don John's sad fate,
If you're at sea and forced to masturbate
And make it to a city, rife with whores,
And do not know enough to prop'ly score,
You'll wind up with a knife stuck in your throat
And will not get to fill a maiden's moat,
So practice with your sister, learn the rules
Before you fuck up a prostituting experience...and become Fortune's Fool.
---
~ THE POPE ~
Say, Chancellor, what do you call a black
Man flying an airplane?
~ CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY ~
I cannot say, Pope.
~ THE POPE ~
A pilot, you racist! Ha ha ha ha!
~ CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY ~
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
---
FIN
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-12 18:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahhaha.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-24 11:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR BUTTSECKS??
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-23 23:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:37:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
ugh.
======
The Legend speaks! Too bad the legend says he's an asshole.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-23 20:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate this play type post, but it was actually quite brilliant.\
Plus, I got a semi.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-06-23 20:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-23 18:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a legend.
This style you have presented this in, so reminiscent of another post, prompted me to -2 it. Why would you suppose that is the case?
Hmmmm.
I liked this good sir. I liked it indeed.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 16:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plush safe he thinks.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 16:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Giggity goo.
Submitted by ThoreauMe (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good effort.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:33:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have NO idea what you are talking about.
_____________
I believe you called me a moolie for my first rating.
I believe you didn't see that I have +2'd the shit out of this to correct it.
I believe you have my stapler.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:18:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:11:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Remember, Jonny: shitfuck is a legend...
-----------------
I always have to +2 when people quote me.
=========
That was you, Darko?
GOLD.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:11:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Remember, Jonny: shitfuck is a legend...
-----------------
I always have to +2 when people quote me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-06-23 15:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My cock crows for you, sirrah.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:25:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jonny, I'm up over a 1.5 by now for my rating, so stop trying to flick me in the balls.
It should be around 1.9+ by the time I'm done.
-----
?
I have NO idea what you are talking about.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:11:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Remember, Jonny: shitfuck is a legend...
----
don't get me started on that guy...
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jonny, I'm up over a 1.5 by now for my rating, so stop trying to flick me in the balls.
It should be around 1.9+ by the time I'm done.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Remember, Jonny: shitfuck is a legend...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:54:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ugh?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:48:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ugh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:37:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
ugh.
-----
fuckin moolies.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SNIKT!
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-06-23 14:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And more I will take upon my blinkless
Eyes while I fingerbang your prostate's port."
Prostate's port!? I would have just said 'asshole'. Clever though, and certainly useful for the future.
Thanks for that, and your Darko charity, which was even sweeter because he doesn't like me.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you certainly are the master/mistress of lots
of purty words.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the shit is this?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Anything but mine nethers, sir, and eyes
And ears and hands and feet, but heaving breasts
Will now enfold your sliding shonce, snowbanks
For your skeeting sled to steer it to my
Neck where it will deposit pearls, or to
My chin where you may batter my pimples.
The choice is yours."
==
I TOTALLY said the EXACT same thing last night!
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems like "Fie, nigga. FIE!" was on Chappelle's Show or something.
Submitted by Matin_Morte (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
footalatio
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't know how to tell you this...but i'm kind of a big deal.
people know me.
i have many leather bound books. my apartment..smells of rich mahogany.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard that one before
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fie, nigga! FIE!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 13:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're right, that would have been funny.
But I cannot tell a lie, I enjoyed it.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why it woulda been funny to get this on worst ever.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 is my actual rating.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a fucking competition, Coleslaw.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucked up the streak Licious.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking philistines.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D-Prime Madness Hub: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89324
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ugh?
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ugh
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-06-23 12:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ugh.