New World Order (Some God-Awful Poetry, and a Camwhore For Phuzzygish's Uberdirectory) (1014 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.75 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-06-30 04:19:08 EDT
D-Prime Madness: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89610
"Oh Shit" I screamed as I was startled. Swiftly, I awoke.
"Shut up young man, the master wishes that to you he'll spoke".
I shook my head, confused at this light stranger in my room,
Who said his master wished to "Spoke" to me, I would presume.
"Surely you mean 'speak' back when you mentioned of you master,
I hate to mix up tenses; it could mean quite mass disaster".
"Be still you fool", he boomed and I fell speechless in my bed,
"He who is, and am, and will be, wills just what I said,
So if you have a qualm then I would just like to suggest,
To take it up with him, but sir, you'll stir a hornet's nest."
Far be it for a man like me to cause any commotion,
And so I sat and waited for "The Master" with devotion.
But once he entered into my fair home, I must confess,
The thoughts I had to who this may have been I reassessed.
For now before me stood a man you know now as "Yahweh",
Had chosen to appear before me as one Dr. Dre.
"And how then may one know that he was Alpha and Omega
The one that Mary held in Michelangelo's Pieta?"
And so I say to you who choose to doubt me in my claim,
If I am lying, may the Lord give me some fresh Ptomaine.
And when he entered he threw up his black hand to his ear,
It must have been a sign for his dear help to disappear.
The moment that his deputy was hidden from my view,
He made the purpose of his visit plain by saying, "You,
you need to help me start anew", his planned out speech was stammered,
"For when I made this world, I must admit, I was quite hammered.
I need a New World Order for another breed of man,
And when I brought it up somebody mentioned Average_Dan.
What better man than he to give suggestions for a world,
Of course it may have been who'd look the best as Flowergirl,
At second cousin Peter's wedding later in the week,
But I can't really listen whilst I'm watching Dawson's Creek.
And so I've come to pay a visit to my council on,
The new world that I hadn't planned to make an order on."
I thought about his situation and I must admit,
I run across this problem often, sure it's a hardship,
But fuck it, I've been dealing with mistakes since God knows when,
Why shouldn't he too, when he's made the world that we live in?
"Sorry Christ, I'm sad to say, I cannot bail you out"
And took a surly swig right from the can of Guiness-Stout.
That lay upon the table standing right beside my bed,
And drifted back to slumber wishing I was still breast-fed.
It turns out none of this was true, it was all but a vision,
And thank god that we're in the golden age of television.
'Cause otherwise you'd count on these lame posts for entertainment,
And then there'd be no reason left for human-kind sustainment.
So even if your life is getting to the point of taking,
Just "Skate it off" and quit your whiny, pussy, bellyaching.
So now that here I am without a chance in hell to score,
I'd like to offer Phuzzygish a d'rectory camwhore.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-28 19:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-06-30 05:15:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always said you're the sexiest bitch on this website, aside from me,of course
=========
OOOOH, that IS a tossup
mostly just cause Method is so charming!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-14 05:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jebus that's you?
lovely photo..
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-14 05:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jebub that's you?
lovely photo..
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-03 18:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89913
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-03 11:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really sorry you didn't make it through to the end of American Idol this past season.
Tough break, man.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-06-30 23:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you mean: "duly noted"
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-06-30 22:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Request noted
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-30 22:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 21:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Lishy,
Aaron Lewis isn't a tool. Well, maybe he is, but at least he has the pleasure of resembling me.
===========
Oh, he IS, darling. And he should thank his creator every day that at least he resembles A_D.
I'd rather you sing to me.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 21:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Katy,
I still love you, even though you have never given me a +2.
And
Lishy,
Aaron Lewis isn't a tool. Well, maybe he is, but at least he has the pleasure of resembling me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-30 18:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-30 17:59:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you all. My Staind reference was spot-fucking-on. Look it up if you want to.
