Fuck cyclists, their skinny children, and the bikes they rode in on (968 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2006-06-28 10:05:38 EDT
I'm thinking about killing myself. Because clearly, the traffic laws in this country are designed to prevent me from killing enough of you. But you know what? I could have forgiven you for that. When you knew your place, doing most of your cycling on the sanctioned bike trail, I said nothing of your presence here on earth and specifically in my neighborhood. So, what, you thought it might be acceptable to bring your reprehensible brand of transportation to my street? You thought I would just look the other way on this? That street runs right in front of my house. My family lives in that house, man! My fucking family!
The old men are greatest in number. Like Rain Man, all they do is multiply. They are thoughtful enough to provide us all with the courtesy of wearing tight, elastic shirts that do not completely zip up in front, keeping their prodigious chest hair fully on display. They have made the uniform decision to wear and maintain mustaches, somehow grooming them to react to the elements in the same manner as Tempurpedic mattresses. The only variety in their daily routines occurs when they are choosing a new bicycle path or giving out mustache rides under a new facial hair setting on their Norelco beard trimmers (although they usually avoid number one, because it makes them look like a dilapidated Don Johnson, and you can achieve a similar sensation by taping a compass to your testicles and strafing a Chilly Willy. Actually, it is hard to have a decent-looking beard at all when your cheeks constitute an "innie". Although I have to admit, I kind of hope to age prematurely. Imagine the false physical abuse reports I could file. These cheeks were made for allegations.) My greatest desire is that one or all of their hearts fail, resulting in a fall into a coma, so that he might live vicariously through life support machines (or would the life support machines live vicariously through him?)
Look, I have no predilection one way or another regarding the manner in which a person chooses to live his life. But their symbiotic relationship is just fucking creepy. They roam in groups of eight or ten, leaning into turns together while embracing the wheels of another man, praying for the one oil slick (riding a bike in groups is like playing Spy Hunter, except all the smokescreens are emotional) that will bring them together like a matching set of double-ended dominoes. Then they relax and stretch themselves out over the curved arches of their handlebars or another man's back before searching for refreshment in the plastic sports bottles they've all urinated in to maximize electrolytes.
It's a poor sight to run across these monsters on the road when they're with each other. It only develops into a tragedy when children are involved. This should have been a private battle; you should not have chosen to bring families into it. The thought of some pedalphile looming over his boy's shoulder, forcing him to lube up a chain or gently interlock his fingers around a brake pedal makes me shiver with disgust. My stomach is churning, and I haven't even been to Arby's. I can only imagine the look of shock and horror on young knuckleballer Phil Negro's face, questioning God, wondering why it is that so many other children are blessed with absentee fathers, right before papa lubes his thighs with massage oil to prevent them from squealing like a deaf Swiss yodeler (You have to think deaf people are useless in a Swiss society. They cant yodel properly, or hear the sound of a ticking clock. Surely they must have trouble synchronizing watches, or swatches, as the case may be. They probably have to strenuously avoid injuries, as a slight fracture of the leg could mean a trip to the chocolate factory) when they bond together over the gears. Although he had always held on to his dreams of escaping the hood, he could never imagine the pain of doing it on a pair of extremely skinny tires. Come to think of it, that is what he would deserve for being such a puss-thrower.
I'm going to speak to you seriously, now. Do you really think it is a good idea to have your offspring playing outside, running around, and taking part in other athletic activities? I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the rest of us think your kids are extremely annoying. In fact, there is a young cyclist who picks flowers while riding, only to deposit them on my lawn shortly thereafter. Way to go, Morrissey, you're well on your way to a life of ambiguous sexuality. Are fat children just as annoying, if not more so? Sure. But at least they have the good sense to stay indoors. Fat children are all occupying couches somewhere, with high octane air conditioning running to prevent the blending of the seven layers of their bean dip. Popsicles split in half to prevent a fat child's hands from fighting each other, and curtains exist to prevent me from watching it.
