Five easy rules to being in my Aryan nation (1142 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2006-06-24 11:28:35 EDT
Unemployment sucks, it really does. After a brief dispute with my boss where we threw words around like "homicidal maniac" and "that bitch who sent me to the hospital" we decided that I could use some time off. So sitting at home on my ass masturbating has become a second job of sorts, my first career still being Ubersite. But neither Ubersite nor hot girl on oxen porn pays very well, so I figured I needed a third career. Something to help afford me the luxuries I am so used to.
I went to the nearest mall. Not that I am *technically* allowed in the mall anymore (I mated with a lawnmower in Sears), so I donned a Richard Nixon disguise and snuck past the inbred security guards who stood with their plastic pistols in front of the mall doors. They saw me, saluted and murmured "Mr. President." As I walked by, and I saluted them back. Best they not know that Nixon was actually killed off years ago by an internal cleaning effort within the Republican party.
Fools....If only they had read more ETS posts they would have known that.
After I got inside I tore off the Nixon mask and tossed it asunder onto a large pile of mixed items that had also been tossed asunder at one point in time or another. I mean why do people even use the word 'asunder' anymore? It's 2006 for Christ sake, just say "I lost that shit on purpose" or something.
But that's neither here nor there. Wait that phrase is dated too!
The one place in the mall I knew I was assured a position was my most hated place.
Abercrombie and Fitch *gasp* DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN.... (evil dramatic reverse)
No seriously I had all the requirements, blond hair, blue eyes, white, English speaking, I was their cup of tea. And as I walked up to the counter of A&F (which is much easier to type quickly than Abercrombie and Fitch) I was greeted cheerily by a pretty blond haired girl.
"Welcome to Abercrombie and Fitch! Our new world order is your clothing order!" She said with a big smile on her face. One that masked the fact that she was a practicing Neo-Nazi.
"Yeah uh...I'd like a job if possible." I said and then did something I hadn't done in a long time. I forced a smile to spread its painful way across my face. All it ended up being was an elongated grimace.
The blond haired Nazi blinked at me.
"Sure! We are welcoming the entire Aryan race here to A & F! But I need to ask you some questions to see if you are a viable candidate. First, what do you think of organized religion?" She said tilting her head to the side sending waves of blond hair down over her shoulders.
"Uh...well I'm an atheist so...yeah."
"Great! Religion diverts effort and splits loyalties away from the new world order! Every Abercrombie and Fitch employee must be willing to devote themselves to our ideal. How do you feel about subjugating inferior races?" She said, her smile starting to stretch past the point where it was healthy.
"I've never had a problem before." I said now sure of myself, this job was in the bag.
"Excellent! We understand that the best empires are built by the spilling of unclean blood! CAN YOU....ooh sorry for yelling, sometimes I get excited.... Can you assure us that you are everything the media tells us to be, cool, relaxed, and conforming?" She was beginning to bounce up and down slightly in her spot, her smile twitching and her eyes wide open with a wild stare. I took a step back.
"Uh....Yeah I'm all those things I guess. Do I get a uniform?" I asked.
"EVERY ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH EMPLOYEE LOOKS THE SAME AS THE OTHERS! WHEN ONE FALLS MORE TAKE THEIR PLACE! WE ARE THE EVER GROWING RANKS! WE SHALL MARCH ACROSS THE LAND AND IMPOSE OUR WILL ON THE UNWASHED MASSES! KNOW OUR POWER! SIGH HEIL! I... oops my boss told me not to get too carried away." She said after she was done screaming at me. But then again she was cute so I let it slide as a personality quirk.
"That's okay. So when do I get a paycheck?"
"Paycheck? We don't get paid. Our efforts are rewarded by the knowledge that we are better than everyone else." She said. No paycheck? NO PAYCHECK!?!?!
That train doesn't fly with me.....
This chick had wasted my time with all of her political shit and I wouldn't stand for it. I pulled a katana from my clown pants that I realized I was wearing and cut her down in her place. For a moment dark force lightning sprayed out of her fingertips until she fell down into the random abyss next to me and hit the generator of the Death Star exploding in the best that 1980's special effects had to offer.
I leaped over the counter and began beating on the cash register to pop it open. The damn thing was locked but after kicking it repeatedly it popped open and I began to stuff cash into my pockets.
That's when I noticed someone was coming into the store.
"Fuck...." I muttered trying to decide what to do. As a disguise I grabbed a pair of khaki pants and a sweater and threw them on just as the person approached me.
He was wearing a HighVoltage disguise....
"What the fuck?" I asked to my mirror image as the person was obviously shocked to see me.
"Oh uh...man this is awkward." The imposter said.
"Who the fuck are you? Where did you get that devilishly handsome HighVoltage mask?" I asked indignantly but also aware that I was not receiving royalties for that mask and that a check should be in the mail. Kaching!
"Look don't tell anyone...but..." The man said, reaching up and pulling the HighVoltage mask off.
It was Richard Nixon.
"Holy fuck dude! I thought you were dead!" I exclaimed in shock. Richard shrugged in a kind of resigned way. A way that showed he was the only president who ever resigned.
"Yeah people are supposed to think that. But really I live in Florida. I came up to Washington DC for a vacation." He told me. I nodded, it made so much sense now!
"That's cool, but who is in your grave then? What did they bury?" I asked. Richard looked up at me seriously.
"YOU ARE HIGHVOLTAGE!" He screamed at me. I began screaming and then he began screaming because I was screaming.
"No I'm just joshing you it's a hobo." Nixon said. I stopped screaming and laughed at his antics.
