"See, Dildo will eat anything" (688 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.25 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-07-06 14:43:41 EDT
It was the first time my college roommate had ever been camping. He grew up very, very sheltered whereas I......well, things were different.
It was our second day in George Washington National park and we'd spent all morning standing waste deep in a stream trying spear fish. Turns out spearing mountain trout is a lot harder than it seems. Especially so when you're not physically inclined like my roommate. Plus, he was hairy like a wookie and I think the fish could sense the hairy beast in the water standing perfectly still wasn't some strange, hairy fallen log.
After only spearing a fish or two we gave up and retreated back to the campsite to cook some lunch. I had to teach him the finer points of making a fire with a single match. He insisted we use gasoline and a lighter. I put his pyromania in check and showed him a few simple style of fires and cookfires (yes, there's a difference).
As we sat filled to the brim with steak we heard footsteps coming our way from the dirt road further down the mountain. From behind my Toyota pickup came the ugliest little Jack Russell hauling ass right at us. Matt did some little girl motion with a leg in the air and two hands over his head. I just sat there with my K-bar and a bag of chips. Following the dog came the dirtiest looking hippy I'd ever seen.
He had an overgrown beard littered with food and bits of leaves. A yellow t-shirt that had some old band's name across the chest and some camo pants. And of course, some sandals and a red bandana.
Faced with a rather odd couple in the middle of the Blue Ridge Mountains, 40 miles from civilization, 600 yards from the access road that weaved through the mountain pass and yards away from the keys to my truck, the crazy hippie spoke.
(This is pretty much what I could translate.)
Hippy: Well hello dere! Wut yall doin'?
Me/Matt: uh......camping????
Hippy: Das fine, das fine. I'm up heya lookin' fo sum flat rocks to make me a table and sell at dem craft shows up in town.
Me: Oh, yeah, ok.
Hippy: Yall see any of dem flat rocks? Dey be up heya in da dirt. Ya just dust em off, polish dem a bit and den you paint on em or what have you and people pay for dem and call it crafty.
Me: Gotcha, so what can we do for you? Want some chips or something?
Matt: What's wrong with your dog?
Hippy: Damn rattlesnake bit him in da face. Dildo, he's a tough muffucka.
Me: What did you say?
Matt: What the fu....
Hippy: Dildo, he a good dog but tough. He chewed him up a snake da other day and got bit. He'll be fine.
Me: His face is all jacked man, maybe you should take him to a vet.
Matt: What was his name again? (He whispers to me, "Did he just fucking say his dog's name was Dildo?"
Hippy: Ma sister's a vet, well, with horses. He'll be cool. Dildo, he'll eat anything. He'd eat shit if you rolled in butta.
Me: Dildo?
Hippy: Yeah, Dildo always be eatin' sumthin. Snakes, birds, rocks.
Matt: You call him Dildo?
Me: Like the sex toy?
Hippy: No no no, Dildo, he a good dog.
Matt: Dude, you said it again. (This time he looked at me with that "Oh shit, some Deliverance type stuff is gonna go down)
After a long awkward pause and after the dirty hippie looked us up and down for a minute or two, he continued.
Hippy: Hmm, say, you boys got any beers?
Me: No dude, fresh out.
Hippy: Dildo, he likes beer. You boys got any weed?
Me: No man, we don't smoke.
Hippy: Shame, well I'll see you boys later. Be careful gettin' down da mountain.
He turned to leave and Matt and I just looked at each, "Dildo?"
From behind my truck on his way down he yelled, "Dale, like Dale Earnhardt."
God damn country accent using hippies. God damn Staunton, Virginia and their dirty hippies.
User Reviews
Submitted by URMY_bitch (user info) at 2006-08-12 10:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-07-07 08:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I met that guy, or his retarded half-brother up in Stan-ton.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-07 08:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least Dildo didn't knock your friend down and start humping him frantically.
That happened to one of my friends back in the day on a Boy Scout camping trip.
Damn stray dog.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-07-07 07:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-07-06 17:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-06 16:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn Staunton, Virginia and their dirty hippies
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that line SEALED THE DEAL, BABY
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-06 15:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-06 15:14:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/07/06/D8IMK8H00.html
Funniest fucking news piece I've read in a while. Especially because the guy was carrying a teddy bear.
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Funny people not taking their meds...
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-06 15:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:56:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Staunton.
Go Harrisonburg woo.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-06 15:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/07/06/D8IMK8H00.html
Funniest fucking news piece I've read in a while. Especially because the guy was carrying a teddy bear.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-06 15:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-06 15:05:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, his style is a little different. He wants to through a bunch of sticks, logs and kinding together in a pile, then dump gas all over it, then light a toilet paper roll and toss it in from ten feet away. That's only if the huge pile of leaves the he stacks on the randomly strewn sticks doesn't light the sticks.
But, there are more than just those two types. I've got a whole book on it.
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Up here wcall that lighting a fire like and Indian...
I AM GOING CAMPING THIS WEEKEND, I LEAVE IN IN UNDER 4 HOURS
I CAN WAIT.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-06 15:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, his style is a little different. He wants to through a bunch of sticks, logs and kinding together in a pile, then dump gas all over it, then light a toilet paper roll and toss it in from ten feet away. That's only if the huge pile of leaves the he stacks on the randomly strewn sticks doesn't light the sticks.
But, there are more than just those two types. I've got a whole book on it.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I put his pyromania in check and showed him a few simple style of fires and cookfires"
The teepee vs the log cabin...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, ever go back and read something and it sounds completely different. There's a hammock making hippy community around Staunton. West of Charlottesville a ways, close to Staunton. You probably know what I'm talking about.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Staunton.
Go Harrisonburg woo.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking wildcat...
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to date a girl from Staunton. I learned about all the Stauntonian bullshit. God I hate the fucking town.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have known better to be in Staunton when it's not pronounced how it looks. Also, somewhere around that are they have a Hammock making community with a bunch of hippies.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Dildos
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-06 14:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hippies...