Clearly, you cyclists are completely out of control. I tried to do this the vehicular way, by honking, shouting profanities, and threatening to beat you with a tire iron. But you don't live by our rules. I am going to have to bring this down to your level. From now on, I will be driving with a friend in another car, sharing a lane to prevent any of you from getting around us. I will lean my arm out of my window at a ninety degree angle when plowing my bumper into the backs of your bright yellow shirts, emboldened with the names of fake sponsors (Peugeot; that's not even a word). And most assuredly, I will wear a helmet with a lot of holes in the top while shifting into four wheel drive to attain tread on top of your twisted spines.
On to brighter things: my teeth. I had a dental appointment recently and you will all be happy to know I am a member of the No Cavity Club, along with this guy. You know you have a good dentist when he can take a fluoride-enhanced load to the forehead 2-3 times daily and still manage to maintain that award-winning smile.
User Reviews
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-12-20 10:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sugar bugs
--------------------
Wow, I completely forgot about those until I read this. I miss you, fag.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-29 19:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
VIVA MEHICO
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-28 20:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm starting to wonder if you are as close to the edge as I suspect you are.
If so, I'm glad I'm on the opposite coast as you.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-06-28 18:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel the exact same way. i hate cyclists. they annoy the piss out of me the way they think they're entitled to the same road space as vehicles that go 10x faster. everyone always has to take extreme caution when passing these shitheads because they make no effort to protect themselves.
but on a positive note, i read a few urology journals in medical school that claimed that bike riding for men enormously decreases their ability to have erections. something about compressing the penile vein...i forgot the specifics. but at least some of the younger bike riding douches won't be able to procreate hopefully.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-06-28 18:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate people who ride their bike in the street even though there is a PERFECTLY NICE FUCKING SIDEWALK there about two feet to their right.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-06-28 18:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-06-28 15:16:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost didn't decide to read it (shows you how short my attention span is :P), but I did, and you get a +2
This really isnt that long
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-06-28 16:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"riding a bike in groups is like playing Spy Hunter, except all the smokescreens are emotional"
----
Quality.
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-06-28 15:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost didn't decide to read it (shows you how short my attention span is :P), but I did, and you get a +2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The other night on Letterman, the US Soccer team was called announced and it was a fat guy on a bike squeezed in Lance Armstrong's cycling outfit. He rode through the audience and Dave acted like it was a mistake. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHA...
One morning last week, Joey went in the bathroom as usual, opened up the cabinet and shut it again. He decided not to brush his teeth that day. He told himself he was finished with that childish stuff. He wanted to be known as a tough guy. He did not want to be the only third grader with perfect white teeth. Joey stared at his image in the mirror for a second.
"I will be a tough guy, just wait and see," Joey told himself as he continued to look at his reflection.
"Joey!" called a voice from his bathroom.
Joey was startled. Quickly, he glanced around the bathroom, although he knew he was alone.
"Go ahead and pick me up," called a voice from the bathroom cabinet.
"Where is that voice coming from?" questioned Joey loudly.
"Up here," the voice called again.
Joey looked up into the cabinet.
"That's right, Joey. It's me, your favorite toothbrush," the brush beamed.
His blue eyes widened and he stared in amazement. He could not believe what he was hearing.
"What's going on?" Joey said out loud, hoping someone would hear him.
"Why aren't you going to brush your teeth today?" asked the brush curiously.
"Oh, I don't feel like brushing my teeth today," Joey told his toothbrush.
"What has gotten into you Joey, you always like to brush your teeth," scolded the toothbrush.
"You're not even real, toothbrushes can't talk," Joey said hastily and turned away from the cabinet.
"If I can't talk, then why are you talking to me?" asked the brush.
Joey moved away from the cabinet door. He could not believe this, he thought he must be dreaming and hoped he would soon wake up.
"Hey! Joey, aren't you going to brush your teeth today?" the brush asked again.
"No, I am not going to brush my teeth," Joey said angrily.
"All the kids at school know you for your healthy smile," the brush informed him.
"Not all the kids at school think it is cool to brush your teeth," Joey told his brush.
