Hold Me Close, Tony Danza / Har Har Tori Spelling / Pro Wrestling Is Fake (1210 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2006-06-28 13:57:22 EDT
Tony, you owe me new fenders, you dirty bitch. I know you're still mad that I took you for 190 bucks and your BMW on poker night but get over it, man. And hey, I didn't tell you to bet the virginity of your daughter, either, but a bet's a bet and I'm gonna collect. I got news for you man: That skanky slore's been bounced on more than a trampoline at Chuck E. Cheese. She's about as pretty as a yellow bowling ball with hair, too. But I digress. I know you're the one who's been pissing on my fenders and now they've rusted through. I'm not a wealthy man and I already wrecked your Beamer, so I expect you to take care of this, post haste.
I've included photographic evidence at the end of this post, so don't try to give me the slip again, either. Throwing that cotton candy in the storm drain may have worked last time but I've gotten smarter. I have to admit that tripping me and stomping on my hand after I went for it was pretty funny, though. But NO MORE! I've been taking those smart pill thingies that make you... use... like, words and your brain and stuff... more betterer.
I missed going to WWE Smackdown last night with free seats right behind the announcers' table. Why would I do such a thing, you ask? Because professional wrestling sucks, that's why. It's the same recycled plotlines over and over again. You know what, though? I still sort of like it. It's mindless, pseudo-violent drivel - primetime soap operas for men. I don't really care if Rey Mysterio and Booker T buttfuck each other in the locker room after the matches, as long as one or the other gets smacked like a little bitch in the ring.
WWE wrestlers are graduates of the Tori Spelling School of Acting, too. TNA wrestlers are the drop-outs from that same school. I think that's part of the appeal of the, ahem, programming. Their performances are so over the top and poorly executed, it makes for high comic relief. I'll never get back into waiting with baited breath for the next episode of wrestling but I'll tune in every once awhile, so long as there's not a good show on the Watching Paint Dry Network.
Speaking of Tori, condolences on your father's passing and all, but at least now he can properly roll over in his grave every time your hideous mug graces the screen and chooses to "act". How could the creator of the original Starsky and Hutch ever create something so rank and vile as Beverly Hills 90210? Even worse, how could he possibly think that putting his butt-ugly, no-talent, man-beast of a daughter on there would help? Tori, I think daddy was playing a cruel joke on you, honey. Now turn out the lights, come over here and I'll teach you how to breathe through your ears. OH, DEAR GOD! I SAID TURN OUT THE LIGHTS FIRST!
There's been so much rain lately I think I have jungle rot.
...
Eh, I got nothing.
Is it just me or is Kermit the Frog a sexy beast? Seriously. He's green, he's P-I-M-P, and he porks a pig. And there's just something about someone who likes a hand crammed up their ass that turns me the fuck on. Ok, maybe I should just keep that dialogue internal.
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For Sale: two rapid squirrels and a flock of furious angles / slightly used and temperamental / $200 OBO or consider trade for Winchester rifle / serious inquiries only / 1-877-NOT-FAKE between 3-7AM / will deliver
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I hate you all.
I lied. I love you all. Have my babies.
Except for Alain; there's a distinct possibility that he's the gay lovechild of Luther Vandross and Liberace. He'll eat my babies and homey don't play that.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by mc (user info) at 2006-07-21 18:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff dude.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-07-11 11:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Cyst, I gotta know: Do you ever go to Bogens? They have chalkboards above the urinals and I wrote "Har Har Peener" in there one time (about a year ago). When I went back later, someone had written "-2 die" below it. If it wasn't you, we have another Uberite in Blacksburg. Just curious.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait...
Did Paul_Monroe's ratings get nullified? How did this post go back to a perfect score?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I'm out in Hiwassee in the corner of Montgomery, Floyd and Pulaski counties (about 30 mins. out of the 'burg. But yeah, I'm in the area.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SILVRWOLF! YOU IN BBURG?!!!!!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-30 15:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, this link is a little more comprehensive: http://www.ubersite.com/u/JohnGalt/l/furious_angles?sort=ma
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-30 15:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
evesapple: "rapid squirrels" and "furious angles" are old Uber in-jokes. I put them in there for obscure charm.
The rapid squirrels thing probably predates your account here. I can't find a link to it, though. Maybe someone else will help me out there.
also: http://www.ubersite.com/m/39865 - for background on furious angles by JohnGalt
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-06-30 12:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aren't all squirrels rapid?
well, the ones that aren't dead.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-29 00:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Godammit! That link isn't right. GLALL... find him. he's great. too drunk. leaving now.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-29 00:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've discussed it with my partners and we've decided to give you 48 hours before we drain your accounts and turn you over to the IRS for evasion. That's right, we know about your Cayman Island accounts and they've already been liquidated.
