Some Suggestions for the Fatties (1134 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-07-07 13:56:24 EDT
Here I sit on a Friday doing nothing. I leave in an hour to sign some paperwork to sell my house. I'm brimming with Ben Stein style excitement right now.
That's not what I'm here for though, I'm here to make a few suggestions to my fellow Americans and a few Canadians to which this might apply.
We're fucking fat. Face it, you fat fucks. It's the truth and it's staring at your double chinned face every morning in the mirror. I have some ideas for you fatties. Some things that might make a difference in the long run for you.
There needs to be a change in all this 'convenience' you people covet. Things need to be a little harder for you if you are fat. No no, buying two plane tickets instead of one is not an issue. The following are:
Escalators: What a bunch of bullshit. These things scream absolute laziness. It's like you want go up some stairs but don't feel like actually putting forth the effort . And besides, what ever happened to elevators? Did you fat fucks phase those out because you wanted to fit in with all the people still able to use stairs? Hey look at that, the Dairy Queen shop is having a two for one deal on ice cream cones! Too bad they're upstairs. Oh wait, the wannabe stairs are moving. Go waddle your fat ass over there and get that ice cream you pudgy grub. The solution to this is obviously breaking all escalators. Then they revert to their primordial ancestors: stairs. This is common knowledge.
Automatic Transmissions: Now I know there are plenty of people out there that can't drive a manual. That's fine. You probably have the ability to learn though. Fatties, on the other hand, should be forced to drive a manual just so they can keep those limbs moving. You know, to keep the bugs from setting up shop in the folds of stinky yellow flesh. I hate seeing some fat bitch driving a car, talking on her god damn cell phone and eating her Big Mac in stop and go traffic. What happens if she's driving stick? Instant fucking diet. No more eating in city traffic. No more talking on the cell because shifting gears is imperative. No more making ham sandwiches for her fat larvae in the back while driving. It would be great.
Power Steering: While driving on the highway, this isn't an issue. Trust me. My first truck didn't have power steering. It's tough turning a wheel on a car without power steering when it's stopped though. I'd love to just sit back and watch some fatty with her 3 little brats in the back of her huge SUV try to parallel park. It would be worthy of a game show. She'd start sweating just tugging on the wheel with the car's AC still blowing on max. Giant rings of sweat would be evident under her arms when she gets out of her SUV, proving that just turning the wheel was the most work she'd done since her husband's birthday night 8 months before, and even then she just laid there and said "fuck my face".
Shopping Carts: Fuck 'em. Fatties would only be able to carry out of the supermarket what they could physically handle in one of those tiny baskets the stores leave at the front for customers to use. I hear cookie dough and 6 gallons of milk can get heavy too. They could carry more if they employed their children to do so.......but do you ever see these rollie pollies ever do anything useful?
Automatic Doors: Oh noes! The door won't open on its own! I'm stuck in here forever!!! Fuck, that's sad. I went to the mall today for lunch and saw some woman stand there and wait for the sensor on the door to open for her while I walked right on by and opened it up. Bitch didn't realize that all the doors had to be physically opened. The automatic door was broken. I wanted to laugh in her face when I pushed through the door but she wouldn't have understood.
Finally....
Toilets: No longer shall fatties be allowed toilets. Well, not American thrown-like toilets. They should be forced to use the Japanese/Chinese style of toilet. Ever see those things? Fatties would freak out. They'd actually have to squat and then stand back up. OH THE HUMANITY!!!!! If bathrooms across the US were changed over night to this style of toilet, I bet there would be a record breaking account of heart attacks, strokes, hernias, and dehydration in hospitals across the country. Dehydration because I can only imagine some fat fucking teenagers would just give up after a try or two to get up and would sit there until someone came looking for them. Then I'm sure one of them would write a book about their scarring ordeal.
