My Adventure With The Raelians (TBU) (850 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.01 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JonnyX (View user info) at 2006-07-07 15:27:28 EDT
Re-imagined from http://www.ubersite.com/m/90020
I don't know if you guys remember, but a few years back there was this weird tribe/religion/cult that claimed they had cloned a human being. They were called the ''Raelians'', as their ''leader'' is called Raël.. But here it is pronounced Raoul, so we'll call him that.
Anyhow, these fuckers are BIZARRE. To start off with, their gods consist (no joke) of Aliens. And I'm not talking about Ridley Scott's Aliens, because that would be pretty sweet. No I'm talking about the stupid obvious kind, from the 50s, like cardboard robots and shit.
Their headquarters unfortunately, is like... half an hour from my parents house. If you drive by, there's all kinds of weird buildings covered in aluminum foil, and a huge mobile, made of huge things that very very closely resemble boobs.
Long story short, they're all crazy fuckers, and there's no way in hell they ever cloned a human.
Anyhow, a few years ago, one of my friends was having a party in the same town as the Raelians. We were having a great time, and everyone was pretty smashed. Jimbo had shotgunned an entire six-pack, I had done 5 shots of 100-proof SoCo, and TJ beer-bonged a Green Flush (50/50 beer & Jagermeister) - we were way fucked up, and looking for trouble. And then, the host of the party decided to mention that his land neighbored that of the Raelians.
We were wasted, and they were Raelians. We decided to go check it out. So we sneak over there, just the 3 of us to see what was going on. They were all on the border of their property, with all kinds of weird lights around them, and chanting, 'Ommmmm'.. And, by the way, there were also all stark naked. Of course, there were no hot chicks, just wrinkled old people.
So we picked a spot in the bushes too observe. Who doesn't want to see a bunch of naked people worshiping this hairy, balding, middle-aged man, named Raoul?They weren't really doing anything, just waving their arms around and Ommmmming - pretty boring, if you ask me.
I turn to TJ and say, "We gotta prank these fuckers!"
"What do you have in mind, dude?" TJ replies to me.
"C'mon back to the house guys, we need to talk to Cherie."
Cherie is actually a pretty cool chick, I used to date her best friend, so she's kinda like a sister to me, and she's always up to start some shit.
We three stagger up to her, "Cherie!" "Dude, there's all these crazy alien worshippers out there!" "Cherie, they all nekkid and shit, you gotta see this!"
Cherie regarded us with a bemused expression from over her Vuitton shades and said, "Haven't you boys had enough to drink?"
Shushing the protestation of my brothers, I regarded her with a solemn stare, and said "Cherie, we need your help. These poor people next door need to see their alien God, and we need to help them!" You see, I knew that Cherie went down to Memphis from time to time to purchase glowsticks to resell at the occasional rave and party that we'd have out here in the middle of nowhere. I quickly explained my plan to Cherie and the rest of the boys, and laughing, Cherie quickly agreed to help us out.
"You're paying me back for all these, you know!" "I know Cherie, we're on a mission from God!"
I decided that Jimbo would be the best representative alien ambassador - he was 6'2", and just a big guy, quite stocky. We stole some duct tape and an entire 18-pack of toilet paper out of the garage, and with a quick stop to the trunk of Cherie's car for the last ingredient, we had all our supplies.
We went to work quickly, taping the glowsticks to Jimbo's clothes so they wouldn't fall off, then wrapping him up tightly with the toilet paper. Before we put the last layer of TP on, we snapped the glowsticks to turn them on, shit, we must have 50 all over him, all in different colors. Jimbo looked like a mutated Xmas tree from the future.
We shuffled back to the bushes where the alien freaks were still engaging in their birthday-suit aerobics. Jimbo began to walk towards them with kind of a Frankenstein shuffle with his arms out in front of him, and a very stiff-legged walk.
With the way the lights were over there, they couldn't really see him, but they saw this lit-up THING shamble its way towards them. The effect on them was electric.
They all immediately ceased moving and stared at Jimbo, who let out a muffled "NURRRRRRRRRR" from underneath all his bindings. They began rejoicing, dancing around, once of them even dropped to his knees and started thanking the heavens...what a bunch of maroons!
One of them slowly approached Jimbo, and spread his arms out beseechingly and said "How many we serve you, O High One?"
Jimbo replies as loud as he could through the wrappings, "KLAATU VERADA NICTO!"
The naked guy was confused at this, and as they all began edging closer, I think they sensed that something was not quite right. "Forgive me, High One, what was your wish again?"
Pulling the wrappings from his face, Jimbo yelled out "MARS....NEEDS.....WOMEN!" At this TJ just started busting up laughing, and by this point, the Raelians were close enough to discern that indeed, the Prophet of the Third Age was not before them to lead them into the Era of Prosperity and Light; but rather, the Drunk of the Party Next Door was there to mess with their heads.
"BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA" screamed Jimbo, as the now pissed off Raelians came charging at us - Jimbo threw a few lightsticks at them, and we turned and ran ass out of there.
I've never been chased off someone's property by so many naked people before. Raoul was pissed.
Long story short, why the fuck would these people have cloned a human, when they have better things too do, such as naked raoul worship?! I mean, come on. Believe what you want to, but I don't think people who worship aliens and Raoul should be considered a liable source. But hey, they made it onto CNN right?!
User Reviews
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-07-12 13:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, but the working title is PH2: Return of the Nips
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-10 18:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:39:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:26:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:19:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
haha jonny makes make me laugh.
You say my opinion doesn't matter and yet you never tire of chastising me for having it.
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if I get heat off of it, I'll argue with you all day long, alter-boy.
*Please jeebus, get me on mh and my pathetic life can have meaning. This web site is my life!!!!!*
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oh noes I have been found out
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:26:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:19:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
haha jonny makes make me laugh.
You say my opinion doesn't matter and yet you never tire of chastising me for having it.
-------
if I get heat off of it, I'll argue with you all day long, alter-boy.
*Please jeebus, get me on mh and my pathetic life can have meaning. This web site is my life!!!!!*
I don't chastise you for having an opinion, I chastise you for thinking that your opinion MATTERS.
*Haha jonny used a big word I taught him. That was a quick trip to the dictionary.*
You haven't read ANY of my stuff, if you had, you woulda have dropped a deuce on my writing - oh that's right, your other alters already did that.
*I woulda have what? Are you saying my alters gave you deuces? Goddamn, boy. You is not smart.*
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:19:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
haha jonny makes make me laugh.
You say my opinion doesn't matter and yet you never tire of chastising me for having it.
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if I get heat off of it, I'll argue with you all day long, alter-boy.
I don't chastise you for having an opinion, I chastise you for thinking that your opinion MATTERS.
You haven't read ANY of my stuff, if you had, you woulda have dropped a deuce on my writing - oh that's right, your other alters already did that.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
haha jonny makes make me laugh.
You say my opinion doesn't matter and yet you never tire of chastising me for having it.
If it doesn't matter then why do you care so much?
Is it because you want to be looooooved?
Do you crave acceptance from the n0000000000000bs?
How funny.
I HAVE read your stuff. I have seen none of it with merit.
But I know why you only post cheerleader pics.
Your mommy and daddy installed CyberSitter on your compy, didn't they, jonny-wonny?
Argue some more, little jonny. It amuses me.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 16:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm less important then JonnyX :(
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-10 16:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 15:00:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
For someone who beats a steady drum propounding his superior knowledge of "the rules of uber" I must say I'm surprised at your assertion my opinion is of no importance.
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That IS one of the rules of Uber - your opinion _is_ of no importance since you haven't posted anything - if you've been here as long as you say you have, you WOULD know that. (The only exception is firefly...do you even know who that is?)
The genius of ubersite is that my opinion is of equal importance to that of anyone and everyone else who uses the site.
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Again, untrue, and if you were here as long as you say you have been, you would KNOW that - TigerLilly, Method, JMG, Razor, Jack McCallum - their words carry far more weight and respect than youts ever could.
I've been reading this site for years, and am unaware of any rules regarding required posting before one's opinion "counts."
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Well chief, sorry to break it to you, but indeed, your opinion doesn't count, and it is because you have not posted anything.
Do you know WHY this is? JonnyX will tell you.
Do you have any idea how many THOUSANDS of assholes like yourself have shown up around here?
I personally have dealt with with hundreds of idiots like yourself, who proclaim smugly how elite they are/how Uber is such a clique/how Uber chases off good writers/how Uber is full of shit, etc etc.
You understand? I've heard all the bullshit from assholes like you. ALL of it.
Now, I'll assume for a moment that you're NOT an alter (although probability indicates highly otherwise...)...if you have been here as long as you say you have, you would KNOW that the only way your get any respect around here, is by entertaining us. Even Shlongy's -2s can be quite entertaining.
Do you want your opinion to 'count'?? - well, there is only ONE way of making that happen. Guess what it is.
(I'll even qualify that...there are 'serious' writers that only show up for UM - their opinion matters, because they get ranked in the competition...have you signed up for Ubermadness? No? hmm, well, sorry then sporto)
As for my writing, all of my stuff gets posted under my name, no alters, all mine. Why don't you read some of my 'good' stuff, before passing further judgement on the quality of my writing - not that anything you have to say on the subject matters, of course.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-10 15:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For someone who beats a steady drum propounding his superior knowledge of "the rules of uber" I must say I'm surprised at your assertion my opinion is of no importance.
