Temples of Gold (1219 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.98 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-07-07 03:00:33 EDT
D-Prime Madness: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89913
I've always enjoyed a nice set of eyeglasses.
It all started when I was but a small child. For some reason, I had a fixation with being fucked up. Not in the sense that I really wanted to do drugs, but in the sense that I yearned for something to be physically wrong with me. I saw the kids at school with the braces and thought, they were failures.
I wanted, not only the braces (even though my teeth were perfectly straight), but the thickest glasses money could buy and some sort of metal apparatus around each of my legs. That would be my goal, to be an incapacitated, snaggle-toothed, walleyed freak, and everyone would love me. I was sure of it.
But this post is about glasses and not my aspirations as a child.
So back to the glasses. Is it just me, or do glasses add at least a half point to the 1-10 rating of a female? Now, I'm far above banging a 3, but throw a pair of horn-rims on her, and I'll be knee-deep before you can say, "You're the one who has to wake up with that".
I think it's either because I have a fantasy involving a librarian, a half-emptied book rack, and a pair of channel locks, or because none of the girls that I've ever dated wore glasses (which is not to say that they shouldn't have, this is further perpetuated by the fact that they were, indeed, dating me. But I'm not above taking advantage of other's disabilities. This also goes for the completely blind and not just those requiring lasik, or prescription corrective lenses).
(Or the retarded)
Maybe it's the intellectual look, or maybe it's the fact that a woman that wore glasses would be easily utilized in the case of an island desertion due to an airplane crash/ship wreck. Think of all the possibilities the seemingly useless glasses could present.
1.) Two monocles. Each of you could fashionably walk the island, presumably role playing as the Monopoly man, and Mr. Peanut. I don't really know any other individuals that habitually rock monocles, so that would be about as far as that would go, but I assume, with nothing else to do but count each other's pores or play endless rounds of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, this could work it's way into everyday entertainment for the two of you.
2.) A high powered telescope. You could use a large palmetto leaf (or whatever leaf was available to you. I'd imagine it would depend on your particular geographical deserted location) and put one lens on one side and the other on the side opposite, preferably in a conical configuration, and would boost the magnification to another level. Unless you are farsighted, then it would probably just make everything really small, which would help in trying to grasp the immensity of the universe. I think I saw Azim do it in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
3.) Reigning down death and unimaginable torture on countless legions of Godless ants. While this may serve partially as entertainment, I believe it is a duty of every man, woman and child. Ants killed my pet Praying Mantis when I was but a young and braceless child. And they ate the body of our Lord Jesus Christ, (which makes me wonder about what Catholics are eating during communion. Ant turds? Ir surely tastes like it.) so I have been on a holy quest ever since, to rid the world of these damnable creatures. The magnifying glass works better, but you're on an island. WHERE THE HELL WOULD YOU FIND A MAGNIFYING GLASS? Plus, ants make great kindling for starting a fire. As does your female companion.
4.) After many, many washings in the salt water, your undergarments will turn to tatters. While the nudity will not be a problem (there is no one else but your female companion around to laugh at your pitifully shrunken and sunburned wang) testicular support will be. That's why I would take the lens-less frames and fix them up with shoe strings. Your manly beef cubes should fit right in the eye pieces. I prefer Cartier glasses with TEMPLES OF GOLD and wood (pictured below) because quite frankly, I like my testicles the way I like my steak. Spoiled.
I've been around long enough to know that you shouldn't compromise your standards for a mate, so I hereby vow, the next girlfriend I have shall wear glasses, if only for the reasons listed above in the slim, yet still viable chance of island desertion. While I'm at it, I have a few other little qualities I should like to find in a mate. She should be well spoken, vegetarian, with dark hair and light eyes.
I'll also take a blonde haired, brown-eyed, carnivore with a speech impediment that wears contacts.
I'm not really that picky.
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost my glasses :(
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-11 15:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
odd, apparently I haven't with this name.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-11 13:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, this dude Kevin (same last name of Mike here) runs a recording company in Austin, TX that I have been trying to get in touch with.
I really wonder if people will do the research necessary to find out 00295's last name?!?!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-07-11 13:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-07-11 08:03:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:21:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you don't have a brother named Kevin do you?
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Nope
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Dan, you don't mean Kevin00295? I know that same guy!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-07-11 08:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:21:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you don't have a brother named Kevin do you?
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Nope
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-07-10 16:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-07-09 18:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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1.) Two monocles. Each of you could fashionably walk the island, presumably role playing as the Monopoly man, and Mr. Peanut.
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Comedy fucking GOLD
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-09 17:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WINNAR
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-07 23:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If your next girlfriend wears glasses she may be able to see
your teeny weenie. :)
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you gonna have my babies soon, or what???
MY SEMEN IS GETTING ANXIOUS.
*anxious ass semen being anxious as shit*
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-07 18:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey hitwhore- go see mine. It's got Guinness, and lesbians, and a picture of ghola, and maybe even some surprises! I'll still probably lose, though.
Sigh.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-07-07 16:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This_was_hilarious_,_man_.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a fantasy involving a librarian, a half-emptied book rack, and a pair of channel locks
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fact: Glasses do make chicks hotter.
Requirements for female companion:
2 holes and a heartbeat. Heartbeat optional.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But I like it
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It doesn't quite work for me somehow
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The inner workings of your mind please me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-07 10:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only you could come up with this play on the title. This is why I'd wear glasses for you.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-07 08:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you were a really strange kid.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-07 08:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NEEDS MORE _
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-07-07 08:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"which would help in trying to grasp the immensity of the universe"
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Who DOESN'T need something to help us grasp the immensity of the universe? I know I need something to help me grasp the immensity of the universe. Myspace me beyotch.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-07-07 05:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it, rated it, loved it! Glasses it is!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol - I'm now slightly disturbed. But you've given me another word for balls... thereby making my day.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:22:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been really busty the past couple of weeks. I'll try and post something or other but I suspect I'm going out this round.
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Oh great, now Uber knows I've had a sex change
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been really busty the past couple of weeks. I'll try and post something or other but I suspect I'm going out this round.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The funniset bit of this was suddenly seeing TEMPLES OF GOLD and realising that was as close as you were going to get to the title
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-07 03:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There goes my hopes of both me and rad moving on
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-07 03:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NO WHITE SPACE w000000000000000000!