"Oh Nixon you kidder! Hahaha." I said. Then I pulled my katana out and cut him in half. Taking my cell phone out I called the Republican National Headquarters and told them that I had a very interesting business proposition if they would like to buy the body of Richard Nixon. They were most pleased that I had found their missing ex-president and I was told I did a great service for my country. In reward the NSA was going to stop listening to my phone conversations.
"That's all I ever wanted when I started this quest." I said. Wait no it wasn't. I need a job! I'm going to be evicted from my house!
Driving down to the office I got an idea, donning my Richard Nixon disguise I went back to my office and sat down to talk to my old boss about a position.
"Well Mr. Nixon you certainly have the credentials. Welcome aboard!" She said. I shook her hand and then took off the mask and we both had a hearty laugh as that is how I tricked her into hiring me the first time.
And that's the story of how I saved Kwanza.
User Reviews
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-07-27 02:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more Jewish heroes.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-27 00:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90973
Fantasy Football, wooo!!!!!
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-27 00:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba camwhore http://www.ubersite.com/m/90963
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-27 16:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fitch
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-06-26 10:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so strange it was funny
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-06-26 10:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not 'technically' allowed in my mall anymore either.
WE SHOULD START A CLUB!!!!
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-06-26 08:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"i lost that shit on purpose"
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-26 08:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cascade (user info) at 2006-06-25 13:22:26 (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed it. I don't know why. Maybe it's best not to question.
Submitted by cascade (user info) at 2006-06-25 13:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed it. I don't know why. Maybe it's best not to question.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-25 10:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-06-25 07:14:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
you have the word 'asunder' confused with something else, because youre using it in a comletely incorrect manner. it means 'apart', as in "torn asunder".
heres where you say it was all on purpose, and im a fool for falling for such an easy joke.
-----
.......AH! You are a fool for...uh....
Shit I misused it. I was trying to go for free conscious writing. Sometimes odd stuff comes out of it. I'm really not reading what I write as I write it.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-25 10:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff, you wierd little man.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-06-25 07:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entertaining. Worth a read.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-06-25 07:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you have the word 'asunder' confused with something else, because youre using it in a comletely incorrect manner. it means 'apart', as in "torn asunder".
heres where you say it was all on purpose, and im a fool for falling for such an easy joke.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-06-25 00:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait...what?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-24 23:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-06-24 15:56:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a belly laugh out of the devishly handsome mask comment of yours. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......HA.....that's great. Nixon is alive?
---------
No Nixon is dead both in real life and in my fake life.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-06-24 19:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEIL DEN ARYAN VOLK DER ABERCROMBIE UND FITCH!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-06-24 18:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-06-24 15:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a belly laugh out of the devishly handsome mask comment of yours. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......HA.....that's great. Nixon is alive?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-06-24 15:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to be the one to copy the lyrics to that song.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-24 14:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
New kids on the block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
=======
New Kids on the Block sucked a lotta dick
Boy/girl groups make me sick..
Yeah, that's right. I quoted Eminem. What are you lookin'at?
"Asunder" is one of my favorite words, so don't you dare try to take it from me. 'Cause that train won't fly.
But that's neither here nor there. The point is, this is teh funny.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-24 13:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That dog wont hunt monsignor
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-06-24 13:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-24 12:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-06-24 12:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-24 11:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
New kids on the block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls stop by for the summer,
For the summer
I like girls that wear abercrombie and fitch
Id take her if I had one wish
But shes been gone since that summer,
Since that summer
Hip-hop mama layed spic & span
Met you one summer and it all began
Youre the best girl that I ever did see
The great larry bird, jersey 33
When you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet billy
Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me willy whistle cause I cant speak baby
Somethin in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I cant forget you and it makes me mad left one
Day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home
Mccaullay culkin wasnt home alone
Fell deep in love, but now we aint speakin
Michael j. fox was alex p. keaton
When I met you I said my name was rich
You look like a girl from abercrombie and fitch
New kids on the block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls stop by for the
Summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear abercrombie and fitch
Id take her if I had one wish
But shes been gone since that summer,
Since that summer
Cherry pez, coke, crush rock, stud boogie
Used to hate school, so I had to play hookie
Always been hip to the b-boy style
Known to act wild and make a girl smile
Love new edition and the candy girl
Remind me of you because you rock my world
You come from georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love hip-hop and rock & roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old
There was a good man named paul revere
I feel much better baby when youre near
You love fun dip and cherry coke
I like the way you laugh when
I tell a joke when I met
You I said my name was rich
You look like a girl from abercrobie and fitch
New kids on the block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls stop by for the
Summer,for the summer
I like girls that wear abercrombie and fitch
Id take her if I had one wish
But shes been gone since that summer,
Since that summer
In the summertime girls got it goin on
Shake and wiggle to a hip-hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
Ill steal your honey like I stole your bike
Boogaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man mr. limpit
Think about that summer and I bug cause I miss it
Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up, but whats the use
I like kevin bacon, but I hate footloose
You came in the door I said it before
I think Im over you, but Im really not sure
When I met you I said my name was rich
You look like a girl from abercrombie and fitch
New kids on the block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls stop by for the
Summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear abercrombie and fitch
Id take her if I had one wish
But shes been gone since that summer,
Since that summer
In the summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worthwhile and some are so so
Summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worthwhile and some are so so
Summertime girls got it goin on
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
Ill steal your honey like I stole your bike
New kids on the block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls
Stop by for the summer,for the summer
I like girls that wear abercrombie and fitch
Id take her if I had one wish
But shes been gone since that summer,
Since that summer