That bonus level must fucking rule (626 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.87 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HZRD (View user info) at 2006-07-05 20:08:27 EDT
Seriously, you've been a big bowl of douche lately. Turning a blind eye while some dude steals my umbrella today? Hilarious.
That tumble I took yesterday over that pesky curb before I got drunk was the definition of priceless, I agree.
I can picture you laughing until tears ran down your cheeks as I accidentally peed on my feet as a thunderclap went off at 5 a.m. this morning. Good times, man, good times
The guy splashing me at 50 m.p.h. as I walked home today? You really are awesome, just like they say.
Is it really any wonder I think you're a jerk? It seemed like you were on my side as I had my first sexual experience/threesome on my birthday sophomore year of high school. I would have made her give you a major shout-out, but it only lasted about five minutes - about three seconds inside and four minutes and 57 seconds crying. Being called "two-pump" for years afterward was truly the tightly-wound shit on my birthday cake. Yeah, happy birthday to ME, right? I mean, dude, come on, I know it was my best friend's sister, but you saw those titties and we both know they didn't say no! I guess that was good looks on never letting my best bud know, but you didn't have to make him fuck my other ex in the hotel room next to me over Senior Week. I bet you got a huge rubbery one when she yelled out your name, too. I still hear Boston's "More Than a Feeling" in my nightmares. What's that? Yeah, I know you know, you sick fucker. Know what? I'm going to throat punch Tom Scholz when I get to heaven and see how you like that!
Speaking of music - it wasn't like we wrote good songs in my basement, but you could have let my drum set and my buddy's guitar setup survive the flood at least! Man, I thought you might like my lyrics about painkillers and sex. Write about what you know, right? Oh come on, stop laughing, I know my sex life sucks. Yes, I remember when I shot it in my own eye and Heather laughed. Ha-ha. Yes, how could I forget that I had to tell my parents it was pink eye when I came home for Christmas break the next day. Yeah - laugh it up, chuckles, get it all out. You done now?
You know I don't get it - I never once mentioned you being a huge asshole in any of those six songs... no wait, there was that one line about your big dick raping me with no lube. I mean, at least it was true - we both know your opinion on that. Sigh... yes, I do agree that "bareback" is more natural, but not where I poop from, OK? Please, I've been walking like I just got off a horse since third grade. Oh come on, you remember - I got beaned by the high hard foul coming back from the bathroom at the Mets game. Puking through tears onto the guy in front of me must have been extra bonus points, huh?
Whoa, 544,099 points? Yeah, I guess that seems about right. I hope you rocked that bonus level.
Anyway, look, I'm really tired of this relationship. Let's try to start this over on the good foot, as they say. Hi, I'm HZRD. What's your na- Goddamn it! I hate it when you take your hand away like that. You'd think that joke would get old after five billion years, but I guess not. Really, your sense of humor kind of sucks, man. OK, we'll try this again - I'm HZRD, and you are? Nice to meet you, God...no I will not smell the flower on your lapel!
You really are a fucking jerk.
User Reviews
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:16:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
I would think that listening to Fall Out Boy would be punishment enough, wouldn't you?
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're supposed to last longer than 2 pumps?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-07-06 05:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God is indeed a cunt!
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-07-06 01:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-07-06 00:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God sux and so does life. Deep.
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:16:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
I would think that listening to Fall Out Boy would be punishment enough, wouldn't you?
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JonnyX, regardless of if you hate every contribution I've ever made to the world, I gotta agree with you.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the fuck you been the last eleven months?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would think that listening to Fall Out Boy would be punishment enough, wouldn't you?