A Newly Married Man's Advice to Bachelors Everywhere (1771 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty (View user info) at 2006-07-05 14:18:28 EDT
Nitty is back behind a bar.
Yup.
Wedding bills + other expenses + idle hands doing the Devil's work + new bar opening here in town = extra cash in my pocket. Sure, I was hired for 3 nights a week and the fuckers have me pulling 4-6, but I can live with it for now. It's a pain in my ass, but the money's good and the job is fun.
Did you know North Carolina has a law against bartenders drinking on the job? Yeah...the bosses don't care about that one. This is why the job is fun.
In my 2 year bar hiatus I've matured, and apparently have figured a few things out. It was totally by accident, but it's happened all the same. I'm propositioned more now than I ever was.
Shut your hole. I've been a very good boy.
At the risk of sounding like Tucker Max, here are a few things I've learned:
Say Anything.
Literally.
The more obscure, obtuse, and obscene things I say, the more I get the Cocktail 'fuck me' eyes. I have no idea why. I had a girl Friday night yelling at me for what seemed like forever. We were packed, she was waiting her turn, yet she was screaming for her fucking Aristocrat Vodka and Cranberry juice. After a few minutes of this madness I approached her, told her that patience is a virtue, and informed her that if she didn't shut her hole I'd dickslap her and throw her out.
She walked off apparently offended.
Her boyfriend came and asked if I'd actually threatened to 'dickslap' his girlfriend.
I confirmed.
He stomped off.
She came back an hour later, told me I was 'just the funniest thing' and slid me her number.
I stapled it to the wall behind the bar cause I'm an asshole. A married asshole.
Make women gasp in shock with what you tell them.
A fellow barman, Nick, was trying desperately to get this really fine piece of trim to give him her number. She was giving him looks that could freeze lava.
Finally, after he offered to drive her home, she told him he wasn't getting any because she was on the rag. Luckily enough, I happened to be standing close enough to hear this banter.
"On the rag? Fuck that. Nick will pull that shit out with his teeth."
I don't know who gave me a more suprised look, Nick or the gal. I got a laugh, Nick got a number. That's wingmanning to the Nth degree right there.
Don't care.
At all.
Ever.
There are more women than men in this world, so the odds are in our favor. Sure, you can reach for the stars, but when Last Call hits remember that it's ok not to have rules as long as you have standards.
Be POLITE.
I can't tell you how many guys I've seen shot down because they fucking act like Marshall Mathers in 8 Mile. Wear clothes that fit, be able to hold down a convo, and spitting shit does NOT mean idolizing Ike Turner. You will truly catch more flies with honey - as long as you know when to lay the honey on and when to turn around and be the bee.
And if you ever say something that is truly off the wall, and the lady seems repulsed rather than amused, apologize and walk away. She's gone.
Men who flash money in the hopes of ass go home with less money and no ass. No one wants to feel like a whore, so no need in emptying the account just to have a fat roll for the night. No one cares what you drive, what you make, or how much you can spend on a triple Ketel One and Red Bull. It's presumptuous, pretentious, and just amateur. Grow up.
Lastly, and God Bless George Costanza for bringing this to light long ago: A wedding ring does wonders. Why? No idea. I don't wear mine behind the bar because it feels awkward and gets in the way. The wife knows this. She's cool with it. But when my shift ends and I slip it back on and drink a beer or 3, that's when I see the most action. Cheap bands are available for $50 at any local shit jeweler. Invest.
Oh, and I'm rolling on a nice steroid shot due to a severe case of poison ivy accumulated working in my yard over the 4th. This probably made no sense at all.
Now you shut your mouth when you're talking to me. DOS - this picture reminded me of you.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-30 14:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-23 14:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes sense....
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-07-31 03:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bar drama is everything I avoid in life. Funny, I met my wife at a club.
I enjoy being married.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2006-07-31 03:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And when all of that fails....
...remember why God gave us rubber tubing and body bags.....
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2006-07-31 03:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're my hero.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-07-26 17:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I worked at a bar...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-07-08 13:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Informative.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-07-06 11:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard 'em all. `I like you as a friend.' `I think we should see
other people.' `I no speak English.' `I'm married to the sea.' `I
don't want to kill you, but I will ...'
-- Homer Simpson
I Love Lisa
It's true you know.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-07-06 08:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congrats. You managed to recite everything that even I know about picking up bar floozies.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-07-06 05:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thouroughly enjoyed this post Nitty.
+2 indeed!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-07-05 22:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting to see the words "DONT DO IT"
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-05 22:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Nitty,
How I've missed you.
Can you come back and play more often please?
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was shit
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:19:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Women are insane.
Then again, so are men.
_________
Whachoo talkin' 'bout, girl? Menz ain't insane.
Vaginas make one insane. Oh wait. . . . .
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ketel 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Women are insane.
Then again, so are men.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-07-05 18:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is SO true!!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-07-05 17:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll admit it.
I'm a people watcher.