User Reviews
Submitted by URMY_bitch (user info) at 2006-08-12 10:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-07-10 18:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Escalators: Cant agree with that one, sorry, but if you're in a mall or some shit and you're carrying 50 bags of shopping etc, you dont wanna have to spend all day lugging that shit up and down staris, fat or not.
Automatic Transmissions: Autos are gay. (except if they're some super-trick transmission in a supercar)
Power Steering: Ok, you've obviously never driven a powerful 4-wheel drive, or a lowered car, or a car with wide tyres. Please shut up.
Shopping Carts: Yea, great, lets all carry 50 bags of shopping around everywhere... see the escalators comment.
Automatic Doors: Meh, they're merely a convenience, it's not like opening a door burns any calories.
Toilets: Uhhh... retarded. Feel free to use the squat toilets if you want, I'll stick to actually sitting on a seat, in comfort.
Maybe next time you want to bitch about "fatties" you think of something USEFUL to say, like: "Sort your eating habits out, eat healthy" because it's NOT the "laziness" of people causing obesity anywhere near as much as it's terrible eating habits and bad foods that are causing society to have such a massive obesity epidemic.
BTW, I'm not Canadian OR American. Or fat.
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2006-07-09 12:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-09 12:07:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-07-08 21:50:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-08 19:15:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
The French have those hole in the floor dealies too.
They're fun to piss in as you feel a real sense of freedom, as if you shouldn't be standing in a free space with your wang out.
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Those "toilets" are disgusting, especially for women.
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and for those wearing open shoes or shorts. The splashback is gross
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NIIIIIIIIIIICE
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-09 12:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Just another reason the Oriental countries will never catch us. They don't
even know shit. . .
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-09 12:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-07-08 21:50:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-08 19:15:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
The French have those hole in the floor dealies too.
They're fun to piss in as you feel a real sense of freedom, as if you shouldn't be standing in a free space with your wang out.
-----------------------------------------
Those "toilets" are disgusting, especially for women.
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and for those wearing open shoes or shorts. The splashback is gross
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-07-09 02:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh... I wouldn't want to use that toilet if I was a 98 lb Olympic gymnast.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-07-08 21:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-08 19:15:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
The French have those hole in the floor dealies too.
They're fun to piss in as you feel a real sense of freedom, as if you shouldn't be standing in a free space with your wang out.
-----------------------------------------
Those "toilets" are disgusting, especially for women.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-08 19:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The French have those hole in the floor dealies too.
They're fun to piss in as you feel a real sense of freedom, as if you shouldn't be standing in a free space with your wang out.
Aside from this minor headfuck, there is also the funtimes that could be had; like how high can you get your stream and how far can you stand from the china thing and still make the hole?
Fun times.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-07-08 18:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a fatty roommate in college. We shared a bathroom. When I went to clean it at the end of the year (gross huh?), there was shit on the floor. Not piles of it, just sprayed shit, like he couldn't keep his ass on the seat after a couple days of nonstop chili and chicken. I can only imagine the horrors if one of THOSE toilets had been installed.
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-07-08 17:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god yeah, especially the escalators
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-07-08 05:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 brcause I was just expecting a: Loose some fucking weight.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2006-07-08 04:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all so true. Though I think driving in general was a lazy thing for me in the past, I do miss when my 1961 T-Bird used to overheat and die in stop-and-go traffic--during rush hour in L.A.--and I'd have to get out and crank that steering wheel while pushing the monstrosity out of the roadway. Now that's a workout!
Yes, those Asian toilets would kill people here. Notice how they don't even have handrails to hoist yourself up! They must have amazing knee joints over there.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-07-08 01:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why even install porcelain? it would be more efficient to just install a grated floor. that would be more fun anyhow.
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-07-08 00:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-07-07 23:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate those toilets...
I always end up pissing on the floor...
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2006-07-07 23:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
....A japanese bathtub.......................
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My dick's a stick shift, Julie. Have yourself a field day.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:04:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:48:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I drive a stick shift. Automatics scare me because they go when you aren't even pushing the gas.