The genius of ubersite is that my opinion is of equal importance to that of anyone and everyone else who uses the site.
And my opinion of this "contest" is still the same. Poor idea, poorly executed.
I think the ratings of your story, as compared to the one you wished to "improve," along with the lack of participation thus far bears that out.
You commit the same so called "errors" in your prose for which you vehemently criticize "n00bs" but of course, this hypocrisy escapes you.
I've been reading this site for years, and am unaware of any rules regarding required posting before one's opinion "counts."
Your writing skills are poor, if this latest attempt is any indication.
Which, I presume is the reason for your usual fare.
Perhaps you should stick to the soft core stuff. It goes well with your soft brain.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-10 13:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Everything you ever wanted to know about whysenheimer
User id: 27480
Registered on or around: 2006-06-19 17:31:59
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 32
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
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sorry, until you actually post something, you're still a n00b - any piece of shit like yourself can say, "Oh, I've been here for years, I just never bothered to post anything".
Until you post, your opinion is meaningless - why don't you quit hiding behind your alter and write something decent?
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-07-09 14:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think whysenheimer is spot on with his point about new people. It's no different anywhere you go and your new. Like for instance if I were to go on to a construction site, office, or walmart for employment with all the stupid dead brains. They would get a kick out of making me feel uncomfortable, for a mistake I made, to the point of cock pounding. If someone has been there for a much longer period than me and they make the same mistake well that's ok. It's very hypocritical but that's not to say it's wrong. It may just be the best/easiest way that we communicate, if that's what you want to call it.
It's just ritual hazing that some folks can't quite seem to get out of thier systems after college/police academy/CHILDHOOD.
With the good comes the bad like what happened to the kids in Columbine. You always gotta give the wierd people a chance cause you never know when they will snap and blow your face off.
Now is the retaliation warrented? Yes! Is it right. No, it's not right because you are living out what you are trying to destroy.
So what's the answer? Do people just sit around with thier thumbs in thier asses and watch as people get thier jollies off of making them feel like a lesser human being because they can't roll wire as fast as you or listen to country music or what ever the fuck it is that everybody fucking does that they think defines them as a human . Making you feel unwanted and wierd as if you were the problem?
I'm gonna go sit and ponder this further by a spring in the meadow while I smoke a nice pipe made out of mahogony(sp?)<----shouldn't be necessary you know wtf I'm spelling but it's an easy excuse to fall someone a dipshit so that's fun.
I say let's never be complete
I say let's evolve and let the chips fall where they may.
-Tyler Durden
bye.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-09 13:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-09 09:27:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Whysenheimer, new authors on this site are given high ratings
when they are deserved and low ratings when they post garbage.
When I said I was the arbiter rather than JohnnyX, apparently
the sarcasm in the remark skimmed just slightly above your scalp.
I am extremely capable of expressing myself without the use of profanity,
whether verbally or through the written word. As you said, this is the
internet, so who made you the Master of which words to use?
How long one has been on a site is totally irrelevant. I work with
people who have been at that company for over twenty years, and they
are incompetent, bungling fools. Time in grade is no yardstick for
achievement here, on the job, or in the military.
You ended with a military reference, so I will as well:
"Lighten up, Francis."
Har Har. Bubba never called the guy a fucktard once.
I'm impressed.
Read this and you'll be impressed:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90232
I'm starting to dig this contest.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-07-09 09:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounded untrue
Pretty good story if it is true though.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-09 09:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whysenheimer, new authors on this site are given high ratings
when they are deserved and low ratings when they post garbage.
When I said I was the arbiter rather than JohnnyX, apparently
the sarcasm in the remark skimmed just slightly above your scalp.
I am extremely capable of expressing myself without the use of profanity,
whether verbally or through the written word. As you said, this is the
internet, so who made you the Master of which words to use?
How long one has been on a site is totally irrelevant. I work with
people who have been at that company for over twenty years, and they
are incompetent, bungling fools. Time in grade is no yardstick for
achievement here, on the job, or in the military.
You ended with a military reference, so I will as well:
"Lighten up, Francis."
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-09 06:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I entered the contest:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90194
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-09 00:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-08 23:29:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:05:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
This contest is a dumb idea.
Plus, you didn't even improve on the original.
BIG BLOCKS OF TEXT, as you are so fond of ragging on others for.
It's funny how you are such a lousy writer and yet you also proudly self annoint yourself the arbiter of rules and taste on this site.
Could you possibly be more lame?
_________________________________________
EXCUSE ME?? Whatever gave you the idea that Johnny is the judge of taste and rules here?
That is my appointed task, and you come up shorter than a snake's dick. You and Polona,
among others. Stop snorting n00b dust and sneezing it out into the real world. You are
polluting the skies of the intelligent people here with your drivel. . .
I said "self annoint" when referring to Jonny's work and his propensity for explaining "the rules of uber." I hope that answers your question, Bubba.
If someone appointed you, then perhaps that was a mistake, as you seem to have basic reading and comprehension problems. Unless you, too, are self annointed to that task.
I have noticed you rarely express yourself with intelligence or without profanity, which is amusing but hardly cause to elicit respect or obedience from myself.
I'm unfamiliar with the length of a snake's dick, so I'll trust your judgement in that regard, albeit without concession to the veracity of the comparison.
But thank you for your pleasant reply. I don't believe I'll take the advice of someone who so readily engages others in a negative way simply for expressing an honest opinion.
I stand by my previous comments. I think it was a stupid idea, and the fact I see little participation in same would lend credence to that view, if the denizens of this site are the intelligent persons which you claim.
I generally dislike contests of artistic endeavor, anyway, but usually the ones on this site seem to be greeted by a more enthusiastic and active response. Perhaps next week the pages will reek of re-writing.
And I'm not a "n00b", as you say. I have been reading this site for years, I just recently joined. I'm probably as familiar with it as you are.
As for the treatment new posters receive, I disagree with that, also, as would anyone interested in building the quality of the work.
I think higher standards should apply to those who have been posting longer, rather than new members. But, of course, the internet, being what it is, probably makes that impossible.
Some get their jollies with the "initiation" of newbies, I suppose.
If this was the work of someone with whom you were unfamiliar, I can't believe you would rate it so highly.
As you were, Private Bubba.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-08 23:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:05:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
This contest is a dumb idea.
Plus, you didn't even improve on the original.
BIG BLOCKS OF TEXT, as you are so fond of ragging on others for.
It's funny how you are such a lousy writer and yet you also proudly self annoint yourself the arbiter of rules and taste on this site.
Could you possibly be more lame?
_________________________________________
EXCUSE ME?? Whatever gave you the idea that Johnny is the judge of taste and rules here?
That is my appointed task, and you come up shorter than a snake's dick. You and Polona,
among others. Stop snorting n00b dust and sneezing it out into the real world. You are
polluting the skies of the intelligent people here with your drivel. . .
Submitted by Paloma (user info) at 2006-07-08 22:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry.
I thought the idea was interesting (for the contest), but I cannot rate this positively.
You took a short, boring anecdote and turned it into a longer, still fairly boring anecdote.
I went back to read the original post on which this was based before I read your version, in keeping with the spirit of your task. (and since I missed it originally)
I was hoping you would add more story to this, because I also saw a germ of an idea in the original upon which one could expand. And I do credit you for recognizing the potential there.
However, I think you failed in that quest.
Had the idea not been your own, I might've gone to a -1 or 0, but since you are the one against whom others (if anyone participates, which may be doubtful at this point) must be measured, I think a high standard is in order.
Thus, my -2.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-08 13:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2006-07-08 13:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I did like the picture.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-08 10:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-07-08 10:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-07-08 00:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-07 23:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My adventure with the Ralians (236 hits)
Category: None
Rating: -0.14 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V) (Label this item)
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley <globofgoo3.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-07-04 17:07:04
My Adventure With The Raelians (TBU) (274 hits)
Category: None
Rating: -0.3 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V) (Label this item)
Submitted by JonnyX (View user info) at 2006-07-07 15:27:28
HAR HAR
Nice "improvement" there, jonny-cakes.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-07-07 23:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This contest is a dumb idea.
Plus, you didn't even improve on the original.
BIG BLOCKS OF TEXT, as you are so fond of ragging on others for.
It's funny how you are such a lousy writer and yet you also proudly self annoint yourself the arbiter of rules and taste on this site.
Could you possibly be more lame?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Mine's longer.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90194
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-07 17:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDRENS FOR DINNER
EATS THEM I SAY
EATS THEM
I AM ANGRY.
Submitted by BigD (user info) at 2006-07-07 17:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
uhh you just ragged on me for reposting shit..dumbass
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-07 16:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HERE I AM, JonnyX!
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-07-07 16:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-07 16:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'
HOLD ON TO THE FEELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN'
*lishy version of JonnyX review*
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-07 16:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Um, it's like, uh ... did anyone see the movie `Tron'?
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror VI
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I may just be extremely tired. Maybe even a full-blown retard. But I SWEAR the background people in that picture were dancing.
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-07-07 15:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.rael.org/rael_content/intro.php?elan=English
^^^^^^^
hahahahahahahahahahah