I've seen most of this play out
You're so right, Nitty.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-07-05 17:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
Submitted by GrayGhost (user info) at 2006-07-05 16:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius work. Just what Uber was meant for.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-05 16:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:08:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how in one paragraph, you're saying "Say ANYTHING." And your example to back it up is to tell a girl you're going to dickslap her across the face.
Then a few paragraphs later... "BE POLITE!"
So, putting these together, we get, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to dickslap you across the face."
------
I thought the same thing.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-05 16:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This would be the appropriate place for the Chris Rock line about how it's only when you're married that you get a phone call from some girl saying "we're going to have a blowjob contest and we thought you'd make a great judge."
Too bad I don't know the whole line.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you Tom Cruise!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wow. 'Avoid the clap,' Jim Dougan."
"HEY THAT'S GOOD ADVICE!"
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:58:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
"No one cares what you drive, what you make, or how much you can spend on a triple Ketel One and Red Bull. It's presumptuous, pretentious, and just amateur. Grow up."
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I fucking hate guys like that. I walk away everytime.
===
You mean "hop away" right?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is solid advice - although let's be honest Nitty, a lot of your success is due to the 8" guns you're sporting, rather than the cliched lines, hmm?
Most of the UberGeeks round here have cannons a Coast Guard cutter would laugh at...
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to The Wingman of The Year
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok well i care what type of car a guy drives... but then again i'm not so much caring about the cost of the vehicle as much as i am whether it's a classic or not.
i'm a sucker for a 64 1/2 mustang.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:58:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
"No one cares what you drive, what you make, or how much you can spend on a triple Ketel One and Red Bull. It's presumptuous, pretentious, and just amateur. Grow up."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But I DO this!
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how in one paragraph, you're saying "Say ANYTHING." And your example to back it up is to tell a girl you're going to dickslap her across the face.
Then a few paragraphs later... "BE POLITE!"
So, putting these together, we get, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to dickslap you across the face."
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:08:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
here's a prediction:
soon you'll be fucking around behind your wife's back.
you want to.
you know you do.
you will.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf is 'barbacking'
did you mean to write 'barebacking'? Like when your boyfriend brings out the whip and the assless chaps?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 D_0_S
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-05 15:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I barbacked, I learned all this shit.
God how true it is...
"Yo bay-bee, what's a fly honey like you doin' witout a man like me on her arm?"
"Enjoying herself. Fuck off."
I still remember that guy crying in a booth.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No one cares what you drive, what you make, or how much you can spend on a triple Ketel One and Red Bull. It's presumptuous, pretentious, and just amateur. Grow up."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I fucking hate guys like that. I walk away everytime.
Oh, and If you do that one more time, I'm gonna knock your teeth down your throat.
And one more thing. I know you're a very good boy.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another great one by the Man, Myth, Legend: Nitty.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how do you know NO ONE wants to feel like a whore?
not saying that i do or anything...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever, but be sure to tell them that they will have a rectangular bruise with a bell shaped end.
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
And... being divorced myself... all I can say is good luck with that... being single is a shit load more fun, though I didn't think so at first.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Men who flash money in the hopes of ass go home with less money and no ass. No one wants to feel like a whore, so no need in emptying the account just to have a fat roll for the night. No one cares what you drive, what you make, or how much you can spend on a triple Ketel One and Red Bull. It's presumptuous, pretentious, and just amateur. Grow up.
No wonder I've reached "Expert" status in the Masturbation World Rankings.
You SURE it doesn't work?
Maybe it works for me because I don't use a mixer.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No money and a dickslap comment always works for me.
But it always falls apart when I ask to see the weapon.
DON'T SAY IT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT!!!!
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been using the dickslap line for years. I'd say it has about a 60% success rate.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold, as always.
Submitted by Candyapple (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was awesome! As a bar frequenter, I couldn't agree more. You rock!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Pimpin' ain't easy...but it sho is fun!"
Submitted by pussinboots (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The more obscure, obtuse, and obscene things I say, the more I get the Cocktail 'fuck me' eyes. I have no idea why. I had a girl Friday night yelling at me for what seemed like forever. We were packed, she was waiting her turn, yet she was screaming for her fucking Aristocrat Vodka and Cranberry juice. After a few minutes of this madness I approached her, told her that patience is a virtue, and informed her that if she didn't shut her hole I'd dickslap her and throw her out.
She walked off apparently offended.
Her boyfriend came and asked if I'd actually threatened to 'dickslap' his girlfriend.
I confirmed.
He stomped off.
She came back an hour later, told me I was 'just the funniest thing' and slid me her number.
I stapled it to the wall behind the bar cause I'm an asshole. A married asshole. "
---------
Hilarious!!!!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
don't do it?
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:24:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
Advice from a divorced man to a newly married one:
You shouldn't have done it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If I had a dollar for every time I heard that I wouldn't be back behind a bar.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Advice from a divorced man to a newly married one:
You shouldn't have done it.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. I am so fucking glad that I'm married.
I didn't understand half the shit you were talking about here. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-07-05 14:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment