The politest person to pick a fight with me (631 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.75 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Skatch (View user info) at 2006-06-28 09:51:59 EDT
So it's Mardi gras in the city of the third best party in the world: St. Louis and this puppy is thirsty for some hurricanes. Does anyone else feel bad about calling them hurricanes because of New Orleans? Maybe it's just me.
My girlfriend and her friend and I got ourselves a nice parking spot and showed up to catch the last half hour of the parade. It's two P.M. and it's time to begin the march of drinking.
Unfortunately for us, we all got really drunk the night before and some weren't up for marathon drinking. To make matters worse, it was kinda cold and a bit too crowded with uptight girls who wouldn't flash me even for my styling fish beads.
BUT, in the spirit of whatever Catholic we're celebrating, I decide to opt for the extra shot of SoCo, (one of the grosser of the cheap liquors.) and decide the get myself one of the best foods to buy off a crowded street. The beauty of the bratwurst was to be mine.
Let's do a little description here. The street is crowded with drunks, gross women flashing, hot women being coerced into flashing, frat boys puking, and really long lines for the porta pottys. But it's a party, and this pretty much sums up a public school high school get together.
The food booths are simple plywood that hits me, at 5'11" right where the ribs split. I remember that because I was drunk and leaned against the table and thought "This hits me right where the rib splits.
Now, the politics and procedures at these booths are simple. There is rarely a huge line at the food booths and you basically go up, find a hole and someone notices you and gets what you want. It's simple, it's easy and efficient.
Here's the setup. I'm at the booth which is about ten feet wide. Behind me are the girlfriend and her friend talking about something that wasn't me getting a bratwurst. Up walks cute petite blonde girl (CPB). She adheres to the rules and stands looking hopeful. The brat woman takes my order and gives me my food and then turns to cute girl.
I, now ensconced in the wonder of the bratwurst with mustard and relish, move over to the condiments to make my dream a reality. Then comes a very polite tap on my shoulder and an "excuse me."
I turn and there stands Drunk Frat Boyfriend (DFB). He stands about two inches shorter than me, a bit broader in the shoulder and that beady look in his eyes. He is a very politely stupid because this is keeping me from my food and I'm drunk.
He then very nicely tells me that I cut in front of his girlfriend CPB. I decide to take the hit and be the better man. Partly because I wanted him away, and this little display of manliness might get him a few seconds of bludgeoning his semi into CPB, and partly cause I was hungry.
DFB: You know? Cause you just cut in front of my girlfriend and that's not cool.
Me: Oh, sorry man, my bad.
DFB: Yeah cause she's not all that tall and sometimes people don't see her.
Me: Yeah (I turn to CPB) sorry about that.
It's about now I realize that she is looking at me with a look I've never encountered before, and it momentarily confused me. Then I realized what that expression was trying to tell me. It was the "please don't punch my asshole boyfriend in the throat" look. She tugged on his arm and pulled him away.
DFB gone? Cool, food time. Except that girlfriend and friend want to know who that was and what we were talking about, so I explain the story of CPB and DFB and they began to talk smack. It was cute, but there were more important matters at hand.
So I ate and the two of them say stuff like "That bitch, she cut us" and other things you all know are said when girls get generally catty. I roll my eyes, tell them it's not worth punching some guy in the throat if I have to go to jail or something. And then I began to think of funnel cake.
Then comes another tap on my shoulder. There, in all his glory stands, DFB with that forlorn look of "Please let me prove my manliness" and opens his mouth again. Out comes the same thing. No change. "Dude, you cut my girl in line and I don't appreciate that"
"What the fuck do you want?" was my masculine reply. There can be only one Highlander bitch.
"Dude, that wasn't cool man, You sut infront of my girl, and I'm trying to let it go," comes the offish reply.
"I apologized and told you it was an accident," I snapped back. He was in my way of the funnel cakes. "Also, she cut my girlfriend and you're both lucky I didn't unleash them." I'm the shit by the way, but also a coward. I was, however, ready to do battle for the food. And the two girls I was with are both about five inches taller than the CPB, pissed off and could probably kick all kinds of ass on both CPB and DFB.
I did feel a bit bad though. He was nice about wanting to beat me down, and I respected that. I think a punch to the face is much easier to take if someone tells you nicely first.
Anyway, he starts to stammer a bit because now I've broken the code of being nice about this whole fight thing, and his girlfriend drags him away.
The rest of the evening, the two girls talk about kicking all kids of ass on stupid bitches they are jealous of.
I was just happy there was someone out there who is still polite.
User Reviews
Submitted by highlander (user info) at 2006-06-28 12:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"There can be only one Highlander bitch."
That would be me.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-06-28 12:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not only was this terrible to read, but you probably apoligized to the drunk frat boy and bought his girl's food so he didn't kick your ass.
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2006-06-28 12:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
St. Louis Mardi Gras? Pfft.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm still polite.
PS. Fuck off, pansyass.
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"You sut infront of my girl, and I'm trying to let it go," comes the offish reply."
Who CAN'T relate to this????
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happens to the best of us. that was a good way to handle it too.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could have done with a bit more to it, but I enjoyed it.
But I'm half drunk, what do I know.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"You cut in front of my girl and that ain't cool."
"How 'bout I cut your fucking throat, bitchtits? Would THAT be cool?"
"Sorry to bother you, sir."
"Oh, no problem, man. Have a great day."
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
might get him a few seconds of bludgeoning his semi into CPB
===============================================
This gets you a positive rating.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a little difficult to read in some parts, but all in all, not bad.
Submitted by Skatch (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was a tad fucked up while writing most of this
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not real good at reading but I bet this was "The Balls"
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-28 09:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not exactly all that understandable of a story but this was highly worth it:
There can be only one Highlander bitch.