I've been around for awhile, so I'm not really trying for a BOSH (who is truly BOSH) or LSD (respectable)-type post. I've been doing this for awhile [elitist prick alert] longer. If you want truly entertaining randomness, you should check out http://www.ubersite.com/u/God_Loves_A_Little_Lovin - he's fucking awesome.
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-28 22:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I didn't know if you were trying for an intellectual BOSH or LSD post, or if it was just shit. Hence the 0 , no negative.
Please don't touch my account today or tonight as I have a large debit going through
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 21:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's ok, Paul. It was a good run while it lasted and I certainly don't expect any of my posts to go perfect. Now, should your brakes mysteriously fail tomorrow, I didn't do it and you should probably check the balance in your bank account.
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-28 21:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry, solid meh
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-28 21:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know which random silliness made me laugh more- the post or the comments.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-28 17:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Tony Danza thing warrented a +2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-06-28 16:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh!
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2006-06-28 16:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tony Danza put down his 'Who's the Boss' script and swallowed a big old box of Cascade. Five minute later, he was pooping bloody intestines."
Reading Uber at work - easy to get away with
Busting up laughing at work - not so much
Luckily I was working a food stamp case with a client whose last name was "cenicero", spanish for "ash tray"
Thank you God for an excuse, albeit a lame one.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-06-28 16:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know how most fan fic describes the lead male getting it on with the lead female's sister/mother/goat? Most "Who's the Boss" fan fic describes Tony Danza swallowing dishwasher detergent and dying painfully. Seriously, most aren't even that creative, but it's amazing how well the theme carries over. I mean: "Tony Danza put down his 'Who's the Boss' script and swallowed a big old box of Cascade. Five minute later, he was pooping bloody intestines." Reads better than anything from the Oprah book club.
Not that I'm a member of the Oprah book club.
Or read fan fic.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-06-28 15:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
superb. my feelings exactly. and if anyone ever actually sees Tori... punch her in the face for me.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:38:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
On my cable system you have to sign up for extended expanded to get the WPDN. =(
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DENIED! Is your cable system owned by the James Gang?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sully, Tony should've won an Oscar for that performance. I'd have then stolen it and held it for ransom until he replaced my fenders and delivered his daughter. Danny Glover's gripping performance was also overlooked by the committee and that's a damned shame; he owes me money, too.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On my cable system you have to sign up for extended expanded to get the WPDN. =(
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In "Angels in the Outfield," Tony was brought in as a reliever at a crucial time in the game, I was like "uh-oh!" but he came through and stuff. The Angels won the World Series and Danny Glover adopted the boys and Garrett Anderson won the homerun derby. Fucking rally monkey.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU TAKE THAT BACK, INION! ANGELA IS A STELLAR ACTRESS AND THE REASON FOR 83% OF CABLE-TV-INDUCED SPONTANEOUS ERECTIONS IN THIS COUNTRY! I'LL NOT HAVE YOU SPEAKING ILL OF HER!
Ok, she's gone now. The god-forsaken fugly ass-nugget was threatening me if I didn't defend her honor. God, I despise her. She always comes by unannounced, never knocks and keeps leaving the toilet seat up.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who's the boss is on before i go to work and i see it almost every day. and every day it stuns me how ugly angela is.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BAJ, I'll wreck his beaner, alright. Wait. That doesn't make any sense.
loki, his love juice must've had plenty of punch left in it; how else can you explain her face? And you may be right, she may be his granddaughter but that's still no excuse.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought Tori was a granddaughter, damn he had her when he was an old fart. Maybe that's the problem, his love juice didn't have any punch in it anymore.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, I can't read today. I thought it said "I wrecked your Beaner" instead of Beamer.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tori's a filthy, man-handed hosebeast. Can you believe that uppity cunt wouldn't even sign a pair of her dirty panties I bought on ebay? Hmph. Keep turning your back on your fans, Tori, and the three of us will shut down the fan club, bitch.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tori doesn't know how to 'spell' her name. 'Spell' her name. 'Spell.' Her last name is 'Spelling.' She doesn't know how to 'spell' Tori. 'Spell.' It's kind of like a play on words I've been cooking up for weeks hope you guys like it.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was inspired by your post, Tiger. I was gonna give you a cameo here, too. Something about you and the drummer from Def Leppard should get together, but I thought better of it. I'm cool like that.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-28 14:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No! You're a trip.