The Death That Existed Inside Me (775 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: -1.7 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Lone Stranger (View user info) at 2006-06-29 13:43:30 EDT
I recently started an herbal detox program called Dr. Natura. It's basically like ramming a fist of fiber through your colon every day in the hopes that you will crap out any years-old stragglers that happen to be rotting in your colon starting a polyp colony.
I was turned on to it by a friend who sent me the link to the website and told me to check out the gallery page. So I did. Here it is forjoo:
http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html
Dear lord! It appears that many of these people have crapped out the black death. Others seem to have ass shrimp swimming in their colon, while others must be subsisting on kelp strands. I was hopelessly intrigued. I was also a little weirded out by the fact that so many people took photos of their shits.
After witnessing these pictures of bizarre results, I thought, "Hey! I wanna crap ass shrimp too!" and so I bought the month long herbal cleansing package. The package includes a powder, which you mix with the beverage of your choice, some pills, and a nice spot of tea, which I can only guess is meant to soothe your nerves after the stressful ordeal crapping out huge amounts of ungodly materials.
I seriously considered starting a plog, or poop log, taking pictures, keeping a journal and recording all of my results, but then I thought that would just be weird. Plus, I spend most of my #2 time at work while GPTP (Getting Paid To Poop) (credit to my buddy Frank on that one) and it would seem a bit odd if I carried a camera with me every time I walked into the men's room at work. Maybe not odd. Perverse? I dunno, but I really haven't done glamour shots of my shit since college, so I suppose "childish" is the word.
I start each morning by taking the pills on an empty stomach, then mixing and drinking the powder. I usually drink the tea in the afternoon. I am currently in week 2, and I must say - the shits are fantastic. I have been so blessed!
Here's the breakdown:
Size: These fuckers are massive! The other day swear I was crapping out Chewbacca's arm! Alas, I had to cut it loose. Nigga tried to choke me! Sheeeit.
Consistency: Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. No splatters, no railroad spikes, no mud butt. I have had more immaculate crapceptions in the last week than ever. I wipe and the TP comes off clean. Not even the baby Jesus's birth left Mary's ass this clean.
Odor: Strangely odor-free. Sometimes I like to bask in the thick defecant aroma of my own offal. You know, really appreciate my meals a second time. But this stuff seems to have purged whatever odor causing bacteria used to live in my colon. I had an entire week of what should have been stinky heat farts, but were just heat farts. The lack of response from my coworkers was kinda disappointing. I just want a little recognition when due, that's all.
Urgency: This is one area I don't really appreciate. Within 10 to 45 minutes of drinking the powder mix, I feel the urgent need to "make". I used to have similar experiences with my morning breakfast burrito and black coffee enema. If you decide to try this program, be prepared. There is no stopping Dr. Natura's wrath.
Frequency: Well, as the old saying goes, "You can only crap as much as you eat.. And if you crap out more than you eat, then you better see a doctor." I am averaging about 3 craps a day. One right after taking my medicine, another about an hour later, and then another in the evening. Faaaaaan-tastic!
Satisfaction/Relief: I am one truly satisfied individual. These shits are coming from deep inside me - straight from the heart. I have never had such pleasurable crapping experiences. My legs are quivering in anticipation of another shitty day!
Glory be to god!
User Reviews
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-06-29 17:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-2kakke
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2006-06-29 17:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 cause I chuckled at "There is no stopping Dr. Natura's wrath."
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-06-29 17:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. That's a solid -2.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Honky I've been linking this for too long now:
http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thanks
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
done before.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're just a dumbass.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-29 13:53:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
Been done here before.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhhh, I can feel the hate flowing through you. Good Good. Let it flow, feel it's power!
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If yould've labeled it SPT, maybe it'd get a 0. But you didn't, so it doesn't.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-06-29 14:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So has your mom/sister. That doesn't mean that I go around -2ing their asses.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-29 13:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Been done here before.