Proof and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoats (546 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.05 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by proofofpurchase (View user info) at 2006-07-03 15:47:15 EDT
I have started taking a stroll around the neighborhood every evening and since discovering that two times around my particular block is equal to one mile, I usually will walk two to four laps depending on my mood. At a comfortable pace I will walk a twenty minute mile, so from start to finish I generally have a half hour to forty five minute span of time to let my mind wander.
I have lived in this place for about two years or so and for the most part it seems like your everyday, ordinary neighborhood give or take.
It is while on these walks that I have truly been able to grade and score how well I like the neighbors based on the color of their house. I now believe I can give my overall area a solid C+ because there are a few houses that bring down the average.
Every place has a peculiar color dwelling that completely throws off the feel of the 'hood. Mine has several. Approximately one block north of my hacienda there is an older block home that I am guessing was built around the 1950's based on the architecture. The color of this house is a somewhat washed out pale moss green, which goes well with the surrounding flora but has obviously seen better days. Based on this particular hue and the shape it is in I would grade the family a B- and while I wouldn't go out of my way to pet the dog and invite over for a BBQ I wouldn't ignore their waves of hello either.
I should actually say that this house WAS a somewhat nice but peeling shade of green because they have recently begun to repaint. Now the first faux pas these homeowners have made is to think this is an undemanding task and do the job themselves. It has now been about 3 weeks and the little venture is only half finished. Mistake number two is the color and subsequently their grade must plummet to a D-. This is where my excess time while walking and creative right-brain kicks into high gear. Everything wrong with them that I was sheltered from when the color of their house sat non-intrusive to my senses can now be seen.
The color is exceptionally appalling. In fact it is so shocking that I can only guess that they must have been pressured to paint the house by well-meaning < ahem> neighbors. These people must have threatened them with mockery and ridicule to the point where they have decided to get back at their aggressors by slapping a hideous tint over the visage of the building they call 'home'.
Before I tell you the color I must tell you that this residence has inhabitants that park boats, yes that is plural, all askew on their front lawn. Not nice shiny new boats but crusty dilapidated fishing boats, one named Seek Hunt that looks to be of no less than 30 years old. (Boat name is a nice play with semantics if I do say so myself, I wonder if he makes his wife drive it) They also have some type of work space out back with, I am guessing here, a lot of environmentally questionable substances which at any given moment could go BANG if ol' Billy boy walks out back before extinguishing his lit cigarette.
Without the boats and workspace nothing out of the ordinary ever happens there. I can't fault them for being of the hillfolk persuasion. Nor can I fault them if by some reason they are actually color blind, all of them. There does seem to be a higher than normal ratio of adults living in that house which strikes me as anomalous however, none of this was noticeable before the color of the house caused me to open my blind eye.
The shade of ones house, I realize, is subjective to the dweller/s much like figure skating however, unlike skating, I cannot go up to the occupants and whack them in the knee for picking a color that looks pretty in the crayon box.
I can only speculate that they are moving unhurriedly on the color conversion as if to give the rest of the neighborhood time to fully appreciate the house and that they only have our safety in mind by causing us to not be caught off guard by the repulsiveness of the tone.
I was ready to cut some slack to their score because of possible 'looking out for our safety' however all of that changed as of yesterday's saunter through the milieu when I caught them communicating in an unusual color-impaired lingua franca to the tenants of what I have coined the "School house".
School House family is easily an F and I have no desire to ever get to know them as I am sure they are a most repulsive lot. If you add some wheels to their house you could drive down the street picking up children because it truly is a distinctive school bus yellow with black trim. I believe the occupants of this house have done this to teach their kids a heinous lesson called 'the sting of embarrassment tops anything bad you could ever do'. This justly prompts me to amend my score to an F+ because embarrassment of your own offspring is a redeeming quality. The addition of the '+' is significant in that my eyes won't catch on fire when I look at them and I might even cock my head to the side as if I heard something when one of them says hello...if no one else were around of course.
Upon eyeing these two specimen conversing it made me wonder if the color of their houses wasn't some sinister plot to make everyone who looks at them involuntarily want to cross over into their world of evil trolls and talking caterpillars. I have noticed that when I pass by their houses I can no longer look away for I become mesmerized by the boldness in their use of pigments. When I finally break my gaze I feel as though I have lost precious moments of life unable to recount the last fifteen steps or so that I took and to my amazement mushrooms have materialized in my pockets.
Today I have vowed to not take my party sauce with me as I am starting to think that it may have something to do with my encounters around the neighborhood. I also want to be clear headed when I tell you about what the queers are doing to the soil.
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know you lived in FatToy's neighborhood.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-07-03 19:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's more fun to walk around and try and guess: who rents?, who owns?, who owns but has no money after making the monthly nut on their house + has no money left to fix a single thing on the broke-dick place?, who owns..has the money..but no time..to fix anything on their broke-dick house, who owns..and is getting ready to do an insurance job on the place to get out from under the crippling monthly payments?, who owns..and spends every last dime on the shack..only to have their kids steal it from them when they get old enough? who owns..and does real cheap detailing and landscaping so they can flip the dump to some unexpecting fool and his family?, is it a gift house from one of the proud parents of some newlyweds? is it a gift house to some under-achieving, spoiled little shit(s) from one or more of their love-buying parents?........
and so on, and so on
there are so many possibilities
every house, when viewed from the sidewalk, tells a more interesting story, than just the fucking paint selection, if you know what to look for, and how to interpret the information
when done properly, it's much more invasive
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FLAKMONKEY APPROVES OF THIS POST!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are right. That's why I changed my rating.
I can't apologize though, it goes against the Uber Constitution.
Never mind, laws are for chumps.
I'm sorry.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge isn't that what writing is supposed to do, why would you need a picture?
Bah, I'm so disappointed.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I changed my mind on the rating.
Have a solid 1.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read this and found I liked the style of it. As it went on became I increasingly anxious and had to exercise extreme self discipline to prevent myself from scrolling down to look at the photo of these two homes which SURELY were to be found below the text.
And then...
Disappointment.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think knowing the actual color was crucial to the story but if you must know it is a beautiful shade of smerf blue with black trim. It really sets itself apart and makes a statement much like hearing your son say, "I don't care if you don't like the fact that I am gay. I have to be true to myself." and then proceeds to dress like a woman.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-07-03 15:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-03 15:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 until you tell us WHAT color the house is, numbnuts.