========
You've got a point, Teeph. But that Staind guy is a tool and Dan's adorable so I didn't want to say anything.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-30 17:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you all. My Staind reference was spot-fucking-on. Look it up if you want to.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-30 16:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is for the girl on the wall. You, however, remind me of Carson Daly and I hate him. It's not your fault though.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-30 15:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the reworking of grammar to fit the rhyme kinda made me laugh.
emo pic without the hair in your eyes. sad sad emo.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-06-30 14:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-06-30 14:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice camwhore.. and the writing wasn't too bad either!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-30 14:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
_Dan is one of my heroes.
It's true.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 13:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha, Scourge, the _ in your review made it!
By the way, this pic wasn't taken in sepia, I'm just so EVIL no color can survive in my presence!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-06-30 11:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
_ +2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-06-30 11:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmm.... Good picture. Very sexy.
And you holding the bed up to the wall with your back like that isn't bad either.
And Berty - I beg to differ. I look AWESOME in sepia.... It's just normal color that I look crap in.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-30 10:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously though. . . Dude . . . play "It's been a while."
I love that freakin' song.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey.
You remember that time you guys covered "Sober" by Tool?
You remember that?
That was awesome.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-06-30 10:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<GUFAW>
Nice black and white sideways photo with a pin-up in the background.
Fag.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-06-30 10:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow that pic is all artsy fartsy and stuff
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-30 09:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, you whooped me...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-06-30 09:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reads like something off of bablefish that has been translated a couple of times.
I fail to see why you needed another cam whore shot for the directory when you could have used this one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/78267
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-06-30 09:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy means penisy and that's what I shall call him hence forth.
nice poem man. and your uh sexy? cute? uh manly? uh stupid for posting your picture on the internet? who am I to judge? Your averagely awesome and I like your writing, that's all.
Oh, and Penisy, I love your writing man.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-06-30 09:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan hun do you have any extra sexy that you could lend me... just for a lil bit??
I'd like to do a new camwhore and could use all the help I can get.
COMEON BABY GIMME YO SEXY!!!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-30 08:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best camwhore yet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-06-30 08:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What? No name drop???
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-06-30 08:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Emo. Wow, never would have thought you'd go that way.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-30 08:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-06-30 08:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like Colin Farrel. And he's hot :)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 07:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am lying of course. Average Dans hands are so monumentally massive that he can bitch slap an entire street of prossys in one go.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 07:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Average Dan has the tiniest hands. If he cut his fingernails and lubed up his digits he could wear the Olson twins as meat mittens.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-30 06:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flash!!!
AH AHHHHH
SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE!
Are you bored Ming? Care you to destroy the miserable planet of Earth?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-06-30 06:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god. A poem AND a new photo for my collection.
I <3 you baaad.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-06-30 05:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always said you're the sexiest bitch on this website, aside from me,of course
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I not just rate this?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah but it wouldn't have Brian Blessed.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh noes! Average Dan is dead! Whomever shall we get to model for 'Leukemia Fashion' now?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
flesh gordon is a porn parody of flash gordon, considered by many to be even better than the flash gordon movie.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*dies*
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only people who ever looked good in Sepia tones where Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid and they had to die to pull it off.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sepia=pwesome
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww... you look so emo in those sepia tones...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is that a porn stars name? I would be able to use it I think.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Flesh Gordon is soooo much better than Flash Gordon
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Andre Agassi, Tennis star
Aaron Lewis, lead singer for the band, "Staind"
Ming the Merciless, actually, the only reason I know it is because Orgasmatron always calls me it, but he is flash gordon's arch enemy or some such garbage.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who any of those people are, I'm not old enough.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on, can't we stick with Agassi, Aaron Lewis, and Ming the Merciless jokes here?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry Dan. I must confess it makes me feel bad to do it, mostly because I can't decide whether to do a Moby joke or a Roy 'cancer' Castle gag next. The indecision hurts me.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know Berty, please don't rub it in.
No pun intended.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-30 04:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har! Hey baldy, you are bald!