A coffee to go, please. (640 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.44 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by proofofpurchase (View user info) at 2006-07-07 12:23:34 EDT
Too many of you have not read this---->http://www.ubersite.com/m/89993
Yesterday on my way to work I was sitting in heavier than usual morning rush hour traffic on I-4 in Orlando. I perform a diabolically stupid feat each and every day by driving 100 miles round-trip through no less than four counties. However, I do this to live in an area that is populated with old oak trees and historical houses instead of living where they cut down every single living thing sticking out of the ground and stack houses like sardines.
Urban sprawl, it's like trying to run away from an avalanche.
Anyway, my car is a Korean made money trap marketed to poor Americans. I hold on to it because I have no car payment and by golly I am going to drive it into the ground. I think it is nearly there.
This past December I blew the timing belt and had to have the valves and some other component machined to the tune of no less than the equivalent of 10 coffee cans full of quarters. 'No problem', says I with a finger in the air, as long as it will run for another year I will get my money's worth. Who cares that none of the windows can be rolled down and I can't lock the driver side door unless I want to crawl over the center console and out the passenger side.
So I am on my way to work in stop and go traffic only when I stop there is no go. Every time I would come to a stop my car would stall out. What a pain in the ass I think to myself so I decide to pull over to the side of the road make a phone call and wait out the traffic. Well I didn't charge my phone but I did find a sticky note attached to it that said 'You cannot use your phone because you were too lazy to pluck it from your purse and put it on the charger blah, blah, blah you suck at life, hope you like my law, Love Murphy', so I waited, and waited, and waited until Mr. Road Ranger came to the rescue and let me use his phone. Don't tell anybody he did that though, for some reason he said I couldn't say anything...to anybody...ever. You guys keep secrets, right?
I call my husband who says, 'just call our towing company', because we have one now that we use it so much for my car, and 'have them tow it to our mechanic', because we have one now for the exact same reason.
Tow truck dude shows up and saves the day, yay! Gets the car up on the truck and then asks me if I would like my coffee out of the console because it might spill. Ordinarily I would have said no but then my mind flashed to El Husbando informing me that he doesn't like it when I leave my coffee cup in the car because the bouquet of old warmed over coffee is revolting. Never mind that the car is almost ten years old and Proof is the only one brave enough to still drive it, he thinks it's gross. By the way, he is the one driving the shiny new car purchased less than a year ago and only drives 10 miles to work. When I think of him sitting nice and comfy with his properly functioning automobile complete with ice-cold AC and interior panels still intact my love for him curls at the edges. Anyway, I say, 'yes, fetch me my coffee'. We make it to the mechanic and I leave them my key. I decide that since I live only about three miles from the place and it is sunny outside I will walk home and wait there.
I start my journey only to realize halfway into it that it was not a great notion with heels on. Not only that but between the mechanic and my house lay some very seedy side streets and a woman clad in heels and carrying a briefcase in one hand and an empty coffee thermos in the other was a little out of place.
Three quarters of the way home my dogs are howling like their asses were set on fire, sweat is beading up on my upper lip like a glistening mustache from the sea and I am walking in the street because, you guessed it, there are no sidewalks. In the midst of this all I can think of is, 'Gee, I hope my hair still looks good' because the world is at peace if it is.
Coming up on my house was the sweetest thing since playing skee-ball at Chuck E. Cheese and scoring a gazillion tickets in front of all my friends in fifth grade. I unlock the door to the house and plop down on the couch. I dial the old chap's cell while I kick off my shoes to tell him I made it home and all he can ask me is, 'You took the coffee cup out of the car, right, because it'll be humming by tomorrow.'
A random Google search brought up the following picture when I plugged in Korean, enjoy!
User Reviews
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-07-08 00:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're like the Bizzaro world loki
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-07-07 13:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice read.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-07 13:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A Daewoo perchance?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-07 13:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wondered why Hacksaw Jim didn't carry around a, oh I don't know, hacksaw? I get the two by four being more menacing, but you rarely use a hacksaw on wood. He could have carried around a pipe or something that would have been more fitting.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should just take his car
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good enough.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-07-07 12:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't even touch I-4. Worst freeway ever.