"What do you mean?" questioned the toothbrush.
"I want to be a tough guy and tough guys don't brush their teeth," Joey shouted at the brush.
"Who told you that tough guys don't brush their teeth?" asked the curious brush.
"The guys who hang around with the tough kids at school. The tough kids think I am weird for having nice teeth," Joey quickly enlightened the brush.
"You know Joey, if you don't brush you will get sugar bugs in your teeth and they are real tough guys. They will work away at your nice white teeth until they become brown and start to pain."
"How do you know that?" asked Joey as he examined his perfect teeth in the mirror.
"I know because it is my job to work hard with you to make sure your teeth are clean and healthy," proudly stated the brush.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sugar bugs
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-06-28 13:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Norman (user info) at 2006-06-28 12:31:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
You really hit on the things that piss me off about biking. Nothing like being a corporate whore while wearing some team jersey you have nothing to do with. The pack riding mentality blows too, pretty ghey. But I really like riding my bike to work, call me a hypocrite. Go post choice on today too ->http://www.drcog.org/btwd2006/ Bike to Work Day.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Truthfully, I have nothing against bikes themselves, or people who like to bike. I just hate these Tour De France assholes who get in everyone's way.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-28 13:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:11:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
you had me at
"I'm thinking about killing myself. Because clearly, the traffic laws in this country are designed to prevent me from killing enough of you."
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2006-06-28 12:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Popsicles split in half to prevent a fat child's hands from fighting each other, and curtains exist to prevent me from watching it.
Gold.
Submitted by fodesnor (user info) at 2006-06-28 12:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:17:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Could be WAY worse. If you lived in Gods Waiting Room ( Florida) it would be herds of q-tips in golf carts riding across/down highway 441 to get to the Piggly Wiggly for senior citizen discount days like a gaggle of senile geese...and across your lawn on the way home.
Add in the fluorescent green polyester sagging nuthugger flood pants, pink and orange polkadot golf caps, blue rinse hair, dentures and cokebottle glasses...scary, verrryyyy scary.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HAH, That sounds like Zellwood or Kissimmee and or all parts of Lake County.
Submitted by Norman (user info) at 2006-06-28 12:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You really hit on the things that piss me off about biking. Nothing like being a corporate whore while wearing some team jersey you have nothing to do with. The pack riding mentality blows too, pretty ghey. But I really like riding my bike to work, call me a hypocrite. Go post choice on today too ->http://www.drcog.org/btwd2006/ Bike to Work Day.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ran a guy on a bike off the road on the way to work today.
Then I blasted "Run to the Hills" as I drove past.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I love the title.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:55:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
One gem right after the other.
I particularly liked this: "pedalphile"
-----------------------------------------
You are a genius.
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could be WAY worse. If you lived in Gods Waiting Room ( Florida) it would be herds of q-tips in golf carts riding across/down highway 441 to get to the Piggly Wiggly for senior citizen discount days like a gaggle of senile geese...and across your lawn on the way home.
Add in the fluorescent green polyester sagging nuthugger flood pants, pink and orange polkadot golf caps, blue rinse hair, dentures and cokebottle glasses...scary, verrryyyy scary.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One gem right after the other.
I particularly liked this: "pedalphile"
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I have a dentist's appointment tomorrow. It's been about five years since I've been. In that time, I've quit chewing tobacco and as a result I am certain that I have a cavity or two (when you chew, you are constantly salivating, which helps keep plaque from forming on your teeth . . . so technically chewing tobacco is GOOD for your teeth. Except for the oral cancer and the receeding gums.)
Congratulations on your clean bill of dental health.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how i wish i could flatten cyclists and wandering pedestrians. america needs to be like vegas, if you step out in front of a car and get hit it's your damn fault.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck cyclists, Motorists get what they want because they earned it.
Or, however that line is supposed to go.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you had me at
"I'm thinking about killing myself. Because clearly, the traffic laws in this country are designed to prevent me from killing enough of you."
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-06-28 10:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you don't have people riding motorized wheelchairs in the middle of the road...be thankful for that.