Another wonderful driver.
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I'm actually a pretty good driver for L.A. standards. I learned how to drive on a stick shift so the first time I tried to drive an automatic, I almost crashed 3-4 times before I left the parking lot. I didn't know they move when you're not pushing the gas or brake because no one ever told me. Since then I just don't like automatics.
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, the guy that invented escalators killed himself. As the story goes...
He made them because people that were always late for work could get there faster. He intended them to be used while walking up them. He got so depressed and upset when he saw everyone just standing on them instead of walking up them, he killed himself.
True story.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:48:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I drive a stick shift. Automatics scare me because they go when you aren't even pushing the gas.
Another wonderful driver.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I drive a stick shift. Automatics scare me because they go when you aren't even pushing the gas.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey now!
Escalators are a great work out!
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
Really?
*whisper* *whisper*
No shit...
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
Well fucking hell, I didn't know I was going the wrong way....
Nevermind.
Move along.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blow me!
I'm not using that toilet. Even whilst squatting, think about the splashback from a particularly dense turd.
Thanks but no thanks.
How's your wifey?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-07 17:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:58:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:40:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick shifts are the way to go.
I can apply makeup (yeah right) while driving stick and talking on my cell while stirring my banana strawberry smoothie from Dunkin Donuts while flipping you off at the same time.
BEAT THAT NON MULTI-TASKING BIZNITCHES!!!!
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spray paint isn't make up honey.
*smooch*
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Well my concrete foundation is!
Feel free me some from www.nocureforugly.net
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:58:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:40:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick shifts are the way to go.
I can apply makeup (yeah right) while driving stick and talking on my cell while stirring my banana strawberry smoothie from Dunkin Donuts while flipping you off at the same time.
BEAT THAT NON MULTI-TASKING BIZNITCHES!!!!
---------
spray paint isn't make up honey.
*smooch*
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:40:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick shifts are the way to go.
I can apply makeup (yeah right)
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ok, that gets a +1
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
\
I approve of this post.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the escalators at Shea Stadium. 4 miles is a long way to walk before stuffing one's face with hot dogs and beer.
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If your at the airport though, escalators are ok, cause they haul the luggage too. I'm too short to lift the luggage up the steps. I look like a 2 year old.
step up, heave luggage up 2 steps, step up....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm "off" of fast food...starting, ummm, 3 days ago.
I'll be a lean, mean, fighting machine again in no time at all.
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:33:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not fat, assmunch...speak for your fatass self.
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It's interesting to note that you are the only that seems to have a problem with his generalization. Maybe you should take a few notes, fatty?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Isn't this the same formula that's been done 100 times?
Why yes. It is. And not very well.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can get road head in downtown stop and go traffic going uphill while eating a Wendy's frosty.
And yes, I did that just once. Without stalling. Beat that. That's way harder, what with that one stiff leg the whole time.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick shifts are the way to go.
I can apply makeup (yeah right) while driving stick and talking on my cell while stirring my banana strawberry smoothie from Dunkin Donuts while flipping you off at the same time.
BEAT THAT NON MULTI-TASKING BIZNITCHES!!!!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you've got a point on a couple of those. especially the grocery cart one.
peeing in a hole would suck. that's only for when you're drunk and outdoors. porcelain = splashback.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not fat, assmunch...speak for your fatass self.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you go up to Staunton, take a bottle of patchouli oil with you and you can make a trap for him. Or cut down a tree in front of him.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I fucked that one up. Shit. I'm heading up to the Staunton area after work to go camping again. I hope I don't see the Dildo guy.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear god, That is a japanese/chinese toilet?
*takes a note*
Never go to japan or china.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed. "Throne" vs. thrown. That's all, well done.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not fat..
*belches and reaches for another twikie cause goddamn those things are addictive*
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-07-07 14:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus Two
Good luck with your house.